in thinking that DPs mother is trying to punish me for being pregnant

[phugop]

Currently 24wks pregnant and DP’s mother is far from pleased about the news. DP’s family are extremely traditional and are very much against having children before marriage. We have only been together for 2 years and whilst we do both want to get married in the future, we are prioritising buying a house together at the moment instead. I fell pregnant unexpectedly but we are both genuinely happy and feel very much ready for a baby.

Ever since we announced the news to DP’s family I have had to put up with snide remarks from his mother regarding how disappointed she is that we are not married and how embarrassing it is for her that I am ruining the family tradition by ‘letting myself get pregnant so early on’, how we do not own a home so have no stability for the baby etc. These comments have always been made when we are alone and never in the earshot of other family members or DP Whilst I have felt like punching her in the face, I’ve tried my best to appear bright and unfazed by them in the hope that she’ll see that her nasty words will not get a reaction from me.

Over the last few weeks though I’m sure she is getting even worse. On the day of our 20wk scan she decides to call DP an hour before we are supposed to be at our appointment desperately requesting that DP go over to her house within the next hour to help her load some very heavy bags into her car so that she could get to the tip before it closed. Of course DP didn’t go, but she specifically knew the time and date of our scan and I honestly feel like she hoped DP might go and I’d be left on my own for the scan. The final straw is today, she has just told me that she has organised a large family party and the venue has all been booked on the very day I am due to give birth!!!! She called to tell me that she wouldn’t be inviting me as she’s sure I’ll be too uncomfortable but that she hopes I will ‘allow’ DP to still come along as it’s important to her that he is there!

I am absolutely fuming. DP just does not get it either as she has told him that she’s ecstatic about the pregnancy and happy for us both. He’s had the nerve to ask me whether I am letting my hormones get to me as he’s sure that she wouldn’t ever say anything to hurt me and perhaps I took it wrong! AIBU here or does it sound like she’s a vindictive nasty cow who is out to get me?

Play her at her own game. Say to her "yes of course I'll allow DP to attend the party, he wouldn't miss it for the world"

Then on the day, be sure to have many, many "twinges" ensuring that DP can't go.

Mean and petty, but she bloody well deserves it.

There's also the situation that until a DGC arrives, particularly if there's not been a wedding before hand, it's the first time many parents of adults have to see that they have moved from being the parents of the family (the ones in charge of what happens, how and when) to more extended family roles (who don't get to make the choices). It's particularly hard when the mother's of the father, who make the mistake of treating their DIL as a child who can be 'told off' without realising it's the parents of the family (the DS and DIL) who make the decisions now, including how the DGC will interact with extended family.

OP - you need to ask your DP why he thinks it's ok for you to not be included in a family party. If you are able to go, then surely you should be at least invited if he is. Your MIL is going to have a steep learning curve if she wants to be part of DGCs life and hasn't made a decent relationship with you before hand, I wouldn't be letting her in without DP there.

Well he might not believe she is doing that but he will have to believe it when she is not inviting you to said family party.
Or if she has a strop if he doesn't go himself 'because you are too unconfortable so surely he can't leave you on your own'.

And then limit any time you are spending with her on your own. let your DH answer the phone when she rings etc...

Sandy that's true but that would presumably limit visiting time with new baby while the OP is on Mat leave, really only to the weekends if baby sleeps in the evening.

Very true.

I just can't get over the sneakiness of it all. Then years down the line when MIL comes to her senses, she will expect her DIL to forget these horrible things she said and did.

If your DP doesn't believe you when you tell him what his mother said, you have a big problem.

This might sound extreme but could you secretly record her on your phone?

You shouldn't have to, of course - he should believe you.

I suggest you get a copy of "Toxic In-laws". She is only going to ramp this up as the pregnancy continues and after the baby is born. You're going to need all the expert advice you can get.

ecumenaicalmatter I'm a bit wary of recordings, too, just because it seems sly. It might be worth making some to hold over her, but I'm not sure that I'd rush to play them to DP.

Unless it was - "I realised that I'd accidentally switched my phone onto record when your evilbitchspawnmother mum was here. I was really upset by what she said, so I listened to it again in case I'd been over-sensitive, but I don't think I am. What do you think? I know I might be mistaken but I'm finding her comments hard to take at the moment." and then let him listen to it.

And actually, when the party 'invite' comes round, ask your DP if you are invited because you aren't sure. Tell your DH you are really looking forward to meet all these relatives of his.
Then make him ask his mum.
Two things will happen. She will either say 'Yes of course she is invited!' Or she will say 'oh well maybe not. I'm sure she wouldn't want to come anyway' and your DH will be able to tell her that actually yes you would love to come!

Dinosaur

"it's the first time many parents of adults have to see that they have moved from being the parents of the family (the ones in charge of what happens, how and when) to more extended family roles (who don't get to make the choices"

I think this is exactly right. It's a change in the family structure and some people make the transition more quickly/better than others.

