He shouldn't take the job and be a father instead?

[user1466488499]

We had our first child DS1 7 weeks ago. We're both adjusting to parenthood and the challenges it brings! We both have good London city jobs and are comfortable.
DH has just been offered a new job which is significantly higher in pay than his current one - he didn't apply, he was approached by the firm directly. Problem is the new job will involve lots of international travel and longer working hours in the week and weekends. DH is excited about the job but I would rather he is around to parent our child and be there for him. I will do most of the child raising and DH will only see DS at weekends. This isn't what I intended when we got married and when I got pregnant. I want two parents raising our son not just me. We are comfortable as we are, not loaded, but we are doing fine.
AIBU for being annoyed he is putting his own personal agenda and career ahead of being a dad? How much money is enough? Is it wrong of me to expect my husband to actively participate in being a father and not just do it at weekends? As said above, we both have good steady jobs making good money. I am tearing my hair out and massively annoyed that he now wants to get ahead and go for this job rather than be around for our son...

Just realised I posted without finishing.

Meant to say how hard he found aspects of it, like access to baby changing, going to baby groups (although not many available in the country the were in) etc.

Things are getting better but it's slow

I think we all had definite ideas about life after babies like your child not having a dummy or whatever.
But life happens and plans are sometimes forcibly changed.
In this case I think the choices aren't he takes job and does no childcare vs he doesn't take job and does 50%. As we don't know more details, it's not unreasonably to wonder if there's a third way where he gets to take job and she gets support with her career /life too.
Staying at the same company for 18 years is very unusual in my line of work. People who are money/power motivated often jump ship to another job every 3-5 years. I understand how flattering it is to be headhunted but is the husband wanting to change job because it's the first company who asked and he's lacked ambition to apply for such a job?

But - unless you can do ft live in nanny - even full time childcare can be career limiting if you have nobody else to share the burden with, if you always have to leave at 5 to pickup by 6, you can't be in early, you can't do trips away...a traveling parent places limits on what the other one can do. That's ok if both parties agree and are happy, but OP isn't.

Surely it's the fact that OP didn't sign up for this - did you discuss what you expected of each other career / home wise post baby?

I think I would be furious as well, because I wouldn't want to be left with over half the the childcare and domestic responsibilities when it's not what I agreed with my OH in the shall we have children conversation

Yes things change but I sympathise with you OP.

Also, my DP knows I won't have a baby with him unless we share the parental leave equally and we BOTH go part time afterwards. Why should the default not be 50-50?

I dunno, I'm always a bit funny about this thing where men - maybe women do it too, I dunno, - suddenly decide they're going to exit their families for 90% of the week and visit their wife and child for a couple of hours at the weekend.

Isn't that breaking up, without the tears?

I mean, if I walked out, rented a flat, took up a job and barely saw my husband and kids, is that really much different to a break up? You miss all the warmth and routines of being a family. You become a visitor. You send a bit of money, maybe. Phonecalls. Skype. No animosity I guess? I assume there's a rule about not dating other people...

Meh. I guess if it works for some couples - are you still a couple if you only see each other 12 days a year? - then whatever floats your boat, but no, personally if my bloke came home and said he was going to live somewhere else Monday to Friday and visit at the weekends to be Disney Dad, that's a divorce without any of the benefits of a divorce (I can't date, all his crap would stay in my house and I'd still never get a day off, right?)

Plus if he pisses off for 95% of the time where do you find the time to have a life of your own? Where's your job? Your free time? Your work-related travel? He thinks he can just zip back to the 1800s, chain your to the house with the kids and fuck off around doing whatever he wants to?

YANBU, but without expanding on your op I can't tell by how much.

I'm in a similar situation in that my husband has just started a new job for higher pay (and better job satisfaction) which means he will be away most of the week.
I work 4 full days a week so it means I will be doing all the drop offs and childcare which will be tough (I have a 5 and 3 year old).
The crucial thing is that we discussed the pros & cons before he accepted the job and came to the decision together.

It's not what I had envisaged when we got together as we earned about the same then and I've always been ambitious career wise.
However marriage & parenting does involve compromise and it's the best arrangement for us as a family in the long term.

