in thinking that DPs mother is trying to punish me for being pregnant

[phugop]

Currently 24wks pregnant and DP’s mother is far from pleased about the news. DP’s family are extremely traditional and are very much against having children before marriage. We have only been together for 2 years and whilst we do both want to get married in the future, we are prioritising buying a house together at the moment instead. I fell pregnant unexpectedly but we are both genuinely happy and feel very much ready for a baby.

Ever since we announced the news to DP’s family I have had to put up with snide remarks from his mother regarding how disappointed she is that we are not married and how embarrassing it is for her that I am ruining the family tradition by ‘letting myself get pregnant so early on’, how we do not own a home so have no stability for the baby etc. These comments have always been made when we are alone and never in the earshot of other family members or DP Whilst I have felt like punching her in the face, I’ve tried my best to appear bright and unfazed by them in the hope that she’ll see that her nasty words will not get a reaction from me.

Over the last few weeks though I’m sure she is getting even worse. On the day of our 20wk scan she decides to call DP an hour before we are supposed to be at our appointment desperately requesting that DP go over to her house within the next hour to help her load some very heavy bags into her car so that she could get to the tip before it closed. Of course DP didn’t go, but she specifically knew the time and date of our scan and I honestly feel like she hoped DP might go and I’d be left on my own for the scan. The final straw is today, she has just told me that she has organised a large family party and the venue has all been booked on the very day I am due to give birth!!!! She called to tell me that she wouldn’t be inviting me as she’s sure I’ll be too uncomfortable but that she hopes I will ‘allow’ DP to still come along as it’s important to her that he is there!

I am absolutely fuming. DP just does not get it either as she has told him that she’s ecstatic about the pregnancy and happy for us both. He’s had the nerve to ask me whether I am letting my hormones get to me as he’s sure that she wouldn’t ever say anything to hurt me and perhaps I took it wrong! AIBU here or does it sound like she’s a vindictive nasty cow who is out to get me?

Mils have an ability to fuck with your head.
Mine stopped talking to us each time we got pregnant, some shitty excuse about us not being responsible, not allowing a business to take off, and finally "getting up to things" when she had our children!
Chin up bust out and tell her to mind her business it's 2016.

Well it's good to see that I'm not BU in thinking she's a nasty old battleaxe of a MIL. The more I think about it the more I can't wait to drop her right in it tomorrow and see her reaction Finally my chance to get revenge after I've had to sit back and listen her nasty remarks about me for months. I will be back to update you tomorrow

Re party I would say 'oh don't be silly, I wouldn't miss it for the world! What a LOVELY idea. we'll come along together as long as I'm not giving birth or still in hospital, which case neither of us will be there obviously as DP wouldn't think of leaving my side. But thanks so much for throwing us a party! How thoughtful! And if the baby arrives early we'll bring it along so everyone can see your grandchild' then smile winningly and walk away.

Kill her with kindness! She'll know, you'll know. V British standoff!!!

Re DP, next time she does it when he around but not in earshot, call him over and pointedly ask her to repeat it. If she does DP wil know and if she doesn't she will know you're not taking any more. Tell DP straight up 'it is NOT my hormones, she is doing it deliberately' and make it clear you expect his support on it NOW. Because once the baby comes along she may escalate her horribleness (toxic people always do) and you will need his unflinching support.
And lastly. Reduce and Limit your contact with her now. She sounds like a horrible person you don't need in yours or your child's life.

My ex MIL & ex FIL were like this. Note ex, despite me being able to actually "talk back" as it were. Really hope it pans out differently for you.
Congrats on your pregnancy!

OP I have an argument for you.

You are her son's partner. You are not her family and she is not yours until/unless you marry.

As such you have not let her family down in the slightest. If she has a problem with a child born out of wedlock then she is welcome to take it up with her son.

But you do not want to hear it any more.

Also if she loves her son why does she want to cause such divisiveness and take him away from his child's first scan or book a party on the due date of his first child's birth?

He will never have this time or moments again and she is trying to make him pick her and ruin it for him.

Well, I think you should go to the party. So what if you weren't specifically invited? Your dp was invited and you are his dp, so of course you both go. It would be really weird if you didn't.

And if you've already had the baby, so much the better! You'll be centre of attention.

If you haven't, then you'll still be centre of attention.

If you're in labour, your dp will be with you, and everyone will be speculating about you, so you'll still be centre of attention.

Win. Win. Win.

Please let us know how you get on tomorrow. Your MIL sounds like a nasty piece of work. Huge congrats on your pregnancy. Please don't let her ruin your joy

So very sad that there are so many women prepared to use their children as a weapon. It does seem that OP's MIL needs to be sorted out but any hint that withdrawal of contact with the baby seems to be a bit of a sledgehammer way of dealing with things. I'd be inclined to challenge her nasty comments away from the others first. Point out they are hurtful to you but ultimately will likely cause a rift between her and her son. As you are both supposed to love him, surely creating a good MIL/DIL is the better way forward. If she still continues, perhaps ask your DP to back you up and have a conversation in a neutral place with the same theme with the IL's and you as a couple. Whatever you do, be calm and assertive that you whilst you want a good relationship, it is not something that can be switched on and off depending on the level of company. Offer to draw a line in the sand and move on. Your DP also needs to let them know that he will always be there for them but your baby and you come first always. That is not an unreasonable thing for you to ask of him and if he is a truly decent bloke, he will want to do that anyway.

