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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH and football every Sunday

210 replies

BorisMcBoakface · 04/09/2016 13:58

Really interested in opinions on whether I am being U.

DH and I both work FT (I am about to go back after mat leave in 3 weeks time). We have a 3yo and an 8mo and while we both adore them, we are older parents and we both admit that we sometimes find parenting frustrating and exhausting, particularly this bit with the baby needs and the toddler discipline stuff.

The issue is that my DH manages a football team every Sunday, from 12ish to 6ish. He does this every single Sunday, except for a few bank holidays and an eight week gap in the summer. That means I am in sole charge of both kids for most of the day every Sunday, and it's starting to piss me off. I do arrange stuff with friends most weekends, but it just doesn't feel very fair. I would love six hours every weekend to do anything I like!

I know I could theoretically announce I'm going to bugger off for six hours every Saturday, say, but I don't want to do that - I want the kids to have at least some family time/days out with all 4 of us together.

DH is adamant that the football team is his one passion, and he shouldn't be made to give it up.

What would you do about this? Can anyone suggest a compromise? It's causing an increasing no of rows between us.

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 18:08

All hands on deck could be each parent taking one child.

He wants ti be AWAY from his children, nit have aline time with them.

What absolutely disingenuous shite to pretend this is about a motger refusing to let a father spend time with his children.

CedricSydneySneer · 04/09/2016 18:18

I know, I doubt the op would bat an eyelid if he was taking the dc to play football themselves, or bike riding, or swimming each Sunday, she'd probably even clean the house and cook them lunch.

He's leaving her to do all of it.

rookiemere · 04/09/2016 18:22

There's a huge difference between one parent having a hobby that uses up say one evening a week and the occasional weekend - say once or twice every couple of months, and a hobby that takes up pretty much every single Sunday. It's really disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

Particularly so when both parents work F/t so it's not as if OP even has the chance for a more relaxed non working day during the week. Oh and wait until the DC start having weekend clubs of their own and get invited to parties - OP's duty to sort all the Sunday stuff out herself as well? What happens if the two of them need to be in a different place on a Sunday afternoon - does the DH's football commitment still trump everything then?

So it seems it is OP's duty to sod off on a Saturday - I think whilst she does it it's only fair to leave DH in charge of supermarket shopping and cleaning the house - this could be a super bonding opportunity. Poor old DH denied the opportunity to spend quality time with his DC Hmm.

Floisme · 04/09/2016 18:49

Love the way this has been turned into a thread about a man denied quality time with his children Grin

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 18:52

Women are such bitches.

If they're not forcing men to give up their beloved hobbies they're preventing them from having relationships with their own children.

When men are in charge, things will be so different.

Original poster
BorisMcBoakface · 04/09/2016 18:54

So sorry I haven't posted in ages. I've obviously been parenting full-tilt all afternoon - baby now in bed and DH home and putting 3yo to bed, so I finally have a chance.

Thanks for so many very interesting perspectives - I will read them all when I get a chance.

Just to answer a few of the questions:
The reason he is out for so many hours is that when it's an away game, he might have to travel there for an hour (if it's away, we live in London), then wait for players to arrive, change, warm up etc, then game plus half time, then change after game, drink with team, then an hour home.
Sometimes it's a home game and that is more like 4 hours.
It's a proper FA League team and they play in the FA Cup etc; it's actually a women's team that he manages. Not a pub team.
To the many people who said 'Why didn't you discuss it before having children' - we most certainly did. I said I didn't think it would work and he gave it up for a while; he said because of DC on the way but I thought more because he was fed up with that team. He then started up a new team when I was pg with DC2.
He is very good at it and very passionate about it. I guess I agree with the poster who said that it all comes down to compatibility and how you want your family life to look. I'd like my kids to have days out with both parents; but I also am fed up that at this point, i.e. the coal face of parenting, that he is opting out. I do have things I'd like to do, e.g. sing in a choir, but I always thought it would be more appropriate when the kids are older...

Yes I could just say, 'Sod it' and bugger off and do this now, but I had children because I wanted to spend time with them - as much as working and paying the mortgage allows. I guess I hoped he wanted this too.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/09/2016 18:56

Women are such bitches Hmm. Speak for yourself Doin

Floisme · 04/09/2016 18:58

I think it's meant ironically, *Through"

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/09/2016 19:01

Yes, well. It's all getting a bit heated.

HermioneJeanGranger · 04/09/2016 19:05

Having a hobby doesn't mean he doesn't want time with his children, though!

You need to go and do your own thing sometimes. Sunday mornings, or a couple of evenings through the week. The fact that your kids are in bed at 7pm and it's "too easy" Hmm for DH is irrelevant. You can still go out and have your own time and he has to stay home and be "on duty".

I think six hours once a week is pretty reasonable. You've said yourself you could take the equivalent but are choosing not to. It's not fair to get resentful simply because you're not choosing to take your six hours.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 19:12

Take your six hours.

Take it.

Every week.

Otherwise you will never have any proper rest if you are working full time and being his childminder every Sunday.

You aren't going to have a family (with him anyway) that involves spending time together, so at least take your breaks and your space.

