AIBU to expect my 13yo not to steal from me?

[Icantthinkofanothername]

(Have name changed obv)
He takes EVERYTHING. As in, there's some cash on the side in the kitchen - change from fish and chips yesterday - and he took a pound coin (brought it to me after his sister told him I had noticed it was gone). DH & I have a drawer in the kitchen with 'our' snacks in - nuts, dried fruit, chocolates - and a couple of weeks ago he took the chocolate bar that was in there - 150g dairy milk that was for me for a week, and he scoffed the whole thing. He took an unopened pack of (10) caramel rocky bars last weekend, ate the lot - wrappers all under his pillow. I got two tubs of roses (am I showing my age if I say I preferred the tins) because they were on a good offer at tesco, put them away in the cupboard for christmas time (it takes 2 tubs to fill up the 3 kids advent calendars). Spotted only one was there the next day, asked DH if he'd put it somewhere else, but no. Got 13yo son into kitchen, asked if he'd taken it, and he admitted it. Brought leftovers downstairs, and there was literally ten chocolates left. He'd eaten the rest (in less than a day).
We've always been really clear that we need them to tell the truth, as otherwise there is a consequence for what they did (eg taking chocs) and another for lying about it.
I know 13yo's have massive hormonal surges and impulse control issues and struggling to work themselves out, but this is just getting ridiculous. His weight and teeth are fine, he walks to and from school five days a week which is just over 2.5 miles each day, eats maybe 3 or 4 slices of toast for breakfast, then a bacon roll when he gets to school, school hot dinner, 2 apples when he gets home, and tea might be pasta, or soup with bread, or veg stew or something like that, along with another piece of fruit. I get that he's growing like a weed but can always have fruit or toast for a snack if he's hungry, so I can't see it's just hunger, but have pretty much run out of patience! It's not even like it's only food he takes - long story but we had a lot of cash in the house a few weeks ago and know that he took at least £100.
Are all teens like this and I need to get my head round it? I hate having to think twice about what I should do with a handful of change because I worry that if I leave it somewhere he might see it then he'll take it! Do your teens do this? What should I do???

We regularly offer to drop him and friends at cinema/town etc, or cash for him to get the bus with them if he'd rather, for them to come over to ours or him to theirs but he's never taken us up on it. Not sure if they're just a bit young for that to be appealing- he's year 9.

What strikes me as unusual there is that I would have expected that to be happening from mid way through Y7. Do you think that it's just a case of needing to rethink now he's a teenager?

Yes I have. And you and your DH are going and getting books for him

And lego at 13 is definitely not the usual.

It just seems to me you're setting him up to be quite different, and socially isolated. Why can't he have an extra few pounds a week pocket money and buy his own books?

I think the fact your eldest has SN is skewing your thinking to what is normal for a 13 year old.

No, I agree OP, you need to see somebody, be it the school counselling service or GP to help you with this. I think it goes beyond being a mega hungry/greedy teen. This is emotional eating, I guarantee. I suffered (suffer) from an eating disorder and have met so many people who behave in a very similar way to your son. There is something underlying this eating.

I have a 14 DD who went through a stage of it. She stole £20 out of my purse and I am no where near wealthy enough to loose £20 and not notice so knew she had done it, I moved her sofa and found a whole black bag full of packets and wrappers stolen from the cupboard, even protein bars that her dad has before the gym and over 40 empty cans of Coke. She was punished and lost her birthday treat as a result. I think it was an attention seeking exercise and I attempted to destroy her with kindness instead. She does seem to have turned a corner and is doing more activities etc but has been warned that I won't tolerate it and I won't be paying for her activities if it happens again.

Noeuf - what I meant was that we've been offering that for a few years now. He was bullied in primary/juniors/whatever you call the years before secondary school, so didn't have friends to hang around with before year seven (at which point we moved areas), but even since then he doesn't really choose to spend time out and about with friends. For example for his 13th birthday he wanted to do a laser quest thing with them, so he did - him and four friends he choose. Then when each of them did stuff for their birthdays he wasn't invited. I expect it's his insecurity and lack of confidence that gets in his way, but I struggle to find ways to support him to bridge that gap.

