He shouldn't take the job and be a father instead?

[user1466488499]

We had our first child DS1 7 weeks ago. We're both adjusting to parenthood and the challenges it brings! We both have good London city jobs and are comfortable.
DH has just been offered a new job which is significantly higher in pay than his current one - he didn't apply, he was approached by the firm directly. Problem is the new job will involve lots of international travel and longer working hours in the week and weekends. DH is excited about the job but I would rather he is around to parent our child and be there for him. I will do most of the child raising and DH will only see DS at weekends. This isn't what I intended when we got married and when I got pregnant. I want two parents raising our son not just me. We are comfortable as we are, not loaded, but we are doing fine.
AIBU for being annoyed he is putting his own personal agenda and career ahead of being a dad? How much money is enough? Is it wrong of me to expect my husband to actively participate in being a father and not just do it at weekends? As said above, we both have good steady jobs making good money. I am tearing my hair out and massively annoyed that he now wants to get ahead and go for this job rather than be around for our son...

Another one here speaking from bitter experience. When we were at this crossroads we had the added pressure of a house purchase and I didn't think about the implications of DH taking up the offer.

His success meant career suicide for me. Again it was the only way we could make it work with the DCs.

Several years down the line I've done the SAHM thing and slowly resurrected a small career that fits around the DCs. I now earn all of 4% of the money I earned in my previous career. I enjoy my work but get very little respect for it, and the money is a joke.

I wouldn't say that DH is all that happy with the decision either. His job is very stressful, his health suffers, and he barely sees the DCs except at weekends.

If I could turn back the clock, I would aim for a more balanced family life with both of us as more equal partners juggling together.

Good luck OP.

OP - do you plan to go back to work? Reading through it isn't clear.

I have taken a back seat to DH's career for the past 5 years while we have popped out children. I am now taking the front seat and have returned FT, which is 70-80 hours a week right now. It has worked out well for us.

The best thing to do is talk to your DH and listen to him. You had a baby 7 weeks ago so it's actually good timing for him to start while you are on leave and plan the resources you need for your return based on his established schedule.

When you talk to him you need him to be explicit about what international travel is. Flying to Europe is one thing but spending two weeks in Australia is a whole different kettle of fish.

Be firm that if he takes this job you are outsourcing the housework he would be doing if he were home. I outsource a lot because it is cheap here but in the UK I would insist that we outsource all gardening and cleaning at a minimum.

If you needed the money then I would say he should take the job but if it's just about him getting an exciting new job offer with more money then I think he should decline join this occasion and revisit a change in a year or two.

I speak from experience, my DP and I agreed his job would take a back seat and he would help me to return to work full time etc because I love my job and earn more than him. That was always the plan. Fast forward a year, I'm struggling to hold on to my full time job because I also have all the housework and childcare to deal with. DP has returned to leaving home at 6am and coming home at 8pm. Being the one who has to sort out a toddler in the morn whilst getting ready for work and do all the bedtime routine is really hard work and I resent him for it. That's the key really, do you or will you resent him for his lack of hands on day to day help?

If you're income is good and he takes the job maybe look at getting a cleaner, ironing lady, meals from one of those shops called Cook or something similar, just to lighten your load.

I'm in the money gives you choices camp.

I'd want my DH to take the job, if he wanted to.

I agree with you OP. Surely beyond a certain point of earning time becomes more important than money. You say you don't need the extra money because you're already comfortable, personally I'd rather be comfortable and have a present husband than be rich with an absent one.

Obviously very different if you were cash strapped with no other options.

I really don't understand this race to the bottom of what women can expect in husband's as long as they're earning decent money. I'm sorry but if you make the decision to have a baby you can't expect to fuck off for 5/7 of the week.personally I'd feel pretty angry if my DP even suggested it....in my opinion it doesn't make him much of a father or husband given he doesn't need to do it as you have enough to be comfortable...he's being selfish.

I don't know your DH but I'm willing to bet good money that if you wanted to do something similar, he'd feel differently. I'm all for partners supporting each others careers around childcare and managing difficult schedules occasionally, but it never fails to disappoint me how often it's the woman left looking after the kids while the male pursues his career as if he's single and childless.

