in thinking that DPs mother is trying to punish me for being pregnant

[phugop]

Currently 24wks pregnant and DP’s mother is far from pleased about the news. DP’s family are extremely traditional and are very much against having children before marriage. We have only been together for 2 years and whilst we do both want to get married in the future, we are prioritising buying a house together at the moment instead. I fell pregnant unexpectedly but we are both genuinely happy and feel very much ready for a baby.

Ever since we announced the news to DP’s family I have had to put up with snide remarks from his mother regarding how disappointed she is that we are not married and how embarrassing it is for her that I am ruining the family tradition by ‘letting myself get pregnant so early on’, how we do not own a home so have no stability for the baby etc. These comments have always been made when we are alone and never in the earshot of other family members or DP Whilst I have felt like punching her in the face, I’ve tried my best to appear bright and unfazed by them in the hope that she’ll see that her nasty words will not get a reaction from me.

Over the last few weeks though I’m sure she is getting even worse. On the day of our 20wk scan she decides to call DP an hour before we are supposed to be at our appointment desperately requesting that DP go over to her house within the next hour to help her load some very heavy bags into her car so that she could get to the tip before it closed. Of course DP didn’t go, but she specifically knew the time and date of our scan and I honestly feel like she hoped DP might go and I’d be left on my own for the scan. The final straw is today, she has just told me that she has organised a large family party and the venue has all been booked on the very day I am due to give birth!!!! She called to tell me that she wouldn’t be inviting me as she’s sure I’ll be too uncomfortable but that she hopes I will ‘allow’ DP to still come along as it’s important to her that he is there!

I am absolutely fuming. DP just does not get it either as she has told him that she’s ecstatic about the pregnancy and happy for us both. He’s had the nerve to ask me whether I am letting my hormones get to me as he’s sure that she wouldn’t ever say anything to hurt me and perhaps I took it wrong! AIBU here or does it sound like she’s a vindictive nasty cow who is out to get me?

Does your MIL actually expect you to get married between now and babies arrival? If she is secretly thinking/hankering that that you could or might, your DP needs to set her straight. Otherwise what is she actually looking to achieve?

FWIW sometimes laying it out in black and white helps, 2 friends locally fell out due to pregnant bridesmaid situation and the pregnant one actually said look I am not having an abortion just to please you for your big day and it actually hit home.

Oh dear, you have got your hands full with your MIL.
If I were you I'd cheerily say that first babies rarely arrive on their due date. So it's likely your very new family can be welcomed. That It will be wonderful that the extended family can join together and welcome the new baby. Tell her the timing is perfect. Steal her thunder as I truly doubt she thinks it's for your benefit. I'm guessing she'll either change the date or be very sour at the thought of you and your lovely baby stealing the show.
You don't actually have to go, if baby arrives early and you are too tired, just say a firm NO! It's easy to be excused if you can't go.

Hyacinthfuckit

She sounds like an idiot. Tell her you didn't get YOURSELF pregnant but her precious son put his dick in you and the two of you got pregnant together!

No you are not BU. I've been there - my MIL really does live in the 50s and when I said I was expecting her first grandchild her only reaction was disappointment/disapproval for which I'll never forgive her. I just can't understand her attitude - what the shit is marriage worth compared to the life of a new human being? wtf? >:(

Why not start a little diary. Just a quick note on phone would do. Time date what was said. After enough notes have been made have a chat with DP

YANBU.She is a controlling, vindictive narcissist.

Or you could sneak off and get married in a register office. And not invite her to be a witness.

Seriously though, she's a jealous cow and your DP should make it clear he's supporting you and not pandering to her attention seeking behaviour.

Record her nastiness for DP to hear. Spiteful woman. (Her not you.)

My god as a mother of three sons I hope when they are old enough to have relationships I am NEVER this disgusting to their partners .She sounds bitter and manipulative and oblivious to the fact that HER SON had a hand in you getting pregnant ! (Well not a hand, exactly , but you know what I mean!) Sounds to me like she's trying every trick in the book to alarm you and make you fret through this pregnancy . The bloody NERVE of her to book a party on your due date and expect her son to attend. She knows exactly what she's doing. I should hope your partner, even if he can't see through his mother, will be man enough to find the suggestion that he leave you alone and attend a party on your due date UTTERLY bizzare and tell his mum it's an absolute NO. Nobody in their right mind would begrudge him missing that party with it being your due date. Unless his extended family are as weird as her, and in that case it's pretty awful luck ....(but I doubt it... I imagine at the party she may sashay round telling people how sorry she is her son " wasn't allowed" to attend , and as soon as normal people hear the reason is his partner is due to give birth they'll see it as weird that she even planned a party for that day. So she may well shoot herself in the foot!

