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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to feel like this about organ donation?

346 replies

frizzfactor · 07/09/2016 23:01

So a little back story. My father died very suddenly in my late teens. When he was buried the idea of him not being 'complete' was totally abhorrent.

Up until his death, I had thought I would always donate all my organs, but now I'm horribly struggling with the idea. I will be 40 in a little while and live in an area where you actively have to opt out of doing so.

I totally get that my decrepit and abused organs could potentially save a life, but the thought of being harvested and disposed of by some means (don't even get me started on that one!) horrifies me. I would like to find peace with this so any help greatly appreciated. However I also want to know if anyone else feel this way or am I being totally unreasonable?!?

OP posts:

user838383 · 10/09/2016 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GColdtimer · 10/09/2016 09:52

Boopsy, having watched someone go from healthy to dead in 10 horrific days and supporting my BF in the aftermath of loosing her previously healthy DH aged 39 I can predict that in that situation you would put all thoughts of it being a bit creepy to one side.

FairyAccess · 10/09/2016 10:56

I also struggle with this. I have read things about people taking on traits of the donor etc after transplant, it creeps me out

I don't know where you are reading this but that's a load of nonsense not actually true.

debbs77 · 10/09/2016 17:41

I feel the same. And the same about my children. If anything ever happened to them, how could I bury them with parts missing?

The right thing of course is to do it. X

PoisonousSmurf · 10/09/2016 17:47

My dad has a fear that the doctors would harvest him if he was on life support and then claim that he had died of natural causes if they found out that he was a donor.
Well, he's going to have to let them know as he lives in Wales and they will 'peck' him empty.
He plans to have a tattoo to say NO!
I on the other hand, don't care whatsover about myself and if anything happened to my children, they'd be donors as well.
You can't take it with you!

thatsn0tmyname · 10/09/2016 17:48

I am happy to donate my organs but would struggle to donate my childrens. In the meantime , I'm a blood donor (am too old to donate bone marrow) and hope I am never in position of discussing child organ donation. Will cross that bridge if ever it comes up...'

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 10/09/2016 17:48

Thanks for that lovely insight debbs

The funerals of my son and daughter, one was able to donate, one was not, we're both equally devastating, equally heartbreaking and equally painful.

I did not think worry nor care about 'missing parts' as you so charmingly put it. My loss was already at a maximum.

JasperDamerel · 10/09/2016 18:15

What I didn't appreciate until someone I live needed a transplant was just how much gratitude is felt for the donor and their loved ones.

Every birthday, every Christmas, every anniversary, every Mother's Day and Fathers' Day, every parents' evening or holiday or moment of laughter and love, we remember the people who have been robbed of a full lifetime with their own loved loved one, and we are so, so grateful to them.

for all the donor families.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 10/09/2016 18:30

Thank you for this

I'm in a situation now where I'm cut off from everyone I know and feel so alone in my grief. To think that the recipients of my sons organs will be thinking of him too means so much.

JasperDamerel · 10/09/2016 18:52

They will be thinking of him. Even the families of the people who were called for possible transplant but didn't receive an organ will think of him at around the anniversary of his death. I'm not even a relative of recipient, just a close friend, but I still think about the donors all the time. When the call for a transplant comes, you are very aware that somewhere out there are people going through the thing that you are dreading and desperately hoping to avoid, and you can't not think about them. It's been nearly six years now, and I don't think the feeling ever goes away.

chilipepper20 · 10/09/2016 20:09

I couldn't care less what happens to my body after I am done with it. I won't be needing it after I am dead. In fact, the thought that my organs may save someone else's life is somehow comforting.

