Aibu to feel like this about organ donation?

[frizzfactor]

So a little back story. My father died very suddenly in my late teens. When he was buried the idea of him not being 'complete' was totally abhorrent.

Up until his death, I had thought I would always donate all my organs, but now I'm horribly struggling with the idea. I will be 40 in a little while and live in an area where you actively have to opt out of doing so.

I totally get that my decrepit and abused organs could potentially save a life, but the thought of being harvested and disposed of by some means (don't even get me started on that one!) horrifies me. I would like to find peace with this so any help greatly appreciated. However I also want to know if anyone else feel this way or am I being totally unreasonable?!?

To be fair OP I used to think like you - then one of my friends needed (and luckily received) a heart transplant and my views radically changed. I got a donor card tge day after I heard se had got a heart.

OP I think it's great that you're asking for help to make peace with it. It would be so, so easy for you to just stick to your guns and refuse. The fact you want to change your view is wonderful and, even if you ultimately don't, I think you're awesome for trying

I used to feel like you, OP, and actively opted out of schemes. Over the years...I just seem to have come to terms with it more somehow. It helped that DH pointed out that it's incredibly selfish (which it is - understandable, and completely an individual's prerogative, but selfish nonetheless).

I posted on mumsnet back in April asking for a hand to hold whilst my mum (legally dead) was in theatre donating organs. It took a long time - she was kept 'alive' artificially for 24 hours in total, and I found that unbearably hard.

I also struggled because I did not get this sense of comfort I heard others talk about in having helped others...then, that of course made me feel like the world's biggest bitch, but mostly I was just mad and bitter that my mum was dead but someone else was be living at (what felt like) her expense.

I don't know. I don't regret the decision, but it has made my grief more complicated.

I don't want to deter anyone from being a donor (I am registered myself), but I wasn't prepared for a lot of the baggage that came with it when I agreed to my mum being a donor.

I think that is a brave , sensible & entirely understandable post tootsie.

Goodness, I would be so, so glad if someone could benefit from my death. They can take whatever they like. What good is any of it to me post mortem?

I would love to be able to donate blood, but having been the recipient of a full blood exchange as a newborn back in the 80s, I'm not allowed to (also severely anaemic, so it's probably Poundland blood anyway). My mum donated loads though, in gratitude for the baby those people saved. 7 people saved my life. That's really something.

fizzfactor I think you might need to come to terms with your father's death first. Make your peace with it, if you know what I mean.

I am a Christian and find faith does not automatically make everything easier but in the very long run does give me some comfort.

My dad died in a kind of dramatic, we were not expecting that, heart attach aged 74. We were devastated, temporarily, and very worried for our mum (my sister and I). Mum lived for about 12 years without dad and got steadily more ill with dementia. When she finally died, this year, it felt like a release and not at all like my dad's (which felt, slightly untimely) death.

One of the nicest things I have read about bodies is that we are made of stardust.

www.physics.org/article-questions.asp?id=52

What does all this mean, I wonder? I think it means life is precious but when a life extinguishes we are just, sadly, basic building block elements.

My sister and I sat in the room after my mum had died and although she was very close to death for several days before the actual death, there was such a clear difference. She was here and then she was gone. And nothing would bring her back.

Her body would begin to decompose very quickly, and there is no way I would have withheld any parts of her if these could have helped another to enjoy life. (Unless I had known expressly it was her wish for this to not to happen.)

For me, I am happy when I am gone for the doctors to take whatever they can use. I won't be able to take it with me.

It may give my family some sense of peace or small consolation to know I have helped others but even if it does not, and even if I never know what happens to these little bits of me, another life will be lived longer because of the doctors skill and a little bit of stardust.

Hi I think is such a personal issue and all feelings should be respected. I currently don't think there should be auto opt in yet if ever I really can't make my peace with potentially forcing someone's hand. That said I hope you don't mind me sharing my experience with you.

My very much loved, funny friendly and kind Dad suffered from congestive heart failure and severe diabetes and I watched him spend years ill and struggling before being put in the transplant list. We then had the roller coaster of emotions waiting although he was in a lot of ways lucky as he had 9 call ups for potentials within a short space of time (less than 6 months of I recall) on one occasion twice in the same night. Each time Dad would be rushed by ambulance to the hosp about an hour away prepared for surgery etc and each time we got our hopes up thinking this was it "His new heart new start" that drive home after finding out the organ wasn't suitable was so hard. Every time forcing you to face the very real prospect of his fragile position. I will NEVER forget the elation when the time came and it was a suitable organ we had been warned Dad was a matter of weeks before death and that he was closely getting to the stage of being too ill/weak to have the op and indeed was kept in an induced coma for 2 weeks post op he was so ill but he made it and my darling Dad (although no longer here) pulled through and we had some truly wonderful time with him and I am SO VERY grateful to his donor and that persons family. The surgeon who operated was also a true hero and whilst Dad was in Intensive Care just always seemed to be about checking on him - we later found out from his wife at his retirement party to which a number of his patients were invited that he actually did pop in and out to see dad it wasn't just our feeling in fact on one occasion he went in of an evening after their own anniversary meal - in my eyes a true hero as was all the fabulous team.

I personally would always be a donor as it honestly saves lives and means so much to so many people , I do think the way forward is to actually educate people on the process and truly what a difference it can make but ultimately we have to respect people's opinions and right to choose - I also don't agree to the view of if you are not prepared to be a donor you should never accept an organ. Quite frankly when faced with a dying and having a potential lifeline who would not grab it with both hands.

So sorry this is so long

I used to be squeamish about the eye thing too.

Now I'm over it. The idea of my heart beating in another chest, my eyes seeing a child's smile, after I'm dead? That fills me with such joy!

