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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex having lodgers

134 replies

Suzywoozy32 · 26/09/2016 19:37

Hi everyone
I have a 15 yr old daughter who's dad lives about 100 miles away. He's meant to see her every other weekend but this has been sporadic for the last 18 months. She hadnt seen him in 2 months until Saturday when he came to ours and took her out for breakfast. He told her that he has a lodger living with him and his wife. They found him on a website apparently they have never met this man before. Am I unreasonable to be anxious about this ? She is due to visit and stay in 2 weeks and I'm not happy about a stranger being in the house. He will have access to the whole house apparently. I've asked my ex for reassurance but got nowhere. So I've decided that she can't stay over night anymore. I've explained my reasons to her but she has flown of the handle and accused me of not letting her see her dad. My ex just screamed and shouted down the phone and told me that he will see me in court. Am I being unreasonable? I'm asking for a police check and a crb check as I want to be reassured my daughter is safe. My ex told me it's his house so his rules. Please help x

OP posts:

abbsismyhero · 26/09/2016 20:17

how do we know he is not going to leave her alone in the house with him? he is planning on emigrating anyway so why the fuck is he even bothered? any repercussions will be dealt with by her mother not by him

and yes i would be running clare's law on anyone i have a relationship with who i wish to introduce to my children (i have a 16 year old daughter and two sons)

i cannot believe you are getting shit for this

Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 20:18

I better dbs check DS and all his friends. Since he's an adult male. even tough he's about 10 in my head

daisypond · 26/09/2016 20:18

It's very common to have lodgers. We often have one, though not at the moment, and we have teenage DC. Virtually all the people I know who are single parents have a lodger - so there's a lodger at the mum's place and another at the dad's place. I see it as entirely normal.

1potato2potato3potato4 · 26/09/2016 20:19

If you can get the lodgers details you can use Sarah's law to apply to the police for any relevant information to be shared with you and your ex. I've done it.

Gabilan · 26/09/2016 20:19

"There is absolutely no way I'd be sending my 15 year old daughter 100 miles away to a house where there was some random stranger living in it who had been picked off the Internet to live in the house"

My dad was incredibly overprotective and would have had a similar reaction, which did make me wonder why he had such a dim view of men. I've been to stay with people I've never met before from off the internet. It's like meeting people in any other way - you need to trust your instincts and be a little guarded, but there's no need to assume that they're predatory.

OP this man is no more of a risk than anyone else. Talk to your daughter to make sure she feels safe but don't let this drive a wedge between you.

HermioneJeanGranger · 26/09/2016 20:20

YABVU. She's staying with her dad.

Do you CRB every man you have sleep over your house?

Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 20:20

By fuck I have a lot of people to DBS check. So my DS can't bring friends home because I have DD and his friends / randoms from the pub / acquaintances who have no way home aren't DBS checked?

Ridiculous.

ShouldHaveBeenJess · 26/09/2016 20:21

Oh, here we go. Lots of YABUs from mum's who would be completely fine with their teenage daughter sleeping in a house overnight with a virtual stranger.... Really? Really?!

YANBU, OP. Highly fucking irresponsible of ex. He should put his daughter's safeguarding way above earning extra cash. Tell him so.

gillybeanz · 26/09/2016 20:22

There's a huge difference between a 15 year old and an 18 year old going off to uni, so those comments are ridiculous.

I too would want some sort of reassurance and it's not too much for the OP ex to give this, considering he's the girl's father.
he IBU not to put OP's worries first, but he's more interested in threatening court.

Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 20:22

I have virtual strangers sleeping in this house with my teenage daughter, where I a, the parent, nearly every bloody weekend. (Thanks DS)

Get a grip. Seriously.

