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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New au pair staying out all night!

204 replies

LoisEighty · 07/10/2016 22:00

AIBU to be a bit concerned?

Au pair is young and only arrived this week - went out this afternoon and has texted to say she's staying out all night.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 07/10/2016 22:31

X-post. I see your worry is more like motherly concern. It's very sweet but you can't really do anything.

Benedikte2 · 07/10/2016 22:31

OP not much you can do but I understand your concern. Text her back to say you are concerned for her welfare and would she let you know the address where she's staying.
Talk to her about safety issues when she gets back and come to some sort of understanding.

January87 · 07/10/2016 22:33

If she's let you know I wouldn't worry, maybe text back that you'd like her to text first thing in the morning that she's ok?

It'd be a different story if she didn't let you know and you stayed up all night worrying.

Original poster
LoisEighty · 07/10/2016 22:33

Thats - well she hasn't been living on her own! She has come straight from her mum to me.

OP posts:
DontTouchTheMoustache · 07/10/2016 22:34

When I was 18 I moved to university in a new city and went out with people I'd only known a few days. It's nice that you are concerned but it's not really much different. Drop her a text in the morning to ask if she had a good night and check she is ok

Sukitakeitoff · 07/10/2016 22:34

An au pair is supposed to live as part of the family, so I think it's reasonable to be concerned. Not sure what you can actually do though...

puccadd88 · 07/10/2016 22:35

Why don't you ask her to text you when she gets back to her friends house to let you know she got home safely - I think that will give you some piece of mind, and let her know that you care without being OTT. You could also let her know she can call you no matter what the hour if anything happens

Sukitakeitoff · 07/10/2016 22:35

(I was an au pair myself at 18 by the way)

CashelGirl · 07/10/2016 22:36

It is nice that you feel protective of her, but she is a young adult learning to spread her wings a bit. Lots of people go off to uni or travelling and form fast intense friendships (or have lots of ill thought out sex) with people they have just met. It is good that she told you she was staying out, but if you come down heavy and judgey with her, she is not going to trust you.

yerbutnobut · 07/10/2016 22:37

If I was the au pairs mum, I would be happy to know that she has someone like yourself keeping an eye out for her. I have an 18 year old DS and you don't switch off concerns just because they can take responsibility for themselves.

brasty · 07/10/2016 22:39

I felt like an adult at 18, and in my first week at uni stayed over at a friends I had just met that week, after a party. She has let you know she isn't coming home tonight. She is fine.

DanGleballs · 07/10/2016 22:41

I have had a young woman living in us for the last month or so, a friend of my DD who is having problems at home. She is 20. I feel totally motherly towards her. I think it is natural.

However, unless you live in a really dodgy area, I would try not to worry. If you trust her with your kids then you really need to trust her to make sensible risk assessments on what she is doing socially. Does she seem particularly young or naive for her age?

mum11970 · 07/10/2016 22:42

It would worry me a bit but there's nothing you can do about it. The fact she's had the sense to let you know she won't be home at least shows she's pretty responsible.

SansasEscape · 07/10/2016 22:43

I'm sure plenty of posters with 18 year old daughters would feel a little concerned if they went abroad for the first time and a few days in were staying out all night in a strange city with people they just met.

That sounds a lot like Freshers week to me! Let her get on with it.

thisismyfirsttime · 07/10/2016 22:43

I'd ask her to txt when she's back at this 'friend's' and make it very clear in your message that if she has any problems she can call/ txt you at any point. She's a young woman amongst strangers in a strange place, if she gets into trouble she needs to know you are there for her.
That said, if she does need your help after getting very drunk and losing her friend etc I'd be there for her but make it clear that she needs to be more careful in future, as I would to my own 18 year old. If she doesn't, let her crack on.

ohtheholidays · 07/10/2016 22:48

I think it's lovely that your concerned for her and I bet her Mum would really appreciate it as well.

Like others have said there's not much you can do unless it affects her work but I would ask for the adress if she's happy to give it just so if she does need you you know where she is.

sopsmum · 07/10/2016 22:51

I'd be worried too op.

BoopTheSnoot · 07/10/2016 22:52

When I was 19, just a year older than your au pair, I went off to uni. Lived with three strangers hours away from home in a city I'd never been to before.
I made friends, went out (yes, sometimes all night) and generally had a great time being young. She has a right to a social life. She's your au pair- you're not her parent or her guardian. If you take on that sense of responsibility for a girl that she, you will make yourself miserable with worry.
As long as it's not affecting your DC or her work, it's really not for you to be telling her she can't go out to let off steam. YABU.

TaterTots · 07/10/2016 22:53

She's not your daughter and you're not her keeper.

katemess12 · 07/10/2016 22:53

She works for you. She isn't your daughter. You need to let her do what she wants when she's not working.

She might "just be" an adult, but she's adult enough to go to a foreign country, get a new job, and make new friends. That means she IS an adult.

WeArePregnant11 · 07/10/2016 22:54

Is it normal to be concerned? Sure, but there's nothing you can do about it.

She's 18 and she told you. That's all you can ask of her. Maybe you could gently suggest that she'll tell you who she's going out with?

When I was 18 I went to London with a course from school, I ended up staying a few days longer (alone), it was fine. I'm from Switzerland, so I was in a foreign country and it was fine.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 07/10/2016 22:54

I think you're absolutely right to feel responsibility for her, and people telling you it's none of your business are just being typically AIBU aggressive/contrary. I agree with letting her know she can contact you if she has any problems tonight. When she's back, have a talk with her about keeping herself safe.

Original poster
LoisEighty · 07/10/2016 22:55

We don't live in a dodgy area but she has gone to a city about 20 miles away.

I might text her just to say she can call us any time if she gets stuck.

She's from a village in a rural area and does seem quite shy, not particularly confident or streetwise.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 07/10/2016 22:58

I'd be interested to hear the reactions of the same posters saying "Its none of your business" if this was their own 18 year old DD and something horrific happened to her. There woiuld be a hell of a lot of questions they would be asking the host family, and who could blame them?

And no there is nothing the OP can do, but I would be worried too if I were her.

Pickled0nions · 07/10/2016 23:00

You are not her mother. You think you are doing good by her for being concerned because she came straight from her mum to you.

Why did you hire an 18 year old au pair if you were going to fret every time she chose to have independence?
You are being too motherly with her I don't think she would appreciate her you asking to text in the morning to make sure she's ok, that's what parents do Hmm

Whilst I understand she is 18, and in a new place, there are loads of 17/18 year olds who go on gap years and travel everywhere.