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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School runs arent that difficult?

281 replies

Mildinsanity · 05/10/2016 09:22

AIBU?
My DP and I work full time with a 1.5hr commute eith way so DCs dad comes and does the childcare/ school runs etc.

End of last term I recieved a letter from the school saying the DCs are repeatedly late in and if it continues they will make a report to the welfare people.

I spoke to DCs dad and he apologised and said it wont happen again and he'll ensure they get there on time.

Which brings us to today, I have a very rare day off work (own buisness so DP and I schedules are usually jam packed to try and make ends meet) and DCs dad says he will still do the school run.
He arrives at 7am as usual and gets the kids up so I can try and get some rest.
8.50 and they have only just left (school starts at 8.50 and its a 10 minute walk).

Now it could be they are having a particulary bad morning but I dont believe thats the case.

I went downstairs to hurry them up at 8.30 because I know they should be ready and leaving and they werent even dressed ready, I hurried them to get dressed as they were apparently ignoring their dad but he didnt seem all that bothered to encorage them as he was outside with a fag.

If this is what it is like everyday no wonder they are late, he just doesnt seem bothered and says they wont listen to him.
I think its his job as a parent (he doesnt work btw) to make them listen and ensure they leave on time.

AIBU to think it doesnt take nearly 2 hours to get 4 DCs (3,6,7,8) ready for school?

OP posts:
TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 05/10/2016 11:26

What if he doesn't pull his finger out though. What should op do then? She's probably already told him to pull his finger out and now has EWO about to get involved

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 05/10/2016 11:27

That was to My kids have taken my sanity

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 05/10/2016 11:28

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity Your name doesn't match your post at 11.23 Grin

KingLooieCatz · 05/10/2016 11:36

Fundamentally he is not taking responsibility. One or more or a combination of:
He lacks the parenting and organizational skills
He couldn't care less whether they get to school on time or not
He thinks it's a chore he shouldn't have to do
He's hoping you'll take over the responsibility and/or pay a child-minder and he won't have to do it anymore.

My money says the last one plays a key role.

DH and I also both work full time. DS has never been late for school (primary 4) despite DH doing many of the morning runs after late shifts that finish after midnight. DH not a morning person at the best of times, DS can be difficult and when tired DH can sometimes struggle to deal with DS' behavior. It can be done. We're not uber-organised the night before either.

Original poster
Mildinsanity · 05/10/2016 11:41

Ive calmed down and Im readin the posts, Saturdays the kids come with me to work they enjoy it and its the best I can do until I can afford to hire a saturday worker.
The 3 year old goes to nursery 2.5 days a week, the other days she comes with me and the half day my dad has her or EXH if he wants her.

Im fully aware currently my DCs dont get a lot of time with me and its not the best life but in the long run they will appreciate that hard work pays off.
I try my best but its not as simple as downgrade, get a different job closer etc.
Ive already had to move to secure a roof over my head, getting another job is just throwing away a buisness that has had all our savings put into and will become profiatable in a short time just so Im closer to home.
Life isnt that simple!

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 05/10/2016 11:49

You don't have to explain mild

Alot of things are intense shirt term until they pay off full term. I think alot of people would be happy to make the sacrifice To start with if the future was more secure as a result of it.

Your ex has a good deal he pays for nothing and gets out if even looming after his youngest when theoretically he bloody well should have her. Not as if he's doing anything else is it...

I think know. It's madness taking kids to work when there's a parent perfectly capable of looking after them. He's laughing.

He has so little to do it takes the piss and you are the one who's unreasonable Hmm

IWillTalkToYouLater · 05/10/2016 11:50

No, it is not that hard. Of course, some days can be hard. Most people manage to get their children to school on time every day. If he finds it hard, he needs to change his approach!

Brankolium · 05/10/2016 11:51

I think those debating whether it's a fair set up for the dad to be responsible for getting the kids to school on his ex's day and saying should be paid as an incentive are missing the point.

Even if they had a point and he was being taking advantage of (I don't think he is from what OP has said), he should talk to the OP about it but make sure the kids get to school on time in the meantime because that's what's best for THEM. Him hanging around outside having a fag while they get later and later is a selfish act, pure and simple.

bluetongue · 05/10/2016 11:51

YANBU. You said he doesn't work right? He has one job to do and can't even get that right. I can see why he's your ex. Nice that he's trying to help but he sounds a bit hopeless to be honest.

MrsGwyn · 05/10/2016 12:05

They can be difficult but they are not impossible.

It does takes a commitment to get there there on time every day.

So you work towards that - crack the whip, put systems in place have count downs to times you should leave and times you absolutely have to be out the door by and count down to.

For some reasons you ex isn't doing that - either being there on time isn't important to him or because he can't manage the task.

As it's affecting the kids - you can try impressing with help of the school that being there on time is important, figure out ways to help him mange the task so the kids don't suffer or remove him from the equation and find another solution.

