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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New au pair staying out all night!

204 replies

LoisEighty · 07/10/2016 22:00

AIBU to be a bit concerned?

Au pair is young and only arrived this week - went out this afternoon and has texted to say she's staying out all night.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoisEighty · 07/10/2016 23:52

Great, well have just had a text from her saying she has lost the 'friend' and can't get in touch with him!

OP posts:
thecolonelbumminganugget · 07/10/2016 23:53

I don't think yabu to be concerned. We should be concerned for others welfare, it's natural. If I were in your shoes I'd go with the 'have a nice time, if you need anything at all then please don't be afraid to call us, day or night'

then go to bed and worry myself stupid

Planty18 · 08/10/2016 00:00

The fact that has happened opens up an opportunity for you to chat about it openly and show you care and that you are there if she needs you, I think she's lucky you care about her welfare. It's just kind concern and you were right to keep in touch as it turns out. Hope it all works out ok.

Original poster
LoisEighty · 08/10/2016 00:01

The last bus back from the city was at 11.30pm so I guess DH is going to have to go and find her Angry

OP posts:
Moonpuddle · 08/10/2016 00:04

Oh dear, at least she is ok and this will present the perfect opportunity to have a proper talk to her about safety etc.

Moonpuddle · 08/10/2016 00:07

I wonder what all the posters who said it's none of your business and you should stay out of it would do.... perhaps they would leave her to find her own way home. 🤔

Original poster
LoisEighty · 08/10/2016 00:12

I suppose as an independent adult she can always just walk the streets til the first bus at 7?

OP posts:
WhatamessIgotinto · 08/10/2016 00:13

I honestly never get this 'they're 18, a grown adult so nothing to do with you' crap that people so happily spout on MN. Since when did being concerned for someone else, especially someone who has not been here long and hardly knows anyone become such a terrible thing? She's 18 and yes she's technically an adult but she's still very young. And so she's and adult, is it not OK to worry about another adult? I seriously wonder about how some folks' brains work when they act like such uncaring arseholes just because someone is kind enough to be concerned about someone else.

JanetStWalker · 08/10/2016 00:17

I'd be a little concerned too, OP, at least she was sensible enough to let you know so that bodes well.

So many cooler than cool types here, apparently.

WhatamessIgotinto · 08/10/2016 00:21

So many cooler than cool types here, apparently.

Agreed Janet it's all utter bollocks.

MommaGee · 08/10/2016 00:28

I think it's lovely you're worried - she's your aunt pair, so you're the family she has here. It reflects well she's messaging you to say I'm staying out, I'm stuck help and yeah poor hubby but absolutely the right thing to do. Just cos someone turns 18 doesn't mean they don't need someone to watch out for them

Original poster
LoisEighty · 08/10/2016 00:31

She's very lucky that DH doesn't drink, I'm half a bottle of wine down!

OP posts:
Amalfimamma · 08/10/2016 00:31

safety is paramount and if you feel that they are doing something that you wouldn't be happy with your own son or daughter doing then do have a word with them.

Au pairs should also treat the host family as that, their family, and therefore not use their home as a doss house/hotel/5 star hostel.

blankmind · 08/10/2016 00:43

Hope he finds her okay and soon OP, poor girl, she must be scared in a strange place alone, can she tell you exactly where she is, does her phone have a tracker?

Bogeyface · 08/10/2016 00:47

bad things could happen, and do sadly happen, to people of all ages. Sometimes practically on their own doorsteps. If you lived by that logic, with that level of fear, nobody would ever go out again.

Its far more likely to happen in a new place with people you barely know!

You could meet a guy, agree to go out with him and then he dumps you on your own in a city you dont know, with no way to get home.......oh wait......Hmm

Thank fuck she wasnt an au pair for any of the "Its not your business" lot!

Original poster
LoisEighty · 08/10/2016 00:53

She knows where she is (a bar), and she is with other people (au pairs maybe?) who are friends of her 'friend', but I think they were in a big group and got separated. I've told her to stay where she is and DH will find her.

We'll be having a serious talk tomorrow about making sure she can get herself home after a night out though!

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 08/10/2016 01:06

She sounds fairly irresponsible to me or too bloody honest

Original poster
LoisEighty · 08/10/2016 01:06

I think she is just young and naive.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 08/10/2016 01:27

Don't think it's as simple as saying it's nothing to do with me Chief, she's a young girl in a foreign country, she's not been away from home before and I have a responsibility towards her.

Though you feel this way, are you leaving her in sole charge of your children?

Original poster
LoisEighty · 08/10/2016 01:28

DH has just got back with her safe and sound - drama over!

OP posts:
LondonSouth28 · 08/10/2016 01:36

Not an impressive start by her. It will be interesting to see how she handles this tomorrow with you. And I completely agree regarding you being concerned about her, when you read what the standard au pair/host relationship is, there is a vaguely 'parental' role that the host should assume. Have you had au pairs before?

nicp123 · 08/10/2016 01:39

Agree, too young and naïve!
She should have had a better plan... next time, she should NOT think that your husband is her 'chauffeur'.
Why on Earth would she stay out the entire night? Doesn't she have to work the next day? ...or she thinks sleeping on the job is appropriate? You need to set some boundaries from the beginning.

LetitiaCropleysCookbook · 08/10/2016 01:40

I think you are being a wonderful family to your au pair. I hope she appreciates you!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 08/10/2016 02:24

You sound great OP. And I would have worried too.

Smrendell · 08/10/2016 03:22

she might be a grown adult, but only just.

If you feel that way then why the hell have you hired her as your au pair?!? Surely you don't want someone who is only just an adult to be responsible for you home and kids? Hmm