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AIBU?

New au pair staying out all night!

204 replies

LoisEighty · 07/10/2016 22:00

AIBU to be a bit concerned?

Au pair is young and only arrived this week - went out this afternoon and has texted to say she's staying out all night.

OP posts:

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Moonpuddle · 07/10/2016 23:00

I'd be a little concerned too regardless whether it was my business or not. I'm not sure that there would be much I could do though. Perhaps a quick text would be ok. Although it might be a bit OTT... not sure really. 🤔

Hi, thanks for letting me know that you are going to be out tonight. Look after yourself and don't forget that this city might not be as safe as XXX. I forgot to tell you earlier that I don't mind if you call me if you find yourself in a bad situation. Hope you have a nice evening. See you in the morning

tristerflexu · 07/10/2016 23:00

I think you are taking the right approach and whilst she's an adult if it's her first time away from home and she's living In your house you feel sense of responsibility to make sure she's safe. I agree, text her and let her know that she can contact you any time she needs anything and if you could just know when she's going to be back just so you don't worry. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Moonpuddle · 07/10/2016 23:01

Xpost with a few people including the OP saying the same thing😬

tristerflexu · 07/10/2016 23:03

By the way I've had aupairs of 25 / 26 and when they've gone out over night I've asked them what time roughly to expect them. Regardless of their age the last think I want is for something to happen and for me not to raise a concern because I haven't a clue that something might have happened

LoisEighty · 07/10/2016 23:04

If she'd been here a couple of weeks and had got to know people then I would probably feel better, but this is literally the first time she's left the house on her own and with someone she met briefly yesterday.

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 07/10/2016 23:04

Id be concerned too in your shoes OP, its nice that you're concerned but there's not much you can do unfortunately if its her free time, not work time. All this "she's 18 a grown adult" Im always surprised when people think like that - are you supposed to not care or have concern about someone just becaue they've reached the wise and ripe great age of 18?!

ReginaBlitz · 07/10/2016 23:06

But she is responsible enough to look after your children?.. If she is mature enough for that then why worry? The way you are saying things like barely an adult etc makes her sound like a reckless kid if you think that then why trust her to look after yours I don't get it.

JayDot500 · 07/10/2016 23:07

Why are people acting like the OP is silly for showing concern. 18 year old in a foreign country is something to worry about! And hell, if she was supposed to be working the following day, then yes, I'd personally feel it complicates things; however the OP hasn't stated this so I'll not assume this is the case.

But hey, it's Friday night and the girl is out having fun- I hope she enjoys her night out and gets home safely!

LoisEighty · 07/10/2016 23:07

Well she hasn't looked after them yet...

OP posts:

EveOnline2016 · 07/10/2016 23:07

The irony is she has only known you for a week only just a little longer than a new friend

BurningBridges · 07/10/2016 23:08

I think the text idea is great, say "let me know if you need anything, take care " stuff like that, and yes of course her mother would be very pleased to know that you care. WTAF are posters saying "leave her alone" going on about?! You are offering to support her, not bundle her into a sack and lock her in her room!

DancingDinosaur · 07/10/2016 23:08

I can understand why you are worried op. She is 18, but if I was her mum I'd be happy that you're looking out for her. I'd send her that text.

OlennasWimple · 07/10/2016 23:11

I'd send that text too, OP

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2016 23:12

I might text her just to say she can call us any time if she gets stuck.

Yes, I think that would be perfect.

Not smothering her, but letting her know you wouldn't be annoyed if not everything goes to plan and she needs you.

Yes she is a young adult and yes she works for you, but I can still see why you're a bit worried.

LoisEighty · 07/10/2016 23:12

Eve - I don't think it's quite the same! We've been in touch for months, video called, she knows our names, workplaces, address etc and we know lots about her and her family. Her 'friend' is someone she has met once at the park after school.

OP posts:

BoopTheSnoot · 07/10/2016 23:19

Bogey bad things could happen, and do sadly happen, to people of all ages. Sometimes practically on their own doorsteps. If you lived by that logic, with that level of fear, nobody would ever go out again.
OP I'd be worried too, but I'd also try to realise that she is entitled to go out and about. She's not out on her own, it's the same as going out with a group of people you'd just met at uni or work. Maybe text her to reduce the worry as a PP has said but try to relax.

Ditsy4 · 07/10/2016 23:24

I'm with you Lois I would be concerned too. Maybe text her back "thanks for letting me know but do you think it is wise. Would your mother be ok with it. " then " just concerned that you don't know the person yet and you don't know the area if things aren't right. " then if she decides to ignore you then not much you can do.
Your not her keeper but she is under your roof so I would sit her down when she gets back and have a chat. Maybe get her an alarm too.
You sound like a good person.

Wdigin2this · 07/10/2016 23:29

I understand your concern, and I hope we're not going to to be hearing on the news, that an 18 year old au pair has got into trouble!

YuckYuckEwwww · 07/10/2016 23:34

Can't believe that the OP has had some harsh posts because she's concerned about someone else's child

Just because she feels worried doesn't mean she's actually going to do anything unreasonable like drag her home and lock her in!

I'm with you OP, and in fact, I'ld worry about a fully grown adult lodger or roommate whether they were 18 or 48 if they were going off to unfamilair places with strangers all night! It wouldn't technically be any of my business, but that doesn't mean I can't care if I think they're putting themselves at risk!

RodeoBunny · 07/10/2016 23:38

I don't think YBU and also don't see any issue with you texting her to say you hope she looks after herself and ask what time you can expect to see her tomorrow! I was an au pair in the USA when I was 19 and wouldn't have dreamt of just disappearing for the night one week in!

theconstantinoplegardener · 07/10/2016 23:39

I'm with you, OP. She might be 18 but she's in a strange country, may not speak fluent English, is likely to be unfamiliar with cultural norms here and probably wouldn't know what to do in an emergency. It's a completely different situation to going to university in one's own country! She is potentially quite vulnerable and I'd be worried too. Send a text as PPs have suggested and perhaps have a chat about personal safety and what to do in an emergency, in the morning.

honeyroar · 07/10/2016 23:39

No, for goodness sake don't give her the "what would your mother say" lecture! I think the text that you decided on is good - caring but not smothering or bossy.. Although I'd change it to " we are always here if you have any problems or worries". "Get stuck" may mean you will be a free taxi!

I was an au pair abroad for a couple of years and worked for a few different families. I think you're right to be concerned, but other people are right that it's not really your business. Most of the families I worked for would have been concerned if I'd done that the first week, but not after a few weeks/months when they knew me better. Sometimes it's hard living with strangers, and you feel. Like you need some space sometimes, perhaps that was it.

I hope that she comes back safely and you relax with one another. I preferred the families that obviously cared about my well being and happiness. Although I did know other au pairs stuck with very controlling families, and was glad I never landed with one of those!

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Neaders · 07/10/2016 23:43

i agree with you OP... she is barely an adult. you arent obliged to, but it is clear that you have a sense of responsibility towards her - she's another woman's daughter!
its a tough one, as she is an adult - she is probably behaving no differently to a student away from home.
i would maybe just sit with her, talk about the area, what to do if in trouble etc... but at the end of the day she is an adult

LoisEighty · 07/10/2016 23:48

I absolutely don't mind her going out with her friends at the weekend.

However I am concerned that going out in a foreign country, to a city you don't know, with people you just met, and then staying with them, might not be the best decision making.

OP posts:

Ditsy4 · 07/10/2016 23:51

She only met him yesterday though! Presuming it is a him.

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