in thinking that DPs mother is trying to punish me for being pregnant

[phugop]

Currently 24wks pregnant and DP’s mother is far from pleased about the news. DP’s family are extremely traditional and are very much against having children before marriage. We have only been together for 2 years and whilst we do both want to get married in the future, we are prioritising buying a house together at the moment instead. I fell pregnant unexpectedly but we are both genuinely happy and feel very much ready for a baby.

Ever since we announced the news to DP’s family I have had to put up with snide remarks from his mother regarding how disappointed she is that we are not married and how embarrassing it is for her that I am ruining the family tradition by ‘letting myself get pregnant so early on’, how we do not own a home so have no stability for the baby etc. These comments have always been made when we are alone and never in the earshot of other family members or DP Whilst I have felt like punching her in the face, I’ve tried my best to appear bright and unfazed by them in the hope that she’ll see that her nasty words will not get a reaction from me.

Over the last few weeks though I’m sure she is getting even worse. On the day of our 20wk scan she decides to call DP an hour before we are supposed to be at our appointment desperately requesting that DP go over to her house within the next hour to help her load some very heavy bags into her car so that she could get to the tip before it closed. Of course DP didn’t go, but she specifically knew the time and date of our scan and I honestly feel like she hoped DP might go and I’d be left on my own for the scan. The final straw is today, she has just told me that she has organised a large family party and the venue has all been booked on the very day I am due to give birth!!!! She called to tell me that she wouldn’t be inviting me as she’s sure I’ll be too uncomfortable but that she hopes I will ‘allow’ DP to still come along as it’s important to her that he is there!

I am absolutely fuming. DP just does not get it either as she has told him that she’s ecstatic about the pregnancy and happy for us both. He’s had the nerve to ask me whether I am letting my hormones get to me as he’s sure that she wouldn’t ever say anything to hurt me and perhaps I took it wrong! AIBU here or does it sound like she’s a vindictive nasty cow who is out to get me?

Best of luck for tonight OP! I was just wondering though what your DP's response to her arranging a party (and not inviting you) on your due date was? Surely he can't blame your hormones for that?? I'd be discussing that with him first tbh and telling him I expect him to support me on it, or we would have a big problem. If he can't see how out of order that is, then you probably do have a big problem

Sounds like my mother in law. Who we no longer have contact with.

Long story short. She tried this kind of behaviour with both me and sil. My dh saw through it and didn’t stand for it. We are happily together.

My bil (his brother) couldn't see it bless him, he loved his mum too much. He let her play her games and it did him and his dw untold damage.

It took time and some pretty nasty episodes before my dh saw the full magnitude. Sounds like yours has the measure of his mum. Try to rise above it and keep making sure he's aware of what she says and does when hes out of ear shot.

Just for fun here's some of the things my mil did...while we were planning our wedding told me she was thinking of wearing the outfit she had worn to my dh wedding to his first now ex wife. Left sil a cobweb brush on the doorstep as a gift. What fun!

I'd call her out on it next time she says stuff when the others aren't in the room. Don't be bright and unfazed, let rip at her. Let her know you have the measure of her, and that if she wants a relationship with her grand child, she had better start being a whole lot more pleasant.

This is actually a blessing in disguise OP. The nastier she is the more reason you'll have for letting her nowhere near your little baby when he/ she is born. Just keep biding your time and letting her be a vindictive witch and use her own bad behaviour against her when the time is right.

What had DP said about the party?

I'd ignore her as she probably won't change but yiur DP reaction and support will be what matters.

Also I'd get DP to say to his mum that obviously you may not give birth for 2 weeks after the party and if he comes along it will be because you are well and if he comes then you are coming too - as you are partners.

Good luck for tonight OP. People like this need to be called on their crap.
Hold your head up high.

