About DH and football every Sunday

[BorisMcBoakface]

Really interested in opinions on whether I am being U.

DH and I both work FT (I am about to go back after mat leave in 3 weeks time). We have a 3yo and an 8mo and while we both adore them, we are older parents and we both admit that we sometimes find parenting frustrating and exhausting, particularly this bit with the baby needs and the toddler discipline stuff.

The issue is that my DH manages a football team every Sunday, from 12ish to 6ish. He does this every single Sunday, except for a few bank holidays and an eight week gap in the summer. That means I am in sole charge of both kids for most of the day every Sunday, and it's starting to piss me off. I do arrange stuff with friends most weekends, but it just doesn't feel very fair. I would love six hours every weekend to do anything I like!

I know I could theoretically announce I'm going to bugger off for six hours every Saturday, say, but I don't want to do that - I want the kids to have at least some family time/days out with all 4 of us together.

DH is adamant that the football team is his one passion, and he shouldn't be made to give it up.

What would you do about this? Can anyone suggest a compromise? It's causing an increasing no of rows between us.

An do find out why managing this football team takes quite so much time!

I really want to know if it's a youth or pub team.

So do I, particularly when it's seemingly a voluntary role and not self indulgent hedonistic activity.

It is every single week all winter long.

If you love your hobby so much that it defines you as a person and you are so inflexible that you can adjust the time you give to it at all to accommodste other respinsibilities, then don't have children.

You are too selfish.

And dull.

This is the All Hands on Deck period of parenting.
Exactly. This stage doesn't actually last that long but right now it's all consuming and one parent isn't pulling their weight.

Well that's your opinion Doin

Other people might not necessarily share it.

Hobbies are just for dullards

I've know a few Sunday leaguers in my time who were more hedonistic than ten Shaun Ryders.

He is forcing his wife to have a one day weekend every week, without her agreement.

Except she had kids with him while he was doing this and expressed no desire for him to stop until now and even says herself 'I would love six hours to myself' but choose not to ale it.

I would love to know how many times the op has actually taken the time to herself In the last 8 weeks.

Phillip we don't HAVE to be together and we're not always, but personally I wouldn't like me or dh to commit to something that took up a chunk of every weekend.

I'd be interested to know if he's coaching kids or if this is a pub team.

I'm interested to know why it takes 6 hours.

I'd be interested to see what would happen if the op went out alone for 6 hours each Saturday.

Everyone's different but it seems a bit unfair on op as she's lumbered with the dc every Sunday and has no choice.

OP would he actually mind if you went out for 6 hours on Saturdays? Have you asked him?

It's weird how it is this man's wife that would be responsible for his Sundays being a bit different after having two children.

It's not his choice to completely change his life by committing to such huge shared respinsibility.

Oh no.

The children are her responsibility.

She must make all the adjustments.

Any request that he adapt even slightly is the nasty woman being unreasonable.

Possibly even "controlling".

Because expecting to get a say in whether you spend every Sunday doing childcare is controlling in a woman.

Men get to be controlling by keepi g all the money and smashing the house up.

Hobbies are fine

But six hours out of one of only two days is not fine.

I think a couple of hours in the morning or one or two evenings a week is great but this is a massive chunk of time and obviously will impact on family life!

OP; YANBU!

It is not dull to have a hobby, quite the opposite, in my opinion.

So if it's so unacceptable to impact on "family time" surely you'd discuss existing hobbies and their impact before parenthood?

I think you are being unreasonable, yes. I would really resent any partner that tried to stop me doing something I loved for a few hours at the weekend. It would be a deal-breaker for me, on principle alone.

Obviously if there was a specific reason why the kids needed me at that time (the two separate parties example, for instance) then they would come first, but otherwise, I'm a strong advocate for people having their own hobbies and their own time within a healthy relationship.

If I were you I would speak to him about how difficult you find it taking care of the kids alone for so long every Sunday. Just don't approach it in a way that says "I want you to give up the hobby that you love". If he's a reasonable guy, he should be eager to look for a compromise.

Op has said she could go out on Saturday nights but the kids go to sleep at 7 so it would be too easy for him.
Comes across as very bitter.

I think I would kill myself laughing if my dh suggested he was taking up a hobby that would take up a full weekend day.

Bitter and resentful.

Phillip: But before the children came along, that time was 'me' time by default for both of them. Now it's only the OP who gets no 'me' time, unless she is prepared to take it on a Saturday and have no family time, which is what I would do, or insist on her DH finding childcare for Sunday, which I might also do.

but personally I wouldn't like me or dh to commit to something that took up a chunk of every weekend.

As you have point out, that's how you personally feel. Not everyone feels like that.

Like I have said several times. Neither is wrong or right. It's a compatibility issue. I am just stunned that they had two kids and neither talked about this sort of thing or their expectations.

I was always really clear to dh, my hobby wasn't going anywhere. His hobby has a legal requirement of him doing a certain amount of hours a year. So sometimes his hobby has to be prioritised. But this was the type of thing we discussed before having kids.

For me it comes down to this.

Parenting is 50/50, it's a shared responsibility.

Is he sharing the responsibility equally?

He's taking the piss OP. I had similar (but not quite to the extent of your DH) with my own DH, but he also worked away during the week for some of the time.

After much highlighting how much pressure it put me under and how little time we had together, we finally reached a compromise (he would only play every other week).

DH does still play football but there's more games during the week, after work and the weekend games are less than before as he changed leagues and teams 2 seasons ago. He gets to play now more than ever, plus the DC are older and want to do less family outing type stuff anyway.

OP - while you have said you want some family time so don't feel you can take time to yourself on a Saturday, I think you've got to do it to force him to see what he's doing. Assuming out 12-6 means you prep lunch and dinner for both DCs alone, feed them and clean up, as well as entertain them in between for the afternoon. Basically, the harder bits of the day...

I would say every Saturday until November, you find something to do that takes you out of the house missing lunch and dinner time.

See if he then "gets" that it's hard work to be on your own with them for the day. See if he misses never being able to arrange to go see anyone or do anything as a family.

The fact he only manages the team and isn't actually playing does swing it for me. Another year when your eldest is 4, they might well want to start playing sports on weekends, he can get over involved in their clubs instead...

I did say it comes down to compatibility.

Although if op decides they're incomparable and they separate he have to rethink his arrangements.