He shouldn't take the job and be a father instead?

[user1466488499]

We had our first child DS1 7 weeks ago. We're both adjusting to parenthood and the challenges it brings! We both have good London city jobs and are comfortable.
DH has just been offered a new job which is significantly higher in pay than his current one - he didn't apply, he was approached by the firm directly. Problem is the new job will involve lots of international travel and longer working hours in the week and weekends. DH is excited about the job but I would rather he is around to parent our child and be there for him. I will do most of the child raising and DH will only see DS at weekends. This isn't what I intended when we got married and when I got pregnant. I want two parents raising our son not just me. We are comfortable as we are, not loaded, but we are doing fine.
AIBU for being annoyed he is putting his own personal agenda and career ahead of being a dad? How much money is enough? Is it wrong of me to expect my husband to actively participate in being a father and not just do it at weekends? As said above, we both have good steady jobs making good money. I am tearing my hair out and massively annoyed that he now wants to get ahead and go for this job rather than be around for our son...

OP has her OWN career, why should she be suddenly responsible for most of the childcare?

To me there seems to be an underlying assumption that the OP will cut back on her job or at least one way or another take on the lion's share of the day to day parenting of their child.

Hedgehog - "OP has her OWN career, why should she be suddenly responsible for most of the childcare? I'd be RAGING if this was me."

precisely. the nanny thing is an option but i thought it was pretty clear from the OP that they discussed properly equal parenting which can't be done if someone is working late days, weekends and travelling a lot. It doesn't make anyone a bad parent - in that case I know quite a few! - it just wasn't what they agreed when they had a child.

Agree with Steve

Ok for someone to be ambitious/earn family more money.

Not okay to do something that means the other person is all of a sudden the go-to for all childcare related incidents for the foreseeable future (past maternity leave). I feel it would be less of an issue if this was after mat leave and OP was back in her job so they were both in career mode. At the moment, he's been approached, but it could feel like he's forging ahead while she can't even if she wanted to.

This is something you need to agree together OP however it's entirely possible to be a great Dad even if you away a lot.

My DH has always worked long hours, logging in at home in the evenings and at weekends but then so do I, we juggle family life around the needs of our jobs quite happily.

A few years ago he got a promotion which meant hugely increased foreign travel (eg 2-3 weeks in eg Asia, rather than 2 days in Eg France every month). His employer said you need to get your wife on board before you sign up for this and set out quite explicitly how often he was likely to be away etc.

It's been a brilliant career opportunity for him and he really enjoys his job. The seniority has led to increased flexibility too.

So yes, he is away a lot, but when he is home he can work from home, be flexible about his hours and take time off for things like Sports Day much more easily.

He facetimes with the kids every evening he can (depending on the time difference) and usually calls me first thing for a quick chat.

He really makes the most of the time he is home with the kids and is very hands on. He takes them for outings and camping trips and makes time for school projects etc etc.

Now yes, this lifestyle requires me to keep everything going but at home but just because he's away doesn't mean he can't pay bills or organise stuff. When he's not at home the kids and I just slip into a slightly different routine.

It might not work for you OP, but there are pros as well as cons. It's probably worth sitting down with your DH and working out the pros and cons explicitly and seeing if you can manage them/plan around them.

I don't think its an either or situation. I know of one family whose dad has a job similar to the one you describe his wife had a similar career they decided though he had greater earning potential and this enabled her to be a sahm which suited them. My DH has occasssional overseas trips and overnight trips every couple of weeks. Both are fantastic dads, do more than their fair share when around. Do you envisage going back to work full time? How is childcare going to work? Have you got support? Will your view change if you have more Dcs. Will your DH resent not being allowed to take the job? In your shoes j would say it's worth a discussion this job could give your family opportunities.

It doesn't even occur to him it's important to be a decent father who is around his child. I'm furious

I can see your point, but I think it is unfair to say he can't be a decent father because he has a hard job.

What about the children of say surgeons for example. People, dont sick at convenient times. Weekends, nights, on call, emergency surgery, etc. They may spend alot of time away from the home, men and women is such jobs. It is ridiculous to suggest they can't be "decent" parents.

dimots

I compared the situation to forces families re still being a decent parent with time away not anything to do with OP being left now.

YANBU. You are both parents with equal responsibility. If you don't want to be on your own during the week then he cannot take the job. It is not your role to do more of the childcare and allow him to pursue his own career at what will almost inevitably be the expense of yours. This is a very important joint decision. He is trying to change your roles so that you effectively have more responsibility. I bet that if the situations were reversed he would not be happy for you to take a similar role.

It's not OK unless you are completely happy with the new situation.

it depends.
what does long hours/international travel/weekends really mean?
what were your intentions re childcare?
what is the career progression?
if you are both in the city now and planning to continue you are realistically looking at spending limited time with the child going forward so how much additional time is this taking away? does it give you more options in terms of work life balance now? give options to change careers later to improve work life benefit.
I had the long hours job/international travel etc and I don't think it made/makes me a bad mother - all my time outside of work was devoted to DS and i was able to work flexibly a lot -

I cant believe how many people are saying the extra money will give them options. The OP has stated they both have decent careers and a good income. Where's the OP's option to progress in her career when she goes back to work ? I assume OP went into her pregnancy assuming they would parent equally, it seems unfair that her partner wants to change that completely.
I think it's difficult enough to adjust to being a first time parent, without being by yourself most of the time (I do realise that loads of single parents have no choice). If there are two of you around, you can still manage a social life during the week, or gym visits, evening class etc, whilst the other parent does childcare. If you need to pay for a babysitter, you probably wont bother.

