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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex having lodgers

134 replies

Suzywoozy32 · 26/09/2016 19:37

Hi everyone
I have a 15 yr old daughter who's dad lives about 100 miles away. He's meant to see her every other weekend but this has been sporadic for the last 18 months. She hadnt seen him in 2 months until Saturday when he came to ours and took her out for breakfast. He told her that he has a lodger living with him and his wife. They found him on a website apparently they have never met this man before. Am I unreasonable to be anxious about this ? She is due to visit and stay in 2 weeks and I'm not happy about a stranger being in the house. He will have access to the whole house apparently. I've asked my ex for reassurance but got nowhere. So I've decided that she can't stay over night anymore. I've explained my reasons to her but she has flown of the handle and accused me of not letting her see her dad. My ex just screamed and shouted down the phone and told me that he will see me in court. Am I being unreasonable? I'm asking for a police check and a crb check as I want to be reassured my daughter is safe. My ex told me it's his house so his rules. Please help x

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 26/09/2016 21:19

i know one family who has lodgers

as a consequence their dd actually left because she felt umcormfatble

manyathingyouknow · 26/09/2016 21:23

The moral of this thread:

It's polarising and people are not going to agree on whether or not letting a 15 year reside in a house where someone is a virtual unknown.

Certainly wouldn't be me.

ShouldHaveBeenJess · 26/09/2016 21:32

DD is only fifteen, and therefore, in the eyes of the law, still a child, and still vunerable. She won't be going to uni until 18.

If the OP's ex think this man is trustworthy, then why won't he reassure the OP, instead of becoming verbally aggressive?

I'm well aware sexual abuse can happen at any age. But it's a well known fact that abusers seek out victims who they feel will be less likely to talk. Doesn't always mean young girls; sometimes it can be vunerable adult women too.

The reason I am defending the OP is that Dad's contact has been sporadic and intermittent, and he seems to expect Mum to give into his every whim, without reassuring her that her concerns are groundless. I know DD wants to see him, and of course it's important to maintain a relationship, but I think the constant YABUs at the OP are a bit unfair. She's doing the lion's share here - does she not get a say when 'occasional dad' decides he wants contact?

Summersended · 26/09/2016 21:47

I know a mother who lives with her 16 year old daughter.

They have two male lodgers at a time, should this be stopped?

Should her ex demand checks?

honeyroar · 26/09/2016 21:54

YABU. She wants to go, her father wants her to go and is her parent too. He can put a lock on her door if you're worried. You don't own her. She will end up resenting you.

MyWineTime · 26/09/2016 22:25

how do we know he is not going to leave her alone in the house with him? he is planning on emigrating anyway so why the fuck is he even bothered?
So you've just assumed that he is a completely shit father who doesn't give a fuck what happens to her?

OP, I do understand your concerns but you have absolutely no grounds to stop overnight contact.

Houseworkavoider · 26/09/2016 22:30

I would not be ok with this.

39up · 27/09/2016 00:21

I think the risk associated with the lodger (small) are massively outweighed by the likelihood of causing a real family rift over this (very high), between OP and ex, between ex and DD and between OP and DD.

I also think ex would have an excellent case in court. No judge is going to agree to contact being blocked because of a lodger and it'll cost £££ to get him to make that predictable call. I don't get what is being gained from this at all.

milkyface · 27/09/2016 09:48

does she not get a say when 'occasional dad' decides he wants contact?

in a word? No.

If this was a very young child, or a child who didn't want to go, or had prior commitments ie school or a booked holiday or a club or something which could not be missed then fine, say no.

But this is a fifteen year old girl, who wants to see her dad.

The more mum says no the more she will end up resenting her.

At 16 she could move out if she wanted. The more mum pushes her away and controls who is she going to go to? You guessed it. Dad.

HermioneJeanGranger · 27/09/2016 10:03

All these posters who would "put their foot down" and "stop contact" - how exactly?

The daughter is fifteen and wants to stay with her dad. Short of locking her in the house, how are you going to stop her going? She can make her own way there, or ring her dad/step-mum for a lift and go whenever she wants. The police won't be even slightly interested in a fifteen year old going to stay with her other parent.

