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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School runs arent that difficult?

281 replies

Mildinsanity · 05/10/2016 09:22

AIBU?
My DP and I work full time with a 1.5hr commute eith way so DCs dad comes and does the childcare/ school runs etc.

End of last term I recieved a letter from the school saying the DCs are repeatedly late in and if it continues they will make a report to the welfare people.

I spoke to DCs dad and he apologised and said it wont happen again and he'll ensure they get there on time.

Which brings us to today, I have a very rare day off work (own buisness so DP and I schedules are usually jam packed to try and make ends meet) and DCs dad says he will still do the school run.
He arrives at 7am as usual and gets the kids up so I can try and get some rest.
8.50 and they have only just left (school starts at 8.50 and its a 10 minute walk).

Now it could be they are having a particulary bad morning but I dont believe thats the case.

I went downstairs to hurry them up at 8.30 because I know they should be ready and leaving and they werent even dressed ready, I hurried them to get dressed as they were apparently ignoring their dad but he didnt seem all that bothered to encorage them as he was outside with a fag.

If this is what it is like everyday no wonder they are late, he just doesnt seem bothered and says they wont listen to him.
I think its his job as a parent (he doesnt work btw) to make them listen and ensure they leave on time.

AIBU to think it doesnt take nearly 2 hours to get 4 DCs (3,6,7,8) ready for school?

OP posts:
Johnny5isAlive · 05/10/2016 10:38

OP says he has them while she works, and she works 6 days a week. So presume he sees them almost every day. Who looks after the 3 yr old all day (couldn't remember reading that). If he does, then sounds like he does a fair share.

Johnny5isAlive · 05/10/2016 10:39

Sorry xpost with OP. Blush

nocampinghere · 05/10/2016 10:39

he clearly can't be arsed.

not sure what you can do - your dcs must be stressed being late for school all the time, it is horrible walking into a classroom.
you will be blamed by the school/welfare

difficult. sorry no help apart from get someone else, he isn't up to the job. does he want to do it?

garlicandsapphire · 05/10/2016 10:44

YANBU (though not sure why you couldn't help...?) Its a basic of the job of parent to be able to get your kids to school on time - I always managed as a single parent with two to get them up and out in plenty of time and then went off for my commute to work everyday. Though I think more than 2 must be harder. You just have to be organised and focus on the task. IMO faffy kids have faffy parents.... Sorry everyone. But we are the puppy trainers...

Still at least he gets a fag break!

LIZS · 05/10/2016 10:44

It won't be the amount if time that is an issue, 3 hours or 30 minutes would probably have the same result. Sounds like he lacks urgency and motivation all round and they will play on this. It needs more organisation, issuing reminders, minimising faffing (no tv on to distract them) and getting out of the door early enough. How independent are your dc, could they do each other's hair, help each other dress and so on. Maybe suggest an alarm at 8:30 as a final out of the door prompt.

Manumission · 05/10/2016 10:44

Have we been invaded? Lots of new names with interesting posts.

Says Jen who is using a fairly recent NC herself Grin

DixieNormas · 05/10/2016 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elfonshelf · 05/10/2016 10:49

We have to get a train in order to get to school and if we miss it then there is a cold wait on the platform for nearly 30 minutes till the next one, so we have to be punctual.

Neither I nor DD are particularly organised people and we are definitely not morning people so it's not 'easy' but there are things we have done to make it easier...

a) School bags packed and ready by the door before bed.

b) Uniform laid out for the morning at bedtime - still always a faff about the 'wrong tights' but it helps a bit.

c) Coat and shoes next to the door (why are shoes always the thing that go missing?)

d) Alarms - I have 4 alarms set on my phone in the morning each with a different and progressively more 'bouncy' tune: one to get up, one in case I've fallen asleep again by mistake, one that gives a 10 minute warning and one for 'if you are not out the door in the next 30 seconds then you will miss the train'.

e) All clocks and my phone are set 5 minutes fast - even though I know that they are, the psychological effect of seeing the time tends to make me get a move on and DD doesn't know that they are fast.

I also buy things that can be eaten on the move for breakfast so that saves time.

Total ban on the TV or electronics being used in the morning as that massively slows DD down.

Unfortunately you are going to need your DP to see it as a priority to get the DC there on time, but the above are the things that I have found really help with getting out the door.

ElodieS · 05/10/2016 10:56

Paying him is utterly ludicrous.

It certainly can be hard to get kids out and to school on time, but it is also important, for them and the school that it happens. If the current set-up / XDH's routine isn't working then it needs to be addressed; a serious discussion sounds like a good starting point.

I might have missed it up thread but how long have you had this arrangement? Is it possible it's particularly difficult because he's doing it at your house, where he doesn't know exactly where everything is etc? Maybe you could draw up a bit of a schedule together and walk through it?

MargotLovedTom · 05/10/2016 10:57

Was just coming back to say whatvyou said Giles with a chainsaw.

It is unusual Manumission but surely you can see now that he doesn't deserve people feeling sorry for him and saying things along your lines of "He gets up at 6am to do the shit job in someone else's house". He provides nothing for the children. He chooses not to work so he's probably going back home and having a nice power nap in between watching daytime TV and picking his toenails or whatever the hell he fills his time doing. Meanwhile OP and her partner are working their bollocks off to bring in money to feed, clothe and house four young children.

ayeokthen · 05/10/2016 10:59

How did the suggestion of paying him come about? Paying a dad to take him own kids to school? Fuck me, I must be in the twilight zone!

supermoon100 · 05/10/2016 10:59

Sorry but how does working all the hours god sends, doing 3 hours commuting, missing out on school runs, equate to giving your kids a good life! I would rather be financially worse off and time rich to spend with the kids. They are only young once. And no I am not suggesting quitting work and going on benefits! I am suggesting adjusting your lifestyle to suit family life a bit more, be it less work hours, closer work, downsizing, moving, what ever it takes to have a better quality of life rather than being super stressed and relying on a feckless ex to help you out!

