He shouldn't take the job and be a father instead?

[user1466488499]

We had our first child DS1 7 weeks ago. We're both adjusting to parenthood and the challenges it brings! We both have good London city jobs and are comfortable.
DH has just been offered a new job which is significantly higher in pay than his current one - he didn't apply, he was approached by the firm directly. Problem is the new job will involve lots of international travel and longer working hours in the week and weekends. DH is excited about the job but I would rather he is around to parent our child and be there for him. I will do most of the child raising and DH will only see DS at weekends. This isn't what I intended when we got married and when I got pregnant. I want two parents raising our son not just me. We are comfortable as we are, not loaded, but we are doing fine.
AIBU for being annoyed he is putting his own personal agenda and career ahead of being a dad? How much money is enough? Is it wrong of me to expect my husband to actively participate in being a father and not just do it at weekends? As said above, we both have good steady jobs making good money. I am tearing my hair out and massively annoyed that he now wants to get ahead and go for this job rather than be around for our son...

How will it feel to have a sad and resentful daddy around all the time, versus a proud, happy fulfilled and appreciative daddy around some of the time?

But it's fine for the op to be resentful of her career being negatively impacted. She's just a woman after all, so should jump at the chance of being a SAHM.

OP yanbu at all. But there is a worrying disconnect between how you see family life and your dh's vision. You need to talk seriously about how it can work for all of you now. Because resentment on either side will not lead to a happy family life.

I am a nurse and out of the hundreds and hundreds of elderly patients I meet not one has said "I'm glad I was at work all the time" but so many of them say they wish they had spent more time with their wife and children. I have heard such sadness from men who have lost their wife, or even a child and they wish they had had more time with them. Marriages collapse when two people are tired all the time and all you do is niggle at each other. We all need money for a home, food and some spending money - but is it worth sacrificing time everyday with your wife and child for more money. That is the question

Where's the OP?

I'm guessing OP won't come back due to the decent dad comments and feeling bad about what she said?

But honestly, she had a baby 7 weeks ago, hormones flaring, sleep non existent and emmotianally charged. I'm sure she didn't mean it to sound like a general comment and more an outburst to her situation. I hope she feels she can come back and that most of us understand what it's like.

YANBU but at the same this is the way the working parent world works. I work 6 days out of 7, 5 in a school, 3 in a community centre. I work during the day mon-fri and evenings sun-tues to make ends meet. My DH works Mon-Sat. DS goes to his grandparents on a sunday as this is the only day they can see him due to working arrangements they have. He sleeps out 3 nights days out of 7. My DH sees him sat afternoon/night and during the day Sunday.
There is nothing more I'd love than for my husband to arrive home before 6pm to hear our son read his new reading book, or to attend a parents meeting at school, or to be waiting at a school gate for him but at the same time, we cherish every minute of the weekend we have together. We're comfortable, not skint and not well off but without the working hours we put in, we'd be skint.

I don't believe I am any less of a mother or my husband any less of a father because we have to work and make choices that sacrifice some things.

My husband often speaks of the wage he used to have when he worked away, and has asked if I'd mind if he was offered a job like that again, meaning we'd have triple the income he has now, could probably afford another child and for me to drop some hours at work to care for both children. I wouldn't hold my DH back from a good job propsect using my son as an excuse and claiming he is less of a father, but thats just me.

if he's being head hunted and didn't apply, he could possibly explain the situation at home, young baby, partners worried etc etc and they will work to get him there, I was in the same position once, and the company pulled out all the stops to get me to move to them, and that included them buying me a car. if you don't ask you don't get, like my old nan used to say

sit down and speak to him and voice your concerns, if he behaves like a child over it and throws a tantrum then maybe you should consider going back to work and leaving hm at home. extra money for a nice holiday, private schools etc may be worth it in the long run.

get him to speak to the company, he doesn't have to go on their terms, they want him, it should be on his terms

I know what you mean, it's considerably more stress parenting in your own & its nice to have someone to share the cool things with & you'll be missing some shared memories you assumed you'd have. I'd make sure the extra money be used to take the pressure off you where it can be, like paying for a cleaner once or twice a week or getting laundry outsourced. You'd also need a spa break every now & again for r&r. It might be that with the extra money now & in the future that you can do more fun & memorable things together? Are his holidays any better? Could make the most of that before school starts (I know that seems a long way off but it comes quicker than you think. Personally I'd take a dad at home more over the money tho so can see where you're coming from

At 7 weeks old, your baby will barely notice whether it's Dad is around or not. At 7 months old, or 7 years, different matter entirely.

You write that you work, therefore you don't see much of baby either if it's in childcare several hours a day. So somebody other than Mum and Dad is raising it anyway for part of the time.

If my partner demanded I didn't take on a new career opportunity because they were worried they couldn't cope with looking after a newborn by themselves, I'd just try and reach a compromise.

I think YANU a father is a father no matter what hours he works. It's about making good the time he has with the family count.

If it was me I would worry but if you don't allow your husband to take this roll he might never get this opportunity again which could cause problems down the line for you as a family. You must make a choice yoy can feel happy about but so does he.

I think you are being very selfish and unreasonable. Having a child does not mean everything has to stand still. He should take the role. The extra money will give you flexibility to have help with child care if needed.

