New au pair staying out all night!

[LoisEighty]

AIBU to be a bit concerned?

Au pair is young and only arrived this week - went out this afternoon and has texted to say she's staying out all night.

[diddl]

Sometimes you like to know if people are staying out though so that you can lock up or not, leave lights on or not.

Also that you might be woken by someone walking about the house in the early hrs.

[WeAllHaveWings]

I have made clear the DH won't be able to collect her again

To be honest, I would tell her like I will tell my own dc, I expect her to make arrangements on how she is getting home/keep taxi money just in case, but if its an emergency then do call. I would expect any my friends to do the same. But I trust them not to take the piss and only call if they really got stuck or didn't feel safe.

[FurryLittleTwerp]

I think you've been very kind to her & more than reasonable.

[Pm27]

We've had lots of au pairs over the years. They all go out all night. As long as it's in their own time, and they let me know they're staying out, I think it's fine. After all, they've come to a British city for a reason. If she's reliable in doing her job, I don't think it's a problem. However, appreciate the anxiety when she's only just arrived & you don't know her character

[heateallthebuns]

I think you handled it exactly right. You should be concerned for her, she's an au pair not a nanny and as such is supposed to be having a learning experience as part of a family. I agree with the other posters that bad decision making on a night out your first time away from home does not mean she is not capable of caring for your children in the day. We've had a few au pairs and it is actually really nice to see them grow in maturity and to have helped with that during their stay.

[NeedABanner]

If I was her I'd have asked if I could stay with one of the girls there and if not I'd have stayed at a hostel. Plenty under £20 even in London.

I think your feelings & level of responsibility are appropriate when you are hosting an Au Pair. They are not nannies & there's much more to it than 'cheap childcare for a room' - which some people really don't get. They're mostly 'in a foreign country' with no other support network. As a host you are 'it'

I'd actually tell her that you didn't mean you'd never pick her up if she was really stuck or in trouble, but that she needs to have plans & a back up in place in future.

Oh & of course you aren't irresponsible or whatever hiring a young au pair to essentially babysit & do a few jobs. It's not like you're leaving her in sole charge while you go overseas for a month 😬

[LunaLoveg00d]

If I were your au pair's mum I would be VERY grateful to you and your DH for being so caring about her.

[sartra]

It's really nothing to do with you if she stays out. I do understand why you would feel a little concerned but there really isn't a lot you can do. Shes an adult. She's had the decency to let you know she's not coming home. Let it go unless her staying out affects looking after your children in any way.

[LoisEighty]

satra - so we shouldn't have gone to get her as it's really nothing to do with us?

[gribak]

mmmm my son is an adult next year, but while he is still living at home I would still like to know where he is if staying overnight and contactable by mobile. She is in a new country - would she have friends here already?

[Justaboy]

As i see it and we did have a lot of au pairs years ago . Although they are in the eyes of the law a grown up adult?.

If they really are grown up? Another matter.

Anyone here that's DD's friends of DD's etc is asked to tell me if they go out when will they be expected back and another contact number of who they are meeting in case their phone goes flat in case they aren't back when they say they will only so that the cavalry can go looking in the right places.

All are told that if they are stuck out and can't get back home to call and i will go and get them.

OK i might grumble a bit but i will do it for their safety and well being.

If anything adverse were to happen to them I'd have it on my conscience.

[Lindsxxx]

If my daughter was an au pair in a foreign country I'd be glad you were her employer OP 🙂
I would feel the same way too with a young girl who was living in my house. After all you would never forgive yourself if something happened to her and you ignored your feelings.
I don't think there's any harm in just maybe giving her a few hints and tips on how to stay safe and making sure she understands that you're there should she ever need you.
Xx

[c3pu]

Nothing to be done except say "thanks for letting me know, stay safe!"

[Faith7777]

For me personally, if you help with looking after my children during the day, then staying out all night whether you're a livein or liveout au pair would not sit well with me.

Just because she's "not a nanny" does not mean she's got the freedom to behave this way.

[Jadifer]

I feel like maybe you should trust the adult you're employing to care for your children and I would feel very condescended if somebody felt the need to treat me as a child at that age.
She's done more than most would and been respectful of you, and as long as she's not turning up in the morning smelling of alcohol its really not your business what she's doing or how long she's known them - the world is scary but she's an adult.

[Mrsprawntail]

As someone who has had au pairs for last four years I would say she should definitely not be staying out all night. If you were anything like me you will have made a commitment to her and yourself to be a surrogate mother and may even have chatted, as I did to all of mine, to the unreal mothers and reassured them. They do not know this country and they cannot read the areas or certain situations yet. I made all of mine text me to give me a ETA of when they were coming home and when we were a few months in this was less enforced as I trusted them to be able to assess situations better. One au pair missed the last train home once and walked back along the train track. -and thought this was ok. They are 18 and In a new place: they need to be looked out for whether they, or other people on here, think so or not. All three of mine turned in to savvy confident Londoners by the end :)

[LoisEighty]

Jadifer - did you miss that we had to go and pick her up?

[StressedOne]

Maybe its a cultural think but I would worry a little about her too. Can't believe how many pepole say its fine because she is 18 and an adult - she might not speak English that great, she might get lost, be too trusting - I have many foreign visitors in my house, mainly family and friends and they ALL have one thing in common- they come with the idea that the UK is the safest, friendliest place in the world because of the way it is portrayed, so they tend to trust people too much, just recently my DH's cousin had her phone stolen because she wasn't careful enough and thought nothing bad ever happens here! At least she let you know, but it is natural to worry, especially as she is young and never been here before. Maybe let her know you are a little worried, and make sure she understands that there aree dangers, how to get home, use transport etc. And maybe make it clear that when she has to work the next day she can't stay out all night!

[Shona52]

I think it's good your concerned for her but she did txt to let you know her plans. You can txt the next morning to make sure she's ok and as long as it doesn't effect her work with you I really think that's where you have to leave it. She needs to spread her wings. Being in a new country and away from home is exciting. I remember my first time away from home going to uni. You do just want to live life a little.

[StressedOne]

Just seen the whole 'separated from friend' drama. Hope she is OK a day everything goes well from now on. You are right to be worried about her, she is young and you are , in a way, responsible for her.

[sartra]

Sorry loiseighty missed that you had to go pick her up.

[cheval]

I would also be concerned. Have a chat with her tomorrow. At least she let you know, but she's under your roof and her family would hope that you would look out out for her.

[Mumfortoddler]

She's eighteen and it sounds like she is having a sleepover with the other aupair. This is perfectly reasonable, but you probably ought to check she's not been roped into going out with a 50 year old man.

I think just have a chat with her about what she got up to and check if she was staying with the aupair, but its very common for 18 year old aupairs to go away and explore the country whilst not on duty. They are well within their rights.
The fact that she is ready to leave her country to work for you and her parents trust her to do so indicates that she has already reached a certain level of maturity, if her parents were worried about her they wouldn't let her go.
You do not have parent responsibility over her, you have an employer's responsibility as such, although might be worth getting her parents details to contact in an emergency.

[needaplanjan]

Mumfortoddler and Shona52 I'm guessing you didn't RTFT?

[Beachhappy]

I understand why you are concerned, it's obviously in you nature to show concern, whilst at 18 she is a young adult and making her way in life, equally I would not expect to have somebody coming home at silly hours during the night, as she is new to your set up I would have a conversation about expectations and how you feel responsible for her welfare.