I say all this as someone whose partner has worked abroad, during the week for most of the last 10 years, from when my youngest was 4. We made the decision as a family & it's worked OK for us. Although I was already only working part-time term time, I'm not sure I could have coped if I worked full-time in a career job.
The only bit YABU about is not being making him a bad father. My dp is a brilliant father and is very close to our children. He would talk to us at least 3 times a day, which is probably more than a lot of children talk to their dads when they are working long hours. He also got to work from home some Fridays, so he would do the school runs then.

What if the situation were reversed and it was you that had been offered the job? I don't imagine it would go down well and your DH would be called controlling and if he even hinted you would be less of.a mother, you would be told to LTB.

Yanbu. At all. Ask him how he'd feel if you did that. Unless it was understood before conception that this was in the realm of possibility Yanbu.

And speaking of resentment, what about resentment on OP's part? When ds was a baby dh got a very good job that involved travel. I had absolutely no family or friend support bringing up ds and it was bloody hard. However I rose above it because it was a good opportunity for him. What I cannot forget is that he signed up for a class (non work related at all) during that time as well. I seethed every week because at least once a week he wouldn't see ds from Sunday night until Tuesday night for this class, this on top of a lot of traveling. This was 15 years ago! Bitter much? Yes thank you I am!

DH often works away and has done since Pre-DC. Yes, it can be tough going especially given I have a stressful FT job myself which also includes some late nights and DS2 with ASD & MLD.

We have far more quality time in between trips away than we ever do when he's home and working locally 7-6 (the extra money is also a lovely bonus!)

Also for the record my own dh gets sought out for jobs All the time, in some professions it is extremely common.

I'm ambitious and couldn't be with someone who stifled me. He's still your sons father and IMO ambition and financial success at work is good for a family. As long as he's still hands on at home I think you are hugely unreasonable to try and stop him progressing in his career.

welcome to the patriarchy

Surely as you both work in the city, your commute won't see you home before 6/7 anyway, meaning neither of you will be having dinner with DC anyway?!

Both DP and I are home every night but by the time we get in its bath and bed for the little one. Will be the same for DC3 when it arrives.

We then spend quality time doing stuff together at the weekends.

If this promotion is a good move for your family in terms of future prospects I wouldn't write it off for the sake of 30 mins with your son after work when he's already tired and cranky.

Have you got support?

Er...her husband?

Oh, no, wait...he will be out there beating his chest and bringing home the bacon. Better can your network of women-Mum, MIL, aunts...a man with a career can't be expected to do it.

Fuelling the fury? Maybe. .but honestly, some women accept their lot as secondary so damn easily it scares me.
And whoever said if the situations were reversed he would be considered controlling to tell her he didn't want her to take the job? I wouldn't say that. I would say that if they both went into parenthood with the understanding they would share parenting, then she shouldn't take the job.
Almost all women's careers get shafted to some degree when they have dc.
Mine disappeared completely, because as a lone parent I couldn't do the hours nessecary.
I'm NOT bitter about that. Thems the breaks when you sign up to babies.
But I would be bitter had I had a partner who thought his career took precedence.

• call your network

YANBU to feel upset or feel that he is choosing his career over your son. However, this isn't an either or situation.

Working long hours or being away lots does not make him a bad father. DH works very long hours and I'm essentially a single parent on weekdays. Some weekends he even has to work from home. Does that mean he didn't care about our DD? Of course not! When he's around he gives DD his full attention and he always texts me throughout the day to ask after her.

I think you should discuss it further with your DH. Talk about your reservations and concerns and listen to his opinion as well. 18 years in the same job is a very long time and he might really want a change which could lead to better prospects and a happier working life.

So this thread is really itching my tits.

This is not a gender issue.

The OP has a vision of life she wants to dictate to her OH.

Imagine a reverse thread on this.....

My Dh has turned down headhunting approaches since we had ds (now 3) because he wants to do bedtime half the week and I need him to do half so that I can have 2-3 opportunities a week to travel or stay late for my work.
I would not be interested in a family set up where I did all Monday to Friday childcare.
I do most nursery runs and I only work four days so I am the "second earner" in our family but my career and business is still important.

Err Gingerbread what about the fact that her DH is stifling her?? How is she supposed to carry on with her career if she suddenly becomes the go-to person for all child-related stuff? And what if she doesn't want to do it all by herself whilst her husband is off having a marvelous career/life?

Just to add it's an entitled attitude I've seen a lot that as a "new mum" I get to dictate everything.

It's a baby - lots of us have them.

Eats someone has to look after the child. If her DH is off around the world it cannot practically be him so it is left to the OP to do the lions share of the parenting. She did not sign up for that. She signed up for a more equal parenting set up.