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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex having lodgers

134 replies

Suzywoozy32 · 26/09/2016 19:37

Hi everyone
I have a 15 yr old daughter who's dad lives about 100 miles away. He's meant to see her every other weekend but this has been sporadic for the last 18 months. She hadnt seen him in 2 months until Saturday when he came to ours and took her out for breakfast. He told her that he has a lodger living with him and his wife. They found him on a website apparently they have never met this man before. Am I unreasonable to be anxious about this ? She is due to visit and stay in 2 weeks and I'm not happy about a stranger being in the house. He will have access to the whole house apparently. I've asked my ex for reassurance but got nowhere. So I've decided that she can't stay over night anymore. I've explained my reasons to her but she has flown of the handle and accused me of not letting her see her dad. My ex just screamed and shouted down the phone and told me that he will see me in court. Am I being unreasonable? I'm asking for a police check and a crb check as I want to be reassured my daughter is safe. My ex told me it's his house so his rules. Please help x

OP posts:
Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 19:39

You are being unreasonable.

Original poster
Suzywoozy32 · 26/09/2016 19:40

Can I ask why ?

OP posts:
HallowedMimic · 26/09/2016 19:40

You are being utterly unreasonable.

Does your ex's partner need to be police checked too? And his in-laws? Hmm

ClopySow · 26/09/2016 19:40

You are being unreasonable.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 26/09/2016 19:42

I think YABU.

She's 15 not 5. And will have a parent present.

ToadsforJustice · 26/09/2016 19:42

I agree with you. Keep your DD at home. You have no clue who this man is and where he came from.

Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 19:42

You can't crb Check everyone your teenage daughter comes into contact with

Your ex and his wife have every right to make their own decisions for their own house and you are completely in the wrong to stop contact.

He's wel within his rights to take you to court, and she's totally right that you're not letting her see her dad.

Who moved the 100 miles, out of interest ?

thecatneuterer · 26/09/2016 19:43

YABVVU

M0nstersinthecl0set · 26/09/2016 19:45

YABU. It is his house, his judgement etc. I would suggest you have to let a 15 year old be relied upon to establish boundaries etc on this.
It IS weird that they have both flown off the handle over this so completely though, rather than suggesting you meet/ discuss more etc. I take it you presented your decision as a fait acconpli?

Trills · 26/09/2016 19:45

Having lodgers is not very common but it is a perfectly normal thing to do.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 26/09/2016 19:46

Erm, only employers and licenced organisations can request DBS checks, you can't just get one for anyone.

Your DD is 15- next year she could be at college in shared accommodation, are you going to want background checks on everyone she comes into contact with?! Confused

Original poster
Suzywoozy32 · 26/09/2016 19:46

I'm not stopping contact just overnights. He moved away. He has a lodger plus another one moving in next week to pay off his mortgage so he can emigrate

OP posts:
AndShesGone · 26/09/2016 19:47

Unfortunately you are being unreasonable - it's up to your ex, her father, to decide what's appropriate when she stays at his house.

But I understand why you might find it difficult Flowers

There are better ways to approach it, you could give her a door wedge for her room so she feels safer.

You need to dial back from this, especially with her - you want her to feel safe and be able to talk to her.
Also your ex has a wife, so clearly she feels safe enough with him as a woman in the house.

Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 19:47

You can't do 100 miles each way for a day visit. That's ridiculous.

ToadsforJustice · 26/09/2016 19:47

So, just to clarify. Your Ex found this man on a random website and they haven't met before. How can this be safe for your DD? He's not a relative, he's not a friend - I can't believe you are getting grief over this.

mineofuselessinformation · 26/09/2016 19:49

She's 15 and wants to go. She's also old enough to contact you if there's a problem. If there is, she may decide not to go again, so that would be an end to it.
Will her dad be there when she visits? Will she have her own room?
If yes to those questions, you should let her go.

Original poster
Suzywoozy32 · 26/09/2016 19:49

Yup that's right. Off a website. Not a family friend or work colleague. No friends in common just a stranger

OP posts:
Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 19:49

In 2 years she could be off to uni sharing with all sorts of random people. They won't be crb checked.

Chippednailvarnishing · 26/09/2016 19:50

I wouldn't be happy about it, mainly because of his attitude.
Surely anyone reasonable would want to facilitate contact...

Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 19:50

So what? How will you cope with her at university? You won't know any of the people she shares with.

JellyBelli · 26/09/2016 19:51

I get why you are concerned, but you need to teach your DD some coping strategies. Let her go. she needs to learn to trust her own judgement and she cant do that if you make all her decisions for her.
Buy her a loud personal alarm, an emergency phone and some credit.
If she got there and the lodger gave her the heebie jeebies, she could text you and you'd collect her, right?

Momzilla82 · 26/09/2016 19:51

Can you use Sarah's law to check him out? I thought if it was someone your kids would be in regular contact with the police could disclose certain details.

www.nspcc.org.uk/services-and-resources/research-and-resources/factsheet-and-briefings/child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/

PoldarksBreeches · 26/09/2016 19:54

Yabu
1- she's 15, not 5
2- she won't be unsupervised with the lodger
3- your ex is her parent and can decide stuff like this
4- disrupting her time with her dad is completely disproportionate to the minuscule risk posed by the lodger

I have randoms in my house all the time (Airbnb and teenage language students) and I have an 8 year old. I'm a child protection social worker and have thoroughly considered the risk. You are being way out of line.

Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 19:54

I assume you crb check all the boys she's friends with ? All those in the school? If she gets a job in a shop, you'll crb any men then? Why only men? What about all the people?

ToadsforJustice · 26/09/2016 19:54

There is a huge difference with your (older) DD being at university with her peers and staying in a house with a stranger lodger. She is 15, vulnerable and in a house with "unknown men/man". I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

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