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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP at a strip club.

223 replies

MumofChuckie · 01/10/2016 16:40

I'm 7 months pregnant and just found out my DP went to a strip club last night on his own, and yes, got a dance.

He went out on a bender with his friends, no problem with that at all. Said he'd be home by 2, crept in at 6. Again, no problem. We all need that once in a while.

Asked him what he got up to, he was cagey. I empty his pockets to put his jeans in a wash with everything else and I see a receipt that completely contradicts what he told me.

He tried to get around it but quickly fessed up. Then he put it down to 'just wanted a couple of beers to end the night' to which I'm like, errrr there's got to be £200 here. Admitted to the dance.

What do I do? I feel awful because he lied numerous times, he knows I'm on the brink of some sort of pre natal depression due to work stress and break down of my relationship with my mother and this pregnancy was far from expected.

But this is a first time offence so I don't know. (I'm sure to believe him but yeah, I can see why that would look naive. I'm also pissed off that I'm selling stuff to buy nice things for baby but he's happy to literally spunk £200 away.

And if I didn't already feel and look like a manatee...

Please help.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/10/2016 18:04

Map, I wasn't going to address you again but I think you have me wrong. If you recognise my name from other similar (multiple) threads then you will know my contempt is saved for the men who use the sex industry, not those who work in it. I don't expect you to believe me and I don't really care if you don't but I just wanted to put it out there. Those who do "know" me can vouch for that, I think.

OurBlanche · 01/10/2016 18:04

Blanche I use to be a stripper, say something now?

I'll repeat the entirety of my last 2 posts! With the same certainty in the source of my information - a friend who owns a local lap dancing club!

Reply with something less combative, perhaps. Smile

But yes, ToastDemon has a point. Your posts do sound angry and defensive. My apologies if I have added to your angst.

Original poster
MumofChuckie · 01/10/2016 18:05

Wow.
I didn't realise I was opening a can of worms. I'm a fairly liberal, easy going woman. Yes there are other naked women, on the telly etc and no I don't particularly mind if he looks at them - not that he really ever has been that kind of guy.

But there is a world of difference between that and going to a strip club and getting someone else's fanny pushed into their face, or god knows what goes on. Strip clubs are strip clubs, they'll always be around. But going alone and paying for a private dance, when your heavily pregnant partner is at home waiting for you to return, is struggling in general anyway AND is selling stuff to get the baby stuff ready... no I won't get over myself herface. I respect your opinion, but maybe you should temper your response when you can see there is someone in pain.

I still don't know what I'm going to do. I've lost my appetite and I can't nap. He's asleep on the sofa feeling sorry for himself.

Maybe in the cold light of day things will seem better. i think I need to be measured and calm in my actions to keep everything safe for baby. And try and eat.

Thank you, most of you xxxx

OP posts:
HerFaceIsaMapOfTheWorld · 01/10/2016 18:05

Because Kaytee I know a lot of girls who were strippers and I have worked In several different clubs.

I don't understand the benefit of making this pregnant woman who is emotional feel worse about this situation by making up delusions when you have never even been to a strip club.
Its absolutely horrible and nasty behaviour typical of the bitter in society.

Huppopapa · 01/10/2016 18:06

It's a terrible, terrible thing to have done but it doesn't follow that you will be better off as a single parent.
Have you asked him why he did it, OP? Have you asked him whether he accepts that you would be justified in leaving?
This has to be the beginning of a conversation. Whether you stay or go, you are entitled to some answers, in particular, whether he can satisfy you that he is committed to working together to bring up your child. It has to be said that the signs aren't good at this very moment, but as a couple of PPs have said, it IS a legitimate choice to stay provided you two deal with it. It is NOT, in my view, a legitimate choice to simply suck it up. If it bothers you - and it does (and should do) - then you cannot afford so early in your child's life not to insist on a comprehensive discussion.
Good luck,
Cake
(And I'm sure you don't look like a manatee)

OurBlanche · 01/10/2016 18:07

Maybe in the cold light of day things will seem better. I hope so. You are going to have to have a long, measured conversation about it... I really don't envyyou that experience.

Good luck with eating, staying calm - and not defenestrating the stupid bastard! Smile

Mummydummy · 01/10/2016 18:07

So sorry OP. Thats rubbish, just awful rubbish. Hurtful, shameful, shabby, disrespectful behaviour - which he knows - thats why he lied. I would be very upset that he came in at 6am - thats a long time to be out on your own and just looks so bad to me - I would have been beside myself. And then of course paying for the lap dance, the money etc. It would make me feel sick.

I'm not going to say what you should do, I'm not in your shoes. Give him the full blast of your hurt and anger, see how you feel and look after yourself and your baby. Get some RL support. I am so so sorry. Big hugs.

Phalenopsisgirl · 01/10/2016 18:07

Yes I have a friend who has a strip club, I think there may be places like some are describing but they are very much underground, the places you see in the high street (stringfellows type ) are so tightly watched that they can't put a foot outside of the boundaries, they'd be closed down before you could say g string. I don't get it, but I'm not a man. I don't think trying to convince the op her dh has hired a hooker is fair. £200 goes absolutely no where in these places, a beer will set you back more than a cocktail in Mayfair ! So that's another reason, I just don't get it.

blinkowl · 01/10/2016 18:08

HerFaceIsaMapOfTheWorld you are not the only person on this post with any knowledge of strip clubs. Several of my close female friends used to strip, in various different clubs over the years. I was unusual in our group for not stripping at the time, and I certainly heard a lot about what went on.

