He shouldn't take the job and be a father instead?

[user1466488499]

We had our first child DS1 7 weeks ago. We're both adjusting to parenthood and the challenges it brings! We both have good London city jobs and are comfortable.
DH has just been offered a new job which is significantly higher in pay than his current one - he didn't apply, he was approached by the firm directly. Problem is the new job will involve lots of international travel and longer working hours in the week and weekends. DH is excited about the job but I would rather he is around to parent our child and be there for him. I will do most of the child raising and DH will only see DS at weekends. This isn't what I intended when we got married and when I got pregnant. I want two parents raising our son not just me. We are comfortable as we are, not loaded, but we are doing fine.
AIBU for being annoyed he is putting his own personal agenda and career ahead of being a dad? How much money is enough? Is it wrong of me to expect my husband to actively participate in being a father and not just do it at weekends? As said above, we both have good steady jobs making good money. I am tearing my hair out and massively annoyed that he now wants to get ahead and go for this job rather than be around for our son...

If he has been headhunted, he is in a good position to talk about terms. First off he really needs to understand the expectations of the job (travel every week? Mon-Fri? Once a month overnight?) and what is possible with regards to working from home and TOIL.

Neither of you are being U, but you would be if you didn't at least explore the offer, even if you both agree that the timing and circumstances aren't right.

A thousand times yes to the comment from IfNotNowThenWhenever

LaContessa "I second whoever said that the extra money/earning potential will come in very handy. "

but will it cancel out nanny costs? OP has to be able to carry on her career too. I notice the OP says they already make good money and asks "how much is enough" - so maybe it will but if the money coming in is that good, then what's this all about really?

It's a tough one OP but repeating myself - I do agree with the baby not much caring who is around but please please don't lose or damage your career over this.

He has had 18 years to work on his career. He wasn't even looking to advance, they came to him.
Which suggests that a) his skills are and will continue to be valuable, and b) that he is and will be in a position to step up his career at a later date if he wants to.
I remember being a single parent to a 7 week old. It's bloody hard. Not that OP will be exactly like a single parent, but at this stage she needs him around.

I'm with you OP.

Firstly, it can be hell looking after a baby/a toddler and a baby (if you go down that route) without any support or help. And even worse should your baby be one who screams all day and all night. It nearly sent me over the edge.

Secondly, things will change- maternity leave might be fine, but what if you then go back to work? And then what about when your baby starts school? There are days when the child will be sick or the school boiler breaks down. Inset days. School holidays etc. How will you deal with all these, especially if you DH has a long hours, many trips job? Will you be the one who is expected to take time off work to cover these.

I think it's a joint decision and if you won't be happy with how his new job leaves you, then he should turn it down.

My DH worked away from home during the week for almost three years. I worked full time and we had two children. I managed the time without him just fine and we are the better off for his sacrifice and his missing out on things like first days of school, pageants, sports, etc.

He was always a hands on dad, even if those hands were only available three days a week. A lot will depend on whether he's going to be the type to give you a break on the weekends (or whenever his days off will be).

taking this job requires you to make huge fucking sacrifices "for the family", i.e. for your DH to not have to behave like he has one.

But it doesn't necessarily, does it? That is not the only alternative. If OP was planning on going back to work, presumably they were looking at something like a nanny anyway unless she plans to go part time and use nurseries and childminders. Having the extra money will mean no-one is necessarily making sacrifices.

My Ex worked long hours and overseas. He's an ex because of infidelity not the job.

Questions that you need to ask/answer

• would he do this job for 18 years? Personally I would put up with 2 or 3 years but my experience is that the older that children get, the more they need their parents and that when very young, you can get excellent childcare.
• would he wind down his job if you were offered the opportunity?
• is the job overseas because the company is foreign? (Ex was travelling to HQ weekly.) could a similar opportunity be available in London without the travel with a U.K. chased company?
• Is the travel a necessary part of the job or is travelling part of the company culture?
• Assuming he doesn't take the job, how would he see his role as father in 6 months? 5 years? How would this change if he does take the job?
• What practical help does he think you'd need if he takes the job? Does he know how much they'd cost? Will you need a bigger house and new car if you hire a live in nanny?
• how does he think taking the job will effect his relationship with you? He will be effectively single during the week and wanting to sleep off hangovers or jet lagged at weekends.
• How does he think your career will be affected by him taking the job?