I wonder if you are a little 'jealous' that he has this opportunity and not you? I'm not being horrible, I would be a bit in your position.

Depends : a lot of working parents get back late after the baby is in bed so only see them on weekends anyway. Usually only one parent would do this & he'd have quality weekend time.
How much help would you need in the week? Do you have family around that could step in during a crisis if your DH wasn't around?
what happens when you go back to work after mat leave? Assume your DD will be in nursery.
Does the promotion mean he'll get more ahead in his career? It's good to squirrel some money away when you can as children are even more expensive when they get older!

Childcare isn't a magic pill that takes away all the extra pressures only having one parent in the country produces. I love how the OP is selfish for not wanting him to take it, but he isn't selfish for expecting her to take on his share of parenting responsibilities and limit her own career to allow him to progress.

I love how the OP is selfish for not wanting him to take it, but he isn't selfish for expecting her to take on his share of parenting responsibilities and limit her own career to allow him to progress.

It's because some people on AIBU just post nonsense to wind people up. Adding 'very selfish' to yabvu leads me to ignore the post tbh.

From my experience, the boys barely registered they had a father until they were around 4-5. Then they really wanted his time and not mine.

DD is 15 weeks. DH drives off on Sunday/ early hours Monday and returns on Friday. 266 miles each way. When I need him, he is home. We use technology to video call every night - all night - so DD hears and sees Daddy every day
If you want to make it work, you will

I guess it depends on how it affects your job too. Does it mean you will have to do less hours and be around in the day more for your children? Does it mean you'll have to be the one on call when there's a problem ay school/nursery? These are questions I'd want to cover. Money isn't everything.

I think you are probably in the worst possible time frame to judge with your LO so tiny.

At this point you probably don't know with any certainty if you want to/can return to work yourself. This job appears to give you the choice to stay home or reduce your hours without any drop in lifestyle which is not your situation currently.

Frankly many Mums who think they want to go back to work discover they simply don't want to and would give their eye teeth to be in a position not to, others are chomping at the bit for some non baby centred company .....but realistically most mothers aren't so in love with their careers that given free choice they wouldn't at least reduce their working week to spend more time with their child.

Maternity leave is lovely, working a full day then trying to fit in quality time with your child and cook and do housework in the evenings becomes a grind very quickly. There's not much couple time available. In contrast if you weren't working you'd not be knackered all the time and you'd have lots of time with your child and plenty of parenting time together to enjoy rather than be spending that time catching up on household chores neither of you had the time or energy for in the week.

It's probably worth discussing how you see the different scenarios and which ones would work best for you all. Both in the fairly short term and in the long term eg in terms of private v state schools and location if you will want something bigger the affordability etc.

YABVU!!

DH and I both have careers like this. We also both parent our DC. DH has been travelling for most of the past 2 weeks which has put me under a bit of pressure but he has spent all morning with our DC playing lego, car washing and now they are off horse riding. Later we will go and visit family together and tomorrow we have an activity at school. That is proper active parenting as a family unit and I would far prefer to have quality family time over quantity and for DH and I to also be fulfilled in our professional lives.

It doesn't even occur to him it's important to be a decent father who is around his child. This is such a fucking shitty thing to say on so many levels. How dare you judge those of us who work long hours in successful careers. Whether or not your DH is a decent father depends on far more than whether or not he takes this job.

You need to be careful what you wish for. If you force him not to take the job you run the risk of wrecking your marriage and then you'll be a single parent anyway.

Imnotchanging you must be earning bucket loads of money to afford the overnight nanny required for when you both have trips away at the same time.
Do you think your scenario is common, or is it far more the norm that one spouse facilitates the intense career with a subsidiary one of their own?

It may be possible that if he speaks to his work about being a new father they could put a slight delay on it or due to the international travel allow him to have limited time in the office, work from home etc when he is in the UK. Businesses are very flexible now.
I don't think turning down a promotion would be good for his career and your financial future as a family. There are still lots of redundancies happening all over the country. Not stepping into this role may have a negative impact on the way he is seen within the company and his future job prospects.
I understand the sacrifice on your part as I have a husband who in various roles has travelled a lot. It isn't easy but it is something we have had to do.
I would be happy and proud of him, and discuss how it can be made to work.

Iggi999 that may be so, but it's not really the point I am making. The point is that good parenting is about spending quality time with the children and not simply being around them all the time.

OP it needs a proper discussion about the impact on your shared responsibilities of child rearing. I'm not surprised you are furious.

I'm also not surprised that studies show men work harder post birth of their children. Work is easier. Woman on maternity leave facilitating the household grind.

Childcare. Drop offs. Pick ups. Domestic tasks. Sick child. Sick parent at home alone with child. How does he propose these happen? How does he impact on your career by doing this job? Parent evenings. Child extra curricular. How do you manage to do anything not child related in your non-work time when there is no other parent there to be with your child?

Dp has this type of job, he got it when eldest was 3 months, she is now 16. We had Ds 18 months later. I find it is far easier to parent my 2 alone during the week/weekends he is away than when he comes home from work at 7.30pm especially when they were younger and disrupted the bedtime routine.

I never considered that dp should be around everyday to parent his children than take a promotion. Have to say it never crossed my mind.

Eggyface's post is on point imo