My husband works away for weeks on end, I will be honest it's bloody hard raising the kids on my own, but he's still a good dad.

And when he's back we make the most of it. I wouldn't say he's being unreasonable in thinking of taking the job, but I understand your frustrations X

My best friends dh worked abroad and only saw their dd at weekends for the first couple of years of her life (he wasn't away every week, but most).
He then changed to a position where he was abroad but less often.
He is one of the best dad's I know and I don't know a 15 year old girl who is closer to her father than her.

some posters are replying in a way that suggests they might not have noticed the "working weekends" bit.

I think if you had a conversation about equal time around parenting then it's very hard on you. If he has been headhunted then I appreciate it's possibly a job he never thought he'd even get so maybe you never talked about it at all.

but if you based having a baby on equal parenting, yes, I totally see why you are annoyed.

I realise the extra pay might cover a nanny but you might not have wanted that?

I am good friends with a couple who actively planned for them both to be working part time in order to split childcare completely equally. they are also against having a nanny (for the record, I am not at all against it, just stating that I understand if you had the same view they did - one parent with the child most of the time till school).

was it ever on the cards that either of you would do this sort of job?

It's not really a black and white issue here, I don't think either one of you is right or wrong to want what you want.

Also, even if some of us are saying we could do it, there is that saying that I don't recall exactly but the gist is that the same mud can be harder for some than others. We're all built differently and have different coping levels and circumstances. Don't feel pressured if you can't do it.

But don't villify him for being excited about an opportunity. You would be too in his shoes. He has done nothing wrong. He hasn't accepted it. He just got excited. Don't be furious. Take a step back.

How old is DC?

I would tell him how you feel, neutrally and without judgment (eg. Not, I think you will be terrible father if you take this job 😳). But ultimately it has to be his decision, don't underestimate the resentment that can build up in a marriage if one party is forced to give up opportunities because of the emotional requirements of the other. That said, I am not saying you should just accept it, you have to build a scenario where it can work for both.

My do accepted his first directorship just after I had ds2, 13 years ago, this meant him travelling and being away a lot. It wasn't what I wanted but we had to find a way to make it work for us because turning down the opportunity would have been too much for him to give up. It hasn't always been easy, we went to have ds3, they have never known anything different than dad being away in the week, and he is a fabulous father all of the time. They are also very proud of him and have a fabulous role model.

There are lots of options that can be considered, being a SAHM, getting a full time au pair etc etc but personally I think giving up opportunities just because you have a child is mad, life goes on, kids are meant to enhance our lives not control them,.

Money only gives you choices if it's your own money. If he ever leaves you and you have had to step back on your own career to accommodate his, you will not have many choices available. Spousal maintenance is very rare these days and child maintenance can be as little as 10% of his net salary.

I think a few posters are assuming OP is a SAHM. The problem when you're both working, especially long hours or commutes, is that it is much better shared. Say OP is out the house 7am- 6pm she'll need childcare 6.30-6.30. 12 hours a day, and frequently evenings and weekends solo parenting.

I wouldn't want to agree it and I agree that where does the chasing money end?

It's hard, YANBU but at the same time can hardly order him to reject the job!

Also now is the time for him to set clear expectations around travel if he is to take the job. I would not accept travelling on weekends. DH does day trips most of the time and this works better for us. He might leave at 5am but he is back in time for school pick up at 6pm and puts the kids down while I catch up with work. No one else does this schedule of travel because they have not asked. They all spend the full week flying between places when actually it is far better for family life to spend some time during the week at home.

When DH first started his new role he had morons at HQ book meetings for Monday morning at 7am or on a Friday. This meant he had to leave mid afternoon on a Saturday or return on a Saturday. He put his foot down and no longer travels over the weekend. He has extended this to include everyone working under him (unless they want to spend the weekend there having fun).

If one firm has headhunted him chances are others would like his experience and expertise too that wouldn't demand so much time away.
He needs to look at real options and not just take this one because he is flattered.
This is not what you signed up for when you decided to start a family.