It may be that you're p*ssed off because he doesn't seem to feel the need to discuss it with you and feels he can make a decision by himself.
He needs to understand that he has to consult you in this and consider the effect on the whole family.
Men can forget this sometimes (in my experience) when they're used to just thinking about themselves...

It's entirely normal for one partner to work away from home during the week. It's not fair for either of you to stifle the others ambitions and suggest it makes them less of a parent. It doesn't at all.

I would be annoyed too.
Can you imagine the eeverse situation? You go on a high profile weeks of travel job and ykur husbands stays at hime and dows all the paremting alone?
Kids are little for a very short time. I think at the beginning of their life it's crucial that the parents stay and get used to them and to their new roles as parents. Otherwise how can you adapt to this life change?
Job opportunities will always arise especially as your husband is good enough in his area so he is approached by the employers.

Him taking this job could be the diffetence between you going back to work or not i was adamant all the way throigh my pregnancy l would be going bavk to work and when my mat leave was up l was gutted to have to go back. Thankfully l got made redundant with a nice pay off but l would say this keeps your options open and l am sure he will still be a great dad

Craige Woukd you not think that being the parent with sole responsibility for a child during the working week and so having to do all childcare pickups and drop offs and covering any child sick days might stifle to OPs career.

this keeps your options open

Not the option of 50:50 parenting!

There are many families where one spouse works away or long hours a lot, and the other does the lion's share of the childcare. This is partly because it's usually more lucrative overall for a couple to have one "big" job and one "smaller" job rather than two "medium" jobs.

But it has to be a joint decision. The default is that you are both 50/50 responsible for the child, and therefore the childcare. Anything else has to be agreed.

As I said upthread, it comes down to the value you both place on the money (and the options it can buy) vs the time. You need to discuss what kind of future you both want - and how expensive that is.

"It's entirely normal for one partner to work away from home during the week. It's not fair for either of you to stifle the others ambitions and suggest it makes them less of a parent. It doesn't at all."

It's not unusual for one parent to work away but it's not all that common - especially if you work in London where there is a wider range of opportunities. But more importantly - HIM working away will stifle HER ambitions, because you can't have two parents working away. Once you have one working away, they other's career is limited. Can't work late, can't travel, can't do even the quick post work drinks, have to take all the time off for sickness...soon enough that parent finds their career has stalled. That's fine IF you are happy with that, but you can't say "don't stifle his ambitions" when that is exactly what taking this job would do to the OP.

It's also not what she signed up for when they decided to have a baby. People always say "oh but forces families manage" or "oil industry" or whatever - but if this isn't how they planned to parent a child then it's not really reasonable to decide, unilaterally, to entirely change the balance and to make the OP responsible for parenting their child all the time if that's not what they planned. Plans can change of course but this requires negotiation and discussion.

my husband sees the kids for 10-30 minutes in the mornings then goes out to farm until 10/10.30 at night, 7 days a week. for basically nothing, take the job, the baby wont remember, stash the cash and retire to the country early!

I would want him to take it so I could reduce my hours and spend more time at home. But that's just what I would want 😀

Well it's nice to have more money at your disposal but money isn't everything. If your DH taking this job makes you feel like a single parent it's perfectly reasonable for you to feel disappointed. Only a frank discussion between the two of you can sort this out. Is there a possible compromise?

I think it's entirely reasonable to discuss your expectations of life and broad outlines of what you want, but also very sensible to retain some flexibility because life has a habit of throwing curve balls.

One of the reasons I partnered my husband was because we had a shared view about how we wanted life to be. We were both keen to retain our careers, and both be hands on parents, share the domestic chores etc
For us, this meant both working as professionals, but neither of us blasting ahead in our careers to the extent that we would be short changing the other on the domestic front.

However, I chose to take a step back and only work 3 days after having dc1. I returned to work when she was 12 weeks, so never had long out of the workplace, but I made a conscious decision that my career would be the one that would be compromised a bit- because frankly, I quite liked the idea of a couple extra days at home

When dc1 was a year old, dh took a new job which had a much longer commute and was slightly less money. I had reservations, but he explained that he felt stake in his job and really needed the move for his job satisfaction. It put more pressure on me because til then we'd shared childcare drop offs etc and suddenly
It all fell to me. However as he was working 5 days and I only did 3, I really felt it would be unfair of me to object.