Clearly the way you are dealing with food in your household is not working.
Teenage boys have monster appetites!
Could you try a month of bigger portions, more protein, more breakfast (maybe something like fruit and yogurt then crumpets or toast, ham and cheese omelette then banana)
Biscuits, chocolate bars, fruit and nut bags, hot chocolate, breadsticks and dips, snack pots, etc in a cupboard that anyone can have whenever (you may need to keep an eye on this for the first few days so it is not overly excessive)
See if that helps with the food issues, maybe you could get rid of the adults drawers and just have food for all of you.

Then I really think your DS needs a way to earn money, a chore list with payments for each one sounds like a really good idea for you.

I think once the food, hunger and being able to earn money issues are addressed then fingers crossed that should sort it.

Sweetheart. In the nicest possible way.

Babying him won't help him to make friends.

You need to stop. And encourage him to buy his own books, let him eat what he wants with a 15 min warning before tea.

You are treating him like he's 9. And he's not. He's 13. Mine was going into the next town on the bus with friends age 10. And into the city from 11/12 an hour on the train

He doesn't have the money to decide to do that on a whim. He has to come asking for it. Because he doesn't get enough pocket money to do that - a coffee is a couple of quid, bus fares, a hoodie is £20. Smellies (lynx the friend of teenage boys) - 2/3 each.

And I know you could buy them. I know you are. But he should be starting to do that for himself.

And yes. He's been bullied and he's likely trying to buy friends.

But leaving him with so little money (£2 a week) isn't going to help him socialise either. And keeping him off tablet. No tv in room. When can he Facebook/x-box/skype/snapchat?

Not that social media is the be all and end all but it's a big big part of how kids socialise these days.

Dd has £20pw pocket money at 13 but I do admit I also pick up books, stationery that I think she would like as well during the week.That's not because she doesn't have the resources to buy and choose her own stuff it's more because I love to treat her.
I think he does need more freedom with money and more money weekly and probably more autonomy with regards to what he is allowed to choose to snack on at home too. Dd regularly makes herself a toastie or a sausage sandwich if she's feeling hungry, fruit doesn't always hit the spot and I know when my sons were teens they were bottomless pits when it came to food.

Jesus middle-class-mumsnet is at its finest here from all those posters who can't conceive that some families (not necessarily OP but similar examples come up all the time) CAN'T AFFORD to

a) give each child ££££ pocket money a week and
b) make multiple food shops a week so that cupboards are always full and even if one DC eats a whole pack of biscuits to themselves it's not a problem because there are another 5 packs under the stairs.

Giving 3 DC £20 each per week for a month = A WEEK'S WAGE on NMW ffs.

Also = everyone above who thinks it's weird to ration food - do you honestly think that if OP put a big bar of dairy milk on the side her DS would really take 6 squares and then think "Oh that's my fifth gone now I'll leave the rest for everyone else?" Or would the boy who can happily eat a whole pack of roses think "Oh a family sized bar of dairy milk hmm that's a nice snack" eat it all and then have Dsiblings moaning about why they didn't get any, OP resentful because she was fancying some and so on.

My parents used to have the 'you can eat anything you want in the house rule,' - great, except they'd buy a multipack of chocolate on Saturday, I'd fancy one on Tuesday, go to the drawer and there'd be nothing left because my dad and one of my sister's had been having two each, per day. Cue constant moaning that 'so and so at this,' and 'I didn't get any of that'. It got to the extent that shopping would come in = we'd all scoff down whatever we could get our hands on even if we didn't particularly fancy it at the time so we got 'our share.'

Do you all seriously have DC that never take more than their fair share and have such amazing self restraint that they aren't constantly tempted by all the sweets, biscuits and chocolate on offer and only choose one unhealthy snack per day - oh and only after they've eaten their 5 plus portions of fruit and veg, of course?

*not because

My eldest DD is working now. I still bought her foundation yesterday. Because it was an offer on the one I know she uses, and as insan1ty says, I wanted to treat her.

I dont mean you shouldn't treat them. But they should be able to choose some of their own food and books etc at 13.

My DD doesn't eat 5 portions of fruit and veg. DS might but only if they are included in his pizza and beer ration.

