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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that it's my labour and not our labour?

150 replies

GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 19:18

I'm due to have our first child shortly and have been nagged by several midwives to write down some sort of birth plan.

I wrote said plan today (bullet points, less than one page) and shared it electronically with my husband in case he had anything he wanted to add. I then at some point referred to it as "my labour list" and he said it was also his labour list. I pointed out that I would be in labour and not him, therefore it was about "my labour for the birth of our child" and therefore I get final approval of it as it will be me doing the hard work. He said that it would be hard work for him too.

He now appears to not be speaking to me. I do have a (small) degree of autism but surely it's my labour list as I will be in labour? Am I right or is it his labour as well?

OP posts:
Original poster
GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 19:34

Decisions I have left entirely up to him are whether baby has vit K injection/drops, the pram, having an extra scan (he wanted to see the baby again after 20 week scan) where to hire the pool from and other things like that. Everything else has been discussed and been joint decisions.

The only things I haven't discussed with him are to do with labour and birth. He is normally lovely and really excited about the baby but does not like it when he isn't part of the decision making.

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 13/09/2016 19:34

'He now appears to not be speaking to me.'

This guy will be good at 3 am with a teething toddler.

formerbabe · 13/09/2016 19:37

does not like it when he isn't part of the decision making

Is he like this in other areas of life?

finova · 13/09/2016 19:37

The fact that you could choose to not even have him present means it's definitely your labour! How petty of him.

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2016 19:39

The thing you need to remind him is this: if he wasn't in the room, the baby would still be born. NOT vice versa.

Original poster
GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 19:39

If he falls asleep and gets covered with a blanket he will be getting covered with water or something less pleasant! Can't see him doing that though.

He will probably be fine later this evening but it's really irritated me. I'm hoping that when labour is over and done with he will realise that it wasn't anything to get upset about in the first place.

OP posts:
tibbawyrots · 13/09/2016 19:39

I haven't written my birth plan yet.

Oh yeah, she's 20... 😆

Definitely your labour, not his!

AyeAmarok · 13/09/2016 19:44

He's wrong, you're right.

Maternity wards are filled with labouring women, not labouring couples.

He needs to wind his neck in.

Andromache77 · 13/09/2016 19:47

It's nice to be involved... when you can actually help. He has no say over labour because it's your body, not his. Will he be needing an episiotomy or pain relief? I don't think so. Even in a lesbian couple, the non-pregnant partner is most definitely not giving birth, but at least has the same "equipment", your husband does not.

Standing around waiting is not hard work. You can tell him that he's more than welcome to take care of your mutual baby. He can also help you after childbirth so that you can recover from expelling that same human being through your birth canal. Now that would be acting like a grown-up, behaving like a spoilt child is not.

JudyCoolibar · 13/09/2016 19:49

Ask him precisely what work he will be doing that is even one tenth as hard as contractions and pushing a baby out.

LugsTheDog · 13/09/2016 19:52

Ugh. "We are pregnant" is one of my pet hates. Funny how "we" don't both get months of nausea, stress incontinence and piles. Your partner is worse than "we are pregnant".

In all seriousness there comes a point where he has to start respecting that your body is yours, not shared property. He'll be crappy support if he's wandering about trying to claim ownership of everything. I'm reminded of dogs and cats weeing and rubbing up on stuff to "own" it.

PovertyPain · 13/09/2016 19:53

Tell him you'll want to hold his balls for comfort, while you're in labor. Every time you get a contraction you'll give them a little squeeze and each squeeze will get tighter as the pain increases. After all, it's only fair that he feels what you're feeling since it's his labor too. He should be happy to share the pain.

Bogeyface · 13/09/2016 19:53

Wow.

Tell him from me that as the veteran of 6 labours, I know for a fact that it will not be hard work for him. It wont be work at all!

I fucking people who get like this, it cant just be about you can it? They wander around going "But what about meeeee???!!!"

Beware that he could get worse after the labour, his type often do. Bemoaning that you are BF so he cant feed the baby, that you are giving the baby more attention than him......

Bogeyface · 13/09/2016 19:53

fuking hate people who....

LugsTheDog · 13/09/2016 19:54

And why don't you get a vote on Vit K and the pram for heaven's sake? Are you going to let him decide unilaterally about other medical decisions for your baby?

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 13/09/2016 19:55

He said that it would be hard work for him too
this made me laugh out loud.
He's being a muppet, but I do see how men can feel left out. I'd have happily shared my stitches, episiotomy and other problems with him, but my husband seemed to think that whining was enough.
I wouldn't worry about the birth plan too much. Making it up as you go along is a sort of plan, and much more likely to be kept to than anything more detailed!

NapQueen · 13/09/2016 19:56

Are you staying off on the leave once the baby is here? If so you will be the main pram pusher and should definitely have had an equal say!

Trifleorbust · 13/09/2016 19:56

Labour is a physical process which is undergone by a woman. The woman is the patient. He is there to support YOU, if you want that support. He needs to understand this, otherwise he is unlikely to make a good birth partner.

zzzzz · 13/09/2016 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puglife15 · 13/09/2016 19:57

I'm actually angry on your behalf. He's being such a selfish minded child. Tell him to grow the fuck up. YANBU in the slightest.

Original poster
GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 19:59

I think he thinks that it will be hard work supporting me, he's had it drummed into him by the NCT classes that he must keep me fed and watered (she said lucozade which is disgusting so he has researched the best alternatives), massaged, etc which he has made lists for and I think he'll mainly be worried about me. I have said that isn't the same type of work but he just wants to be involved in everything.

He is talking to me again now but not about labour. Will bring it up again tomorrow once he's had time to think about it some more and see if he's changed his mind.

OP posts:
squiggleirl · 13/09/2016 20:01

Just read the OP to DH. His response was a long loud laugh and he walked off shaking his head muttering 'He has a lot to learn.....' :-)

Meluzyna · 13/09/2016 20:02

Tell him you'll want to hold his balls for comfort, while you're in labor. Every time you get a contraction you'll give them a little squeeze and each squeeze will get tighter as the pain increases. After all, it's only fair that he feels what you're feeling since it's his labor too. He should be happy to share the pain.
Bloody brilliant, PovertyPain: computer - coffee interface here.

Both mine were home births, OP, but at one stage the midwife told DP to clear off for half an hour sent DP on an errand as she thought his presence was impeding labour.
Your labour will be fine.

Snapespeare · 13/09/2016 20:03

It's your body, not 'our' body.

PovertyPain · 13/09/2016 20:05

Labour, not labor. Sorry. Blush

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