in thinking that DPs mother is trying to punish me for being pregnant

[phugop]

Currently 24wks pregnant and DP’s mother is far from pleased about the news. DP’s family are extremely traditional and are very much against having children before marriage. We have only been together for 2 years and whilst we do both want to get married in the future, we are prioritising buying a house together at the moment instead. I fell pregnant unexpectedly but we are both genuinely happy and feel very much ready for a baby.

Ever since we announced the news to DP’s family I have had to put up with snide remarks from his mother regarding how disappointed she is that we are not married and how embarrassing it is for her that I am ruining the family tradition by ‘letting myself get pregnant so early on’, how we do not own a home so have no stability for the baby etc. These comments have always been made when we are alone and never in the earshot of other family members or DP Whilst I have felt like punching her in the face, I’ve tried my best to appear bright and unfazed by them in the hope that she’ll see that her nasty words will not get a reaction from me.

Over the last few weeks though I’m sure she is getting even worse. On the day of our 20wk scan she decides to call DP an hour before we are supposed to be at our appointment desperately requesting that DP go over to her house within the next hour to help her load some very heavy bags into her car so that she could get to the tip before it closed. Of course DP didn’t go, but she specifically knew the time and date of our scan and I honestly feel like she hoped DP might go and I’d be left on my own for the scan. The final straw is today, she has just told me that she has organised a large family party and the venue has all been booked on the very day I am due to give birth!!!! She called to tell me that she wouldn’t be inviting me as she’s sure I’ll be too uncomfortable but that she hopes I will ‘allow’ DP to still come along as it’s important to her that he is there!

I am absolutely fuming. DP just does not get it either as she has told him that she’s ecstatic about the pregnancy and happy for us both. He’s had the nerve to ask me whether I am letting my hormones get to me as he’s sure that she wouldn’t ever say anything to hurt me and perhaps I took it wrong! AIBU here or does it sound like she’s a vindictive nasty cow who is out to get me?

She needs to get her arse out of the 17th century and enter the here and now. It's not her day anymore. Things have moved on.
The gone and got yourself pregnant bit is amusing me. I mean where was she when her dh was conceived. Does she not know it takes 2 to tango.
She's embarrassed. I guarantee no one on the planet will give a shiny shit. People have enough of their own worries, and I hate to say this but. You're not that important, and neither is she.
What does your dh think.

Good luck OP with everything!

Agree don't record her - you will look unhinged if you do.

Just get her to repeat things and also when your DH arrives say 'oh mil was just saying bla bla bla'

The thing is, if you've had the baby and go to the party, everyone will want to make a fuss of you and the baby. Which will get right on her toys!

She sounds utterly toxic, I would have nothing to do with her, your partner needs to have your back. You need to tell your partner what his mother is telling you.

I'd tell my DP he HAD to have a word with his mum and tell her to stop being a bitch or we would have a problem. It's all too convenient for him to claim his mum doesn't mean any harm bla bla. He should be putting you first. My DP is crap at standing up to his family but he knows when I put my foot down I mean it.

Try to record her, then play it back to dp.

Just wanted to let you know that I haven't disappeared and I've been reading all of these comments, they've been so helpful and I've doing a lot of thinking. I think as a lot of you have suggested, I am doing to drop his mother in it by repeating what she has said in front of DP and whoever else is there. It's never something I thought to do but I reckon she's be very much caught off guard by it since I've simply accepted all of her nasty comments up until now and haven't said a word. We are going over there for a family dinner on Friday night so it'll be the perfect opportunity

wait until she makes a comment about the party and then 'innocently' ask her why she thought it was best on your due date - and the dis-invite.

She has a very clever way of making very nasty comments almost in a light hearted, friendly way if that makes sense. She very much means to be nasty, but the way she does it is very sly. An example was the other day when she was telling me about her sisters wedding and it went along the lines of "ah when my sister got married it was a beautiful wedding in the summer, what a shame that you are letting the entire family down by deciding to have a child without considering our family tradition. Ah well! Can I get you a drink darling l?"

The more I think about it the more I can't wait to nip it in the bud

You have my sympathy OP.

In your position I would arrange to see MIL alone and calmly "confront" her.

