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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that it's my labour and not our labour?

150 replies

GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 19:18

I'm due to have our first child shortly and have been nagged by several midwives to write down some sort of birth plan.

I wrote said plan today (bullet points, less than one page) and shared it electronically with my husband in case he had anything he wanted to add. I then at some point referred to it as "my labour list" and he said it was also his labour list. I pointed out that I would be in labour and not him, therefore it was about "my labour for the birth of our child" and therefore I get final approval of it as it will be me doing the hard work. He said that it would be hard work for him too.

He now appears to not be speaking to me. I do have a (small) degree of autism but surely it's my labour list as I will be in labour? Am I right or is it his labour as well?

OP posts:
GasLightShining · 13/09/2016 20:36

Where was H in all this? Browsing on his phone and at one point fell asleep on the birth centre floor and this midwife covered the twat up with a blanket. when I first read this I thought the midwife had covered your twat as it was upsetting for your DH.

OP - Personally I would have told the midwives to piss off as well. I didn't want a plan as I just wanted to go with the flow and not be worried that it wasn't going to plan. Had an emergency section which certainly wouldn't have been on the plan

elfen101 · 13/09/2016 20:37

See, I just said this to hubby - technically it is your labour plan, but you are sharing it, you're sharing the duty of your little one. He says fair play to us for dealing with the pain and torture - but he does have a point. They are the ones who get us there, screaming and kicking and punching, they're the ones who are there for us getting hands broken and verbally abused by sleep-deprived in pain woman bellowing at them that they're never having sex again, picking up the emotionally distraught crying woman after the baby is born (in this case, me, I cried like a fountain, and puked)

My birth plan was simple - give me pain relief, and do what you need to get my son out in one piece. Hubby was in complete agreement - I was in labour for just over 24 hours in all (active labour), I had forceps and an episiotomy. He looked after little man whilst I slept off the epidural, he dealt with the first checks, the first feed, the first nappy change.

As he said, we do all the hard work, they help us emotionally and physically after in any way they can. I think, tbh, your hubby is scared. You're going through this amazing thing together, but you're doing all the work, and he's scared. Scared of impending fatherhood, scared of losing control, scared he's not good enough, and it's popping out in funny ways. Hubby was like that near the end, but now little man is here and wiggling furiously - he loves him so so much, he would do anything for his son. He's still scared, but now he's not scared he'll lose us, or lose control and not know what to do.

GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 20:37

Vitamin K - I don't feel like the baby needs it, if he does then I won't object to baby having it as I think he should have a say in baby's medical treatment. I would probably insist on drops instead of injection though

Pram - We looked at several and I left the final decision to him

Abusive - No he isn't, if anything it's me with the temper and he's usually a very calm and rational person. Except in this case where he is being obtuse. I think he genuinely doesn't understand why I'm annoyed

Lucozade - It is disgusting! Grin

OP posts:
bookwormnerd · 13/09/2016 20:38

I had Lucozade tablets which midwifes made sure to give me, they are good, also midwifes at birth unit I went to were getting me to eat as many biscuits as possible. All my husband did was distract me with talking to me as was moving around as much as possible and didn't really want to be touched and then both times held our children while I was stitched up and cut cords. He was fab though think he felt a bit off when I was being stitched up lol.

smarterthanhim · 13/09/2016 20:41

His job is to whatever you want. This labour is about you and your baby, end of. Its your body. He's being an utter twat. Good luck with your labour and birth. God help you, having a child with him is going to be interesting.

DeathStare · 13/09/2016 20:43

Just read the OP to DH. His response was a long loud laugh and he walked off shaking his head muttering 'He has a lot to learn.....' :-)

I did the same. My DP said "Is he stupid?" And my DP hasn't even witnessed a labour.

Seriously OP it only needs one person to labour. If he's so sure it's his labour too, tell him he can do it on his own and you'll pop out for the day.

Shurelyshomemistake · 13/09/2016 20:45

I agree that lucozade is revolting. You're not wrong.

It is not, however, "your (plural)" labour. What a wally. I am guessing he is very 'equal parent' minded which is great, but unless he's got milk-producing breast tissue or you're planning on bottle, he will soon discover that equal does not mean the same as identical.

This to me smacks of men trying to colonise women's experience and bodies and would really, really piss me off. But then I'm under the weather and entirely humourless tonight : D

JudyCoolibar · 13/09/2016 20:47

I think he thinks that it will be hard work supporting me, he's had it drummed into him by the NCT classes that he must keep me fed and watered (she said lucozade which is disgusting so he has researched the best alternatives), massaged, etc which he has made lists for

I definitely didn't want to eat during labour and I wasn't that bothered about drinking. Even if you do want to eat and drink, passing you the odd sandwich or glass of carefully-researched non-lucozade is hardly going to be taxing.

I also really didn't want someone touching me, but again a bit of massage really doesn't compare with going through the massive muscle contractions required to open your cervix and push a baby down the birth canal and out.

As for lists - he should probably throw those away. I have to say writing a birth plan always seemed to me a waste of time as you cannot possibly plan for every eventuality and don't necessarily know what you want when you actually get there. I wasn't at all keen on epidurals, but once I'd been in very painful labour for hours with minimal progress, suddenly I could see nothing wrong with them. If anyone had bleated at me that my birth plan said "No epidurals" I would probably have hit them.

Casmama · 13/09/2016 20:49

Are you sure he didn't mean "our list" as opposed to "our labour"? For example he might want some food in case the labour goes on for a long time or magazines or something- you might too.
And of course labour can be hard for a birthing partner- being awake for s really long time, watching your loved one in pain and staying calm and supportive throughout.
Yes it is unquestionably harder for the woman but I don't think HIBU for pointing out its not a bundle of laughs for him.
The competitiveness from both of you will be really unhelpful in the early days of newborn exhaustion.