I do understand how you feel, but I couldn't think of a better memorial.

If your father had lost an arm or leg, would you have mourned the limb itself, or be sad for the loss of liberty your father would possibly endure?
We don't mourn the flesh. We mourn the soul. The person.
If that flesh can make another live, and prevent the grief you felt, I can only see that as a wonderful thing, however ghoulish.

I understand how you feel, but I am the complete opposite.

I feel that my body is just a vehicle, and is of zero use to me once I'm dead. I would be overjoyed to think any organs could be used.

You are very unreasonable and immature.

Feel how you like but yabu to not donate.

IME people with "problems" with the idea of organ donation overcome these quite quickly when it's their life on the line. I would be happy to see a system where people on the organ donation register are priorised over those who aren't when they need a transplant (under 18s excepted).

My partner can currently see his babies due to organ donation
It puts life into perspective
You don't know what is ahead for you and your family so one day organ donation may be a life saver!

I don't understand why the relatives get the 'decision' to 'honour' someone's wishes though. It's their body and their decision how on earth is it right that those wishes could be overruled? Seems very wrong to me.

Because to be a useful organ donor you tend to have to die young, and that usually means traumatically, violently, or unexpectedly. Can you imagine the scene in A&E where the distraught mother of an 18 year old RTA victim is being physically held back so that they can wheel her dead child into theatre to harvest his organs?

We all like to think we'd do the rational thing in these circumstances, but I for one, am not going to judge people who don't.

Not everyone CAN donate so it's a bit simplistic to say "if you would receive an organ then you should be a donor". I have a medical condition that means I am not eligible to be a donor but in principle I would be willing to donate. Should I also be refused an organ.

I also think the OP's concerns are perfectly valid. It's a very personal choice.

Hopefully I can donate my organs but I can't with my eyes as I have has to much surgery on them.

You really got to ask this do anyone really go to grave side and think about the actual body or think about the person.

I think YABU but you're allowed to feel however you like. You don't have to donate your organs, but I think it would be great if you did.

Personally, I look at my daughter and think about how I'd feel if she needed an organ to live, and someone wasn't prepared to donate their organs even though they wouldn't need them anymore.

I haven't put my daughter on the organ register yet because I can't bear to think about her dying. However, I know that, were she to die, I'd consent to donation as I'd want other children to be able to live - I just can't bring myself to consent in advance as the thought of losing my baby is too much to bear.

I used to be funny about eyes, and had ticked all the boxes on the organ donation form except corneas as it weirded me out. Then I thought about it more fully and realised if I don't need my liver when I'm dead, I probably won't need my eyes either...

YABU.

You will be dead. You know how you felt before you were born? It will be like that.

Up to you how you feel, however, wouldn't you rather part of you carried on helping someone, rather it was slowly eaten away.

I think if you was ever going need to an organ maybe like me im the future, finding out i have kidney disease at age 27, you would know doubt change your mind about this. Also my son has it and he may need one in the future. Would you think about all the people who could have donated to save a childs life??

I signed up for organ donation the day I could. And I donate blood as often as I can, and considering how hard it is for them to find my veins, I'd say that was quite the sacrifice.

If I don't need it and someone else can benefit from it, then I am more than happy to give it. I won't however, donate a kidney to just anyone. I wouldn't be able to cope if I found out later that someone in my family needed it and I couldn't give it to them.

I'd like to donate bone marrow but I have a very low pain threashold and it terrifies me. Anyone got any experience of that and can reassure me?

I always regret posting on these threads because some of the language used is very hurtful.

It's an important issue that I'm very passionate about though.

My son died a lot of years ago now. The circumstances around his death meant that I was able to donate his organs.

My feelings were that if I could have stopped one more person feeling like I did then I would do it.

The process was as good as it could be. I took photos of my son in and someone who was going to be in the theatre sat with me and looked through them and listened to my stories of him and didn't rush me at all. She didn't make me feel stupid when I asked her to hold his hand in the theatre, she didn't make me feel stupid when I asked them to play certain music either. The surgeon himself came and gave me a hug and thanked me and my boy.

The days after were awful but not because of his organs being donated, it's because he was gone.

My daughter died a few years later him and I wasn't able to donate her organs. I can honestly say the pain was no different, I wasn't thanking myself that she still had her organs as I was at her funeral, she was still gone.

I got a letter some time after my sons organs were donated telling me vague details of recipients. There were a few lives that were saved or vastly improved because eof my sons gift. How could that ever be wrong?

Now it's not something I think about. I have no interest in contacting people involved.

The organ donation made no difference to my life, my boy was gone, I was devastated anyway, but it made a massive difference to a few other people, their families, their futures.

I understand being squeamish about it, but the process is very respectful.

I used to feel like you OP - just had a really uneasy feeling about being cut up and spread around after I die. But then after having a really bad, work-related "accident" where I "died" twice and almost lost my right leg, the thought of actually dying seemed a lot more "oh well, I'm dead". That sounds morbid, but the only thing I remember about that time is feeling really in pain and scared one minute, then completely calm and pain free the next, as if my body wasn't mine - found out later that I was being resuscitated at the time So now I just think that I'm going to be dead, I don't need my body any more. Those organs could save multiple lives rather than be burned along with my body and scattered somewhere picturesque! And to be fair, I've been cut up enough during my life, so a bit more chopping once I'm dead won't make that much difference!

I absolutely hate and am squicked out at the idea of my organs being removed, even post death.

I do think it is the 'right' thing to do, so I am on the organ donor register thing, and have told my partner my wishes.

The idea still horrifies me. i just try not to think about it mainly, and it's fairly unique in things to be in denial about as I know I won't ever have to face it. (Because I won't be there if/when it happens).