I shared a flat with one particular friend for a year when she was dancing, she used to tell me about her day when she came home in the small hours.

Like a PP says:

You might want to consider that what you are describing is what is supposed to happen, and usually does in the well known chains.

Not quite as accurate when applied to smaller, local clubs, which may not be quite as law abiding!

ToastDemon · 01/10/2016 18:08

MumofChuckie I'm sorry your thread is getting derailed by one or two very aggressive apologists for the sex industry. Hopefully you'll be able to see past them.
I'm not going to say to you LTB or not, as only you know what you are prepared to forgive or not, and the circumstances of your relationship.
But please know that what he did was awful, and a very big deal indeed. It's something I would personally view as cheating. And that's before you get onto the lying and the spending of money.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2016 18:08

I am sorry he did this to you, op

Why is he feeling sorry for himself ?

Mozfan1 · 01/10/2016 18:09

Op have you got family or friends you could go to if you need the head space? I'm so sorry you're going through this and one particular poster is minimising your feelings. Please look after yourself Flowers

eightbluebirds · 01/10/2016 18:09

And why, herface, are you assuming you're the only woman on this thread that's been in a strip club? Your opinion is no more valid than anyone else's despite all these things you claim to be facts thanks to your experience.

Her husband has chosen to hand over a lot of money for a woman to act sexually provocative towards him. I'm not saying she touched him or that it went any further than a dance and I'm still saying it's really fucking low of him and not the kind of lowlife I'd want near my pregnant self.

HerFaceIsaMapOfTheWorld · 01/10/2016 18:10

Okay Op sorry for making you feel bad about the get over it comment was defensive there and did not read your whole post.

Read my other replies though and don't think your partner was laying down with someone else in the stripclub honestly this is not what happens.

Mozfan1 · 01/10/2016 18:10

typical of the bitter in society.

Or the realistic.

Bexta147 · 01/10/2016 18:11

strippers DO NOT do ANYTHING sexual with the man. This is not america.
Having friends who have worked in strip clubs I can tell you, you are massively wrong! You would be suprised what some of them would do for a bit of extra money! Even if that wasn't the case, what planet do you live on to think that having someone's tits and vulva shoved in your face isn't sexual?!

if it was me he would be out the door. It is massively disrespectful. It would be different if he had gone with his friends for a laugh and had not had a private dance. But the fact he went on his own just makes him a sleezy perv!

KayTee87 · 01/10/2016 18:12

Well I have been in a strip club so you're making assumptions there.
You can't possibly know exactly what goes on in every strip club across the country and to continue to say you do is just being childish.
It's clear from various reports that more than just stripping happens and depending what club and what part of the country you're in £200 might get you more than a dance. Taking that aside even a private dance some people would consider cheating.
The offences have stacked up against him, it's not one thing; it's coming home 4 hours late, going by himself to a strip club, seeking out another woman for his sexual thrills, spending £200 that they don't have doing this and then lying about it.

If my husband went to a strip club as part of a stag do I wouldn't be happy as I think they exploit (sometimes vulnerable) woman but I wouldn't leave him. If he did all of the above then I really would consider it and there's not a lot I wouldn't forgive.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 01/10/2016 18:12

OP I'm sorry that you are so upset. Please don't let him brush it under the carpet. You know your own feelings and boundaries - if he can fully realise that this is one of them, really apologises and really, REALLY accept that he can never do this again, or lie, waste money on selfish, grubby, voyeristic strip clubs - then you may get over this. But the ball is in his court. Do not let him make you feel bad about your reaction.

Realhousewivesofshit · 01/10/2016 18:13

I don't know why he's sorry for himself! A grovelling apology, assurance it won't happen again and looking after you is needed.

Really hope you can get past this op. He's been a bloody idiot but hopefully he will man up and move on a better man and b a good dad.

HerFaceIsaMapOfTheWorld · 01/10/2016 18:14

Eight because as I said I was a stripper I am talking from experience not a "friend of a friend"

The op is obviously distressed why upset her more with saying £200 buys you more than dances when it actually doesn't? and say the women had their "vulva" in his face when that does not even happen.
I don't understand the point in this.

Its like people are trying to make her split up her family when its only her who will deal with this, we are all strangers we are not the ones who will be crying over this.

I am sharing my experience as working as a stripper I know the things certain people have said on here are not true.

HerFaceIsaMapOfTheWorld · 01/10/2016 18:16

Bexta again with the "friends"

KayTee87 · 01/10/2016 18:17

herface shall we just all tell op 'oh boys will be boys, never mind then just have a spa day to make up for it.' ?

Mozfan1 · 01/10/2016 18:17

Its like people are trying to make her split up her family

No... She has asked us what to do, we have told her what we would do if it was us. No fucking crime committed. And being a stripper doesn't make you the fountain of knowledge. You don't know the real lives of any other posters on mumsnet.

JellyBelli · 01/10/2016 18:17

HerFaceIsaMapOfTheWorld
You are kidding yourself. and derailing the thread. You told OP to get over it, thats disgusting. She is understandably upset and 'get over it' is shit advice.

Yiou actually sound like an immature kid who did a few nights in one club and now owns the industry.

HerFaceIsaMapOfTheWorld · 01/10/2016 18:17

Please tell me what you all get out of telling this woman that you have "friends" who are strippers and have done sexual things with men...
I will wait......

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