It's disappointing he's not doing the task well and I image very fucking annoying - but that how he's behaving and those are your options.

AGenie · 05/10/2016 12:09

I'm a sahm myself but I don't think I could get four children of those ages dressed and ready in that amount of time. It takes me all my time to manage one. I think you should take a day off and do it yourself to see what it's like. Maybe a fortnight to give the kids time to get irritated with you.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 05/10/2016 12:11

Mildinsanity
I don't think YABU at all. It sounds a good arrangement in theory - so the kids get proper 'normal life' contact time with their dad and not just DisneyDad time.
Four weeks is long enough for him to have worked out how to make it work, surely?
It doesn't sounds as if he understands how important arriving on time is.
Of course an hour and half is long enough to get the kids ready and out, especially if they've usually already had breakfast before he arrives.
I hope he starts pulling his finger out.

HeyNannyNanny · 05/10/2016 12:11

mild I hope you didn't interpret my post as judgemental - I'm genuinely impressed. I know that I could be any of the adults in this situation - particularly not you or your DP. Sharing care with ex is extraordinarily difficult without all the extra stuff and your DP should be commended, not many people would be comfortable with their partners ex coming into their home every day, regardless of the reason.
But on your original post, YANBU your ex is being lazy. As someone who's job it is to do these kind of things; it can be hard but its doable. The kids also need to learn good time keeping as well as obviously being in school in time; so he's letting them down on two sides.

The fact that he just swings by and parents "when it suits him" is a bit of a pisstake too.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 05/10/2016 12:11

AGenie and several other posters.
The OP has said she was doing it herself until four weeks ago.

HeyNannyNanny · 05/10/2016 12:13

AGenie OP has already said that up until recently she did the school run

HeyNannyNanny · 05/10/2016 12:14

X post, snork Grin

AGenie · 05/10/2016 12:14

However, yes you're right it's his responsibility and he needs to pull his finger out and do the job on time.

Take him with you to the meeting with the welfare officer and make it clear to them that is is the Dad who is being useless. They are professionally trained to put the wind up him and will hopefully do it right.

AGenie · 05/10/2016 12:14

Sorry I hadn't read the rest of the thread, I have now. At least the OP's posts. Hang in there OP. You're doing a good job.

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 05/10/2016 12:20

This post baffles me. So many people suggesting that the children's father should be paid to care for his own children (who he doesn't contribute financially for). And worse, saying that he doesn't HAVE to do it at all? As if he is doing OP a favour. If their own father doesn't NEED to do some parenting who does? The mum only? Why? My husband works full time and still just as responsible for our children's lives and daily routines as I am!
With the way some people are replying one would think it was a grandparent or neighbour we're talking about, not the kids own dad.
OP, you need to set time rules for your children - such as laying their clothes out and making them dress before leaving their rooms - and tell the Ex that if he doesn't put some effort into the morning routine and get his children to school on time then he had best look into getting a job to pay the childminder you will need to get. Either that or he can ditch the fags out of his dole money to pay for his responsibilities.

Well done for working hard, setting your family up for a better future and setting them a good example. And I say that as a SAHM with a working hubby.

madmomma · 05/10/2016 12:21

It's all planning. And planning is shit and boring when all you want to do is collapse in front of the TV. But it's about getting your shit together the night before.

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/10/2016 12:33

I thought only one person suggested he should be paid. Some are trying to see it from his point of view to work out what's going wrong. The vast majority are on the op's side and agree he should be doing it, but some are giving suggestions based on the fact that he isn't, and it will bite the op back, and some are focussing on making him step up and do it.

Anyway, hope you can get through to him and find a solution. I think being proactive and getting in contact with the school, together with your ex to explain the situation might be the way to get it through to him, and at the very least it will look as if you are taking it seriously.

JenLindleyShitMom · 05/10/2016 12:40

I think you should take a day off and do it yourself to see what it's like. Maybe a fortnight to give the kids time to get irritated with you.

OP was doing it for 4 years until 4 months ago.

Original poster
Mildinsanity · 05/10/2016 12:47

HeyNannynanny youre right DP is definetly a star to take it all on including the EX.

I will sit and talk to EXH and try and work out where he is struggling and see what we can do, Im also going to look into childminders and see what I can afford to sort out just incase.

Thank you for all your help.

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 05/10/2016 12:49

I agree with Jen, why is she being flamed for supporting her family and asking their dad to do one thing for the kids? He doesn't want them at weekend (what a dick) and doesn't contribute financially, he literally has one job as a parent and he's fucking it up.

SandyDenny · 05/10/2016 12:59

What are people doing in the mornings, some of you have mentioned SN but for the rest who can't get up and out in the mornings what's going on?

I'm a single parent to 4 children in 3 different schools, none of them are ever late, we don't get up at stupid o'clock and I work, it's not rocket science, your ex sounds useless, YANBU

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