Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex having lodgers

134 replies

Suzywoozy32 · 26/09/2016 19:37

Hi everyone
I have a 15 yr old daughter who's dad lives about 100 miles away. He's meant to see her every other weekend but this has been sporadic for the last 18 months. She hadnt seen him in 2 months until Saturday when he came to ours and took her out for breakfast. He told her that he has a lodger living with him and his wife. They found him on a website apparently they have never met this man before. Am I unreasonable to be anxious about this ? She is due to visit and stay in 2 weeks and I'm not happy about a stranger being in the house. He will have access to the whole house apparently. I've asked my ex for reassurance but got nowhere. So I've decided that she can't stay over night anymore. I've explained my reasons to her but she has flown of the handle and accused me of not letting her see her dad. My ex just screamed and shouted down the phone and told me that he will see me in court. Am I being unreasonable? I'm asking for a police check and a crb check as I want to be reassured my daughter is safe. My ex told me it's his house so his rules. Please help x

OP posts:
peri89 · 26/09/2016 19:58

I definitely understand your concern, but think all the checks you'd like to do are a little OTT. In your situation I'd want to be meeting this man, and ensuring my daughter had means to contact me while away etc. Do you trust her dad's judgement? I just feel for your daughter not being allowed quality time with her dad.

Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 19:58

She could be at school every day with unknown men.

delboysfileofax · 26/09/2016 20:00

How is she vulnerable?

GlacindaTheTroll · 26/09/2016 20:00

"She is 15, vulnerable and in a house with her father, step-mother and their lodger, who has been living with them for some weeks now"

No, don,t see a problem with that.

Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 20:02

She's not vulnerable. Unless there's a backstory that hasn't been posted?

Sassypants82 · 26/09/2016 20:03

Are people serious?! YADNBU! this man could be anybody. She's 16 & a minor. You're absolutely right not to allow overnights. I'm absolutely with you. He could have any sort of past. Rather safe than sorry.

Sassypants82 · 26/09/2016 20:04

15**

manyathingyouknow · 26/09/2016 20:06

I've just read this out verbatim to my husband after corrie finished and his response was as follows:

"There is absolutely no way I'd be sending my 15 year old daughter 100 miles away to a house where there was some random stranger living in it who had been picked off the Internet to live in the house"

YANBU OP and the argument that she will be going to university in a couple of years is utter bullshit. She is a minor.

Seekingadvice123 · 26/09/2016 20:06

More general demonising of men. You are being ridiculous.

PlymouthMaid1 · 26/09/2016 20:06

It is perfectly normal to find lodgers through websites but I do understand you concern. All you can really do without being unreasonable is to ask your ex to ensure that your daughter is not left alone in the house with the lodger just to humour your worries really.

Andrewofgg · 26/09/2016 20:07

And what does CRB mean, even if you could get one which you can't? "Never been caught".

If you see him in court he will win. And he might get his costs.

reallyanotherone · 26/09/2016 20:08

Does she ever have sleepovers?

Do you crb check any adult in friends houses when she stays? Adult brothers? Friends of brothers? Dads?

Seekingadvice123 · 26/09/2016 20:08

I will assume you are single OP and have not had or do not have anyone in the house nor plan to until your DD has left home.

MoggyP · 26/09/2016 20:09

I thought everyone found their lodgers online these days. I mean, it's not like there's much left of local newspapers and their classified ads.

It's not even remotely a synonym for 'picking up a random'

crikey81 · 26/09/2016 20:10

YABU

I currently lodge in a house and was 'a stranger picked off the internet'

As I was in the house I stayed in before this.

It's a fairly normal way to find lodgers, which is why there are entire websites dedicated for finding people in this way. Nothing dodgy or weird about it.

TheNaze73 · 26/09/2016 20:10

Not your call Op & I think YABVU

manyathingyouknow · 26/09/2016 20:11

Jeez OP I feel for you. Mumsnet is a strange place. So many people willing to send their children off to stay over with random strangers Hmm I do wonder if half the people on here who say YABU would actually send their kids under the same circumstances.

bluebeck · 26/09/2016 20:12

What really said. You sound ridiculous.

Hockeydude · 26/09/2016 20:14

Yanbu. Your ex doesn't know this man. I wouldn't be running this risk.

My db got a lodger as the mortgage was crippling him. The (female) lodger stole food and money from my db, one day vanished with a load of stuff from his flat and left behind only CCJs and bailiffs visited. But my db doesn't have any kids, it was just him so his risk. You can never tell. She seemed normal!

Chippednailvarnishing · 26/09/2016 20:14

So on this basis all the people saying that the OP is being ridiculous would let someone they have never met and know nothing about sleep in their house with their kids?

delboysfileofax · 26/09/2016 20:15

She's not sending her off to "stay over with random strangers" She's sending her to stay with her dad. Which both her daughter and her father wants.

TrojanWhore · 26/09/2016 20:15

"So many people willing to send their children off to stay over with their father "

Fixed that for you.

Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 20:16

I regularly have people - men - I don't know and have never met sleeping in my house.

Not an issue.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2016 20:16

You can't ask for a CRB (DBS) check just because. You would have to be an employer or similar. And random strangers are statistically safer than any boyfriend you might have.

I can see why you would want to talk to DD and ex about sleeping arrangements, general safety and so on. Banning overnights with a 15 yo? Does she ever sleep over anywhere?

Flisspaps · 26/09/2016 20:16

OP, do you DBS check all adult visitors to your home?