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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£9000 per year plus living costs and it is policy for the university tutor not to talk to,parents...am I being too precious?

346 replies

MillyDLA · 12/09/2016 20:39

Just wondered your thoughts. My ds has missed the credits needed to move to his next year at uni, failing one exam by 2%. He has only just been told today that he can't return to uni until Sept 2017. I would have liked to have discussed this and meet with the personal tutor to support my ds in making the right choices. I want him to stop and consider all of his future options. However, even with my ds present the uni have refused any contact. I know my ds is a grown up, but this is a big decision. Added to that are all of the financial implications, student loans, a flat signed for for the whole of next year and future career/change of degree options. Big decisions to make.

I am interested in your thoughts around the lack of contact by the uni.

Thanks

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/09/2016 20:41

It's standard. He's a uni student now, an adult. They are encouraging him to be independent, and to filter information to you if he wants your help in making the decision.

There will always be many consequences of any decision he makes now, he'll always have to consider if he can afford it. I know you're worried, but he needs to sort this himself.

Vvlgari · 12/09/2016 20:42

In a word, yes, I think you are being precious. Sorry. The uni's relationship is with your DS, not you, no matter how much the course cost.

I would have been furious and humiliated if my uni had contacted my parents to talk about me.

SarahMused · 12/09/2016 20:43

It is data protection as your son is an adult. The tutor may be able to discuss with you if your son gives his permission.

LuchiMangsho · 12/09/2016 20:43

No sorry, we can't talk to you. If your son is an adult then under Data Protection stuff we cannot share his personal information with you. I really don't meet with parents- I am more than happy to chat with students and help them make decisions. You can explain the choices to your son and he can get input from his personal tutor.
Also, not sure what you can discuss at this stage, really. I'm astonished that he's only found out now that he's failed. Most universities released marks months ago. I'm assuming he failed, then took a re-sit exam and then failed that again?

sooperdooper · 12/09/2016 20:43

He's an adult and they need to encourage him to make his own decisions, sounds standard to me. If he was in a job surely you wouldn't expect to speak to his manager about a performance issue?

goddessoftheharvest · 12/09/2016 20:44

Yes you are being precious

Your DS is an adult now, uni doesn't have to discuss his education with you any more than his GP should be discussing his health

I agree it's going to be a tricky time for him, but apart from hopefully asking you for some advice and moral support, he's going to have to sort it himself now.

He's a grown man.

intravenouscoffee · 12/09/2016 20:45

He's an adult. Imagine he'd been fired from a job - would you expect to meet with his boss?

I realise you're funding some/all of his university education but that's an agreement between you and your DS, not you and the uni. You'll need to rely on your DS to either make the right decision himself or discuss it fully with you as he sees fit.

Rumpelstiltskin143 · 12/09/2016 20:46

Helicopter parent I believe.

Andrewofgg · 12/09/2016 20:47

Watching this to see if anybody disagrees and why.

Fortitudine · 12/09/2016 20:47

Universities are becoming increasingly frustrated with parents who think that they can interfere in their children's academic lives. It was practically unheard until about ten years ago, but a couple of friends of mine who work in universities have said it is becoming a real problem.

Your son is an adult. YABU. And his tutors will be very pissed off with you, and your DS will now for the rest of his course be known as the one with the pain in the arse helicopter parent.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 12/09/2016 20:48

Yes, you are being precious.

For all the right reasons - but you need to let him find his own way. He's an adult now.

RedTitsMcGinty · 12/09/2016 20:48

YABU. It's between the university and your son. That aside, do you mean he has only failed one exam by 2%? If so, then not being permitted to return this academic year seems very odd indeed. Was this a resit, if he's only got the marks now?

OhTheRoses · 12/09/2016 20:48

If your son had given permission I'm sure you could have attended a meeting with him.

I'm sorry to say, but I suspect your ds hasn't been entirely open with you. Ours is going into third year. I wouldn't dream of speaking to his tutor. He got his exam results in June though.

Curioushorse · 12/09/2016 20:48

Hi MillyDLA

Side issue....but there's no way he's just been told today. If he had to do resits last month, then this shouldn't be a complete surprise. He should have known what the consequences of failing those would be. This would be the case, in most universities, if he failed his summer exams. And if he wasn't offered resits, then he must have been aware of this situation since early July.

Anyhoo.....this is a big decision, yes. One that your son needs to come to by himself, if he is going to take full responsibility for his own learning and future career. Somewhere along the line, if he's failed, he hasn't done this. You need to step back.

CitizenBloom · 12/09/2016 20:49

If you are involved in the decision-making of your adult child, that's both of your choice, and your financial arrangements are your private arrangements likewise. As an academic, my relationship is with my student alone.

LIZS · 12/09/2016 20:49

I'd be dubious that he really only knew today that this was likely. However I wonder from your posting name if there may be SN involved. I would have thought that they could talk to you and him with his permission if that was the case.

SwedishEdith · 12/09/2016 20:49

ya totally u but I do have a huge amount of sympathy with you re the situation that parents now have to sign up for 12 months' rent on student flats before they know, for sure, that their kids will return.

acasualobserver · 12/09/2016 20:49

I don't think you can expect the university to involve you. Would an employer? Or someone providing medical treatment? I understand you want to support your son but I think it's got to be at a private, family level

CrohnicallyAspie · 12/09/2016 20:51

Where I work, a parent really did phone up and shout at a member of staff because their precious daughter (aged 20 ish) had had a disciplinary at work.

Please don't be that parent.

lucyandpoppy123 · 12/09/2016 20:51

Can he not just retake the failed unit this year? thats what i did last year.

I don't think its that unreasonable that the Uni won't discuss things with you, my parents never asked to talk to tutors or anything, I took full responsibility for my learning and had a DD between my first and second years.

happypoobum · 12/09/2016 20:52

Yes, YABU

How come he only just found out now, after signing up for accommodation? Did he fail a resit?

I agree with PP, time to realise he is an adult and has to fight his own battles. I imagine he finds your attempts at interference pretty embarrassing.

FatherJemimaRacktool · 12/09/2016 20:55

Side issue....but there's no way he's just been told today. If he had to do resits last month, then this shouldn't be a complete surprise.

Not necessarily. Our resit exam boards have only just met and our students will, at best, have had their results today.

OP, can he really not carry the failed course into his next year and then take his second resit with his other modules next summer? That's what our students can normally do.

But yes, as others say, this is not something academics can or should discuss with the parents of the adults they teach. And your son's personal tutor wouldn't have any involvement in the decision anyway.

lucyandpoppy123 · 12/09/2016 20:55

Also as for the rent thing - why is that the parents issue?

I suppose if you have your parents as a guarantor (we never had a guarentor and saved up to pay 6 months rent upfront in lieu) but even then surely the student would just get a job to cover the rent if they weren't going to Uni. Or find someone to take their place in the house - that happens often.

senua · 12/09/2016 21:01

They won't talk to you but there will be information on the website.

SandyPantz · 12/09/2016 21:02

I highly doubt this is as much a surprise to him as he's letting on, if he's only getting results today then it must have been a resit, in which case he'll have known that whether or not he would re-enrole come september was tenuous much earlier than now.

It's his decision whether to go back in 2017 and there's no rush in making this decision, sounds like you want him to do something now, but taking a step back is often a better plan so he can consider his options in his own time.

Oh and YABU re uni speaking to parents, my mum tried that when I was at uni! I was furious it was so disrespectful, she was told where to go by the uni and rightly so.