He shouldn't take the job and be a father instead?

[user1466488499]

We had our first child DS1 7 weeks ago. We're both adjusting to parenthood and the challenges it brings! We both have good London city jobs and are comfortable.
DH has just been offered a new job which is significantly higher in pay than his current one - he didn't apply, he was approached by the firm directly. Problem is the new job will involve lots of international travel and longer working hours in the week and weekends. DH is excited about the job but I would rather he is around to parent our child and be there for him. I will do most of the child raising and DH will only see DS at weekends. This isn't what I intended when we got married and when I got pregnant. I want two parents raising our son not just me. We are comfortable as we are, not loaded, but we are doing fine.
AIBU for being annoyed he is putting his own personal agenda and career ahead of being a dad? How much money is enough? Is it wrong of me to expect my husband to actively participate in being a father and not just do it at weekends? As said above, we both have good steady jobs making good money. I am tearing my hair out and massively annoyed that he now wants to get ahead and go for this job rather than be around for our son...

Iamnot my sister and her DH had a similar set up to the one you describe as having. A huge amount of travel, dbil abroad and dsis within the UK. My sister and her DH were absolute workaholics pre children so neither are remotely workshy. It was nearly 3 years before my sister gave up that job with all the travel and long hours they simply could not both operate at that pace with out serious family and mental health implications. It was miserable for all of the family. The more likely scenario the OP faces is taking a step back in her career and is being called selfish by many people on this thread to boot.

If the OP states that they're financially secure without the job then I don't think the money should be the main issue - they won't be on the breadline without the additional income.

These scenarios tend to have very polarised opinions from people but if it were me? Money ain't everything and I'd rather cut back (not to the extent that mortgage, bills etc were a worry) but have more time with my family. It's the one thing that you can't get back - jobs can change later etc, childhood can't be brought back.
I also think that too much emphasis is also put on what WE want as parents - do the children not matter? No one will ever convince me that seeing their parents at weekends only is in the children's best interests. It's simply not.

Kj I think you are right. I for one am not surprised that the OP has not come back as this thread is pretty evenly split with very conflicting advice. It would actually have been easier for the OP if more people were outlining what they would do in this situation rather than what the OP should do because that would give the OP some idea of the personal biases so she can discount the opinions that just don't apply to her scenario.

Don't assume if he'll be away a lot that he is the one having it easy. Likely to be long hours, lonely and exhausting once the novelty wears off. He'll miss you both horribly and look forward to getting home. I know this because that is me at the moment. Dh's career on hold. I've done it both ways and can say the SAHM time I had was the "easier" option. Not when dealing with 2 DC and a sick bug alone, but mornings in the park in the sun, or nipping to the beach with mates because you can, all that stuff. That said the afternoons were a bit long and lonely in the winter, you need to plan your days carefully so you dont become isolated if he ends up taking the job. Whilst I dont enjoy being away, for now it is the right decision for our family. We have a home we can fit in, and wont be impoverished in retirement. But you need to agree this together, get him to listen to what you want in your career moving forward and then plan how jointly you can make that happen. He will want to provide for his family because thats what society expects of him. As many others have said now is the time for him to negotiate so he can support your aspirations when you return to work, and provide for you both in the non money ways. I don't much care for being away but have lots of flexibility when I am not so its nowhere near as bad as it sounds. You both need to put your emotions to one side and rationally work through the options. Life has a habit of chucking us curve balls, this will be the first of many for you as a family, and I wish you the best of luck with your decision.

It's weird how people think you can be an good parent to children you rarely see.

Maybe never seeing your children at all is the very best type of parent?

Children don't need physical contact or the intimacy of shared lives.

They just need to know they have a Dad out there with far more important things to do than bother with them.

Maybe we should apy this logic to work?

He should tell his boss that it's quality time that counts, so from now on he will only come to work for 4 hours per week, at the time of his choosing.

He can be just as good an employee if he is never in the office, doesn't know his colleagues, and is on holiday abroad mos5 of the time.

He could Skype occasionally.

If human contact is of so little value, and just thinking about something rather than doing it is enough, his career will be fine.

YANBU. You are a team and so both parties should agree to any big changes like this. You both have to consider what is best for your family. A baby is a massive time eater so perhaps he should have waited if he wanted a job like that for a few years, then settle down to fatherhood

But gotthearse you're comparing your busy job with your time as a SAHP. The OP is just on ML and will be going back to work, so you would need to compare the busy overseas-travel job with the lot of a working parent entirely responsible for all drop offs pick ups etc.

I can see where he's coming from, he as a man is thinking, extra financial stability. Just explain to him that you waited to have your son until you were married because you didn't want to bring him up on your own, him being away for so long is against the plans you had for your family. There's a woman on my street who's husband is home for very little time (I literally think it's a matter of hours per week!) And she's bringing up 4/5 (depends which kids are "at dads" at the time) and she's quite literally living the life of a single mum. There's a lot of undue stress, the kids aren't happy, and neither is she.

DH took on a similar promotion recently having been head hunted. A lot more money. We had a chat about it. I was encouraging. I also work FT but work is more flexible. The extra money pays for a cleaner an additional day of the week, and someone to cook every fortnight. DH is fully hands on when he is here. More than hands on.
Just today he has cleaned the house, done the laundry, the bins, I have had an afternoon nap and sorted out dinner. Also taken DS swimming. I don't resent it because I know if a similar opportunity arose he would be fully behind me (and has always been). I also know that he is grateful that I do pick up some of the slack and he tries to make it up. Our marriage is not a competition.
DH got almost no paternity leave but he did nights (was working crazy hours as a junior doctor then) and night feeds, would wake up and clean the house, do the dishes, make me breakfast, do the laundry and put away stuff and hold the baby while I washed and showered and then head off for a 12 hour shift. Often he would come home and find me covered in vomit and v tired and then make dinner. That he worked longer hours didn't and hasn't made him a poorer Dad.

