He shouldn't take the job and be a father instead?

[user1466488499]

We had our first child DS1 7 weeks ago. We're both adjusting to parenthood and the challenges it brings! We both have good London city jobs and are comfortable.
DH has just been offered a new job which is significantly higher in pay than his current one - he didn't apply, he was approached by the firm directly. Problem is the new job will involve lots of international travel and longer working hours in the week and weekends. DH is excited about the job but I would rather he is around to parent our child and be there for him. I will do most of the child raising and DH will only see DS at weekends. This isn't what I intended when we got married and when I got pregnant. I want two parents raising our son not just me. We are comfortable as we are, not loaded, but we are doing fine.
AIBU for being annoyed he is putting his own personal agenda and career ahead of being a dad? How much money is enough? Is it wrong of me to expect my husband to actively participate in being a father and not just do it at weekends? As said above, we both have good steady jobs making good money. I am tearing my hair out and massively annoyed that he now wants to get ahead and go for this job rather than be around for our son...

I'm a bit conflicted about this because I can see how, after 18 years in one job, he really needs to take this offer very seriously otherwise his career will stagnate or even nosedive. His quality of life is also something that is reasonable to take into account. So far as sacrifices from you are concerned, any decisions will need to factor in using his extra earnings for help for you. I think you also need to talk through ways that this could be made to work, including perhaps reduced international travel for the first year or so or negotiating extra time off in lieu if he's away or working at weekends.

My husband took a job like that and it eventually ended our marriage. He spent so much time away with colleagues he met someone else at work who wasn't always run ragged trying to do everything and so was better company. So he went off with her instead. Comparing it to forces families isn't helpful, as usually both parties knew what the deal was before they had children. In any case forces families do have high levels of marriage breakdown. This is a case of him moving the goal posts after you've had children. I wouldn't be happy about it either.

Neither of you are bu. If my DH were offered this job, I would be on board with it. I'm chronically ill btw so it would be a hell of a job to look after DD and the dog. 18 years can feel rather stale I'm sure. He may not do this job forever and if he's that popular having been headhunted, odds on he'll be able to find another job if it's too hard on the family.

Oh and the kids don't get 'quality time's with someone who is always jet lagged or away at the weekend. It is not a suitable job for a parent with young children, especially if the other parent is not enthusiastic.

The thing is that when the OP goes back to work, she'll have to do absolutely everything. He'll be living the life of a single person half of the week - I can see how marriages break down with infidelity and resentment.

I agree it's not clear cut.

I think you have to look at what the money could bring your family. Not flash cars and holidays but more things like passingthrough has mentioned - the option to stay in/near London, buy a larger place, move to a good catchment or pay for private school, have a nanny rather than nursery, go part time if you wanted to, etc.

Are these things valuable to you? Are they things you could only afford with the higher pay of the new job?

If they are then you need to work out which is more valuable - more time from DH or the money.

(If they are not valuable to you, or if you can already afford these things on current earnings, then YANBU. But you'd need to see if DH agrees they are not important/already affordable - he may disagree)

One question: can you actually manage to do your job if you have to do all the drop offs and pick ups (or nanny handovers) every day?

I think you are being far too black and white about this.

Doing a difficult job with travel doesn't automatically make you a shit parent. I'd be pretty cross with that accusation if anyone had made it of me.

Who knows what this opportunity could lead to in the future? It sounds to me like you are blackmailing him to remain in a job he's bored doing and not progress his career. It might just end up him serving the divorce papers if you intend to stifle him into conforming to your vision solely of what family life means. That's not a partnership - it's a dictatorship.

Upshot is change is inevitable and I think you need to be more flexible and willing to compromise.

Perhaps he turns down this job but you support him looking for another that allows him to move forward in his career? Alternatively he takes this role and you agree to assess how it's working after 12 months?

Both myself and DH have demanding roles with lots of international travel and have done so from when the kids were babies.

The kids have survived and now as teenagers don't hate us any more or less than their pals hate their parents who have never been away .

It's different to what you expected of course - but that doesn't mean it can't work out or that your DH is a bad father.

I agree with you, and I wouldn't be happy. Of course people it work, but I wouldn't want to.

Surely, if he has been 'headhunted' it means he has valuable skills and experience to offer - valuable to other companies, not just this one. Are there jobs around in his industry? Could this be the catalyst for him looking for a new and possibly better paid job, just one which would be compatible with family life?

What industry does he work in? How will turning down this opportunity likely be viewed?