She sounds very passive aggressive or just aggressive! But your partner needs to stand up to her! What is it with mums and sons??? He should be putting you first and pointing out to her she she is out of line not questioning whether it is your hormones. She is also being an idiot and short sighted because if she wants to see her grandchild, she has to go through you and why would you make any time for her!! In the long run her bad attitude will only hurt her.

Oh my goodness! I find my MIL highly irritating but she's a gem compared to your future one op!

I hope it goes well for you tomorrow and y DP realises what she's been saying, evil witch.

I think the options for the part are:

1. Both of you go
2. Neither of you go
3. All three of you go if you've given birth
4. No one goes as you may be in labour!!

Good luck and congratulations!
Oh, and well done for not rising to her nastiness! Kill her with kindness. Keep that smile fixed and be the better person - which you obviously are!!!! 😀

I'm really rooting for you tomorrow. Remember to keep it genuine - the goal is to be assertive, not become as vile as she is. Take the high road but make it clear what she has been up to.

How horrid. However, don't get into slagging off his mother. It doesn't ever go well. Just appeal to his inner hero. Since your DP is also excited about the baby, couldn't you ask him to promise to stay near you for the due date as you are understandably a bit nervous? Say you don't mind if both of you go to the party or both of you miss it - that will depend on baby, but you really don't want to be without him or for him to miss anything. Remember to focus on getting the outcome you want....
And don't let anything spoil this exciting time.

Go to the party and give birth in the middle of the room!!!!!!!

She sounds awful OP. Hope DP backs you up tomorrow

Everything Magoria said.

Chin up op! Please come back and update!

This sort of woman will never accept that her son has left her and loves another woman. it is a very sad state of affairs that she is so jealous that you've taken him away that she can't be suitably thrilled about his child.
nothing you do will ever be good enough. She will try to steal him back at every opportunity - th bowman is nuts. I think you should tell your partner about the situation. He needs to back you every time - straight away he needs to say hat he won't be at any family party instead of at the birth of his first child - how ridiculous. You need to sort this out now - not easy when you're all hormonal because any upset gets blamed on your hormones but you are right to be annoyed and your partner needs to make it clear that he has left home and his family is now with you not her - though she will still be a big part of it providing she can fit in and love his new family as much as he does.

She sounds horrid. No kids before marriage- those days are long gone. If she's being this mean to you now, watch her carefully around your baby. I'm not suggesting she would physically harm your child, but she might say horrible things about him/her and you don't need that crap.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. It's shit.

Out of interest what was she like before you announced you were pregnant? My MIL had a lobotomy the moment we announced I was (unexpectedly) pregnant. She is very passive aggressive, quite self-involved and queen of the guilt trip. DH was oblivious to her behaviour and would say "oh that just my mum" until she began to behave badly towards me and he realised that this had gone on his entire life and he thought it was normal behaviour.

It only got worse after we had DC's. She invited herself to DS1's birth and then was upset because he shared a birthday with her eldest grandchild. She told me during a growth spurt that my milk was probably not enough for DS1 and I should just give up with breastfeeding because it was pointless and why should I bother. When I was 6 months pregnant with DS2 she waited until we were alone and told me something from her past that had potentially catastrophic consequences and then told me not to tell DH. It triggered something from my past that only DH knew about and after a week of nightmares I had an anxiety attack and ended up breaking down in front of DH. She later told me she was cross because I had told him. After we relocated she told my DC's that "mummy and daddy had kidnapped Granny's babies and taken them away from her".

Call your MIL out on it now. Tell your DP how you feel and get him to witness her behaviour. I wish I had done earlier. You will have your wonderful baby, she will say something about the baby or your parenting and that's a whole new ball game.

Oh and on the immaculate conception by the way, I mean, how on earth could your DP have anything to do with it when he knows the Family Tradition?! You're not due around Christmas are you?

Cut the bit€# from your life. You don't want your baby with someone like that as a grandmother. If the boyfriend doesn't get it, dump him too.

All the best tomorrow- it's hard but you need to be the bigger person so that she drops herself in it. As others have said, make her repeat stuff - but make light of it as if it doesn't bother you at all and you are just commenting.

Please do this for your own sake. My MIL made so much trouble in my relationship that even now 26 years after she died I still wish I could go back and stand up to her.
She had two sons, broke up the marriage of one and nearly destroyed mine. She treated me and my SIL equally badly so it was nothing personal.
Just one small example. She told me to have an abortion with my third, much wanted, child as two was enough for my husband to support (I was a STAHM at the time).
I thought I wouldn't be believed and anything I did would just cause trouble in the family and for me.
She was devious, decisive and had everyone believing she was a saint. Now I know more it is obvious she was a narcissist.
I will be thinking of you and hoping all goes well for you. If it doesn't work the first time please keep on trying.

Record her when she comes out with all that crap when you're alone,. While you're at it ask her why she acts as if she's pleased about the baby to everyone else, act genuinely confused as if you've not noticed that she's just an old bitch 😂😂

I have a wonderful mother in law so what I read here saddens me. However, I have a work relationship with a really similar character to the ones described here and, after years of putting up with what was effectively bullying, it was a revelation to read recently 'Confessions of a sociopath' and realize that their behaviour (like that of narcissists), is almost set in stone. No empathy and if the gauntlet is thrown down, they just want to win, win, win even if this means outrageously lying or sly deviousness. Having a bit of insight has led me not to take such hurtful comments to heart, not to suppress my normal politeness and be really firm and direct back. Having some insight into their behaviour has empowered me and enabled me to work out a strategy of dealing with my particular nemesis. Well worth a read. For DP too! Phug, I hope your strategy works today although I can just imagine all the 'Who, ME?' reactions that might have kicked in. All the best...