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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that it's my labour and not our labour?

150 replies

GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 19:18

I'm due to have our first child shortly and have been nagged by several midwives to write down some sort of birth plan.

I wrote said plan today (bullet points, less than one page) and shared it electronically with my husband in case he had anything he wanted to add. I then at some point referred to it as "my labour list" and he said it was also his labour list. I pointed out that I would be in labour and not him, therefore it was about "my labour for the birth of our child" and therefore I get final approval of it as it will be me doing the hard work. He said that it would be hard work for him too.

He now appears to not be speaking to me. I do have a (small) degree of autism but surely it's my labour list as I will be in labour? Am I right or is it his labour as well?

OP posts:

greenandblackssurvivalkit · 13/09/2016 21:21

FFS, the majority of the world people queue for hours to get this sort of preventative treatment for their babies, and here where it's free, people are funny about it.

It's a quick jab in the thigh. Stops 1/3 babies getting a problem that can cause life changing strokes. You don't know you're low risk until you know you haven't had a instrumental delivery.

The vast majority of normal midwives advise vit K.

goose1964 · 13/09/2016 21:27

If he's your birth partner then surely the plan includes his role too even if it is only try not to faint. So although the labour is most definitely your the plan is for both of you. I love DDs birth plan , go with the flow. Thats it

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 13/09/2016 21:53

I'm probably in the minority here but if I had my time over again, I'd have the midwives for support and get DH to come in when baby was born.
Me too! In fact, for my 5th labour, I banned my husband and it was the quickest and calmest of all of them. When I went into labour with number 3 early and nearly a day's travel from a proper hospital, he fucked off to the loft and left me alone with the midwife and a broken gas & air tank. For number 4 he told me i was doing something wrong (I forget what, but I well remember asking him to come a little closer and say that!). Number 5 was calm and from the doctor breaking my waters to the baby being born was less than 2 hours. Lovely! I phoned him when I was ready.

Trifleorbust · 13/09/2016 22:10

No, goose. He is part of her birth plan. It's still not his plan.

ClopySow · 13/09/2016 22:23

I got my ex in a headlock during labour. He let me.

Stick that in his birth plan.

SpeckledyBanana · 13/09/2016 22:30

Arf. YANBU. Tell him to bog off now, it'll save you doing it once you're in labour.

PinkyOfPie · 13/09/2016 22:34

Is it just me who finds it slightly depressing that OP is being told she's lucky that her DH wants to be involved in labour.

It's not lucky it's how it fucking should be. Not being a twat about being involved doesn't mean you deserve credit

Poppyred85 · 13/09/2016 22:47

Don't want to derail but vitamin k is important and the oral form is less effective than the injection. Haemorrhagic disease of the newborn is a serious and potentially fatal disease. It can be easy to forgot about because it is now relatively rare thanks to the routine administration of vitamin k and without wishing to be rude it may be that your mum has forgotten what it was like or has never seen a case (much like we don't often see measles now.)

justinelibertine · 13/09/2016 22:49

Sadly not GaslightShining. If I could have moved I'd have smothered him. We are working on his selfish tendancies. It is bloody hard work.

And OP- You really have to come back and update us when he has 'laboured'. You will do great! Good luck.

Iflyaway · 13/09/2016 22:54

He now appears to not be speaking to me.

He sounds like a child.

I pushed my son out alone. You can too.

It's not about him. Really. You will have a beautiful labour anyway.

tell him to get the groceries and nappies in if he wants to make himself useful

TopazRocks · 13/09/2016 23:00

Tell him if he gets pregnant next time, he can write and own the birth plan! and the whole birth thing too.

JaniceBattersby · 13/09/2016 23:03

I hope he describes it as 'our' labour when you're actually IN labour.

See what kind of fucking bastarding arseing response he gets then

MrsKoala · 13/09/2016 23:11

When I had ds1, it was a hard 3 day labour. Loads of people on hearing's first response was 'poor dh that must have been so hard for HIM' one person even said 'poor dh, he must have been so bored' yeah, umm, sorry about that!

NaturalRBF · 13/09/2016 23:25

We are part of the "we're pregnant/our labour" gang. Ultimately the choices were mine but we did discuss them. And I wanted him to feel empowered during our labour so if something did go wrong he knew what I would want if I couldn't voice it myself. Also I hate the infantilisation of men on a labour ward. It REALLY irritates me! "Oh the silly man is just a spare part!" Not if he is empowered and knows what the mum wants. And that's where I believe labour is a joint venture. He knew what to do & had no issue challenging the medical staff because he has ownership of our labour & birth.

Bogeyface · 13/09/2016 23:43

you may not want him there. or at least not 'participating'. I was happy for my husband to be there during labour, but all I wanted was for him to sit down and shut up and not distract or bother me.

