Ex having lodgers

[Suzywoozy32]

Hi everyone
I have a 15 yr old daughter who's dad lives about 100 miles away. He's meant to see her every other weekend but this has been sporadic for the last 18 months. She hadnt seen him in 2 months until Saturday when he came to ours and took her out for breakfast. He told her that he has a lodger living with him and his wife. They found him on a website apparently they have never met this man before. Am I unreasonable to be anxious about this ? She is due to visit and stay in 2 weeks and I'm not happy about a stranger being in the house. He will have access to the whole house apparently. I've asked my ex for reassurance but got nowhere. So I've decided that she can't stay over night anymore. I've explained my reasons to her but she has flown of the handle and accused me of not letting her see her dad. My ex just screamed and shouted down the phone and told me that he will see me in court. Am I being unreasonable? I'm asking for a police check and a crb check as I want to be reassured my daughter is safe. My ex told me it's his house so his rules. Please help x

I even left my 15 year old on her own in a house with a whole bunch of men.

Never mind it was her brother and a few mates watching DVDs

It was still. MEN.

YABU.

She's 15, her parent and step parent will be there.

She wants to go.

Next year she could move out and in with strangers, she'll go on nights out and meet strangers.

Ffs everyone is a stranger at first, are you going to vet every single new friend, partner, house sharer/room mate?

You are stopping her seeing her dad.

^this ^^. Sporadic contact, lodgers and emigrating. Such a "great" Dad.

Maybe ops dd will choose to emigrate with her dad. If she's 16 she theoretically could couldn't she?

toads. Exactly! He sounds like a shitty, can't be arsed dad who picks and chooses when he sees DD and is quite willing to fuck off to another country! And yet he's being defended. Please, someone, tell me why.

You do know that any woman or child is FAR more likely to be abused by someone they know than a stranger don't you?
A lodger in the DF's home would come under the 'known' category. Obviously.

You're in the right. Her dad sounds feckless and I think you should question his judgment. You don't come across as an hysterical mother seeing perverts on every street corner. You come across as justifiably worried.

Crbs are out of date the moment they are done. Tbh i think yabu but can understand why you are concerned. Its a sad world we live in now when any stranger is considered dangerous!

"toads. Exactly! He sounds like a shitty, can't be arsed dad who picks and chooses when he sees DD and is quite willing to fuck off to another country! And yet he's being defended. Please, someone, tell me why"

It's not defending him. It's supporting the DD's wish to have contact with her father, warts and all.

She's not alone in the house with some stranger, she's going to see her dad and her step-mum! Which is a perfectly NORMAL thing for a 15 year old to do.

Her dad might not have had constant contact, but he's still her father, and at 15, a court would listen to her preferences. Her father having a lodger would not be a good enough reason to stop contact in the eyes of the law.

I think if you try and stop a 15 year old staying with her dad, you may see it backfire spectacularly. She's not a five year old who relies on you for transport - what's to stop her ringing her dad or getting the train and going anyway? You can hardly stop her.

Let's not forget the ex screamed and shouted down the phone. I wouldn't want my daughter spending the night with him, let alone the fucking lodger. He's unstable and unreliable. The OP is absolutely in the right to be concerned.

Your right barbarianmum any one can be an abuser.

That's why is so important to put simple safety measures in place. I've been sexually abused by a baby sitter and I've been around lots of women who were abused by people known to them, boyfriends of mothers, cousins boyfriends, step fathers. All these people were in a position and enviroment where it was possible, a lodger can easily fall in to this category. No one expected them to do it. Why would you? But it does happen. A lot more than people realise. Just have a look at the statistics which I think are actually

Just a few simple measures can be put in place to safe guard everybody with out accusing or expecting every one to be a pedophile.

YABVVVU. She will be with her father.

Surely you do not want to be the mother who stops her daughter staying with her father do you?

Your daughter will come into contact with men every day of her life. Best not put neurotic ideas into her head....she won't thank you for it.

Let's not forget the ex screamed and shouted down the phone. I wouldn't want my daughter spending the night with him, let alone the fucking lodger. He's unstable and unreliable. The OP is absolutely in the right to be concerned.

He's unstable for being unhappy about op stopping him seeing his daughter?

Op isn't in the right.

She's whinging that he has only sporadically seen his daughter but when he tries to she won't let him.