At this point in your marriage this is very much about YOU. If he takes this job now, then it could very easily mean that you will end up doing the bulk of the childcare/nursery picks/just generally being there for the children. If this is not what you want, then you need to sit down and talk to him now and agree how you want your life to be for the next 10-15 years. If you want to parent equally, then you need to come to an agreement on this now. Good on you for seeing how this job would affect you all, you are in a position now to stop big problems happening in your relationship in the future.

Another question - is this his only alternative or could there be other great opportunities out there?

We had a 2yo and a newborn and DH was headhunted for a position which had similar benefits and drawbacks to what you describe. He was considering it and the offer led him to sniff around the job market a bit. He quite quickly found there was another job on offer which was equally well paid but would be London based, relatively little travel. He took that one !

Make sure he has fully considered the realities of what his new role will mean for your role at work. Very likely that your career will stagnate while his advances. This may be something you're happy to accept if you'd like to work p-t or stay at home.

There's more to life than money. So long as you have enough to live on comfortably.

Your DS won't be little forever - YANBU OP.

If you go into any conversation being furious and telling him it's either the job or being a dad you are going to get handed your arse in a sling - and I doubt anyone would fault him for reacting very, very badly to that attitude!

You really do need to change pronouns This isn't what I intended when we got married and when I got pregnant. I want two parents raising our son not just me Thinking like that will only make you, and your DH, feel combative, as though decisions cannot be mutual, lose the 'I' and gain a 'we' in your own head as well as out loud. Otherwise it sounds as though you think there must be a winner - and therefore a loser.

There has to be some give and take. You say he has had the same job for 18 years and has been head hunted... then his future job development and satisfaction depend on him making the right choice, right now. That is not something he had any control over, it just happened.

You need to see that for what it is. An unexpected opportunity that your DH has every right to be excited over and to have ideas contrary to ours. The timing may be shite, from your perspective, but from his it is probably a no brainer, he can earn more to spport his new family - just like most men are taught they have to!

You both need to take a step back, have a proper, calm, 2-way conversation about the pros and cons of the whole situation. But, as I said, don't even think about going in all guns blazing, setting ultimatums, as your previous posts sugest you are currently feeling. That way lies tears and tantrums.

Good luck.

With you. Hubby travelling will mean you are alone day in and out with baby. Its unfair - many couples do this but both partners buy in is required. You are not in for it and he has to see that.

My DH was away an awful lot when the kids were little. He was still a great father to them. It wasn't always easy, but it stood us in good stead in the long run. As you get older you can't face that amount of travelling any more, and also the older kids/teens value him so much now.

He was asked to go on a high fliers stream at work at one point but turned it down expecting he would be asked again in a few years but then 2008 happened and nothing was ever the same again! I think you need to take opportunities as they come. I also don't ever believe in being a martyr.

We worked together at making it work, which meant as soon as he came home he was pretty much in charge of kids. It was exhausting for him, but it was the best way for him not to lose touch with how to look after them.

If you've both got good jobs, and he's getting a better one, you can use some of the extra cash to cover domestic tasks so you can concentrate on kids and not on washing floors.

This:
taking this job requires you to make huge fucking sacrifices "for the family", i.e. for your DH to not have to behave like he has one.

That's the point really. Not whether you will all have more ready cash as a family, or whether his job is getting stale and he needs to move one, but that he has just had a baby, and then said "hey, look, I am being offered this fab new job. You'll be ok working and looking after the kids on your own through the week, yeah?"
All of a sudden wife has to fit everything in her life round her husbands schedule, and that's just the start.

There is always this idea (and I never really realised how prevelant this is until MN) that mens jobs are somehow more important than women's, and it's necessary for ther wives to step back so they can be supported through their careers.
The thing is, OP has a goodish job too, by the sounds of it.

I can't imagine what her husband might say if she told him she was off to a new job where she was only home weekends and left him holding the baby on his own all week, in addition to his own, now lesser, job.

And this situation, where we assume that mens jobs mean more, leaves women, years down the line from having the 1st baby, going part time, not progressing up the career ladder, because someone has to be home for the kids, having less and less financial security in the event of a split etc etc ad infinitum.

I'm sure the husband does need a career boost, but frankly, he has chosen to stay put for 18 years? Maybe he should have thought to step up the career earlier?
Now is not the time.

As a parent who is frequently managing 2 small kids and PT job with a DH who isn't around so much... Not away as often as your DH would be... Be prepared for a lonely old slog at times. Especially when there's no-one to pick up the slack when child is ill (& your boss doesn't care) when you are ill (yep, bitter!!) or you're pregnant again... Chicken pox and all the other illnesses can go on seemingly forever. Guess who is doing all the cover...?