Same here. No 6 I was at home and coping with the longest hardest labour I had (not happy about that, I booked the "Quick and Easy" package!), and H tried to help my massaging me. Except it broke my concentration, so I bit him. Hard. Funnily enough he has never mentioned "our" labour.....

adagio · 13/09/2016 23:46

He's a knob

I threw up a lot during labour (not uncommon) so lucozade defo wouldn't have worked for me, or water for that matter.

Vit K - my research indicated that whilst rare, it is a risk. I also researched that if you are having it injection is better as more effective, and means their guts only have colostrum/milk in while still being formed (not sickly orange flavour goop). I was quite get about about newly formed tummies and setting them up for a good tummy start though

Good luck, and do what feels right to you during labour (my DH stroked my hair, which was nice, massage defo would not have worked for me!)

sycamore54321 · 14/09/2016 00:08

Vitamin K - why on earth would your baby be the lucky one who doesn't need the VitK and why shouldn't it be the unlucky one that does? The first indication you get that the baby truly needs it is when it has uncontrolled bleeding - if lucky somewhere visible and possibly treatable like the umbilical stump. If you're unlucky it will be something unbelievably serious like a bleed in the brain (just think of all the battering your baby's head gets as it moulds in your pelvis). There is no advance warning - if your baby has this awful bleeding disease, it is a major enormously serious life-threatening emergency. This is further multiplied by having your baby at home at a greater distance from immediate intensive care. The risks to a Vit K shot are as small as any healthcare related risk can possibly be. The risk of not getting it are unbearably, unthinkably huge. Babies no longer routinely die or are brain damaged from this swum disease because they routinely get the shot. Please please reconsider.

Also adding my voice to those who query the efficacy of the oral adminstration over the injection. please discuss this with your doctor. In my mind, refusing this highly safe intervention for your helpless newborn is not far off neglect or abuse.

blinkowl · 14/09/2016 00:32

I agree about stomach gloop.

OP do some research on health & stomach bacteria in newborns. You really don't want to be shoving stuff into their stomachs if you don't need to.

A potentially life-saving injection though? That's a no-brainer IMO.

Can I ask why you don't want the vitamin K injection? If it's because you don't like the idea of the needle, please consider that your baby will have just been though labour and a needle is nothing in comparison!

Bogeyface · 14/09/2016 02:37

Vit K is a personal decision and not one that the OP came on here to discuss. 3 of mine were born before it was even an option.

Focus on what she is actually asking "Is it OK for my DH to act like me giving birth is all about him?"

Bogeyface · 14/09/2016 02:38

I tell a lie, it was 4, only the youngest two were offered it.

Canyouforgiveher · 14/09/2016 02:45

He said that it would be hard work for him too.

That really is terribly funny.

Focus on what she is actually asking "Is it OK for my DH to act like me giving birth is all about him?"

Yes this is the question - and he is an absolute arse to think he is going to somehow go through labour because he dislikes the spotlight being on his wife.

I nearly died in one labour and ended up with permanent abdominal scars from the other two easy ones. after the one in which I nearly died, I left the hospital barely able to walk in a wheelchair. My husband put on his jeans and walked out like a man. if he had been withering on about "our labour" and how hard it was for him ... well I suppose I wouldn't have had the other 2

sycamore54321 · 14/09/2016 03:39

Sorry for off topic but bogeyface I completely disagree with your post. Vitamin K is not a personal decision, it is a medical one. The wrong decision can result in a dead or horrifically injured baby. If I see a post where someone equates it to a level of importance of which pram to purchase or what words their partner uses to describe labour, for no reason other than 'because my mum said so', then frankly I don't care if it was not the OP's primary subject of discussion. Sure, the vast majority of babies born before routine Vit K were alright, including thankfully yours. But for those babies who weren't, the consequences were so awful and so serious that I don't see why we should tiptoe around it and focus on asking the OP more about something that frankly matters not a single jot when compared with the health or even life of a newborn. We now know that Vit K directly delivers far superior outcomes and prevents a rare but awful, often fatal, disease. It is not a decision equivalent to which pushchair to choose. If it makes the OP or others reading the thread uncomfortable to be reminded that medical decisions should be fully informed and taken in full consulstation with a medical professional, so be it.

GreatFuckability · 14/09/2016 04:18

I think the insinuation that a man is an abuser because he's calling it his labour too, is frankly bonkers. The man is wrong, totally. But his intentions are good. He cares and is concerned. Its not easy for birth partners always. When I was my sisters birth partner it was long, boring and mentally tough to watch. Was it as hard as doing labour? No. But that doesn't mean its not difficult.

Trifleorbust · 14/09/2016 05:45

Oh stop banging on about vitamin K, people. It's a choice like any other.

Trifleorbust · 14/09/2016 05:47

Sycamore: Obviously it is a medical decision. Medical decisions are personal. Stop going on.

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