How good a parent the dad is and him having a lodger are two separate issues. If the daughter being in the house with the lodger worries the OP, surely that would worry her even if the dad stuck to the access arrangements? The whole 'feckless dad' bit is meant to get us on side.

OP - I see why you have concerns, but really you can't tell your ex not to have a lodger. I doubt he's doing it for the fun of it - they must need the money. Can't you get him to put a lock on your daughter's door?

So on this basis all the people saying that the OP is being ridiculous would let someone they have never met and know nothing about sleep in their house with their kids?

I already said I do this all the time. I have had literally hundreds of strangers in my house with my child. Last week I had 3 blokes staying. One even gave him a fiver for his birthday! Omg paedo!

The fact that he is emigrating does not preclude him from being able to risk assess his lodger and make sure his daughter isn't left alone in the house with him. Nor is the fact that he shouted at his ex. The things are not connected.

also dont know why p is getting a hard time

this person is a strange man lving in the same house-using same bathroom etc

how do u know she will be supervised 24/7

how do u know the man wont attemtp to get in her room at night

i find it weird that people are saying its ridiculous to top her shes a minor-its like letting her stay in a mixed hostel with men would u let her do that?

How on earth do people think "having lodgers" works? I hate to break it to you, but a lodger is, by definition, not family and not friends.
The DD's father is there and has parental responsibility. No doubt he would want to protect her from harm. How can so many make the assumption that he doesn't?
This is a complete over-reaction.

A sibling and his friends are different from two male lodgers, one of whom even the child's father doesn't know yet. How big is his house? If it's anything less than a four-bed your dd could be on the sofa.

I would not be comfortable with a teenage girl sleeping in an unlocked room with two mature unrelated men in the house. Witter on about the 'demonization of men' all you like, if something happened to that girl no-one would be patting themselves on the back that at least they gave the men the chance to prove they were decent. You don't know who is predatory until after something happens, and I wouldn't take the risk. It's not like sexual attacks on women are as rare as hens teeth - though you might think so if you read this thread.

How do you know that from the OP, milky? There's no indication that she is repeatedly interfering with contact, nor that he is repeatedly trying to make contact - quite the opposite, it appears. She's unhappy about this situation. If anything, she appears to have an 'open door' policy, but is anxious about her underaged daughter staying in a house with a man she has never met, and who her ex refuses to confirm or deny is a trustworthy individual.

I'd be fucking worried, but yeah, you're probably right. She's 'whinging' and stopping DD from seeing Dad. You did notice he's married right? It's not a recent split and a desire for revenge. It's called concern.

I'd let a lodger stay in my house.

Presumably you meet them before they move in so you can judge whether it's someone you want to stay in your house. You're not going to move someone in who you have a bad feeling about are you? You could get references from their work or whatever if you really wanted to. You could carry out a check if you wanted to too I suppose!

If there was the first sign of trouble or any concern you could give them notice. Some people become very good friends with their lodgers!

Would op have the same view if the lodger was a woman?

ShouldHaveBeenJess
"virtually all the single parents I know have a lodger

What the fuck? This is a statistic?"

Who said it was a statistic? It's the truth - virtually all the single parents I know have a lodger. I can think of nine sets of single parents I know. Eight of the sets have a lodger, at least in either the mum's or the dad's place, and often both.

Repent - Where does the second male come in?

daisy. We'll have to agree to disagree on this one. I have a few single parent friends and none have lodgers. While it's obviously more common than I thought, I don't think it's the norm. Is it?

How do you know that from the OP, milky? There's no indication that she is repeatedly interfering with contact, nor that he is repeatedly trying to make contact - quite the opposite, it appears. She's unhappy about this situation. If anything, she appears to have an 'open door' policy, but is anxious about her underaged* daughter staying in a house with a man she has never met, and who her ex refuses to confirm or deny is a trustworthy individual.

I'd be fucking worried, but yeah, you're probably right. She's 'whinging' and stopping DD from seeing Dad. You did notice he's married right? It's not a recent split and a desire for revenge. It's called concern.*

Shes said she's not letting her dd sleep overnight. I never said she was repeatedly interfering, she's interfering this time though.

Fair enough she's worried - what's she going to do if dd goes to uni? Or gets a job in fact? All those strange men.

Her ex must think he's a trustworthy individual if he's letting him live in his house!!

So what he's married?

In fact - his wife must also trust this man then surely?

Also wtf has being underage got to do with it? If you're worried about abuse sexual or not, her age is irrelevant. Or do abusers lose interest when you turn 16?