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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel like this about organ donation?

346 replies

frizzfactor · 07/09/2016 23:01

So a little back story. My father died very suddenly in my late teens. When he was buried the idea of him not being 'complete' was totally abhorrent.

Up until his death, I had thought I would always donate all my organs, but now I'm horribly struggling with the idea. I will be 40 in a little while and live in an area where you actively have to opt out of doing so.

I totally get that my decrepit and abused organs could potentially save a life, but the thought of being harvested and disposed of by some means (don't even get me started on that one!) horrifies me. I would like to find peace with this so any help greatly appreciated. However I also want to know if anyone else feel this way or am I being totally unreasonable?!?

OP posts:
Amandahugandkisses · 07/09/2016 23:04

I feel like you.
Sorry but taking organs from my body after death creeps me out.

It does help that all the Fags and alcohol will probably make them totally useless to anyone by then anyway though!

DerekSprechenZeDick · 07/09/2016 23:05

The way I see it is once in dead in just going to fit into the ground. That's it. I'm just a decomposing shell

So if my innards are any use and can save someone then take them. Have 'em, I don't need them. I won't even know what you've taken

I can't promise they will be usable but worth a shot.

neonrainbow · 07/09/2016 23:06

If you'd take an organ you should be prepared to donate yours.

Think about how you'd feel if someone you loved died while waiting for an organ. It won't matter to you what happens to your organs. You'll be dead.

DerekSprechenZeDick · 07/09/2016 23:06

Im rot

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 07/09/2016 23:07

YABU.

Organs you'll no longer need could save a life. How could you not want to share them?

After I die peeps can have whatever they need. Might be my only real chance to help someone.

MakeMyWineADouble · 07/09/2016 23:07

There isn't a right or wrong way to feel about this IMO. Its a very personal subject, when I was taking about it with a friend once she asked me if I would accept an organ and why I would feel differently about that than giving one. It did make me think but like I said at the end of the day you have to make your own choice about things like this.

allowlsthinkalot · 07/09/2016 23:07

I don't think anyone can tell you that your feelings are unreasonable. But I think you would be very U to opt out. Would reading stories and watching documentaries about people waiting for organs help to balance your fears?

Does it help to see the body as an empty she'll thar doesn't contain the person? Or to see that an organ is like giving away something you're no longer using. You are still you.

sleepyhead · 07/09/2016 23:08

Well... we are all "disposed of", by whatever means. Whether whole or otherwise, our mortal remains will return to the soil (even with organ donation, that return is only delayed).

It's horrible to think about our own death, even more so to live through the death of a loved one. I don't think the human mind is really equipped to comprehend it and I think we cling to their bodies/our bodies as it's all we have left, but I believe when we die the thing that makes us "us" is gone.

It's just a shell to be discarded. We have no personal use for it, but as a gift it becomes beyond value to someone else.

JellyBelli · 07/09/2016 23:08

Its simple. Make whatever choice you like for yourself, but dont override someone elses wishes.

LineyReborn · 07/09/2016 23:09

So opt out.

I've opted in because I'll be dead and I'd like someone and maybe many people - including young people - to benefit from anything they can glean from me.

I think it's bizarre that you would post on a popular parenting website in a manner which might actively deter organ donation, tbh.

honeysucklejasmine · 07/09/2016 23:11

If you can honestly and sincerely say you would never take an organ, YABslightly less U.

Doggity · 07/09/2016 23:12

I have to say I find it difficult to understand why someone would make an active choice to not donate their own organs. You are dead and certainly do not need them where you are going, be it cremation or burial. You'd deny a person a chance to live because you find it "weird" or "uncomfortable" or whatever? I can't get on board with that, it's incomprehensible to me. That said, I understand why - in the moment after losing a loved one - their family might not consent to organ donation but actively deciding for yourself is where I hit "yeah, I just don't get it" point.

honeysucklejasmine · 07/09/2016 23:12

Is it 9 people, your organs would save? I have that in my head for some reason. Imagine saving 9 lives. And all you have to do is give away something you can't use anymore.

Salmotrutta · 07/09/2016 23:13

I agree with Derek and neon.

Ask yourself if you would refuse a heart/kidney/liver transplant if your life depended on it?

If you would accept a transplant to save your life or a family members life then you need to consider reciprocating.

Of course if you can't bear the thought of donating then I'm sure you would give up accepting an organ to uphold your principles.

LineyReborn · 07/09/2016 23:13

If anyone overrides my organ donation registration after my death, I'm not going to be happy.

Soubriquet · 07/09/2016 23:14

I feel the same as Derek

Once I'm dead, I'm dead. If a part of me saves someone's life..well how can I argue with that?