Sara107 · 26/09/2016 20:23

When you get a lodger, or someone into a house share they very often are complete strangers - when I lived in a rented house we advertised for a housemate through the local newspaper, and you rely on how you feel when you meet them and any references you ask for. So I don't find it particularly odd that the lodger was / is a stranger. If he has moved into a house with an adult couple, it is highly unlikely that his motivation for moving in is to groom teenage girls, as there is not a teenage girl normally resident there. Presumably as this is the only contact the girl has with her dad he is at home when she goes to his house, it would be pretty odd if he was out or away when she goes for her visit. So she won't be alone with the lodger. It is very unlikely that she will be at any risk of anything, and if she wants to visit her dad you shouldn't stand in the way - particularly if he is planning to emigrate, she may not see much of him over the next few years.

ShouldHaveBeenJess · 26/09/2016 20:24

virtually all the single parents I know have a lodger

What the fuck? This is a statistic?

Canyouforgiveher · 26/09/2016 20:24

I can't believe you are getting this level of shit either.

I react to my 15 year old like she is 15. Not as if she is 17 or 18 and off to college - because she isn't yet. She is 15 and in school.

I wouldn't be happy with my 15 year old being in a house alone/asleep in a house alone with a man I didn't know. (The difference is I wouldn't bother posting on AIBU where this kind of response is completely predictable).

GDarling · 26/09/2016 20:25

I'm with the OP, my 3 cousins were abused by my aunts lodger, so I'm with you on this one Suzy.
Can you have a civilised conversation with your Ex? Tell him your fears.
Sit down and tell yr DD that you are only looking after her welfare, it will keep her on her toes hopefully.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2016 20:26

We have housed 5 homeless youth in our house (one at a time) for the past 3.5 years. Some have had drug and alcohol problems, some dodgy exes and some weren't making great choices. But they were never alone with DD and we sleep between them and her (and there is a locked door at night). Simple safety precautions. And they are all total strangers when they move in.

ShouldHaveBeenJess · 26/09/2016 20:27

Not to mention twat-dad is hardly 'reliable' as visits have been sporadic and DD hasn't seen him in two months. But yeah, let's give him the benefit of the doubt.... Have you people actually read the OP?

Ausernotanumber · 26/09/2016 20:28

She's not alone. She's with her dad and his wife!

GrumpyOldBag · 26/09/2016 20:29

i think you are doing this just to get back at your ex.

Because it's not really a rational way to think.

Firsttimer82 · 26/09/2016 20:30

I'm totally with you. Don't let her stay over, 15 is still young and NO ONE knows this bloke.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 26/09/2016 20:32

YANBU to be concerned - I would be too.

I'd be at least asking for a lock on her bedroom door for privacy.

Firsttimer82 · 26/09/2016 20:32

*i think you are doing this just to get back at your ex.

Because it's not really a rational way to think.*

Yeahhhhhh..... NO.

ShouldHaveBeenJess · 26/09/2016 20:32

He's meant to see her every other weekend but this has been sporadic for the last eighteen months

Am I missing something? Why are people defending this 'dad'?

BarbarianMum · 26/09/2016 20:33

I don't get all this angst about 'men you don't know'. I thought the thing about abusers/rapists/predators is that you can't spot them just by looking at them/talking to them. So she's no more at risk from a lodger than she would be from a friend of yours, or her dad's, or uncle Barry or the bloke next door.

happypoobum · 26/09/2016 20:33

So all of you who think every unknown man is a potential rapist, are your 15 year olds never allowed to sleep over with friends? Or do you tell the parents that you have to DBS the father, and male relatives or friends they might have in their home? Or do you tell them they may not have male visitors whilst your daughter is there? It all sounds unhinged to me.

You do know that any woman or child is FAR more likely to be abused by someone they know than a stranger don't you?

milkyface · 26/09/2016 20:35

YABU.

She's 15, her parent and step parent will be there.

She wants to go.

Next year she could move out and in with strangers, she'll go on nights out and meet strangers.

Ffs everyone is a stranger at first, are you going to get every single new friend, partner, house sharer/room mate?

You are stopping her seeing her dad.

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