1. I know you're disappointed your son and I are having a baby but it is our choice and we are delighted. We hope you can learn to be delighted too. We want you to be active in your grand child's life if that is what you want. Is that what you want?

1. I need to talk to you about the family party. Why did you book it for my due date? To me it feels as though you are deliberately excluding me and have picked the date that means to most to me and your son to do this in an attempt to make him "choose". Can you see this is not a good date to have my partner elsewhere? If you don't want him to miss the party then move it. If you want a relationship with your grandchild you have to have a relationship with me too and that means including me at things. Your choice.

It's not rude to speak the truth.

Just read your update. Your plan is much better. Drop her in it with witnesses and see if she can talk her way out of that one.

"MIL why does the party have to be on my due date? If you really can't move it and I haven't given birth by then am I still not invited to it?"

Really hope confronting her helps but, if it doesn't, remember this is actually her problem not yours.

It was when a friend of mine, who was friends with MILs niece when very young, said that MIL had always been weird and bossy as a teenager that I realised she will always be the person that she is. Me, as a stranger to her, didn't change the problems relating to people that she always had.

Does your MIL genuinely have friends?
Mine didn't and even family members showed repulsion to her when she tried to express her very strong, one-sided opinions.

Just cut her out op, thats what I have done gradually.

I starts with visits to her house- just say to do 'oh you go on your own, your mother is horrible to me and I'm sick of it' and leave it at that.

Also, and id take this as a given, but don't let her see the baby. I know it seems harsh but honestly its liberating... Shes awful to you, doesn't respect you and you feel bad when you are around her, why would you want her anywhere near your child. Yes I know baby is half your dp's but his mother is behaving in a vile way and he either tells her the ground rules are no contact with you or child.

Hang on in there, I was that DIL! My MIL tried all ways to get rid of me, luckily I couldn't have given a crap about her, it's her son I love. It took 12 years and periods of not talking (between him and her) for her to realise I'm not going anywhere, now at least we have a truce. I would never visit by myself or give her a ring, but it's ok.
When we booked our wedding date she cried.....in actual sadness. Awful at the time but it makes me laugh now!

So you do the same thing. Start lovely like she did (talking about her sisters wedding) and with a big smile say "Your mum was just telling me about her sisters lovely summer wedding [indulgent smile st MIL] and how I'm letting the whole family down by being pregnant and not married"
Don't go straight in with the nasty do that she did and bat it in from left field so she doesn't see it coming and the delivery is how you received it. Then just stop and see what she or your OH says. If she tries to laugh it off or tell you you misunderstood then just say "did i? That's what you said!"

Way to go OP, keep us up to date! Remember it can't seem fake or you'll look like a shit stirrer. Total innocence, tinkly laugh all the way!

My ex-MIL says that people are lying and cries when her words are repeated. It's worth a go, but if she's manipulative she may even twist getting caught out.

Hmm, she sounds as tho, if you repeat what she said to others, she may well:
a) laugh it off as she 'didn't mean anything by it' or she was joking, and say u were being sensitive
b) deny saying it completely and act hurt that you'd suggest such a thing.

Just take care dealing with her - if everyone feels uncomfortable because you unexpectedly announce what she's said, you could end up seeming like the one who's spoiling a nice lunch (people may not be able to think what to say or do when put on the spot, especially if she denies saying it..).
Sorry to sound negative - I do think it's right to stand up to her somehow, but I worry that it might not turn out as you hoped, and might get turned by her, into 'that time you caused a scene'

Don't worry if she appears to win the show down... it might be enough to make a think twice before she speaks next time. Just show her you have a backbone... in a few years you'll be telling your DC to stand up to bullies - look at it this way, at least you'll have had experience in it yourself!

Ugh she sounds awful. Do these MILs not think that perhaps it's eat not to piss their DILs off as, when the baby is born and they change their tune and want to be Granny of the Year, they've already frozen the mother out?

She is the only one losing in this OP. Although give your DP a kick up the arse! And please say he's not going to the party on your due date? If you're still pregnant turn up anyway, if you've had the baby go and sit and breastfeed openly. That'll learn her

*best not eat!