AIBU to expect my 13yo not to steal from me?

[Icantthinkofanothername]

(Have name changed obv)
He takes EVERYTHING. As in, there's some cash on the side in the kitchen - change from fish and chips yesterday - and he took a pound coin (brought it to me after his sister told him I had noticed it was gone). DH & I have a drawer in the kitchen with 'our' snacks in - nuts, dried fruit, chocolates - and a couple of weeks ago he took the chocolate bar that was in there - 150g dairy milk that was for me for a week, and he scoffed the whole thing. He took an unopened pack of (10) caramel rocky bars last weekend, ate the lot - wrappers all under his pillow. I got two tubs of roses (am I showing my age if I say I preferred the tins) because they were on a good offer at tesco, put them away in the cupboard for christmas time (it takes 2 tubs to fill up the 3 kids advent calendars). Spotted only one was there the next day, asked DH if he'd put it somewhere else, but no. Got 13yo son into kitchen, asked if he'd taken it, and he admitted it. Brought leftovers downstairs, and there was literally ten chocolates left. He'd eaten the rest (in less than a day).
We've always been really clear that we need them to tell the truth, as otherwise there is a consequence for what they did (eg taking chocs) and another for lying about it.
I know 13yo's have massive hormonal surges and impulse control issues and struggling to work themselves out, but this is just getting ridiculous. His weight and teeth are fine, he walks to and from school five days a week which is just over 2.5 miles each day, eats maybe 3 or 4 slices of toast for breakfast, then a bacon roll when he gets to school, school hot dinner, 2 apples when he gets home, and tea might be pasta, or soup with bread, or veg stew or something like that, along with another piece of fruit. I get that he's growing like a weed but can always have fruit or toast for a snack if he's hungry, so I can't see it's just hunger, but have pretty much run out of patience! It's not even like it's only food he takes - long story but we had a lot of cash in the house a few weeks ago and know that he took at least £100.
Are all teens like this and I need to get my head round it? I hate having to think twice about what I should do with a handful of change because I worry that if I leave it somewhere he might see it then he'll take it! Do your teens do this? What should I do???

Have a word with one of your local Policeman,they can and lots will help.

My DH and a few of his work mates(all Policeman)have had words with teenagers before when they've been asked to by the parents,because the poor parents have just been at the end of they're tether,it's usually for things like stealing within the home as well.

It's not what I'd call acceptable behaviour,I never stole from my parents and we have 5DC,3 of them are teenagers and none of them have stolen anything.
I know alot of all of our DCs friends and I can't say that I've heard of them stealing either.

Punishments like working off the £100 taken, window washing, gardening cleaning bathroom would be fair.

It doesnt sound like he has much to lose, does he have friends, responsibilities, anything that gives him pride?

I think you should rethink the food thing going on in your house tbh.

It's weird to have a sweet box each and for you and dh to have a treats drawer - can't you just have a range of food in like crumpets, crisps and the odd bar of chocolate to normalise eating? Having stuff off limits with accusations of stealing is a bit odd. And xmas stuff - did you say this is for xmas or just assume he knew?

Also, £2 a week at 14 - not shocked he's stealing tbh. Doesn't make it right but he has no financial freedom on that amount.

Maybe combine some positive changes with sanctions?

Stole £100? What on earth did he need that for? Did he spend it?

I agree with thehugemanatee, WHY is this happening? You mention you also have a child with SN - would you say that impacts the time you are able to spend with the DS in question?? Could it be something to do with that or some other emotional issue because there is a reason for it.

When I was 17 I was doing a job that was both working and training on the job at the same time in a town some distance away. I worked there six days a week and had one day a week off where I would come on via several buses. I didn't do well there (they compared me unfavourably with the previous girl - the sun shone out of her bottom) and constantly criticised me so that I ended up making more mistakes because I second-guessed everything I was doing, every action I took. It was utterly miserable and very soul destroying. I mention it because emotionally it was really really a sad time and challenging time and it led to me, for the first time ever, being someone who would eat to salve their emotions. AND I would nick Twix's and KitKats from the bag of someone who was one of the people I worked for who was always criticising me and knocking me down. I've never done it before and never done it since but I can guarantee, it was set off by an emotional event and I think that's where you need to look to try and remedy this behaviour. The behaviour is a symptom, not the actual issue.

Ah sorry read the thread, but the first thing that springs to mind if a child stole that amount would be bullying or drugs.

