in thinking that DPs mother is trying to punish me for being pregnant

[phugop]

Currently 24wks pregnant and DP’s mother is far from pleased about the news. DP’s family are extremely traditional and are very much against having children before marriage. We have only been together for 2 years and whilst we do both want to get married in the future, we are prioritising buying a house together at the moment instead. I fell pregnant unexpectedly but we are both genuinely happy and feel very much ready for a baby.

Ever since we announced the news to DP’s family I have had to put up with snide remarks from his mother regarding how disappointed she is that we are not married and how embarrassing it is for her that I am ruining the family tradition by ‘letting myself get pregnant so early on’, how we do not own a home so have no stability for the baby etc. These comments have always been made when we are alone and never in the earshot of other family members or DP Whilst I have felt like punching her in the face, I’ve tried my best to appear bright and unfazed by them in the hope that she’ll see that her nasty words will not get a reaction from me.

Over the last few weeks though I’m sure she is getting even worse. On the day of our 20wk scan she decides to call DP an hour before we are supposed to be at our appointment desperately requesting that DP go over to her house within the next hour to help her load some very heavy bags into her car so that she could get to the tip before it closed. Of course DP didn’t go, but she specifically knew the time and date of our scan and I honestly feel like she hoped DP might go and I’d be left on my own for the scan. The final straw is today, she has just told me that she has organised a large family party and the venue has all been booked on the very day I am due to give birth!!!! She called to tell me that she wouldn’t be inviting me as she’s sure I’ll be too uncomfortable but that she hopes I will ‘allow’ DP to still come along as it’s important to her that he is there!

I am absolutely fuming. DP just does not get it either as she has told him that she’s ecstatic about the pregnancy and happy for us both. He’s had the nerve to ask me whether I am letting my hormones get to me as he’s sure that she wouldn’t ever say anything to hurt me and perhaps I took it wrong! AIBU here or does it sound like she’s a vindictive nasty cow who is out to get me?

Jink you're so right.

When DP comes back into the room, make a point of repeating back what she just said. Breezily say "So DP, your mum was just saying how disappointed she is that we're ruining the family tradition. Haha, isn't she funny" then silence. Wait for her response. Then wait for his. If he doesn't stand up for you, then (Mumsnet cliche alert) you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem.

^^^^^^ Spot on.

Oh another one is just pretending you don't hear and asking her to repeat it, even when you are alone. Two reasons:

1. it means SHE has to realise what she is say and consciously say it twice - it hasn't just slipped out.

2. it gives you a few precious seconds breathing space to formulate a suitable response.

Record her.

Wow I thought my MIL was bad!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Absolutely let your DP know what she is saying behind his back. She is poisonous.

Based on my very recent experience of a MIL like yours OP- I would question your DP's loyalty. I had months of rude and at times threatening emotional abuse from my DP partner's mother when I was pregnant. It resulted in me having severe post natal depression and telling my partner that if he continued to allow her to abuse me then we were finished. Finally she pushed it too far for him and now they have no contact (his decision). If it doesn't improve, get out now and look after yourself and your baby. She won't get any better once the baby is here.

My DP's parents had a similar attitude and said some truly unforgivable things when we finally got pregnant. I stopped talking to them in a very undramatic way (easy as they live hours away and never ask to speak to me on the phone) and generally stopped making an effort (eg to remind DP when birthdays are, plan visits) and they eventually realised that they won't see him or my DC if they're not civil to me. They have improved although I have drawn some hard lines (they don't stay in our house and we don't stay in theirs, they don't get time with DC unless one of us is around). You really need your OH on side - however you get him there. I think you may have to be a bit sneaky so he catches her at it. Luckily mine are so self righteous they couldn't imagine their DS didn't agree with them (ie that everything wrong was my fault and he had been led astray by my wiles) so said it all in front of him and tried to hide it from me rather than the other way around!

What a bitch :( I would speak to your partner about him supporting you more :/

I advise against ignoring.

I read once on here someone suggested a good idea. When the MIL says something to you when you are alone with her. As soon as your DP comes in the room, say, "oh, MIL has just said ie I'm ruining the family tradition, that we aren't provididng a stable home for the baby" whatever, it was. Not in an accusing voice but just repeating it.

Then say nothing. Let your dp respond to the barbed comment. Repeat to him everything she says. Do not let her get away with anything.

He has to be on your side on this.

Can I be the voice of reason here and say that sometimes it takes a while for the DP to realise that his DM is not the perfect human being he thought he was she was. I'm not saying that it always happens, but at the minute he is blind to it and it may take him time to realise not all families are like his and that her behaviour is absolutely atrocious.

I agree the MIL here sounds poisonous but please don't let's have talk of:

let's not forget that the one who buys the gifts for the MIL and ensures her son visits regularly is the wife.