Madinche1sea · 04/09/2016 19:14

OP - I can definitely see why you would be resentful about the 6 hour block if you both work full-time because that's 1/4 if your weekend and a good time to have lunch or go out as a family.

The question is - would he be much help even if he was at home on that afternoon?

I think you should just let him get on with it tbh, but do something for yourself early Sat evening maybe. You don't need 6 hours. Just find something you enjoy and focus on yourself.

My DH is out of the house every Sunday morning 9-12 ish for rugby. During this time I have the (now scarily regular) treat of a visit from MIL who now lives down the road and comes specially to "help" me prepare Sunday lunch. Hmm This is alongside me trying to supervise 4 kids to begin / complete homework. To top off the morning, DH will often roll in for lunch with some random rugby team member who would appear to have nowhere better to go.

DH runs a kids club on Sat 3-4.30 which my two boys attend (kick boxing), but I've still got the girls who aren't interested / too young to join. If they have a competition they go all over the place and it could be most of the day.

He goes to his boxing club on Wed if he can get away from work / not travelling.

He runs at the crack of dawn most days and is often on some weird diet in preparation for the next "event".

Currently, he left on Thu to cycle London to Paris and is said to be returning tomorrow.

HOWEVER - I'm a SAHM and can now do things for myself in the week as all 4 kids are now at school. I don't think I could put up with all his sports and events if I was also working full time.

I do still find it odd that he probably works a 60-70 hour week but still manages to do more hobbies than me Confused

Iggi999 · 04/09/2016 19:17

She's not choosing to take the 6 hours as that would mean they had zero daytime time together as a family - so she's putting others first, as all good little women are taught to do from birth.

Original poster
BorisMcBoakface · 04/09/2016 19:17

I just wanted to clear up the notion that keeps being mentioned, that I have six hours available that I could take for myself but I 'choose not to'. This is not really true, to be honest. My DH is certainly NOT encouraging me to bugger off for six hours every Saturday - and if I did, I don't think he would be happy about it at all!

Some posters are talking as though it is my RESPONSIBILITY to take an equal amount of time to myself, even if that starts at 6am. And yes, I probably could abscond every Saturday or Sunday morning if I really wanted to make a point, but the problem is, I don't want family life to be a race to the bottom - who can do the least, who can absent themselves the most, who gets most time off. I just find that attitude a bit, well, depressing.

OP posts:
Original poster
BorisMcBoakface · 04/09/2016 19:18

But that said, I do kind of agree with the people who say maybe I should do it for a while just to make the point to him....

OP posts:
oblada · 04/09/2016 19:21

Just remembered: DH used to like playing cricket but he pretty much stopped when we had the kids (or soon into it anyway) simply because it was not practical for him to go play anymore as it would take all day during the cricket season. He did not make a fuss about it and I never asked him to stop but it seemed pretty obvious that with us working FT it was no longer possible. Potentially he will pick it back up in 5-10 years :)

SauvignonPlonker · 04/09/2016 19:21

Absolutely! And it still makes his hobby the starting point of how your weekends are defined. And the whole family.

He needs to do it less. End of.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 19:33

My DH is certainly NOT encouraging me to bugger off for six hours every Saturday - and if I did, I don't think he would be happy about it at all!

Perfect.

Then do it.

He thinks he is more important than you.

You probably can't fix that.

But you can refuse to allow yourself to be treates as second class and for your children to grow up see it.

HermioneJeanGranger · 04/09/2016 19:34

She could take six hours three evenings a week, though! Nobody is saying it has to be all at once.

Team sports will always involve commitment and an element of rigidity because it's a team thing. Solo hobbies are different because they don't have to fit around a team of people. It's disingenuous to say otherwise.

Having a regular hobby doesn't mean family life is a race to the bottom, either.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 19:36

Why wouldn't he be happy about it? Does he think caring for your children is more your job than it is his?

He is sounding less and less impressive by the post, OP.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 19:40

No chance.

Weekend daytime is the best time.

After a day at work youbare tired and it's a drag.

Plus you can't really get in to anything involved.

6 day time hours every week is unachievable in most households with such young children, but the man of the house gets to make the rules, and he says six hours per week of daytime hobby time is great.

Do it.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 04/09/2016 19:45

I can totally see why you're reluctant to be absent 6 hours every Saturday - I think you said you work FT so in that case you wouldn't be spending a great deal of time with them on a Saturday, and then you'd just have the one day on a Sunday. It might well make you less resentful of your dh in terms of parity, but you are losing out in terms of spending time with your children overall. You're in a difficult position (that being said, I think it's worth doing it for a few weeks to at least illustrate to your dh what your Sundays are like).

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 19:47

That's true, but think how annoying he'd find it if OP disappeared just before dinner time four evenings and week and came back after a lovely hour and a half in Starbucks, once the kids are all in bed 😂

Original poster
BorisMcBoakface · 04/09/2016 19:49

Just had a long chat with him about things. (We had a big barney before he left earlier.)

He has offered to do home games only and to take one of the kids sometimes. Said he thought about things a lot today after our row and felt that things were not fair on me currently. He even offered to give up altogether but I really don't want him to do that. The above seems enough of a compromise.

A happy ending I hope...

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 19:51

Yay! That's good news, OP. Great outcome.