I know people who are skint - I was one - but the op doesn't mention that as an issue.

Getting a hard time from siblings soon sorted out the greedy one in this house. There was an actual physical fight on at least one occasion. I left them to it to sort. They all have to learn how to get along with others. It's a good life lesson

I bought xyz, abc are for the lunches, if you eat them I'll skin you alive and eat you. Worked for me.

I am not sure if this would help.

We give DD14 and DS16 £50 a month each. This is for everything - phone, sweets, clothes, shoes etc. They can put anything they want in the basket when shopping (biscuits, chocolate) and I buy toiletries, again, bunged in the trolley at the supermarket. We don't have a school uniform and we pay for school lunches separately. This means DD spends a fair bit on cheap clothing and DS buys almost nothing but splurges occasionally buys something more expensive. But they are in control.

We give them stuff, including clothes, for birthdays and Christmas. But, they get no more money at all. This way, they are learning to manage money, and needs.

It seems to me that a grown up approach would be to put him in charge of his food, snacks and money in return for him leaving yours alone.

Also, I hate "treats" as I prefer to think of it as food. I think your attitude to food in general might have rubbed off on him. He doesn't have any, you hoard it in separate stashes and so it becomes desirable and a way of rebelling is to steal.

Sorry for the armchair psychology.

A compromise could be that the really good snacks (dairy milk, tasty crisps), are rationed as they are now, but more communal food is provided. Basic cheap biscuits, stuff for sandwiches, cheese, beans etc, so he need never go hungry andhas some autonomy over what he eats. He should be able to rustle up a bacon sarnie, or put some soup on, or be lazy and grab a few basic biscuits without having to ask.

We have the wrapper biscuit tin so called. Which the kids know is for packed lunches / posh visitors

Then we have the ordinary tin as it's called. Which has digestives, bourbons, nice biscuits, shortbread fingers. The ones from the biscuit barrel pack in Tesco.

Could you do that?

Sorry - posted too soon.

They can eat what they like from the ordinary tin, the wrapper tin they know Is for good. And that's how I've always done it, because I was skint and I couldn't afford limitless wrapped biscuits.

Actually. At their age they can eat what they like they're grown ups 😂 But that's how I did it growing up anyway. Don't know if you'll find that helpful or not.

I'd let him do a lot more for himself. He can get his own breakfast - you,don't need to be making it for him, for example.

Op I'm trying to think of things to change, that's all.

My ds eats cereal in the evening when he's starving and those revolting pasta packets - we got loads of mug in a cup packets as well so after school there's fruit, toast, cereal, etc they can have.

For a pp, actually thinking about it we don't have sweets and chocolate as snacks available. They have sweetie day, a throwback to child hood, and although they do buy crap sometimes they also have good habits and don't eat entire packets of biscuits in a go. So the dc do have self restraint.

Op can you swap hand outs for an allowance? Let him learn to waste it and run out?

Nope, I don't make brekky for my two 14 and 17 yo - I'm out to work 6.30am. But there are lashings of snack foods, cereal bars, breakfast stuff, bread, soup, cup noodles and mugshots etc that they can crank up in the morning or if I'm later in from work.

anotheronebitthedust good post.

We have revolting pasta packets, even more revolting dolmio/uncle bens and worst of all pot noodles. (I'm going to be drummed off mumsnet!). We also have microwave pizzas. And pasta sauce in packets long life as well as jars of curry sauce etc. All of which they can eat whenever.

Oh and beans and bread and eggs.

Op my honest first thought thougt on the amount of food your ds has in a day is its not enough. When I was that age would have eat that and still be hungry my dm had to keep upping food portions. I note you lean toward veggie but also thought were the protein. Doesn't excuse stealing but a hunger may be a factor.

Putting the stealing money issue to one side for a moment, I find it really sad that he's seemingly stealing food because he's hungry.

watching with interest - very similar situation re snaffling rubbish food and money (coins only so far though)

Mine is fussy and i struggle to get him to eat good quantities of 'proper food' (would have absolutely no issue at all with him making beans on toast, sandwiches, omelettes, whatever)

his preference is crisps and chocolate (eaten stealthily)