Op- if the deal with your dh is that you both want to retain your careers at a totally equal level, then he's probably being unfair (but TALK to him- there's nothing worse than grinding away in a job you've fallen out of love with) but if you are happy with letting him take the greater share of responsibility for earning then you need to let him have more control over his life

That should read stale in his job

A new higher job doesn't mean guarantee financial security. There will be a probation period, also with the unknown is always a risk of it not working out. Firstly DH needs to find out as much about the role and company as possible. Try to speak to people already working for that company. Is their culture conducive to family life? I.e. In return for long hours and international travel would there be increased opportunity to work from home? Would employer be understanding if family needs would sometimes have to come 1st.
My husband took a similar role after birth of our youngest child. He hated the constant travel, especially as was expected to fly to states on sun night and return late Friday night, often leaving just sat at home. Periods of work based in U.k ridiculous demands were made for early starts and late finishes. No consideration was given to work life balance and no flexibility. He ended up resigning with no job to go to as it made him Really unhappy and I'll. It was quite a few years ago now, but he still regrets the sacrifices our family had to make during that relatively short period of time. Decisions like this need plenty of time to consider. It may turn out to be the best thing ever for your family, but gather as much info as possible. Also, make sure if he does take job he u see stands increased pressure for you and how this will affect your career. I have had to take back seat career wise for many years. My husband understands now is my time to push forward with my career, he now has to play bigger role in the home.

Play Cats in the Cradle by Ugly Kid Joe, then explain you don't want that for your kid. You also didn't sign up to be a grass widow either. If the job is occasional travel that might be acceptable. Why does the role require large amounts of international travel when we have Skype!? I had a job that threatened international travel but it never became more than an overnight in Amsterdam. My DH has looked into jobs that require this sort of commitment and realised what he'd miss out on. Does he want to live in hotels or see his DS grow up?

The DH in this case has been in role with relatively few family commitments for 18 years. All of a sudden 7 weeks into a period of extreme commitment he is headhunted?? The timing strikes me as convenient for a man who finds the rigours of a young family more constrictive than fulfilling.

Sympathise with you feeling stressed by the prospect of dh being away so much with a tiny baby.
However, he has worked steadily for 18 YEARS and is now ( yes invonveniently) excited about a change and feeling important and "wanted". It really is a buzz to be head hunted. It happened to me and my dh a couple of times, never with ideal timing, but we ALWAYS supported one another to do work we enjoyed whilst raising a largish family. There were hiccups of course, but we worked through them and of course used the better money to buy in help of all kinds. I consider my dh a 5star dad and I haven't done too badly in the mum stakes, we both have worked incredibly hard in all areas of our lives but count ourselves very fortunate as many people have to work this hard in miserable jobs and poverty too.
Marriage isn't a PLAN. It is a partnership in which you love and support each other. Sometimes it can feel all one way, but that's OK as it can be all the other way later. Being a parent can be achieved in many different ways, and can and will change over time.
How will it feel to have a sad and resentful daddy around all the time, versus a proud, happy fulfilled and appreciative daddy around some of the time?
I do think you can make it work, but you need to be doing it because you love him and want him to be happy and feel good about himself, not as a mouldering resentment you hold against him forever. That has nothing to do with love.

Yanbu

How can it be good for either parent to be away from their family for so long?

I work 4 days and dh 5. We work long hours at times but careful to juggle it so we don't spend time away.

I've always avoided travelling as much as possible and luckily dh doesn't have to in this job.

I know a mother who has recently taken a job which means a lot of international travel. Her dh has to pick up the slack (he works in a stressful professional job so the DCs are basically in childcare a lot). I feel sorry for her children because while it is good for her career long term, what about her children now?

I am at a cross roads at the moment where I could invest more time in my career and go far. (I've been told this, I'm not boasting), but I worry for my DCs. I can't put parenting on hold until they're older.

It's a tough one but people need to go into it with their eyes open and it sounds like your partner just didn't even consider the impact on you, your baby and his ability to be a decent presents father. That's the thing which would piss me right off.