Ex having lodgers

[Suzywoozy32]

Hi everyone
I have a 15 yr old daughter who's dad lives about 100 miles away. He's meant to see her every other weekend but this has been sporadic for the last 18 months. She hadnt seen him in 2 months until Saturday when he came to ours and took her out for breakfast. He told her that he has a lodger living with him and his wife. They found him on a website apparently they have never met this man before. Am I unreasonable to be anxious about this ? She is due to visit and stay in 2 weeks and I'm not happy about a stranger being in the house. He will have access to the whole house apparently. I've asked my ex for reassurance but got nowhere. So I've decided that she can't stay over night anymore. I've explained my reasons to her but she has flown of the handle and accused me of not letting her see her dad. My ex just screamed and shouted down the phone and told me that he will see me in court. Am I being unreasonable? I'm asking for a police check and a crb check as I want to be reassured my daughter is safe. My ex told me it's his house so his rules. Please help x

I also really think this is the kind of thing that teenagers can take badly and can cause long lasting rifts. And yes, right now the DD is 15. In less than a year she'll be 16 and if she walks out then, there is nothing anyone can do. She might want to stay with her dad, she might fancy moving abroad to go to college, her dad might actually be open to rebuilding the relationship.

I also have some vague suspicions about to what extent the NRP alleged lack of interest is connected to the RP's very clear reluctance to have DD stay with dad. Certainly, this whole scenario feels like it's more about control than genuine risk management.

Do you know how long the lodger has been there? Sounds like it's a recent arrangement. It worries me that your ex would bring a man he may not have known long enough to trust in to the house when he's supposed to have his 15 year old daughter staying there. I don't like the sound of it.

Your ex's reaction is also strange to me. He hasn't seen your daughter regularly in the last 18 months but now she can't stay over he's screaming at you and threatening legal action? Why is he so desperate on this occasion to have her?

If you do take her, get the lodger's picture so you can hunt him down. Give your daughter what she needs to stay safe in the house - personal alarm, a little weapon, some self defence moves - as well as taxi fare and a bus/train ticket to get home if she feels uncomfortable.

YABU because she's 15 and obstructing contact is going to cause major issues for you and her.

I think if DDs first response is that the OP is trying to stop her from seeing her Dad there must be one hell of a back story and probably some truth in it.

I would ask for her to have a lock on the inside of her door. Just a simple slide one for when she is inside.

f you do take her, get the lodger's picture so you can hunt him down.

I really hope you're not serious

The lodger isn't a stranger. Her father and his wife both know him. In fact they live together.

Not for very long admittedly, but how long does it take? How long does MN think is a reason length of time in which to establish that a resident is your house is not only a dangerous predator, but one so aggressive that they will prey on their landlords daughter the very first night she stays over.

FFS even if he is a mega-paedo, the limited exposure and proximity of the Father mean he'll have his work cut out

And of course there is a chance the man might not be a predator

The dad is demonstrably unreliable and is planning to bugger off abroad. I wouldn't assume that he'd be a "protective" figure, although I suppose he could be of course. On the other hand, I've been a lodger and flatmates and I have found lodgers, and all was OK - this was in the days of "Loot" magazine lol. On balance, I'd possibly let her go but I don't think you deserve some of the heat you've been getting.

It's a bit over the 2 week time frame you mentioned in the opening post.

You don't have to update of course unless you want to. But I have been wondering how you're getting on and if it was all sorted out.

I'm so surprised with how many people say you are being unreasonable! He is not a family friend or someone your ex even knows. Some random bloke off a website! No bloody way would my kids be going there!!!