JenLindleyShitMom · 05/10/2016 11:00

Says Jen who is using a fairly recent NC herself

But no "interesting" posts Wink

Manumission · 05/10/2016 11:01

I find your posts interesting Jen Smile Wink

JenLindleyShitMom · 05/10/2016 11:02

Grin well that makes one of you.

Msqueen33 · 05/10/2016 11:05

I have three. Two are autistic (7,6,3 - youngest two have asd). We live ten minutes away from school and always get there on time.

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 05/10/2016 11:07

The problem is that mumsnetters can't come over and force your ex to get the kids to school on time, so are trying to suggest other options like childminders. We could instead say "That's so unfair, your ex has to get them there on time!" But you'll still have kids late for school every day and the EWO turning up at your door, so we won't have helped.

redskytonight · 05/10/2016 11:13

I agree with others that 1.5 hours should be plenty.

However ... the things that are normally suggested to make mornings run smoothly (have breakfast stuff ready, uniform laid out, bags packed etc) are out of the control of the ex. If I had to go into someone else's house and sort all these things out I can see it's much harder than doing it in their own house. The things that used to delay us in the morning we often things like child couldn't find a book, or discovered they didn't have a clean jumper - again things that are much harder to sort if it's not your own house!

So I definitely think OP and her ex need to have a chat about things that should be sorted the night before to make the mornings run smoothers

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/10/2016 11:13

All the suggestions about getting things ready the night before are bogus because he isn't in the house the night before. So he isn't able to organise things.
Personally think he offered to do the school run because he thought it would be easy but unless you are super organised and shout your lungs out trying to get kids ready is akin to trying to fill a sieve with ran water.
To the poster up thread who said it took her son 5 minutes to put on a pair of socks, my ds took 45 minutes to put on a pair of pants and would if left to his own devices get dressed then 5 mins later get changed back in to his pyjamas because he felt tired and thought it was bedtime.

drspouse · 05/10/2016 11:14

The only actual helpful suggestions I have read on here have been:

Make sure the school is fully aware that it is not the OP that is getting them to school.

Suggest if he can't get his act together he needs to stump up for half the cost of a childminder.

Get the older kids more involved - but only to the extent of setting alarms and telling them what the alarms mean.

I would not be stopping pocket money or anything like that - we have been late twice this school year, because I failed to realise (new Reception starter) a) that biking just isn't possible for DS yet as he's too little/slow and b) on a driving day, what the maximum awfulness of the traffic could be. DS hated it as he doesn't get to say goodbye to me properly, and I imagine for older children they do give them a gentle telling off.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 05/10/2016 11:20

No of course you shouldn't pay him - he's their dad!

However, tread carefully. He doesn't have to do this (plenty don't and wouldn't), so I think you have a good deal here where you're not having to pay for childcare.

I find my children take a fair bit of chivvying along in the morning, and I have to come down fairly hard on my younger two (who I drive to school) to make sure we leave on time. But we do always leave on time, even though the last 10 minutes getting out the door can be stressy.

If I wasn't constantly clockwatching and checking on them, hurrying them up, I think we'd be late every day.

DoAndroidsDreamofEwentheSheep · 05/10/2016 11:22

Sorry if this is rude- but who looks after the 3year old during the day? If their dad looked after them would you not save a lot in nursery feeds?

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2016 11:23

I would bet my life that weed plays a large part in this man's life.

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 05/10/2016 11:23

Hang on, I'm confused. How is it that so many people think mornings are difficult? I have three DD1&2 (9&6) and DS (4) and I do bugger all organisation for the morning, the kids generally sort themselves (I.e get themselves dressed, yes, even the 4 year old) and even get their own breakfasts if I am busy with something. They get up a few minutes before 8 am and are out the door walking with me by 8:40am.
We don't have the TV on and they are aware what is expected of them.

In the 8 years we've been going to and from nursery and school only once have we been late as we realised on arrival that it should have been fancy dress day and had to bolt home to change DD1. We still made it back by 9:05am and we lived 6 miles away.

Your DC's dad needs to pull his finger out and get some control over your children. What on earth are they doing for two whole hours???

Strikingclock · 05/10/2016 11:24

I think it's great that the dc's dad and his ex are trying to work together for the dc. And if it's dc's dad's choice to do the school runs then he needs to commit to it properly.

However, it could be one of those situations where - as this is all happening in dc's mother's house - that he hasn't fully taken on proper responsibility (ie he is confused, or is exploiting the confusion, about who is actually in charge). And as others have said, it is very difficult to ensure book bags, clothes etc are all organised the night before when they are in a different house to your own.

Surely a collaborative approach would solve this? Have a meeting with the ex. Discuss strategy. Make it top priorty. Even take a day or two off work to monitor and train (galling though this may be to have to do).

Write or drawer time charts for the children with each task clearly displayed by their name (teeth brushing, getting dressed, loo visit, hair, breakfast etc - you can buy them on-line in fact) and then bribe reward when they have completed a week of leaving on time.

If ex won't comply then he needs to fund a mother's help to carry out the same tasks or take on childcare at another time (poss part of weekend).

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