GoBigOrange · 13/09/2016 20:51

His labour too? Hahahaha. Plonker. The fact that he has no legal right to be there when the baby arrives should tell him something really.

And when it actually gets down to it, you may not want him there. or at least not 'participating'. I was happy for my husband to be there during labour, but all I wanted was for him to sit down and shut up and not distract or bother me. Any fussing with Lucozade (I agree, blergh) or massage attempts would probably have resulted in me pulling out my batman voice and telling him to fuck off. So he sat quietly in the corner and drank coffee and did crossword puzzles while I got on with having our son. I think he was quite relieved to not have to do anything or risk having his hand mangled actually.

Blueskyrain · 13/09/2016 20:55

The 'we are in labour' thing is laughable.

I don't think him making some decisions, like what pram to have is any more abusive than the mum to be making that decision. Its a partnership, neither parent trumps the other.

GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 20:56

No, he definitely said our labour. I shared the list with him so he could add stuff as it's our list because there are a few things on there that are for him to do (e.g. check cats are ok as I am worried that they will be worried during labour. I know that is ridiculous) and not midwives.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 13/09/2016 20:58

What a fucking immature jerk! So he's not speaking to you because you refuse to call it HIS labour? He can fuck right off! What part of labour exactly will he be participating in? Will he be pushing a child out of his body? Fucking idiot. Nip this shit in the bud now. The last thing you want in the labour ward is a self-absorbed man princess who is complaining that he's not getting enough attention during HIS labour.

Whocansay · 13/09/2016 21:01

I would consider having another person with you at the birth. The last thing you need is him telling the midwives you don't need pain relief because he doesn't like it.

If he can't be supportive, he should fuck off. You body, your choice.

greenandblackssurvivalkit · 13/09/2016 21:01

Baby definitely needs vitamin K! Why would you run an unnecessary risk of haemorrhagic disease of the newborn?

Abusers are calm and rational. The idea of abusers 'losing it' is a myth.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/09/2016 21:02

OMG, this takes me back. This couple came to our NCT class to tell us about their birth experience. She hardly opened her mouth. It was all the dad banging on about "we" this and "we" that. On the way home my DH got really shouty about it, swearing about what a total dickhead he was. Sorry, OP, but your DH sounds like a dickhead too.

I'm trying to think of something positive to say about your DH's attitude, but it's difficult. The one thing that might be work, should things not go to plan, is to ask him to push for the pain relief you need if you aren't up to demanding it yourself.

I had a failed everything. The doctor doing my epidural stuck it in 7 times and it still wasn't working. My DH got very, very anxious in hospitals, and over-awed by doctors, but he was as brave as a lion that night, insisted she stop and demanding a consultant come immediately. I was so grateful for his strength and courage. I knew how difficult it must have been for him. So, yes, there can be a major role for the dad in labour, but it's not a common situation.

As for birth plans, IME you might as well leave them at home. So many births don't run to plan. Some must, I guess. After the birth there's lots he could do. Fetch hot food. Fetch you any darn thing you want, really. Grin

Blueskyrain · 13/09/2016 21:04

I think people are taking this waaay too personal. It sounds like he just wants to feel useful, and to make sure he's doing the right thing. Its hardly reason to ban him from the birth of his child.

Chances are, once it starts, he'll realise (if not before), what he needs to do (and not to do). I don't honestly think he means this in any bad way. It makes me laugh, but I don't think he's a bad guy for it, or deserves swearing at.

Ledkr · 13/09/2016 21:08

Tell him he can share it and arrange for someone to kick him repeatedly in the stomach for the entire duration of your labour and then jump on his crotch for the finale.
Bless him, the eejit

galaxygirl45 · 13/09/2016 21:09

I'm probably in the minority here but if I had my time over again, I'd have the midwives for support and get DH to come in when baby was born. He was no help whatsoever, and just made me stressed. Labour is something that only your body will go through and for him to try and have a say in that isn't something I'd be putting up with..................!!

GummyGoddess · 13/09/2016 21:11

Baby definitely needs vitamin K! Why would you run an unnecessary risk of haemorrhagic disease of the newborn?

Some are more at risk than others, the risks of me dying before actually going into labour are greater than this risk. Husband does want baby to have it so I will ask them to do it in the drop form instead of the injection. I also asked my mum (who is a midwife but will not be attending the birth) about it and she did not seem particularly alarmed by the possibility of the baby not having it. If she had been alarmed then baby would have it without question.

OP posts:
HighwayDragon1 · 13/09/2016 21:12

Punch him in the bollocks with each contraction if he wants to share the experience Wink

PotteringAlong · 13/09/2016 21:13

the baby definitely needs vitamin k! If it's only the injection they offer then take the injection. It could be fatal if you don't.

He's also an idiot. Strictly, legally speaking, it isn't his baby at the minute. Until they're born and they're outside of your body they are yours and yours alone.

PotteringAlong · 13/09/2016 21:15

Ah, cross post about vitamin k.

ErrolTheDragon · 13/09/2016 21:15

If he thinks its his labour too, get a TENs machine for him. You know, the contraption which helps make labour pain more bearable. My DH tried it (afterwards, having helpfully kept turning it up during) and howled in agony.

NorseFrench · 13/09/2016 21:16

DrCoconut Shock
Did he feel the same way when it came to medical treatment for himself?
No, I didn't think so.