Sameoldiggi yes, and that is why he needs to negotiate now so the OP doesn't do all of the runabout when she RTW. i am away quite a bit, but have flexibility when home so I do get to the school gates and assembly etc. it's possible with a bit of compromise. It will be harder when DH RTW but we'll plan it together and either get help, or I'll be in a better position to take a role with less distance by then.

As for the poster who thinks her DS won't know his fathers touch, unless it's a totally bonkers job offshore that's bollocks. My DC have love and cuddles and snoozes with us both, they are fine. we are a loving, kind family who looks out for one another and recognises the value in the contribution that everyone makes, whether that be caring at home or out earning. Both are considered important and respected. The DC know why we work it like this, and don't seem to be suffering from a lack of anything.

Such a hard one for both of you. I can see all sides to this. However the most important side is what's in the interests of the child (ren).That's what you need to have in mind when you both discuss it.

If he does it and you end up full of resentment then that won't be healthy for the whole marriage and kids. This all comes down to values and how you as a family want to bring up your children. Some leading child psychologists would argue that more than 60 hours a week - you can't really cut it as a father and that parents should choose more flexibly. Others make it work but are the children truly happy? Perhaps they just dont know any different if Dad was always away. Perhaps he could do it a for a year- get the money and experience but then negotiate another role with more flexibility - it could actually provide him with more options longer term.

What about your career? Are you happy to be the sahp longer term or perhaps you want the opportunity not to stand still in your career?

Sometimes I wish in my life we had had less and not worked so intensely to have ' the nicer things' but been at home more. But somehow we have both managed to get flexible work from home roles and still earn enough. Husband will not take the higher level promotion as he will then be st work beck and call 24:7 with tons of stress. Our son is nearly 12 though and needs his Dad so much now - has done very much since 6 to be honest. Before that he was always a hands on husband but does work long hours.

If he has been sought out for the role- can be negotiate any flexibility ? Appreciate this could be unrealistic but with remote working nowadays and the technology to support it - does he have to be away Mon to Fri? Perhaps he could convince them 3 days a week abroad and 2 at home? I would push for that- if they really want him they may go for it. There are options and compromises and smart solutions to this that could be better than the black and white take it/don't take it. At least discuss how could it work?

I think one of the issues here, is the acceptance that a Very Important Job means that the man (usually) doesn't need to share the childcare drops & collects & corrosponding 'work'.

There are so many threads on here where women have taken on the lionshare of the DC 'management' during the week because of these sorts of jobs.

I have seen it in RL too. DH's that have to leave before childcare & return once the kids are in bed. I am afraid there is part of me that wonders if maybe suits them to not be around.....

I do know that there are well paid jobs that are given with "expectations" of a level of work/committment/presentiseem.

However, equality in the workplace would move along a bit if those with VIJs started visably sharing the childcare drops/sick leave.

In the book Shattered, which is about inequality in the workplace & parenting, the author found that men did work flexibly (going to sports day etc) but they just didn't tell/ask anyone. Whilst women typically go by the book and request the flex hours etc.

It just made me think if only men would be more open, then flexibility would be seen as the norm etc.

So, back to the OP. I would suggest that he does consider it, but with the agreement he'll do half the childcare drops/collects & sick cover..And that when he travels he needs to then cover a bit more when back, so you stay later at work etc.

I do think staying in one company for such a long time isn't great. So moving would be good, but not at the expense of your career.

Yes, you almost never see the man working less after DC and the woman taking a job like this. Him doing this job will mean OP has to do much more of the parenting and domestic work, and impede her WoH options, especially if a commute is involved, eg impossible to work an 8 hour day and commute within normal nursery/childminder hours.

If the other partner isn't reliably doing a drop off or pick up on WoH days.

The child will probably be fine whatever as long as it's looked after well by parents or nanny etc.

I'd worry about the effect on the relationship of parents hardly seeing each other, one being resentful if the other chooses to be away, etc.

It needs to be discusses and agreed on not decided by one person alone

And who cares if the extra money means you can have a cleaner and pay a cook? I'd rather have my husband around than a cleaner, even if I have to do my own cleaning. Some people are just weird. Similarly I'd rather have cheaper holidays, a smaller house and an old car, than an expensive lifestyle but no time to spend with my family.

If you love the job more than family, or have to work long hours because your job is low paid, obviously that's a different matter!

I would say if you fell strongly about it then put your foot down. Men will unfortunately spin the line that it's to 'give the family a better life', when the reality is its all about their dreams and ambitions.

I've been on the other side. DH works very long hours and has a long commute. Yes, we are financially stable but at the cost that he hardly sees his DC midweek. They are older now, 10 and 8 so he gets to be there an hour before bed, but when they were little, he never saw them. Plus I could count on one hand the amount of times he was there to help with the bath and bed routine or even a morning feed. In fact, don't get me started when the tantrums started, it was exhausting! I even worked out that compared to my NCT friends with their DH's working locally, I was doing an extra DAY's childcare on my own a week compared to them! I used to be so envious when their partners were walking in the door and they got some family time.

But it is what it is and you find a way through. If you don't need the money, I would encourage your DH to wait until the kids are older to change jobs.

I still maintain I would gladly have a lot less (don't have loads but we are comfortable) and see my DH more.

Bellini I feel the same.