Is he an only child or her only son? It sounds like 'mummy' feels she's had her nose pushed out and is desperately competing for her son's affection. A bit sad really. I think perhaps, if you can remain calm, you should gently confront her. Ask her straight out why a trip to the tip was so crucial the date of your scan, and why she's planned a party on your due date when she knows your DP's place will be with you?
Tell her you'd like a good relationship with her and your whole family unit. See how it goes...

I agree with making a point of repeating back all the horrible things she's just said.

But, really, how dare your DP suggest that all this is just your hormones?! I'd be tearing him a new one.

I would start with sitting DP down and telling him everything his mother has said, that there are lots of little comments that have made you think that the party is a delibrate attempt to exclude you and punish you for acting the way she wants. That in that case, you will find it insulting to you if he does go to this family party without you. That you expect him to decline offers to "family events" that don't include his family - which includes you and the baby now.

Next time your MIL says something about not complying to family traditions - I would ask her why she holds you responsible for her son rejecting his family traditions. That you will "respect the traditions of my child's father" that he respects, but not the ones he doesn't care about. That you aren't going to make up for it for her failure to instill the importance of these traditions in her son.

You need to make your dp see what she is doing, keep telling him and record her doing it.
Tell him it will drive a wedge between you and you don't want this so he will have to stand up for you, and neither or both of you with or without baby go or don't go to her party. you need to be together on this.

I agree with pp. She's using the fact you are polite and don't want to cause conflict to bully you. Don't let any of her nasty comments slide.

Your DP is not going to that party. When he refuses, tell DMIL why and make sure he contacts other family members - oh so breezily - to say why you both won't be there.

Let him laff it off merrily as he says to people in the family 'MIL booked the party for the due date of my first baby! The poor old dear is horribly jealous, still, what can you do, really hope to catch up with you when the baby is here'.

Take control, which is easier said than done, but laughing at her & making her secret sins public is a good start. She's filthy - share it.

Tell her to go and fuck herself

let's not forget that the one who buys the gifts for the MIL and ensures her son visits regularly is the wife - um, no, I most certainly don't do that. If he managed to visit his mum before marrying me, there's no reason I have to be his personal travel arranger afterwards. But that's a bit offtopic.

You haven't commented much, OP - what has DP said when you told her about her mum's comments? Does he think you must have misunderstood, or does he think his mum is totally reasonable?

I'm really sorry to say this OP, but you have a bigger problem looming than the fact that she's mean to you.

You're going to love this baby more than you can even imagine it's possible to love right now. Like a physical ache.

I know it's really patronising when parents say that but I mean it as background to the fact that your dh's mother will have Opinions about your child. And if you and your dp haven't clarified that you and he are a team, who respect one another and make decisions together (and she is very much an auxiliary relative, whose opinions are Not Required) then you're going to have a very shitty start to motherhood.

You may not be in a good state, physically or mentally and, in the absence of your dp being prepared to protect you from her, she may well swoop in with all kinds of horrible "help".

My mil is a Sly Commenter. Lovely most of the time, and almost always in front of dh. But when we're alone, the odd truly shocking comment "slips out".

You need to talk to you dp about boundaries in your relationship with one another's families. You need to impress upon him that you are uncomfortable with some of his mother's behaviour, and you need to establish to your own satisfaction that you are his priority.

In terms of managing his mother, give her jobs to do. Ask her to help you stock up the freezer, or pick out educational toys. Anything to keep her occupied and away from the things you don't want her involved in, like feeding decisions, and your sofa in the first 2 weeks after birth. Establish yourself as The Authority in all things baby related, and tell her regularly how much you appreciate all her support (thereby reminding her and everyone else that her job is to support you). Top tip.

I wouldn't be recording shit, if I tell my DH someone said something to me I expect him to believe me. Good enough to have his child but not good enough to be believed? Is he usually this dismissive of you phug? Or just when his mother is concerned?

You don't need this stress phugop, I'd be keeping low/no contact with her, your adult with freedom of choice who you see and who you don't, you have no obligation to see her if you don't want to. Sort out what your boundaries are and don't be afraid to stick to them because people like her won't get any better when baby arrives.

Good luck and congratulations

*you're an adult

Mind you I'd be sorely tempted to go along with mrszc suggestion

Good enough to have his child but not good enough to be believed? Is he usually this dismissive of you phug?

This is what I would do next time she makes a horrible comment while you are alone:

"That was an unkind comment, it hurts my feeling. You'vemade similar comments when we are alone before.

I want you to be an important part of DO and the baby's life.

But you have to decide how to proceed from now on.

Because I will no longer tolerate this behaviour.

If you continue to behave this way, I will not see you alone. Which means you won't be able to visit the baby and me if DP isn't also here.

I want to go forward positively, but it's for you to decide."

I'd make sure that I earned DP in advance that this is what would happen. And I'd keep very very calm throughout.

It's too easy to dismiss "hormonal pregnant woman".

It took me years to understand that in relationships with my DH's family I had the power, you just need to use it.