All this breeds a lot of resentment. As you may be able to tell...!

And I say that with the benefit of the money, plus family and friends support. When you close the front door it's just you and the kids. It really depends on your personal resilience... Some women are great at doing everything & some women have to because they're single parents.

I totally understand his delight... But unless he's going to commit to drop offs / pick up times a few times a week or working from home regularly it could potentially be shit for you when negotiating your own return to work. You are consequently far less likely to be headhunted / promoted etc yourself. Your career is now firmly in the backseat. It will be virtually impossible to return to work full-time without crippling childcare costs putting you off.

Say goodbye to flexible arrangements with regards to seeing friends, fitting in exercise, getting any housework done.

I'm not so sure the baby would suffer as such tbh. Baby still has you!

You need to have a proper rounded discussion about your lives now you have a baby, and you need to both look to the future - he won't be a baby forever, he'll start school and that brings a load of different, particularly logistical difficulties, but also lots of parents actually feel it would be better to be more around when they start school that when they are a baby. You might have more DC.

It is very important for him to realise that if he is away a lot, it will be you who is called on to deal with things like if your DS is sick, or school is closed or whatever, and that could have a negative impact on your career.

Equally, right now while your DS is a baby, could be the better time for him to get as much money in the bank as possible.

Finally, don't underestimate how shitty he could be feeling, doing the same job for 18 years.

There's no poi in coming on MN being 'furious'. There are two sides to this and a conversation is what is needed.

Been there, got the t-shirt. My DH works long hours and is often away. I am SAHM - it's the only way we could make things work (2nd child has disabilities). It is hard and sometimes very lonely. Our children can go days and sometimes weeks without seeing him. However, I would never say that he's not a good dad. You don't stop being a parent when you are away from your child so you do need to rephrase the "I just want him to be a dad" thing. He will always be your child's dad. I'd second really thrashing out how it will effect the practical side of things - will you be responsible for all drop offs and pick ups? How much notice if travel will he get? Can he work from home sometimes?
And I'd agree more money may give you valuable options - for us it's meant we can our child extra support which has made a big, possibly life changing difference to her life.
It needs to be a joint decision - it's going to impact on all three of you.

"hey, look, I am being offered this fab new job. You'll be ok working and looking after the kids on your own through the week, yeah?"

But we have no idea that was anything like what has been said! All we know is that he is excited about the offer.

Posting like that really isn't going to help a woman who already feels 'furious', it just helps stoke her anger and anxiety! Why would anyone want to do that?

Oh and now my travelling husband and I are divorced, I still do everything and he has to pay a fraction of his big shot salary to us. He's much better off and my career is dead in the water - can you feel the bitterness oozing from my posts!

This post hits home in a few areas for me OP.
DH has his own business, we are very comfortable, DH loves being around us, spending as much time with us as possible. Does loads with the kids etc.
By contrast we have family who still live in London, now my DHs idea of hell would be working crazy hours, having to travel loads etc and missing out on time with the kids,sports days etc. In laws have a live in nanny, their mum works 4 days in a very senior city job. Her DH has a very senior city job, very high salary/bonus etc.
Now he isn't around Monday-Friday basically, its just work/travel.
But he is really,really hands on at the weekends. Does all the sports/dance classes/swimming lessons. He cooks, and they do family time with friends etc.
It can work, if you are prepared to make some sacrifices but work even harder in other areas.

You say you're both in City jobs so presumably you're planning to go back to work at least part time. How does he think you're going to manage your own career if he's not around to do any of the parenting during the week? Unless a live in nanny is on the cards, being effectively the solo parent is going to be extremely career limiting for you: no overnight travel, no late nights etc How does he propose to mitigate the effects of this job on your career?

Tell him you've had a similar offer... And you want him to work all week and look after the baby... Bet he wouldn't be so chuffed then!

A full- time nanny in the south-east is about £32k (guestimate). Suddenly - you working looks much less financially attractive... You drop out of work, all the time resenting his free time to go to the gym or to the pub after work every night and missing out on 5/7 of sick mopping, changing the sheets, bedtimes, tantrums, ferrying around, etc.

And you have no one to cuddle up to at night! :(

Meantime, you have no income, depleted pension, you lose 'work' confidence, by the time the children are old enough to fend for themselves you're virtually unemployable and financially vulnerable.

All this is worst case scenario of course but it happens every day.

You could pay much less in childcare costs if you alternated drop- offs and collections so you could both put in longer hours where necessary - if you are both working and commuting on a daily basis, say. Basically - don't underestimate the high costs of childcare when there aren't two people to pick up the slack.