It's the whole child:adult dynamic rather than adult:adult

The trick is to make sure that you are responding like an adult, it makes it very difficult for other people to continue to treat you as a child.

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853

The title refers to "protecting your marriage", but it's just as relevant for unmarried partners.

Ironic of course given that she is objecting to the fact that you two aren't married, but tbh, if it wasn't that, she would find something else to object to and be a bitch about.

Next time she mentions it, maybe you could ask her why she only discusses it with you and never her son.

's the first time many parents of adults have to see that they have moved from being the parents of the family (the ones in charge of what happens, how and when) to more extended family roles (who don't get to make the choices

Wise words. My parents are very much of the opinion that they give advice only if asked (my mum says something like 'well I had no idea back then, you e got so much more access to information than we had.') they don't interfere, and they are incredibly helpful if asked. I appreciated them before I had kids, but boy do I appreciate them now. Alas they live in the uk :(
PILs on the other hand are a different kettle of fish. Every time we've seen them in the past year there has been some sort of odd situation where they attempt to control something or make unreasonable demands. We say no or don't allow them to control and they have a massive strop. They clearly haven't adapted to the power not being in their hands. We are very reasonable (boring middle class utterly non controversial amiable) people so this is a bit of a shock for us.

Next time she mentions the party on your due date tell her "thank god, at least you won't be turning up at the hospital, that really would be awful". Then tell her to wait at least 2 weeks before she comes to visit the baby.

Get married abroad cheaply without her - she'll love that! Lol

Your mil sounds like she came front he same mound mine did- I got myself pregnant- how clever of me!

I won't derail the thread with all the nasty passive aggressive jealous things she has done, but dp of 14 years has been dh of 5years... 3 Dec later and two years of no contact- best thing I ever did

I was with my ex for almost two decades and his mum was a constant thorn in my side. She recently made DD cry by saying mean things about me. She was very instrumental in my ex's issues, our awful breakup and subsequent problems.

If I could give advice to myself at the start of the relationship I would say to use the quiet back away slowly approach as much as possible. I tried ignoring, I tried to make her happy, I put up with awful situations and then I was honest that things weren't right. At that point she had a key and would enter the house when she liked and controlled all important events. She became a complete nightmare when I stopped her control of our house and encouraged my then DH to complain and to think I wasn't good enough for him. She now doesn't like his new GF.

If you can avoid then avoid. If she wants to be more involved she should be more positive and supportive.

Sounds at least like DP knows the score and you're not fighting him as well - this happens so often..... I think she sounds absolutely horrific. Perhaps it's time to suggest that you don't invite her to the rest of your baby's life. What a nasty, judgemental piece of work.

No contact. Two years in now and my mental health is 100% better.

You cannot change how this woman thinks - ever. Protect yourself and don't be around her.

Think very carefully about marrying a man that will not stand up for you to his mother.

How old is his mother? It's no excuse but I know a few older women when I was growing up who did not believe there was any such a thing as an unplanned pregnancy. She seems in the same vein!

If no one has said it yet, recording people is a problem because it speaks of premeditation.
I also think it would really set people off on the back foot, and they'd start saying they could never be alone with you again as you record them....
Let alone the reason for doing so....
So my thought is to front up to her rather than record her.

I can tell you the fact that your DP isn't with you or on your side that you will not stand the test of time unless he bucks his ideas up and stands up to his mother. I had excately the same off my ex's mother. She even deliberately booked a holiday over when I was having DS then cried when I had him when he was born as she wasn't there. She actually became possessive of him even though prior to his arrival wanted me to get rid of him. She even encouraged him to cheat and leave me then tried to beg me to take him back, good riddance to the pair of them.

OP...? What's the vibe? Are you going to take control!

OP, can I ask if your DPs mum was nice and pleasant to your before you became pregnant? Or was she always snidy.

Mine is the same...first grandchild she was thrilled with.next 3 cool as fuck..lots of snide remarks .one in particular was how could you get pregnant at that size..tut tut..and another classic..that I trapped him in to number 4... A nut job mine....do as i do...spend as little time as possible with her.and never be on yr own with her...and yr husband will be blind to it all..sigh

Record the vindictive bitch!

If she's saying these things in your own home then it'll be easy to record her,you can buy small recording devices for cheap,make sure you wack the volume up on it,put it somewhere that it won't be seen but will record clearly what she's saying to you and have a test run with it(when only you are in the house)before you use it.
Then once you've got the recording play it back for your DP,tell him you had no other choice because he's told you that you must have got it wrong in the past when you told him.

If it's in her house,try using your phone to record how she talks to you.

You need to get your DP on board before the baby comes along OP otherwise she's likely to only get worse.

On the other hand...give her what she wants and get married ASAP..that will shut her up..and give you more control..

Starryeyed this is also my experience..."even encouraged him to cheat and leave me". My exMIL then said he'd done the wrong thing.

OP I hope your MIL isn't as controlling, but you're getting advice and examples here that may help you to stay strong from the start.