My Dh has tried to get me to change my mind. He feels the same as you. The thought of me being cut open and things removed causes him to completely freak out. But I've sat him down and explained what I want. Begrudgingly, he has accepted it

nephrofox · 07/09/2016 23:14

The reality is even if you don't opt out, the chances of you being an organ donor are slim as you have to die in quite a specific way to b suitable.

However that doesn't answer your question - you're not unreasonable to opt out if that's the right decision for you. If you'd prefer your organs were burned or buried rather than provide the gift of life to someone else then fair enough. I can't understand that kind of view myself but each to their own.

Agree with PP though that you mustn't let your view cloud anyone else's. If someone you're close to dies without having opted out, please don't block the use of their organs

Pinkerbeller · 07/09/2016 23:15

I see it the same way as sending my clothes/shoes/bags to the charity shop when I die, except the recipients get improved quality of life as opposed to a bargain pair of trousers. I'm gone, I don't need anything but a crematorium and a pretty place to scatter my ashes so if someone else can benefit I'm happy - reduce, reuse, recycle!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 07/09/2016 23:15

Weirdly I have no problem donating my own bits and bobs - but I admit I would really struggle to agree to my family members on their death. I think it's because they rely on the body still being alive for the organs to be of any use. I wouldn't be there to hold them as they died iyswim?

ShatnersBassoon · 07/09/2016 23:15

Is the thought of receiving a donated body part as repulsive to you as the thought of donating them is?

TheProblemOfSusan · 07/09/2016 23:16

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel how you feel. I would donate in a heartbeat* though, because bodies are amazing. And we just grow them! Out of hardly anything at all and without a plan or conscious thought or anything!

All the bits turn into the right bits and we feed them with other things and they just get on with doing the growing into marvellous amazing arms and hands and hearts and eyes and bladders and all sorts.

Well, most of the time, and sometimes it goes wrong for people. Or something happens to some of the bits, and they don't work, and that causes the brain not to work, even when others of these glorious bits are just fine.

And if that happens to me they can take out all the bits they want and use them to make someone else keep being amazing, because it would be a huge waste to let all these glorious bits of amazingness rot away after I spent all that time bloody exercising and eating sodding kale to keep them mostly healthy.

So although you feel how you feel, I think that donation is the most reasonable thing to actually do.

*Pun totally intended

TheDuckSaysMoo · 07/09/2016 23:18

We donated my brother'so organ. At the time my mum said no to the corneas, but that they could take anything else. Now she feels that was a ridiculous decision to exclude anything. She hated the idea of anyone taking anything from my brother but I talked her into it.

The donor liaison specialist was incrediblestablished and talked my mum through how the removal would take place and it was carried out with great dignity to my brother.

We got an amazing amount of support from the hospital and donor service. From a selfish point of view, we got extra time to say goodbye as he was kept alive to allow donation services to be set up and we were supported with counselling. We all felt like his death had a purpose and that he now lives on in others. He saved or improved the lives of many people and we continue to be included in their stories today and we still get support through donor service events.

So, I say yabu and selfish as donating could help your own family and/or friends cope with your death in a more positive way as well as helping others.

Original poster
frizzfactor · 07/09/2016 23:18

I don't think I'm deterring given that I'm asking for help to make peace with it. Where better to find out if anyone else struggles with it and find the argument to convince me and others along the way. Perhaps it wasn't clear, but I would like to feel comfortable with my opting in to donate my organs.

The comment about receiving an organ is helpful. I honestly don't know if I would take one, I'm assuming I probably would if the only other option is death, but I feel a bit funny about that idea too.

What I do know is that if my DC's needed one I would want one for sure. I'm not sure how I would feel about theirs being donated (it's unbearable to think about too much) but maybe it's about preventing someone having to face the kind of traumatic bereavement I did. That was also helpful, thank you.

About being a shell, possibly, but it's still hard to comprehend. I'll give that some thought, thank you. :)

OP posts:
Geekmama · 07/09/2016 23:19

Well all I can say is that I'm very grateful for the person that donated they cornea so I could see again, I'm having my other eye done on the 19th. 🙂 please consider donating, It can change lives in so many different ways. Would you feel funny about giving blood? Is that really any different? 🙂

wigglesrock · 07/09/2016 23:20

No, I don't feel that way. I've no use for my organs when I die and I don't think I'll be incomplete being buried without them. I've always been very clear with my parents, then with my husband that I would want to donate anything that can be used. I've also filled in the paper bit of my driving license. I've discussed with my husband about his organs and I've also discussed with my husband about our kids organs being donated should anything happen to them and me. I mean I don't dwell on it but it was a quick definite conversation.