New au pair staying out all night!

[LoisEighty]

AIBU to be a bit concerned?

Au pair is young and only arrived this week - went out this afternoon and has texted to say she's staying out all night.

[Beeziekn33ze]

Glad that this inexperienced young woman had you there to be concerned about her safety. Hope that she learns from this incident.

[MsJamieFraser]

Yabu, she's a adult and is not working, what she does in her free time is up to her.

Also if you trust her too look after your kids, you then can't try and "mother" her.

If she's responsible to look after your kids, then she's responsible to be out with new friends.

[citychick]

mrsjamie
i think that's a bit harsh.
just because she's 18 doesn't mean she's not vulnerable. especially on a night out on a new place
we all make mistakes.
perhaps it's a good thing this happened now so it can all be sorted

op i hope you all manage to get this sorted out and that you all have a happy au pair experience. i was an au pair decades ago and had a wonderful year
host family were vert caring and more than 20 years later we are all still great friends

[leopardchanges]

Sounds young and naive in terms of being street wise. Doesn't mean she can't be trusted with children.

I was backpacking at 18. On the other side of the world. Alone. I had led a sheltered life up until that point, but was also mature for my age (according to everybody - a bit boring to hear at the time!). I got into some scrapes which is normal. She's lucky to have you as her au paid family as you care and sound supportive.

As long as she understands bus routes and time tables, risks of the city and that you're there for her in emergencies (not because she feels like staying out an hour or so more and then uses you as a taxi service), then I think you can leave her to it.

And if something bad were to happen, which it hopefully and probably won't, it wouldn't be your fault.

[greenfolder]

Oh dear. You sound exactly like me OP, one reason why an au pair wouldn't work for me!

[ilovesooty]

If she's going to have the responsibility of looking after your children she will hopefully in future be sufficiently responsible to have enough money for a taxi if she needs to get home.

[Bitlost]

I'm completely with you, OP. You were right to be concerned. I hope she's more responsible when it comes to looking after your children. Sounds like you're going to have to keep a close eye on her.

[MsJamieFraser]

I don't think it's harsh, it's just my truthful opinion that the OP has asked for.

My children would not be left with a 18 year old who is deemed vulnerable tbh.

[BalloonSlayer]

I think you and your DH sound lovely, Lois.

If my DD (or one of my DSes) went to be an au pair aged 18 in a foreign country I'd be hugely grateful if the parents worried about her, fretted when she announced she'd be staying out all night and went and collected her when it went awry. Good for you

[Capricorn76]

I think it's lovely you're concerned about her wellbeing. Perhaps if she'd been here longer, new these friends better you'd relax but she doesn't. She may be getting carried away by being away from home for the first time.

If I was her mother I'd have been nervous about my 18 year old going to live with strangers in a new city but I'd rest easier knowing you were there to watch out for her because as we all know 18 year olds think they're super mature by can do some really dumb shit sometimes!

Don't let the cool mum's make you think you're being over the top, it's right to be concerned about a very young adult in your home.

[NerrSnerr]

I would also worry about her caring for your children. If she's not worldly wise enough to get herself home after a night out is she going to know what to do in an emergency with your children?

[Tuktuktaker]

I've come to the thread late, but wanted to say that as a mother of a 21 year old, I would be delighted if she was working as an au-pair for someone like you and your husband, and I don't think your concern was at all over the top. People still make silly decisions even when they are supposedly mature adults, and a young girl in a foreign country, presumably without a great grasp of the local language, is more vulnerable than others.

[Liiinoo]

It is a tricky one. As OPs have said she is 18 and if this were freshens week at uni she would be expected to be responsible for herself, but the fact is she isn't at Uni, she is living in your house as part of your family.

I think tomorrow you need to agree a few house rules. Tell her you were concerned about her safety last night. If she decides to stay out overnight in future you need to know where she is and who she is with. That was the least I would have expected from my DDs at that age. Also take this a bit of a red flag - is she going to be similarly impulsive/naive when taking care of your children? She may not be, but I would be keeping an eye out until she has fully earned your trust.

[Sukitakeitoff]

Plenty of teens could be trusted to look after kids during the day, but not necessarily be very streetwise or make good judgements out on their own at night - I really don't think the two are particularly closely related. Well done OP - I think you dealt with it really well and I hope you and the au pair can have a sensible chat about some ground rules / expectations (yes, even though she's an adult).

[Pipthedog]

I think it's fair enough to be concerned. I would feel some responsibility towards her too.

However, it's the old thing of being there for her but not suffocating her. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to drop you the odd text to say she's ok....

[80sWaistcoat]

I spent an awful lot of time when I was 18 out on strange cities with people I'd only just met, it was fantastic!!

[DiegeticMuch]

You sound like a caring employer - just the kind I'd want for one of my DCs if they were abroad.

[Iflyaway]

Plenty of teens could be trusted to look after kids during the day, but not necessarily be very streetwise or make good judgements out on their own at night - I really don't think the two are particularly closely related.

I agree.

Well, OP, this will have been a good learning curve for her. To be a bit more cautious with a random you've just met a few days ago. And to always be sure you can get home under your own steam.

You sound like a wonderful caring family for her to be working for. She's lucky!

[LoisEighty]

MsJamieFraser - what should we have done then, just gone to bed and expected her to sort herself out?

I also think looking after children in the day in a small, safe town is a different issue to being out with strangers in a big city at night.
She won't actually be on her own with the children until the beginning of November so hopefully by then we will have ironed out any issues.

[GrumpyOldBag]

I think you were perfectly correct OP. Hopefully this is just an early niggle and you'll all settle down to a happy and productive working relationship.

I think it's quite good for you that the au pair seems to be independent and looks as if she'll make friends easily.

And agree with those who say she's lucky to be working for you.

[BuggerLumpsAnnoyed]

Plenty of 18 year olds at uno would be doing the same thing. It's incredibly common for 18 year olds to stay out all night with people they've just met.

[Sancia]

If you can't trust her to have a drink with her friends, how on earth can you trust her with your children? You are utterly unreasonable - if she's sensible enough to be sole carer for your children she can handle tasks like 'getting home' perfectly well, and if you think she's a complete dingbat who'll fall into a canal or has never heard of stranger-danger you're unreasonable for hiring her as a childcarer.

[Goingtobeawesome]

I wonder I feel the posters being sheep like saying not your responsibility, etc would appreciate it if their child, albeit an adult one, went abroad and their employer didn't care if she was safe or not.

[PinkSwimGoggles]

yabu but I 'get' your concern.
unless it affects her work it's none of your business.