Aibu to feel like this about organ donation?

[frizzfactor]

So a little back story. My father died very suddenly in my late teens. When he was buried the idea of him not being 'complete' was totally abhorrent.

Up until his death, I had thought I would always donate all my organs, but now I'm horribly struggling with the idea. I will be 40 in a little while and live in an area where you actively have to opt out of doing so.

I totally get that my decrepit and abused organs could potentially save a life, but the thought of being harvested and disposed of by some means (don't even get me started on that one!) horrifies me. I would like to find peace with this so any help greatly appreciated. However I also want to know if anyone else feel this way or am I being totally unreasonable?!?

My feelings about not being able to donate my son's organs were exactly that. A feeling. It wasn't to do with emotive manipulation. I honestly reacted with can we donate as it felt for me as a way of making sense out of the loss.

OTOH I did go berserk at the very idea of donating breastmilk. I could not have done that and remained sane.

Cancelly - This seems ethically wrong to me. If you know her wishes, you should respect her decision even if you disagree with it completely. If your choices about what you want done with your body after you die should be respected, then so should hers.

My mother has always made it clear that she would never agree to donating my organs despite my carrying a donor card since they first became available, hence my marrying to ensure she wouldn't be the one asked. The one thing we agree on is that the dead person isn't going to be caring. So as my father feels his hypothetical grief would be eased by being able to have organs donated, if it comes to my mother dying I would totally support him in agreeing for her organs to be donated (he'd be the next of kin so if he's still around it wouldn't be my decision anyway).

She wouldn't respect my father's wishes to have organs donated; I don't respect her opinion on the subject (in particular because she believes that organ donation doesn't work and it's all a hoax, but the ethical situation is the same as if she had any rational reason for objecting).

Ever since That's Life and Ben Hardwick I've said that I want everything donated. I was 10 then.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/10566984/After-Ben-Hardwick-a-bittersweet-legacy-living-with-a-new-liver.html

If you'd take an organ you should be prepared to donate yours
That has always been my opinion.

I also think that it is selfish in the extreme to allow organs that could save someone's life to either be burnt or buried.

people probably believe when we talk about the "eyes" that it's literally the whole eye. And we see those in each other
The cornea is just the transparent cover from the front of the eye. You wouldn't be able to recognise somebody else's corneas like you can their actual eyes.

an Aunt of mine actually left her body to science
That is what I want to do after they have removed anything they could use for transplants.

I haven't opted to give my organs, I was told horror stories when I was younger by my mother about how they'd try less to save me if they could use my organs, which I now know is rubbish, but it's still put me off of signing as a donor, but my husband knows, if/when I go, that they are to use every part of my body that they can.

First and foremost I like that it will save life's, secondly. I'm not really dead then am I?! My heart will still be beating! It helps me to deal with the concept of death. I hope that I will make a difference to a few lives.

I give blood, am on the bone marrow register and registered for organ donation. I'd like to help as many people as possible. Once I'm dead I don't need my body, and I think it's something really awesome you can do to help others. Every time I see a child on the local news who needs a bone marrow transplant I know I'm not a match and I can't help any more than I have but I know someone out there could be helping them.

NotCitrus - thank you for explaining. That's definitely more ethically complex than I was first envisioning it and I can understand why you think the way you do. My (estranged) mother and I have extremely different views on euthanasia, end-of-life care, etc., and I'm considering making a living will just in case she's considered my next of kin as I'm unmarried, even though we haven't spoken in many years. It's horrible when someone tells you that they categorically won't respect your wishes because they disagree.

I honestly don't know what I'd do in your specific situation, but as you said it would be your father's decision anyway. But my previous post was definitely over-simplifying your situation, so I'm sorry about that. I understand better now.

I have a close family member who is alive today and enjoying a fantastic quality of life, rather than a steady decline and painful death, because someone amazing donated their lungs when they died and he was lucky enough to get them.

Can't write any more because crying - stupid first day of stupid period- and anyway someone will probably accuse me of being emotionally manipulative, but that's my perspective. Donor organs save and transform lives. Anyone can have what they want off me after I'm gone, I don't give a fuck. That said, it's an extremely personal decision that everyone must make for themselves and it should always include the choice to withhold organs if that's what the person wants, without owing anyone else an explanation for why.

Btw switching the default to opt-in organ donation is a good thing. It massively increases donation rates and people can still opt out if they prefer. Knowing how long my family member waited for suitable lungs (and it's not just about blood type etc, the organs have to be the right size physically and in really good condition, no infections etc - he had two or three false starts where suitable lungs were found but later judged to be in too poor condition for transplant), I firmly believe we should be taking all possible reasonable steps to enlarge the pool of donor organs.

I wish you didn't feel the way you do op but yanbu .

name I didn't say that organ donation was wrong, I said I struggle with it.

I struggle with the emotive language around it; I struggle with when you are really dead as opposed to dead for organ harvesting purposes; I struggle with the 'judginess' of you are bad if you don't choose to donate; I have problems with an opt out as opposed to the current opt in system - the state should not have authority over your organs., and the onus should be on freely given consent, not having to form fill to opt out. If it was just like carrying a donor card, but it said no donation, it might be different, (but I currently have to go to the local town hall, and fill in a form in Flemish to withhold consent).

Once I have worked through these issues, I might decide to have a donor card, but only when I have settled these in my mind to my own satisfaction. I had a donor card for years, then stopped carrying it.