I've wondered about an eating disorder manatee, but he's not particularly gaining/loosing weight, other than you'd expect when getting taller. What I mean is he's not skinny but not tubby either, and as we go swimming every couple of weeks I see him, IYKWIM.
Obv different families have different rules, but for mine they can't just help themselves to food other than fruit, so taking biscuits (by the pack) is stealing to us. Other 2 don't take money or food, though he has always had the biggest appetite to be fair.
Breakfast at home is toast or cereal, then when he gets to school he has a bacon roll or 2, provided by school (deprived area etc). Academically he's fine, high achiever in fact, and behaves well but not very sociable - was bullied in primary school and isn't really very confident or chatty. Not the sporty type - never has been.

I think stealing is a fairly common phase, at least from family experience. I would also look at your sons diet, it sounds like there may be a lack in terms of protein and fat.

Does he say why he steals the food? The money, and in particular the £100 sounds more worrying.

The money is a far more worrying issue than the food in my opinion. I'm surprised you've focused so much on the food & then added, almost as a side note, him stealing £100... There's definitely underlining issues here I think that need to be addressed & quickly.

4 slices of toast and a bacon roll??? Thats a huge amount to eat in the morning even for a growing teen boy and not particularly nutritious.

Are you sure he's not buying weed and coming home with the munchies?

Obv different families have different rules, but for mine they can't just help themselves to food other than fruit, so taking biscuits (by the pack) is stealing to us.

So you allow him to take as much non-filling 'good' food as he likes, but taking filling food is not only 'bad', it's stealing. That doesn't sound like a very healthy attitude to food to me.

neouf I too have a cupboard for my children which has things like snack a jacks, bread, cereal bars, waffles, spreads, choccy filled pancakes or pain au chocolat, hot chocolate powder, squash, crisps, cereal and always cup noodles available. They just plough their way through that whilst they're waiting for me to come back from work.

However, my children get NO pocket money as such. They are given money each week which is for their food whilst at school and then of course if they need clothes or want to go somewhere with a friend, I'll give them the money if I can afford it. So I personally don't think that even if this child gets no money, it's not a reason to steal.

I think it's strange to have individual boxes of food / 'treats' in a family home - sounds like a boarding school or a hostel. Teenagers can be bottomless pits in terms of food. Given he is not overweight I think you need to consider he may need more calories / a different diet. You also mention one of your other children has special needs that demand attention - perhaps taking things is a cry for help / attention. I wouldn't buy Christmas sweets now as I know they would be eaten before Christmas - surely it's just too tempting.

I would be very cross about taking money and would punish that as long as you are convinced he is not paying bullies etc. Think you need to go for a long walk or car ride with him on his own and get to the bottom of this before it becomes more serious.

Could you give him a monthly allowance and then he can buy what he likes food wise, I have to admit my middle one is 15 and gets £80 a month and the vast majority goes on food- he is nearly 6 foot. He eats constantly.....

Taking money is very much not OK, but I always wonder about homes where parents have food that is theirs and consider it stealing if the children eat it.

Has this escalated from resentment over the fact he is only allowed to snack on fruit and apples while you have a drawer full of big dairy milk bars, nuts and dried fruit which in off limits?

I know I used to "steal" cooking channel as a kid because only my dad was allowed chocolate as a snack, he had a bar in the fridge off limits to everyone else and my mother was a very vocal martyr to her diets, and the kids were directed only to the fruit bowl. We weren't left to go hungry but it created such a longing for the off limit chocolate!

2 distinct issues here. One he is hungry, some teenagers seem to have literally hollow legs. Any of my boys at your sons age would have been very hungry on the diet you outline. The thick chunky soup needs to be a starter for his evening meal,then followed with a protein and veg ( and probably more carbs) main course. He may still want a bedtime snack after that. It really is not stealing to take food in your own house. I do find the personal snack boxes rather odd to be honest, it seems very unfamily friendly. If you must buy stuff like chocolate and biscuits why not make it once a week treat shared by everyone?
The stealing money is much more worrying, either he is buying food, he is being bullied or he is buying drugs. You need to find out which it is before you can sort the problem.

• toast and apples not fruit and apples obviously

Pollyanna - I didn't say it was a reason to steal. I said I wasn't shocked.

I don't think keeping money and food totally away from kids is a great idea way as they don't get to budget or have freedom. Going to mum to ask for 20£ for jeans or something isn't the same as hanging out in town with your mates and having a bit of cash you may or may not spend.

Food thing is weird to me, but I guess it's normal for others.

It does like he returns things to you when asked - which means he knows it's wrong to be taking it. Do you think there is any chance of bullying/issues at school, as it sounds almost like he's binge eating sugar. I only say that because mine did similar.......... we got a referral to the local CAMHS that helped enormously so perhaps your GP would be a good start too (that could also rule out any hormonal/growth issues). Being a teenager is hard work, their bodies are changing at a rate of knots and sometimes they have issues with self control - it's all a big learning curve. I would be tempted to have a gentle chat about the missing money however, and give him chance to return what he has of it if he took it. I learned the hard way with my eldest that going in hard always ended badly - gentle steps and being reasonable always got better results.

