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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH and football every Sunday

210 replies

BorisMcBoakface · 04/09/2016 13:58

Really interested in opinions on whether I am being U.

DH and I both work FT (I am about to go back after mat leave in 3 weeks time). We have a 3yo and an 8mo and while we both adore them, we are older parents and we both admit that we sometimes find parenting frustrating and exhausting, particularly this bit with the baby needs and the toddler discipline stuff.

The issue is that my DH manages a football team every Sunday, from 12ish to 6ish. He does this every single Sunday, except for a few bank holidays and an eight week gap in the summer. That means I am in sole charge of both kids for most of the day every Sunday, and it's starting to piss me off. I do arrange stuff with friends most weekends, but it just doesn't feel very fair. I would love six hours every weekend to do anything I like!

I know I could theoretically announce I'm going to bugger off for six hours every Saturday, say, but I don't want to do that - I want the kids to have at least some family time/days out with all 4 of us together.

DH is adamant that the football team is his one passion, and he shouldn't be made to give it up.

What would you do about this? Can anyone suggest a compromise? It's causing an increasing no of rows between us.

OP posts:
SauvignonPlonker · 04/09/2016 16:05

A lot depends on if OP's DH pulls his weight during the week, with childcare & household stuff.

That said, I'd be pretty pissed off at being the "childcare option"every single sodding weekend for the majority of the year - fuck that! It would limit my options considerably about how I spent my weekends. Why is his hobby more important than anything else?

OP, you said you'd love 6 hours to yourself every weekend, so do it. He'll soon understand the joy of having 2 young kids on his own for a big chunk of the weekend. Or HE can organise childcare.

I would ask him to think about splitting his commitments to fortnightly, or 3 hours on a Sunday instead of 6.

And you shouldn't need to get a hobby in order to have a break from family life.

phillipp · 04/09/2016 16:06

Now it's only the OP who gets no 'me' time, unless she is prepared to take it on a Saturday and have no family time, which is what I would do, or insist on her DH finding childcare for Sunday, which I might also do.

she says very clearly in the OP that she could but choose not to. She has week nights, Saturday and Sunday morning.

And again it would be interesting to know how many times she has done it while he has been off his hobby. So she could go out for 6 hours and still have all day Saturday as family time.

Men get to be controlling by keepi g all the money and smashing the house up.

I honestly don't get this comment, op works, never mentioned he keeps all her money or smashes the house up. Or did I miss something?

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 16:06

Well the kids are here now. So even if it wasn't discussed previously there's no reason his 6 hour Sunday football sessions should be accepted as sacrosanct.

phillipp · 04/09/2016 16:06

Although if op decides they're incomparable and they separate he have to rethink his arrangements.

and so will she

CedricSydneySneer · 04/09/2016 16:07

My guess would be that if op started going out alone every Saturday from 12-6 he'd be unimpressed.

I'd love to hear how that worked out.

Muskateersmummy · 04/09/2016 16:07

For me this one is about finding a way that makes you both happy. Dh has a hobby that takes him away from the family a lot. But he has done it from being a child so I would never dream of telling him he shouldn't. I don't have a hobby, I'm more happy spending time with dd and dh. So for us it works fine on the basis that if I want time out, he doesn't object at all.

In your situation i would keep Saturday as family day. But split Sunday in half. You have the morning to yourself to do whatever, and he takes charge of the kids. Even if that simply means a lie in, breakfast in peace and reading a book, he is in charge of the kids. Then you take over for him to go to footie.

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 04/09/2016 16:07

If they separate why would he have to re-think his hobby? Surely he just wouldnt have the children between 12-6 on a Sunday in the winter? Or he would arrange childcare for them. He could arrange childcare now, has the op asked him?

BigTroubleInLittleChina · 04/09/2016 16:09

Reduce your work days to 4 but keep the kids in school/nursery - THIS is your time!

GirlOutNumbered · 04/09/2016 16:10

My DH just finished managing a team. I moaned about it for 3 years.