How are you going to stop her going if she wants to go? Even if you are "successful" you'll breed a huge amount of resentment on your DD's behalf. Let her see her dad. You wouldn't like it if you weren't allowed to see your daughter overnight because you took in a lodger to help with finances. So don't do it to her other parent. It's not nice.

YelloDraw · 27/09/2016 10:03

OMG lodgers found via a WEBSTIE. Which is, the #1 most normal way of finding lodgers or housemates....

dowhatnow · 27/09/2016 10:17

A normal non hysterical way would be to send her off happily but ensure she has the life skills and boundaries necessary to say something if she feels at all uncomfortable. No big deal needs to be made of it as long as she is aware that you will pick her up at a moments notice if she needs you to.

Ego147 · 27/09/2016 10:20

If you met someone and you lived together, how do you know they are safe - for you and your family?

You don't know who is a risk or not. It could be your partner, boyfriend, relative. Abusers don't have a label on their forehead.

I think the best thing to do is to empower your children to know what is appropriate and is not.

milkyface · 27/09/2016 10:23

dowhat and ego exactly right

Sanityseeker75 · 27/09/2016 10:54

I think it is the fact that you only want to stop the overnight that makes you seem so unreasonable. You do know abuse doesn't just happen when people go to bed. If you was stopping her visiting then I could almost see your point (although I wouldn't agree).

For that alone it seems that you are being difficult in their eyes and is probably why they have both been very vocal about it.

Your DD wants to go you are happy for her to go in the day so safeguarding argument sort of negates itself. I would let her go, let her know you are concerned and make sure she knows about boundaries and can contact you talk to dad etc should a problem arise BUT actually ask her dad to put lock on her door give her personal alarm. Lots of practical things that she can have that can have to help protect her and give you peace of mind.

LagunaBubbles · 27/09/2016 11:01

Your Ex found this man on a random website and they haven't met before. How can this be safe for your DD? He's not a relative, he's not a friend

Oh yes because hes a man hes automatically what? An abuser? A paedophile? Makes you wonder how some people actually manage to get through life seeing this everywhere.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 27/09/2016 11:08

YABU. You daughter is 15 and it is her decision. If it goes to court they will back your daughter, not you. You also risk massively alienating your daughter, as someone up thread said she could end up emigrating with her dad.

Ego147 · 27/09/2016 11:15

Lots of people find partners on random dating websites. I can imagine the op getting upset if her ex demanded a DBS check from anyone she met on a random dating website.

And I can imagine the AIBU reaction if the ex were to post demanding that a single mother had to have a DBS check as her new boyfriend was now staying over regularly in her house.

diamond457 · 27/09/2016 11:58

I don't think yabu. I would feel the same. she would be staying with her dad and a total stranger. awkward for your dd and she wouldn't feel comfortable.
you just don't know in this day and age. How does your dd feel about this?

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 27/09/2016 12:06

I think the scenario of DD emigrating with Dad is a little far-fetched. Have you read the OP? He barely bothers to see her!

pinkyredrose · 27/09/2016 12:15

Would you be as worried if it was a woman lodger? If not why not?

diamond457 · 27/09/2016 12:15

on that note. isn't it weird that in some jobs you need to do a crb check but when you have a total stranger living with you, you know nothing about them!? I guess that's why some people feel uncomfortable about it. If you find some random on gumtree to pay for a room, you are basically inviting a total stranger into your home.
Your daughter hasn't even met this person to talk to so I understand why you feel uncomfortable letting her stay over.

milkyface · 27/09/2016 12:27

I think the scenario of DD emigrating with Dad is a little far-fetched. Have you read the OP? He barely bothers to see her!

It's not though Is it if her mum is pushing her away...

Shitinashed · 27/09/2016 13:00

All the pearl clutches telling the op she is nbn. Do you get checks on every man you have been in contact with. Or for that matter every man in your family. This is
Just once again a rn trying to control every aspect of contact under the guise of protection. Your dd has every right to see her dad and she wants to. Your dd is no more at risk with her dad than anywhere else. Stop using her as a pawn and let her enjoy her time with her dad.

Shitinashed · 27/09/2016 13:02

Rn = rp sorry for typo