in thinking that DPs mother is trying to punish me for being pregnant

[phugop]

Currently 24wks pregnant and DP’s mother is far from pleased about the news. DP’s family are extremely traditional and are very much against having children before marriage. We have only been together for 2 years and whilst we do both want to get married in the future, we are prioritising buying a house together at the moment instead. I fell pregnant unexpectedly but we are both genuinely happy and feel very much ready for a baby.

Ever since we announced the news to DP’s family I have had to put up with snide remarks from his mother regarding how disappointed she is that we are not married and how embarrassing it is for her that I am ruining the family tradition by ‘letting myself get pregnant so early on’, how we do not own a home so have no stability for the baby etc. These comments have always been made when we are alone and never in the earshot of other family members or DP Whilst I have felt like punching her in the face, I’ve tried my best to appear bright and unfazed by them in the hope that she’ll see that her nasty words will not get a reaction from me.

Over the last few weeks though I’m sure she is getting even worse. On the day of our 20wk scan she decides to call DP an hour before we are supposed to be at our appointment desperately requesting that DP go over to her house within the next hour to help her load some very heavy bags into her car so that she could get to the tip before it closed. Of course DP didn’t go, but she specifically knew the time and date of our scan and I honestly feel like she hoped DP might go and I’d be left on my own for the scan. The final straw is today, she has just told me that she has organised a large family party and the venue has all been booked on the very day I am due to give birth!!!! She called to tell me that she wouldn’t be inviting me as she’s sure I’ll be too uncomfortable but that she hopes I will ‘allow’ DP to still come along as it’s important to her that he is there!

I am absolutely fuming. DP just does not get it either as she has told him that she’s ecstatic about the pregnancy and happy for us both. He’s had the nerve to ask me whether I am letting my hormones get to me as he’s sure that she wouldn’t ever say anything to hurt me and perhaps I took it wrong! AIBU here or does it sound like she’s a vindictive nasty cow who is out to get me?

I laughed when I read the date the party booked. This is so incredibly controlling. She's going to loose this silly power struggle, isn't she?!! Or at least I really hope so for your sake. And that of your baby. What a silly silly woman. Yes, please sit down with your dp and drip the conversation as best you can do he works out what an evil bitch she is.

It's not the fact she's booked the party on your due date - you've only a slim chance of actually being in labour then anyway. It's the fact that, whether or not you've had the baby or are still pregnant, she's told you that you are not welcome. Is the baby invited if it appears beforehand?

If you really want to have some fun, tell her that since you and DP aren't married, of course you'll be giving the baby your surname I bet she'd love that.

Does your dp not think it strange you haven't been invited to this party? What does he plan on doing if you've had the baby and you're at home with a very young newborn onthat day?

Why shouldn't the baby have its mother's name?

It's both traditional and sensible.

And none of this woman's business.

If you really want to have some fun, tell her that since you and DP aren't married, of course you'll be giving the baby your surname grin I bet she'd love that.

Actually, I almost agree with this.

Go for a double barreled surname. So often the marriage never happens and the mum is left single and her DC bears a different surname.

Gosh! does she live at 666 Jurassic park ave at all?. What a Dinosaurus and the attitude with it.

I think your DP ought to man up and sort it out with her unless there's something else that we don't know is causing this but that must be married attitude its 2016 not 1816 frer christs sakes!

Oh yes, "traditionally, children of unmarried parents had the mother's surname, not the fathers. I know how important it is to your family that traditions are followed. And if DP and I get married in the future, it'll be no effort at all to change the child's surname." Piss her right off.

Also think AmeliaJack's response is pretty good.

OP record her on your phone and play it back to your DP.

These comments have always been made when we are alone and never in the earshot of other family members or DP

So when your DP enters the room you say "Oh DP, your Mum was just berating me for daring to get PG outside of wedlock. I do think that you might need to explain your role in that to her".

ie repeat what she has said and how she has said it in front of him.

And then Be Silent!! And watch her squirm.

Do this a few times and i think she will stop.

Unless you have wealth and plan to continue to work FT after maternity leave it'd be sensible to get married!

oh please give your DC your name!
I did.

'Oh mil.. i didn't get pregnant- your son got me pregnant.'

'Yes I suppose things were different all those years ago when there was stigma at being unmarried. Thank goodness things have changed in modern times.'

'Oh that's a shame about the party - don't you want dp to attend? He'll be sad to miss it .'

As pps have said, you do actually have the power here. Nip this in the bud. Cheery face on, deliberately 'misunderstand' if needed and turn every remark right back. The repeating back technique really does work. Record her if you have to - you can get apps that do it one-touch.

Treat her like a daft toddler and don't see her any more than you have to. And you must get dh on board.

Amelia, your response is excellent.

She sounds out of order to me. "Let yourself get pregnant"!!! Pfft was her DS not involved

This with bells on. Never mind the 1950s, my paternal grandmother was like this with my mother in the early 70s. When they visited an aunt my mum had to stay in the car because they couldn't tell her she was pregnant. Because they weren't married!

You'd never think it took two to tango...

Tell your DP no invite and there will be a biiiiig problem. You need to stamp this out now or suffer for ever.

What a bitch!! Don't take any shit op. Nip it in the bud.

I be quite clear to your DP that you are neither mad or overly hormonal. You are an adult and know EXACTLY what is happening.

If you continue to behave this way, I will not see you alone. Which means you won't be able to visit the baby and me if DP isn't also here.

Although nasty MIL could say "Fine. I'll wait till my DS is around then."

You could say ...... "I'm very uncomfortable around you with these hurtful comments and I'm not sure you won't transfer that attitude onto our DC, so I don't think you can be trusted to be with DGC unsupervised". Not unless I see a change in your behaviour towards me.

I'm afraid all that is opening you up to appearing precious. No ultimatum is required at this point, just s backbone.

Lots of good advice here. Also be damn sure that you point out to her that it's not your decision to "let" DP go to the party. He's not a pawn in this bizarre power struggle! So when he says no he won't be going, it's 100% his decision.

Thank you Dinosaur and Sandy

So many typos

I think Grandparents are very important in a child's life and the relationship should be nurtured.

However that doesn't mean being a doormat. Having children gives you more power in the relationship not less.

I accidentally discovered this when my kids were about 18 months old.

My PILs are actually very nice people. We all get on very well when my DH and I set clear limits, boundaries and consequences and stick to them

It's just like dealing with toddlers sometimes adults also need to be reminded that tantrums and bad behaviour will not secure the result they want.

As in, saying "if you don't..." opens up the option that she won't. Be assertive, assume she will be backing off at your request... don't give her two options.

It would do MILS who are not so pleasant a lot of good to realise that their DIL or DSs partner holds a lot of power where the grandchild/children are concerned. Especially when they're very young. What's more she doesn't even have to vocalise her feelings to respond to the crazy MIL.

If your baby hasn't arrived, go to the party.

D'you know - I wouldn't be surprised if the excitement brings on your contractions! I'm sure your DP would insist on rushing you to the hospital.

Of course, the contractions might have faded by the time you got there, but that's labour for you - you can never tell when it's going to be for real, especially with a first baby!

If your baby has arrived, don't go, and I'm sure your partner will want to be with his new family, too - or perhaps you could just pop in for 10 minutes, smiling proudly and take all the limelight . . .

Whatever you do, don't let this vindictive, manipulative cowbag ruin your joy.

Sandy that's true but that would presumably limit visiting time with new baby while the OP is on Mat leave, really only to the weekends if baby sleeps in the evening.

No walks to the park, no looking after baby while OP nips to the doctors or hairdressers. No just dropping in to see the baby.