Which suggests that a) his skills are and will continue to be valuable, and b) that he is and will be in a position to step up his career at a later date if he wants to.

I think it would be extremely unwise to make assumptions like this in the current climate and with Brexit looming.

Why would they want him travelling weekly rather than hiring a local or paying him to relocate completely? If the job is short term and you're planning on a 12 month maternity leave, it might help maintain family life?

Whatever you do be clear that your career needs to be supported when you go back. I've had 3 kids over 5 years and my career has taken a shit kicking. I am resilient and it's been tough at certain points.

If your DH is away and you have astronomical childcare expenses that is on him and should not be pegged against your income. I would be getting him to see the bigger picture so he can negotiate for a family friendly schedule. If they can't give him a suitable schedule that you are both happy with then no he shouldn't take the job. Other opportunities will come along.

my experience is that the older that children get, the more they need their parents - I agree wholeheartedly with this.

As for the money, I worked for less than the nursery money for 2 years; I had then built up enough time in post that they let me work PT (school hours) which really helps now. Plus even if your DH isn't in the new job very long, he will be in a better bargaining position for his next (negotiated as more family-friendly) one.

I personally would be actively encouraging him to accept.
But appreciate we are all different.

Is this thread another 'OP grenade'?

Just reread your original post OP and I do think the line

We're both adjusting to parenthood and the challenges it brings! is how you feel rather than both of you. Your husband plans to pursue his life and ambitions in the same way as before you had your baby. Unfortunately so many men want to be a parent but few seem to realise or be prepared to make the sacrifices that are needed. Life is no longer about him achieving his goals, it's now about his family i.e. you and the baby and making decisions that work for all of you.

DP worked away weekdays and came home weekends for the first year of our second DC's life.

For us it was financial necessity.

It was tough and we managed but it's not what I'd choose.

I wouldn't do it again unless we had to or it was for a very limited time.

YANBU.

Dh is a workaholic always working working working for a 'better life' for us in the future.

I wish he would just fucking live in the present and enjoy the DC while they are young. He also wonders why the DC are much much closer to me than him

How soon might this happen? Dealing with a newborn while your husband trots off round the world with his new exciting job was not the deal and it will breed resentment.

What will happen when you go back to work? If he can't commit to drop offs or pick ups, yes, you could get a nanny, then you will always be the one dealing with the nanny.

You can delegate the housework, but not all of it unless you get a housekeeper. The washing has to be done somehow, and the cooking. You can't delegate organising family life, shopping, dealing with nursery/pre-school/school/ clubs/ activities etc. and if he works long hours and weekends, this will ALL fall to you.

What about your relationship? Why did he get married to spend all his time working?

If this job happens, your life will be the one changing, and not for the better.

YANBU to be furious.

But OurBlanche if he takes the job despite the impact on OP, then that is exactly what he is saying. But he hasn't taken it... as far as we know.

Many posters are assuming he will do, without any discussion. That isn't in the OP or her follow up pots. All we know is that he has been offered and she is now furious at all the things she is imagining will happen.

The only sensible advice to give her is to have a sensible and calm conversation so they can discuss the pros and cons of the offer.

Much else is catastrophising and of little positive help to a woman who is probably as anxious as hell and seems not to have had that conversation yet!

By my earlier comment about the older that children are, the more they need you I was meaning that from the baby's POV, it's better that daddy does this now (for the short term) than when he's older. From your POV you obviously need him now and when he's older so it's kind of moot. It depends how important the travelling is to his job progression.

but the whole point of the OP asking is she wants to feel she is being fair before she begins the conversation.

I thought it was very clear from the OP that she is returning to her job, they have enough money, they were planning to parent equally. So I do understand if her approach is "I will be really furious if you take this job".

OP I'm also wondering when you planned to return to work - I would guess at very soon?

I am tearing my hair out and massively annoyed that he now wants to get ahead and go for this job rather than be around for our son...

Sounds like the decision is close to being made, hence the OP at the end of her tether.

I cannot believe this thread! All those piling in to say you're no less of a parent if you're only there at weekends - WTF? You're also spectacularly missing the point - OP has her OWN career, why should she be suddenly responsible for most of the childcare? I'd be RAGING if this was me.

Also OP, please remember that the posters saying this is OK will almost unilaterally be in this situation themselves and possibly in denial...