My Mum suffered failing health with auto immune hepatitis for over 15 years before her health failed dramatically and she was added to the transplant list. At that point she was as close to death as a person could be. She was weak and didn't recognise us. She hadn't been able to hold her 18month t old grandson for over 6 months as she was too weak.
She received her new liver 2 years ago and has gone from strength to strength. 12 months after the op my little boy ran to her to give her a hug and she picked him up. We all cried as she had never been able to do that.
Organ donation changes the lives of families not just one person and it is, in most cases, the gift of life.
If I could speak to the family of the donor I would tell them that their generosity and kindness has allowed my Mum to build a relationship with her grandchildren, to play an active part in family life and for the first time in a long time look to the future with hope.
It is a subject that needs to be discussed openly and frankly within families so family members understand and know each other's wishes.
Try to get past the squeamish thoughts.

Different strokes for different folks! At the end of the day for each 'happy' outcomes cited someone died

Scary to be fair its hard not to use emotive language when your DH is the one waiting on an organ. Everyone waiting on an organ is worried about running out of time.

I have read an awful lot on transplants, and the difference of being dead and alive. Because organs can only be donated in certain circumstances the medical staff have to ensure that the person they are trying to save is actually not going to live. It's called brain stem death, and that means that unfortunately there is nothing the medical staff can do to assist the dying person further as there is insufficient activity in the brain to continue to live without total medical intervention, that is when the transplant co-ordinators step in and talk to families about organ donation.

Also in England there is still the system of opt in, not opt out. Although I often think the opt in system is more about saving lives than about governmental consent to own your organs. As special as most people think they are - I doubt the government are actually interested in harvesting people's organs for conspicuous purposes. In Spain their change to an opt out policy halved their transplant waiting lists (Although my data for this was 2010 I think on last reading).

Anyway, its irrelevant. I don't think people are bad for choosing not to donate - especially parents of children. I think their choice is a heart-breaking difficult one.

And yet I contrast that with my DH who lies in hospital waiting to go back on the list. I used to think we'd grow old together - now I plan much less far ahead. I know that low donation rates might mean that I become a widow and my children may lose their father. But we get up and try our best each day as we know what has to happen to another person for our family to be able to have a chance of living normally again.

Its not easy on any side of the discussion, but when people struggle with the discussion about death, transplants and the icky factor, all that is happening is the numbers of deaths are increasing. Those who may be potential donators who are already brain stem dead, and those who are waiting for transplants, whose bodies can't wait any longer.

It isn't an easy subject for anyone who has been involved in the process on either side.

My friend had two liver transplants by the time she was 6 (the first one failed). The one she had when she was 6 lasted until she was 29. When she was about 27 he liver started to fail. She died at 29 waiting for a donor liver.

I personally think that if you'd be willing to accept an organ for yourself or your children, then you should be willing to donate yours.

Years ago I used to question whether I would want them to take my eyes, but after having my children I came to the conclusion that if my eyes helped another mother to see their child then they could gladly take them.

I am a donor.
R.I.P. Pickle.

My DS3 was fascinated by organ donation.....we went into our local chemist one day (he was about 4 years old) he asked me what the little cards were on the counter. I explained to him about organ donation and he was fascinated. He kept asking about different organs and could they be given to people who needed them.....I already knew where this conversation was going and then....in front of about 10 people in the shop he said 'Mam can you have a willy transplant....I've got a tiny willy and I want a big one!!' I said I wasn't sure but possibly??? He got a card that day and wrote his name on the back. He carried it in his pocket every day no matter where he went.

A few weeks before his 8th birthday he was allowed to play out of the garden with his friends. He went behind a flat back lorry sat on his bike wanting to have a peep at what was inside it. The driver got back in the lorry, didnt check if anything was behind him and reversed over my precious boy - he lost his life within minutes. When we got to the hospital he was proclaimed as dead on arrival. The nurse came out to us and I asked her to check his jeans pocket because he carried a donor card.

I am so proud of him because he donated both his corneas - he gave sight to a gentleman in his 70's and to a teenage girl. I contacted the donor people (his donation was made in 1992) and they confirmed that both transplants had been a total success.

Sadly missed but never forgotten - our precious, brave son xxx

After watching my best friends DH die awaiting a liver transplant I find it astounding people feel "creeped out" by what happens to their body after they die.

But you have a right to make your own decisions.

shabbs

Shabbs, your boy sounds amazing, the willy bit made me chuckle.

He was amazing - he would now be 32 and his school friends all post about him, on Facebook, when it is his birthday or his 'remember day.' He was hysterically funny. xx

Oh shabbs. What a beautiful boy he sounds. So sorry for your loss.

Having organs removed from your dead body is a bit of a gross thought but then so is the thought of your body being burnt up or being buried and slowly decomposing.

I dont believe in any woo or religious stuff so I know a dead body is just a dead baby so my plan is to agree to donate everything and not think about it too much.

You can all have mine. But if someone else doesn't want to donate.....personal choice. No one else can decide for you. Morals and ethics aside, totally your choice. You can't badger another person into donation whatever your views. If I wanted a tuna sandwich would you make me eat ham??

To be fair whether you have tuna or ham will have no bearing on whether someone lives or dies so not a valid comparison.

If you can categorically say you would never receive an organ then fine. If you would then the stance not to donate is totally hypocritical.

shabbs. What's wondering about you recently.