🎶🎶plays rocky theme tune to get you psyched🎶🎶

I have a habit of being a bit naive but I just think a confrontation in front of other family members as a first resort could possibly make things work rather than make them better.
She's still your partner's mum at the end of the day, and if you could try and have a chat with her honestly about how she's making you feel, maybe that's worth a try first? But you need your partner on side aswell, or at least open to the fact that his mother is hurting you while you're going through what should be as a happy stress-free time.
I'm 18 weeks pregnant and my MIL isn't as bad as this but she can say extremely hurtful things on occasion, she just has no filter, and sometimes doesn't genuinely think about what she's saying.
We had a fallout, partly due to her being her and partly due to catching me on a pretty hormonal day. She carried it on, and we weren't getting on. It didn't affect me and DP but it did have an impact on DP. We both love his mum and I love him and I didn't want this rift to impact on him and what should be an enjoyable time for all of us including MIL.
So after things being pretty cold, I found a day where she seemed abit more open and we had a chat. We got it sorted, said what needed to be said, there were tears and apologies and we moved on. We're all very happy now luckily.
It turned out MIL was having a particularly bad time of it herself and we were just both not in the best place at the time.
Like I said, I'm a bit naive, but I think sometimes, people really don't see that they're being so awful.
No way should she get away with what she's saying to you, and by all means, it may come to a more public confrontation. It just may be that a calmer approach might work first?
It may not work, but at least you'd have tried.

Next time you know you're going to be alone with her, try putting your phone on to record so you have proof to your dp it's not 'your hormones getting to you' Then hopefully he could have a word with her about backing off. You don't need the stress.

First of all that woman sounds like a right vindictive manipulative cow! And you néed to say something to her like" I'm sorry you feel that way but if it upsets u u don't have to having anything to do with the baby" you need to nip this in the bud asap and I'm talking from personal experience here she will only get worse! My mother in law was horrid and took any opportunity to put me down and like u my husband used to just tell me to ignore it well I'm telling u now ur partner will never stand up to his mother and it will cause problems between u both:/ you need to start sticking up for yourself now and show her ur not afraid to stand up to her. It got so bad that my mil actually blamed me for why my son had meningitis and septicaemia at 9 months old and like u when I told my husband he said I probably took it the wrong way but let's be honest how many ways are u supposed to take that? And my mil snide comments went on for years and to be honest it gave me a bit of depression:( it finally stopped when I actually told her to fuck off and stop being a horrible bitch but trust me she played the emotional black mail to a t and I said to my hubby it's me or her and lucky enough he chose me and stated ticking up for me but it Took alot of years of hurt and anger on my part to get there, and in regards to this party I'd just show up or better yet tell your partner if ur not aloud to go then neither is he as u need him home just incase u go in to labour, play her at her own game but u definately née to stand up to her!:)xx

To be frank, that btch sounds crazy. I totally feel for you OP in-laws can be a right pain! (As can actual family mind you) I can't advise to let rip on her though as she is very much in your life forever at this point (on account of the baby etc) all I could say is maybe when she says things to you either interrupt her to talk about something else/pretend you didn't hear/have an excuse to walk away from her perhaps she'll get the message? I know you can't do anything about this party etc (I'd be fking livid) but just make it clear to DP that although she is his mother, a persons loyalty must naturally evolve when we find our significant other and that should definetly be the case when you have kids! I'd also be mad as hell that he blamed the hormones anyway keep strong you are definetly not alone on the crazy in-law's wagon xx

Hope you get the chance to drop her in it OP, she sounds awful

Could you record her saying those things on your phone? And then show your DP?

Good luck for tonight

YeOldma - no one is suggesting using the children as a wespon, if the ops MIL can't be trusted to treat her DIL with respect then she can't be trusted to be around children who are infinitely more vulnerable to emotional cruelty.

Op, you wouldn't spend time with someone who treats you this way under normal circumstances would you? So don't spend time with her, speak to other family members if you are ever in joint company, don't answer the door to her. When she wants to visit the baby put up with five minutes here or there with your dh present and no more. Don't send birthday cards, don't make her tea, don't extent any invites. If she wants to build a relationship with her gc she can call and ask to spend time with you both at which point you can lay very clear boundaries down. Do not engage with toxic people. Don't fawn over some illusionary lost relationship your child may have with MIL because if she hurts you this badly imagine how she will treat your child. I had a grandma like this and trust me your child doesn't need the confusion of viewing it's mother treated this way. If she wants to behave reasonable she can earn your trust over time.

However, the most important thing is that your dh sticks by you allways. It is very hard for people to let go of the hope their parents will turn out to be who they should have been, and often find it hard to face the truth about dysfunctional parents, but if he protects his illusion of her over protecting you it will taint your relationship and your memories of your child's birth and first year. What did he say about the party? You need to point out to him that he is having his own family now and you and dc must be his priority.

How did it go??

No update?

Do you think she killed her MIL?!

Record her. Voice record.

So when she's at it again you can have a recording and let your DP listen to it. So he can see what you're having to put up with every time you see her

How did it go?

Still no update???