£9000 per year plus living costs and it is policy for the university tutor not to talk to,parents...am I being too precious?

[MillyDLA]

Just wondered your thoughts. My ds has missed the credits needed to move to his next year at uni, failing one exam by 2%. He has only just been told today that he can't return to uni until Sept 2017. I would have liked to have discussed this and meet with the personal tutor to support my ds in making the right choices. I want him to stop and consider all of his future options. However, even with my ds present the uni have refused any contact. I know my ds is a grown up, but this is a big decision. Added to that are all of the financial implications, student loans, a flat signed for for the whole of next year and future career/change of degree options. Big decisions to make.

I am interested in your thoughts around the lack of contact by the uni.

Thanks

🚁

I understand that this situation must be worrying for you and you want to be kept in the loop. But, honestly, it's your son's responsibility to keep you in the loop, not the university. He's an adult now and as such, they will assume that if he wants your input he will ask for it and that if he wants you to know the outcome of his discussions with his tutor he will share the information with you.

Not sure why you mention the "£9000 per year plus living costs". The tutor doesnt owe you a meeting/conversation because you pay your sons fees and living expenses.

As a previous poster said, it does seem odd that he has only just found out now. Do you think there's a possibility he's been putting off telling you in case the university changed their minds and decided to let him stay?

My DD starts her first year in two weeks' time and I have worked out a budget for her based on her student loan, but only because I'm an accountant and she asked me to. I've completely left her to her own devices and most definitely wouldn't plan on getting involved with her tutors. Financially it's a student loan issue - she and I have agreed an amount that I'll assist with but that's not conditional on any say in her course - if she asks, fine, but not otherwise.

Agree with everyone. YABU. He's an adult.

OP, can he really not carry the failed course into his next year and then take his second resit with his other modules next summer? That's what our students can normally do

isn't it dependant on whether their other modules are high passes and it was just that one module missed? I'm guessing that might not be the case here.

Re the rent, he can still live in his uni town if he wants but will have to pay all the council tax himself (which would have a partial discount if all his housemates are students). That was the "done thing" if one housemate left uni when I was housesharing, it wasn't fair to expect the other students to chip in when it was supposed to be an all student house so exempt.

That said the ones who stayed in their uni houses did well - some got jobs in the uni or nearby and then went back and finished with fine degrees. The ones who moved home for the year rarely came back

Are you the one meeting your son's financial obligations, OP?

If so, your reaction is perfectly understandable.

Big decisions for him to make, not fir you. Of course they aren't going to meet wih you about it!

YABU and yes precious

Why would the uni talk to you? They will talk to your son. Probably they have already talked to him ... a lot.

If he's an adult, why are his parents having to support him ?

Why do the parents have the responsibility but no choices and the son has the choices but no responsibility ?

He's an adult now who you have educated and nurtured to stand on his own two feet.

We are not allowed by law to talk to you about your adult son without him being present and giving us permission to disclose the information.

He has only just been told today that he can't return to uni until Sept 2017. I would have liked to have discussed this and meet with the personal tutor to support my ds in making the right choices. I want him to stop and consider all of his future options. However, even with my ds present the uni have refused any contact.

This sounds very strange as previous posters have said. Did he fail a retake? Otherwise all universities made decisions about progression several months ago.

It also sounds very peculiar that the university refused to discuss with you when your son is present. Do you have independent verification of this or is this what he told you?

I can understand your feelings they are happy to take your money, your expected to financially support them. But they won't talk to you as they are adults. Well either they are independent adults or not.

I don't think the uni are being unreasonable, but I understand why you feel they should

He has only just been told today that he can't return to uni until Sept 2017 When my daughter got the form through for resits it was made clear that she had two choices take the resit early September and continue on in Oct 2016 if she passed or take the resit next June when the do the next set of exams in which case she wouldn't be able to move onto year 2 until 2017. Has your son opted to do the resit next year rather than now and not fully understood the implications of this? Does your son have any SN which would make understanding more difficult

It is very common for students to be in denial about the likelihood of their failing exams. They often think they're going to turn it round and do lots of work tomorrow, or next week, or the week after, and then they've left it too late...

Yes, you are being too precious. It's your son's tutor, not yours.

YABU. And ridiculous. Universities do not have time to deal with parents of adult students.

By all means support and advise your DS, but surely one of the main goals of a person going through uni is to emerge as a functional adult. This is his mess to sort out. Having mummy there as part of the conversation is unlikely to help his case in any event.

I do think that it is reasonable to allow parents to be part of the discussion with the tutor. The decision is one that impacts on all parties and therefore all should have a say. It isn't as if all students are independent. Although some may have the financial means to repeat a year, others may have to rely on the goodwill of parents. That means they should have a say in the decision making process. That makes it different to a job.

If he genuinely had this sprung on him today with no warning at all then I'd want to go and support him sorting it out too as I'd feel the University has treated him unfairly and I'd want to go support anyone I cared about in that situation, not just my child. It is likely though that he has known this is on the cards for a long time, he just hasn't shared it with you.

What is his plan for this year? If he has to pay rent anyway could he stay in the flat and look for a job near Uni, that might give him some skills and perspective for deciding about next year.

I completely understand why unis won't talk to parents, but it's completely hypocritical to expect them to behave 100% like independent adults when it's the parents income that's assessed and expected to pickup the tab for fees and rent.

I get the desire to want to do something as a parent, especially since the financial stakes have been raised so high with university fees and the cost of living.

But, at the end of the day, you have to hope you raised them to figure it out for themselves.

Maybe a year slogging away at a low end job will motivate your child to work harder when he gets to return to school ... or realise university isn't for them even.

Thank you! Please don't jump to conclusions about me. No, totally not a helicopter parent, a very busy headteacher with little time on my hands to sort out anything in our home life. I have always supported staff in the education system when dealing with my children. I know how tough it is.

Fair enough too about my son being a grown up, I know that too. He will make the choice that is right for him and is already sorting out a full time job to be able to pay for his flat.

There also hasn't been any misleading by him. I shortened the information on here just for ease of typing I knew this was a resist and the result was through today. However if he hadn't signed for his flat prior he wouldn't have had anywhere to live if he did pass.
My son had also misunderstood the need to pass thinking if he didn't, the extra credits needed could be gained whilst doing his next year. ( doesn't bode well for his future decision making then!). He is also very upset and shocked at the outcome.

University, loans, grants, lectures via Internet, science subjects, credits, etc etc are all new to me. Just want to know I am doing my best and not letting him down.

( Sorry, not sure LIZS what NS is in relation to my posting name)

I'm afraid if my child failed a year, she could discuss it all she liked with the tutor, but in the end it would be my decision whether I supported her, and as we earn too much for her to get any support for living costs I doubt she would be able to go back the year after. Therefore the options presented by tutor are meaningless as they may not be achievable.

*OP, can he really not carry the failed course into his next year and then take his second resit with his other modules next summer? That's what our students can normally do

isn't it dependant on whether their other modules are high passes and it was just that one module missed? I'm guessing that might not be the case here.*

That will depend on the particular university's academic regulations, as will things like the number of resits allowed. The OP's son needs to talk to the chair of his department or faculty exam board crosses fingers this isn't one of my students.