AVY1 · 10/09/2016 20:13

I am totally pro donation but I do understand completely how you feel. The way I deal with this is that I have told my loved ones that they can most definitely say yes if/when the issue arises. That way I'm not stressed about feeling 'incomplete' but know that my wishes, however much they freak me out and I find them hard to acknowledge, will be met.

weatherheather · 10/09/2016 23:15

When my sisters son died her and his father agreed to donation (it was something he had expressed his wishes for too in the past) and I can't begin to tell you how it helps them (and the rest of the family) in their grief to know how he has helped 8 other people live their lives.
Having received and read the letters of the recipients about how they are doing now shines a very bright light into a very dark place. We are all now on the donor register and my own 13 year old is so proud of her cousin and proud to say she is on the register.

It's a heartbreaking decision to make at the time but to give hope and life to others is something that makes, for us, the grief bearable - we often think of him as being alive in another and for us that is a wonderful thought! My heart goes out to anyone in the situation where they may need to think about donating their loved ones organs and those waiting for donation of organs X

GColdtimer · 10/09/2016 23:56

So sorry for your loss Elsa. As I type them, these words seem wholly inadequate.

PuntasticUsername · 13/09/2016 08:39

Omg Elsa I'm in tears all over again now!

As a family member of a donor organ recipient: yes, I think about the donor every day and am so thankful for the (overused phrase, but) priceless gift they gave. Words can't express, really. And I'm so sorry for your dreadful loss

shabbs · 13/09/2016 08:52

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/2437761-Our-special-thread-where-we-can-be-who-we-are-A-thread-to-remember-our-children-who-are-no-longer-physically-here-Our-safe-haven

Elsa - wonder if the above thread would be of any help or comfort to you? We started the ongoing thread about 9 years ago and, for me personally, it has been somewhere where I can 'shout, scream, laugh and cry.'

Sewblunt · 13/09/2016 08:58

YABU. If you needed an organ would you accept one? If the answer to this is yes then you should be on the register. I don't understand why people are so ridiculous about their bodies after death. You no longer need the organs and you could save someones life. The religious argument doesn't fly with me either. Your imaginary friend isn't going to care if you have both your kidneys.

steppemum · 13/09/2016 10:22

I have always felt that the part of me that was ME leaves the body when I die.
I saw my grandmother and MIL when they were dead, and they had gone. What was ledt was an empty shell.

So I have no fear of that shell being used if it can help others.

My neice is currently waiting for a heart transplant. It is a horrible thought that someone has to die for her to receive it. But I hope that another family will feel able in the middle of their tragedy to agree to donate, so that she can live.
Without the transplant she will not live to see her teens. She is 9 now.

Damselindestress · 13/09/2016 11:48

Cases like this put me off organ donation:

www.cbsnews.com/news/hospital-errors-lead-to-dead-patient-opening-eyes-during-organ-harvesting/

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2106809/Dead-man-wakes-as-transplant-surgeons-prepare-to-remove-his-organs.html

I know they are rare but I don't think that would be comforting if it happened to me. Clearly the system is somewhat flawed for it to be possible. I can't help thinking that maybe there were other cases where the patients didn't wake up in time. I would consider being a living donor, I do donate blood and I'm on the bone marrow register but I can't get past the fear that registering to donate my organs could lead to being declared dead prematurely.

shabbs · 17/09/2016 23:59

Damsel - I dont know if that happens...I used to be a domestic at our local childrens hospital and I saw many, very discreet organ donors going from various wards to theatre and back again. You would never, ever have guessed what was happening. It was done with much dignity and love. I do understand that it must happen but very rarely. I still remain adament that my lovely sons donation was what he wanted - he thought it was wonderful. The nurses who tenderly looked after him,even though he was dead on arrival at the hospital, were amazed that he had a donor card - if he could have done I KNOW he would have donated every organ he could. Although he is missed every single second of every hour of every day our pride in his courage to share what he could no longer use in this life, is immense. Dont RIP Matt - give them hell in heaven my darling boy xxxx

age81 · 23/09/2016 07:15

Shabbs, your boy sounds truly amazing and I hope he is giving hell.

Well I posted about needing an organ and since this thread started.

I'm delighted to say I got 'my precious gift ' 9 days ago. I am so in awe of the my donor family on their decision to donate and how lucky I have been.

Best of luck everybody X

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