Wow - What a total cow and certainly not someone who I would want anywhere near small children. At least you can handle it - and you've been far more patient than I would have been - well done! Some great advice here and I agree - expose her in front of others and then back off. You don't need someone like this in your life - but if she wants a relationship with her new grandchild - she will need you! (((hugs)))

I second the suggestion of going to th party anyway, everyone will make such a fuss of You, which will piss aaaaaaaall over her parade !!
Try if u can , nt to let it create an issue between u and ur OH, tht is what she Wants, and this is a special time for u. Dnt let her taint it x
Ur MIL sounds like a down right b*tch! U can wage war against her without letting it hurt ur relationship, even if tht only means being even more loved up with her son in front of her, to show her tht her petty shit dsnt affect u.

She is going to be allll over ur child like a rash when it's born. I'd b conviniently sleeping with baby/ at baby groups/ visiting ur own family when the wench wants to visit !!
Good luck x

'let yourself get pregnant?'

I'd have bluntly told her 'well, he did put his cock up there first'

OH GOD OP! could you imagine going into labour at the party? No one will be talking about the party but doing a pool as to what the sex is!

I have a sister who forbade my other sister from going into labour at one of her parties. The very same sister kicked up a massive fuss our DN was born on her anniversary.

Nip it in the bud now or just distance yourself, my MIL is the same but she actually asked us to abort DS as kids out of wedlock wasn't on
We were actually planning to marry anyway and just started trying as soon as we got engaged just didn't think DS would appear after the first month!

She's said and done some really shitty things to me over the years, I could fill a whole thread myself so I won't go into it. Now after 8 years far too long I have begun standing up for myself and my God does it feel good. Please stand up for yourself and the baby because she will not change or stop until you do.

Best of luck and congratulations on baby

Start recording the vindictive old cow or entice her into sending you some messages so that you can show your DP what his 'D'M is like!! I'm sure if she thought her relationship with her son and grandchild were at risk she'd wind her neck in!

I hope you go to the God damned party and your waters break right there on her shoes.
That will steal the limelight!

What a conniving bitch

Just tell her you fully understand her point of view - your family are equally upset at your choice of partner - his family is just not good enough and not keeping up your families traditional of being with people from highly intelligent parentage.

Then smile sweetly and repeat everytime she says anything to you.....

She's unhinged and you have my sympathy. Passive aggressive people - my MIL is one of them. I have an ocean between me and my MIL these days so her manipulative ways no longer effect my every day life.

Getting back to your MIL though..
I would be concerned about this sort of behaviour towards you continuing after your child is born. She's not the sort of person I would want near a newborn.
Sounds as if she still has a firm grasp on your DP and it is possible she is going to attempt to control her grandchild as well, either blatantly or slyly through her son, so be prepared for that.

The sort of people who go out of their way to spoil things for others, they lie awake at night, plotting and scheming.

What this nasty piece of work needs is one of many swift, sharp slaps to the face, but alas you are heavily pregnant and we all know she would only play the role of victim to perfection.
That's not what you need - what you need is for MIL to know her place in your life, and that you really don't need to factor in hers, at all.
In a nutshell, sod her family traditions. Make your own.

Try to record her if you can. Then come back here and share
Good luck.

I confronted my mil and she denied it all leaving me open mother like a fish!

I should have then said well in that case I won't hear any more lies/ insults etc about me will I?!

Open mouthed!

She sounds charming. Has she always hated you?

You partner should be standing up for you. HE needs to tell his mum to BACK OFF!

Get married. Nothing huge to spend a fotune, it might be even only you two now.
Main reason is that it would be your partner's strong commitment he's with you. I would not expect your MIL to turn to nice and lovely person that instant. It would send her very strong message though.

Bless you. When I was 12 weeks pregnant my MIL and I fell out over my sarcastic reply to her ridiculous Facebook comment. She went nuts, saying she never wanted to see me again, and all this STUFF came out that I'd supposedly done over the years I'd been in her life.

DH was wonderful. He went to find out what was wrong and then stopped all communications with her. I wrote her a letter, saying that I was sorry that she hadn't spoken to me about these things as they happened so that we didn't get to this stage but I thought we all needed some time, and if she ever wanted to talk I'd be willing.

I wasn't prepared to have a child growing up thinking it's okay that Grandma doesn't talk to mummy. Faced with losing her son as well, I got a text a few weeks later asking to meet. I went and we talked. We have a pretty good relationship now. You have to deal with it now and DP has to support you. This isn't about a party it's about what kind of family your bundle grows up in and how they treat each other.