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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that it's my labour and not our labour?

150 replies

GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 19:18

I'm due to have our first child shortly and have been nagged by several midwives to write down some sort of birth plan.

I wrote said plan today (bullet points, less than one page) and shared it electronically with my husband in case he had anything he wanted to add. I then at some point referred to it as "my labour list" and he said it was also his labour list. I pointed out that I would be in labour and not him, therefore it was about "my labour for the birth of our child" and therefore I get final approval of it as it will be me doing the hard work. He said that it would be hard work for him too.

He now appears to not be speaking to me. I do have a (small) degree of autism but surely it's my labour list as I will be in labour? Am I right or is it his labour as well?

OP posts:
IcedVanillaLatte · 13/09/2016 19:19

His labour???!

Arf.

Caken · 13/09/2016 19:20

YANBU. It's your labour, not his.

Lilaclily · 13/09/2016 19:21

Well I think you're right but does it really Matter? You're lucky to have someone who takes such an interest, if this is such an issue what will you both be like with a newborn
Be kind to each other, it's a stressful time for you both

RaeSkywalker · 13/09/2016 19:21

Of course YANBU. It's even worse than saying "we're pregnant".

justilou · 13/09/2016 19:21

If he wants to take over and give birth, it's his labour.... Otherwise it's all yours. Did he say "We're pregnant!" as well? Barf!!!

JenLindleyShitMom · 13/09/2016 19:21

Which part of the labour will he be performing? Could i suggest the crowning part?

XinnaJane · 13/09/2016 19:21

Oh dear. The main thing he needs to know about labour is that it is in no way about him. His role is to be calm, kind and completely unobtrusive. Good thing you've got a bit of time to spell it out to him. Don't forget- you are the patient.

SlightlyperturbedOwl · 13/09/2016 19:22

YANBU. When he pushes a baby out through his vagina then he can call the shots! hope it all goes well, It probably won't be anything like your birth plan in the end anyway so being laid back about it is definitely the best plan. Flowers

formerbabe · 13/09/2016 19:22

Yanbu! This is one time when it's all about you...and the baby of course!

ApollO88 · 13/09/2016 19:22

I can top that. In labour all day and night. Had ds at 5.48 in the morning. We get into the ward and I'm just settling down to snuggle and "rest" and he gets up and states he's going home for some sleep because it's been such a long night and he's tired.... Hmm

PeachBellini123 · 13/09/2016 19:23

I don't think it's that bad to be honest. At least he wants to be involved and cares

Wheresthewine36 · 13/09/2016 19:24

It's YOUR labour.
If he is ever called upon to push a baby out of his penis, then it will be HIS labour.
You're not being unreasonable.

BlurtonOnKites4eva · 13/09/2016 19:24

It's deffo your labour!

As if he's in a mood with you as well. Tell him to get a grip!

Original poster
GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 19:25

No, he doesn't say that we're pregnant but he does seem to be upset when I refer to anything about the pregnancy or birth as being all about me and not really anything to do with him until we are holding our baby.

I haven't cut him out of any decisions and have left several of them entirely up to him. The ones that I have insisted upon he has ultimately been convinced of (e.g. having baby at home) and is genuinely happy with.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 13/09/2016 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stitchglitched · 13/09/2016 19:25

It's YOUR labour. And no you aren't 'lucky' that he cares when his 'care' involves making it all about him and then not speaking to you!

UnicornPee · 13/09/2016 19:26

Hahaha your husband is weird (sorry? But papping over that!! That is crazy.

formerbabe · 13/09/2016 19:26

I haven't cut him out of any decisions and have left several of them entirely up to him.

What decisions have you left up to him entirely?

DixieWishbone · 13/09/2016 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 19:28

I'm aware the birth may not go to plan, that's why I've procrastinated so long about doing the list (I am about two weeks away from due date). I think of it more as a wish list and it basically says that I will ask for help if I need it but to let me get on with things unless they see a need to assist and to otherwise help themselves to tea and biscuits.

OP posts:
bookwormnerd · 13/09/2016 19:28

You are totally in the right. You're the one going through it, not him. He should be there to support but it is your choice to how you want things to go. Obviously its hard to watch your partner go through pain but is in no way same. My husband knew it was me doing all the work when gave birth to both our children. Its the same as saying we are pregnant when only the mother is. It doesn't make the dad any less important than the mum but it would be like saying we have a broken leg if one person in the couple broke their leg. I would just reassure him that his role is important, however as you are the one going through the pain it is your list and your final say the treatment you receive. Maybe to make him feel included say if you want him to cut cord or have skin to skin with baby after birth.

NapQueen · 13/09/2016 19:28

Just tell him to highlight the parts he wants to do.

Tbh I mentioned dh on mine as I put "explain any procedures or pain Meds fully to me and dh"

blinkowl · 13/09/2016 19:28

The clue is in the name.

It is labour. One person will be doing the labouring.

Unless he intends to become part of your body, he will not be labouring.

It is his job to support you.

oldlaundbooth · 13/09/2016 19:30

He's a lot to learn, that lad.

justinelibertine · 13/09/2016 19:30

My H was all for the natural approach amd was referring to our labour like this, he even had a 'new baby' book and used to read it in public whilst I was expecting. Ha bloody ha. I am tiny, size 2 feet. I wanted a section and was refused by midwives. But by the by I ended up being in labour for 40 hours until I got the section I wanted.
Where was H in all this? Browsing on his phone and at one point fell asleep on the birth centre floor and this midwife covered the twat up with a blanket.

Your labour OP. Tell him to do one. (I might be bitter still)