I wouldn't have been so bothered, but he complained about it to! So much nicer now we can go away at weekends and spend more time together.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 16:10

Philipp: But it is not unreasonable to want to keep some time over the weekend for both parents to spend with the children and together. Weekday evenings aren't a substitute for that. You can't go to a castle or a museum or the beach on a Thursday night. As I say, I would say sod it and go out anyway, but I can see why she does not want to do that.

The problem is that the DP will brook no argument about his hobby, which means he dictates how the OP spends her Sunday virtually every week. When you have small children, that is an unfair burden to place on the other parent.

SauvignonPlonker · 04/09/2016 16:11

Why should OP reorganise her working week & career to facilitate his hobby??? Why does everything have to evolve around his bloody football?

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 16:12

"Surely he just wouldnt have the children between 12-6 on a Sunday in the winter."

Who would have them then? Oh, right, the default parent Hmm

CedricSydneySneer · 04/09/2016 16:13

Exactly, perhaps HE'D be a resident parent, would he be able to find childcare every Sunday?

ilovesooty · 04/09/2016 16:13

They could go to castles and beaches etc on Saturday, and on the 8 summer Sundays he doesn't manage the team.

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 04/09/2016 16:13

Or, as I said, he would arrange childcare, whether he paid for it or used a grandparent etc. Surely that is obvious?!

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 16:14

Hobbies are like travelling.

Things that dull people think make them interesting.

There's nothing inherently interesting about spending 6 hours every single week "managing" a sports team.

I think people who are generally inflexible and resistant to change embrace "hobbies"

They always seem to involve doing things at set times and never ever changing anything.

Most adults have interests and pastimes.

But hobbies are a different class of thing.

Like a job. Except the pay is self-importance.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 16:15

"You have the morning to yourself to do whatever, and he takes charge of the kids."

In order for this to be in any way fair, the OP would have to be out of bed at the crack of dawn. Why should her only time to herself be before it's even light while her husband gets to insist that she provides sole childcare for the bulk of the day?

A compromise whereby he finds a co-manager and is home on a Sunday every other week is the fair outcome here, not the OP diving out of the house at 6am!

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 04/09/2016 16:15

Our childminder works Sundays. It's not EVERY SUNDAY though is it? He has 2 months off in the summer as well as various other Sundays.

DinosaursRoar · 04/09/2016 16:15

oh and DoinItFine - I agree, if the OP's DH has always been out for the bulk of Sundays, I bet she had her own routine of thing she did on her 'alone time' that she's had to sacrifice so he can continue to have every Sunday to himself.

A sports commitment is not hte only valid way to spend free time. The OP has clearly given up her Sundays so that her DH doesn't have to change his for 3 years.

ilovesooty · 04/09/2016 16:17

You might not find managing a sports team inherently interesting Doin

That's just your perception.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 16:17

Sooty: Obviously, but when does the OP get a weekly day to herself (or the best part of it) for the other 44 weeks of the year?

The point here is that her husband, by booking every Sunday in advance in perpetuity without his wife's agreement, is forcing her to provide sole childcare.

phillipp · 04/09/2016 16:17

Who would have them then? Oh, right, the default parent

It would depend. If she wanted to do something every Saturday, they may make an arrangement like that.

It's beyond odd that people are discussing custody arrangements when the op has said she is leaving him or anything of the sort. Nor do any of us know enough about the situation to decide what's a good custody arrangement for them.

Everything changes when you split. Do people live their lives thinking 'how would this work if we split up?'

CedricSydneySneer · 04/09/2016 16:19

Phillip no, but it shows that he's taking advantage of his wife to provide childcare when she doesn't want to do it alone.

CedricSydneySneer · 04/09/2016 16:20

That's the point, she doesn't want to care for the children alone every Sunday. Why should she have to and he doesn't?

ilovesooty · 04/09/2016 16:20

So trifle if this is such a big issue you'd think it would be discussed before committing to parenthood. He already had this hobby - what did the two of them think would happen?

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