His behaviour is telling you he is unhappy....punishing clearly isn't working...

It's not about good and bad food as far as I'm concerned - if I give you a more complete list it might be clearer. They can have fruit; veg/salad like carrots, avocado, mushrooms; toast (wholemeal); yoghurt - without asking. They do need to ask if they want cakes, chocolate, biscuits or what I would call proper meal food - such as beans on toast.
When my son took an unopened packet of ten chocolate biscuit bars from the kitchen cupboard and ate them all, I do call that stealing.

Pretty sure it's not weed - we'd be able to smell it I think, and little sister would definitely tell tales if she saw him smoking!

The £100 was the day before a school trip to a theme park. It went on photos of him and friends at rides, keyrings, a jigsaw puzzle of a photo - he kept some and gave others to the otherservice of the group - think he may have been trying to kind of buy their friendship. When we worked out he may have taken it we asked him, and he had £20 left in his wallet which we took back.

Consensus seems to be that he may be hungry, so I'll start doing poached eggs etc for breakfast from next week, hopefully that'll help. As far as the money is concerned, I don't really know what to do.

Unfortunately noeuf I am and have had to be very careful with my money but they get so I prefer not to hand it out as it's more likely to get spend likely on stuff they don't need, but, if they need £ it's not a bother at all - they're entirely happy with it, I ask them all the time do they need anything so they aren't deprived and since I never ask them for the change from anything they always have cash in their pocket that they can get a bag of chips with their mates in the local town if they want.

I was commenting that you correlated being shocked to him having the amount of pocket money he gets - I'm saying I don't equate the former as a reason for the latter. I actually think it has no bearing in this case.

If it was my lad and he was that hungry, I'd give him a whopping bacon and fried egg sandwich for breakfast and see how he did with that because he just seems hungry to me although the stealing money, the slightly furtive nature of his taking of foods including ones he's been told not to touch, is the bit that needs addressing.

My children know if something is to be kept for a meal later in the week or if it's choccies for Xmas - they wouldn't touch it if they'd been told not to however I have an open door/open fridge policy - the food in the house is everyone's albeit sometimes I'll buy a specific treat for one child and another one for the other so they each have something 'special' to nibble on.

I agree with Chocoholicmonster - it does read strangely that you spend the whole post worrying about the odd quid and some cheap chocolates (although I understand it's the reasoning behind it your concerned about rather than the cost) then at the very end of the post chuck in an off-hand "Oh he also stole £100".

The first examples are probably more normal for kids/teens. I think most have snuck an extra choc biscuit here or there and not necessarily something to worry about. Stealing £100 is on a completely different scale!

Disagree with the odd poster saying his meals don't sound enough - sounds like loads to me and quite varied. Plus if he was starving a box of roses wouldn't exactly help hunger pains - he'd be more likely to scoff a whole loaf of bread or a pizza or something.

I was going to suggest that you perhaps try removing his independence and explain it's because you can't trust him? i.e. walking him to school instead of going with his friends, checking his books (as he likes reading) and removing which ones might be inappropriate rather than letting him make his own mind up, saying you're going to check his tablet every day to see what sites he's been on (if you can disable incognito browsing) or blocking certain sites, taking his door off his room? I know they sound extreme but, tbh stealing £100 from your parents is pretty awful imho!

However as you've explained that his 'reasoning' is that you're punishing him, so he's stealing to punish you back, I don't know how well that will go down as it might just encourage him to escalate. I suppose on the most basic level you need to explain that you are the adult so you are entitled to punish him, and that you have clear reasons for doing so rather than being arbitrarily unkind, but whether you do that by going full-on authoritative or try talking to him to reason it out depends on his personality and your parenting styles.

I agree that he's unhappy about something. Of all the things you've posted, the thing that leaped out at me was that although he spent some of the £100 on himself, he also spent some of it on his friends.

Does he feel like he has less than his friends and wanted to be equal? To buy friendship?

With the food, yes he's growing like grass, but does he get enough of your (positive) attention, or is he trying to compensate for a lack of attention with chocolate and biscuits?

He seems to place great importance on things that are 'his' - even the TV time being taken away is seen as you taking something of 'his' for which he then takes something of yours and justifies it because of you took something of his and...ad inf.

Before you call in the police or start taking more things away from him, talk to him and give him chance to explain. You don't have to be soft on him, you can make it clear that it's not acceptable but that if something's bothering him then right now it's more important that he tells you so that between you you can deal with whatever it is.