Further to jay, he is in a strong position for negotiating his package and travel requirements.

yellow but it doesn't sound like they need the money which is why it's such a selfish thing to do at this stage in the baby's life.

ineed quite possibly because her dad wasn't around to discipline her, be the boring parent etc unlike many other dads. I'd have probably been a lot closer to my dad as a 15 year old if he wasn't the one making me do chores/homework every night etc

OP, I agree that the best solution is to sit down and discuss this - I'm not saying he can't do this for 18 years but I think for the next year or two it's not unreasonable to expect him to prioritise the baby he has brought into the world with you whom he has joint responsibility for. I agree that it's not fair to leave you dealing with all the upheaval most of the time.

Anyway it seems I am a bit different to a lot of other posters - I like working and having a sense of purpose etc, but a big part of working for me is to enable me and my family to have a nice life. DP & I could likely earn a lot more if we worked longer hours, worked away etc but given we manage to work fairly standard working weeks and have a comfortable lifestyle including holidays, eating out etc, any extra money wouldn't make us any happier therefore we'd rather finish work at 5 and spend time together. I am shocked at parents who would rather earn money that it doesn't sound like they need even if it meant being away from their newborn for the majority of the time and shocked that they would leave their partner dealing with the baby on their own.

Completely different if they needed the money. Your DH's timing is crap OP, sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too.

Surely beyond a certain point of earning time becomes more important than money

Yes but that point differs for everyone depending on how much they value time vs how much they value money (or rather what money can bring).

Also don't forget that DH earning more may enable OP to go part time or be SAHM. Which would mean the child(ren) would actually get more "parent time" overall than if both parents work full time and get home for bedtime. So from the child's perspective it's not as simple as more money = less parent time. More money could = more parent time overall. Of course, OP may not want to go part time or be SAHM which would be entirely fair enough.

Would the extra money mean you can buy in help? DH is pretty well a weekend father due to a long commute - if you have housework under control from somewhere (I am SAHM as one of ours has SN, but in your situation you could employ someone) and you can afford really excellent childcare arrangements, then I don't think Dad not being there at dinner every night is a deal breaker. Especially as kids cost a lot of money, especially in adolescence, and as has been said, careers need forward progress to thrive.

I do understand your anger, don't get me wrong. But a lot of kids have both parents working long hours, and as long as the weekends are dedicated family time and he puts the phone down and away and really gets involved, I don't think it's as huge an issue as you believe it to be.

Yanbu

Can just imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you left him holding the baby.

It's very selfish imo.

Your DH's timing is crap OP, sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. Except it isn't his timing and he has every right to be excited about having been head hunted!

I was where you are OP. DH never strongly considered the job even though it was over twice what he was earning. We are not particularly materialistic, we both earn good salaries and being more comfortably off would have come at a huge 'time' price for the family. Instead now DH works from home 9-4 and does all the kid dropping of and picking up. It makes for a much happier household for 2 full time working parents.

but it never fails to disappoint me how often it's the woman left looking after the kids while the male pursues his career as if he's single and childless

It is disappointing that the change in this is so painfully slow.

With the baby only 7 weeks old, I see how you don't fancy this idea. However, I think it is a good one. Studies have shown that men work harder, if anything, after having kids - the urge to provide kicks in I guess. He might be even less likely to turn the opportunity down in that case.

I second whoever said that the extra money/earning potential will come in very handy. Also (and this is just my opinion) I don't think babies much care who's around in the early days as long as food and warmth are provided. So your DC won't notice or care that he's not around as much IMO.

The real question is whether you feel like you could cope with him working longer hours - many women would struggle with that at this stage (including me) so there's no shame in admitting it.

You say now isn't the right time, but what you actually mean is never. He is going to be a father with a child at home for at least the next 18 years isn't he? Do you seriously expect him to agree to remain stationary in his career for that length of time? Do you intend to?

"hey, look, I am being offered this fab new job. You'll be ok working and looking after the kids on your own through the week, yeah?"
But OurBlanche if he takes the job despite the impact on OP, then that is exactly what he is saying.

I think you are BU to think its a clear cut as you make out. As the others have stated, plenty of people have demanding jobs and travel and are still great parents. Some who are around all the time are terrible. I am a single parent and I have a difficult job and I travel, I have to have a live in nanny so am I a bad parent. No, my daughter and I have an amazing bond and I work things out so I get to do the important things like school plays etc. Its not black and white OP.