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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH and football every Sunday

210 replies

BorisMcBoakface · 04/09/2016 13:58

Really interested in opinions on whether I am being U.

DH and I both work FT (I am about to go back after mat leave in 3 weeks time). We have a 3yo and an 8mo and while we both adore them, we are older parents and we both admit that we sometimes find parenting frustrating and exhausting, particularly this bit with the baby needs and the toddler discipline stuff.

The issue is that my DH manages a football team every Sunday, from 12ish to 6ish. He does this every single Sunday, except for a few bank holidays and an eight week gap in the summer. That means I am in sole charge of both kids for most of the day every Sunday, and it's starting to piss me off. I do arrange stuff with friends most weekends, but it just doesn't feel very fair. I would love six hours every weekend to do anything I like!

I know I could theoretically announce I'm going to bugger off for six hours every Saturday, say, but I don't want to do that - I want the kids to have at least some family time/days out with all 4 of us together.

DH is adamant that the football team is his one passion, and he shouldn't be made to give it up.

What would you do about this? Can anyone suggest a compromise? It's causing an increasing no of rows between us.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 04/09/2016 16:51

It's menz stuff innit. Therefore more important than anything wimmin do.
Weekends need to include time alone, time together as couple, time with children, time with children separately, time on household stuff, time to visit relatives... Obviously any one weekend cannot contain all of that, but why should one out of the list take priority every single bloody weekend?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 04/09/2016 16:53

He's taking the piss.

DH and I both have hobbies which are important to us. But the time they take up has to work for all of us as a family. That means sometimes one of us gets more, or less, or none at all if there are other things going on.

Six hours on a Sunday, every Sunday, when you've told him it's not working for you all, is just bloody selfish.

oblada · 04/09/2016 16:57

It does not really matter if you are being U or not. You are not happy with the arrangement. It is something that can be changed. Both of you are parents and need to take equal share of responsibilities in this parenting malarky and therefore something needs to change.

He can find someone to share the coaching with to make it every other week-end or take a back step for a few years. I used to go badminton but stopped because the timing of it (in the local club and nothing else was a reasonable distance away) was just too difficult for the kids as it meant I would come home for dinner and bugger off again without settling them for bed, which, since I bf, was a bit unfair on my DH (though he never complained). I have found other things to do and will go back to badminton a few years I expect. I also used to do dog agility and stopped for the same reasons... And my DH reduced his archery sessions and found ways to practice more at home...

Coaching a football team is not something that he will not be able to do in a few years' time so this can take a back step for the time being, it is only fair.

I would definitely not be happy with my week-ends being dictated every single week-end in that way...

scallopsrgreat · 04/09/2016 16:59

Excellent posts by Doinitfine and Bunty.

Amazing isn't it how encroachment or suggestion that men shou,d have to alter their lives to accommodate children is seen as unreasonable.

My, how the other half get to live.

Didiusfalco · 04/09/2016 17:01

I think Sea might be right that you need to take your 6 hours so he appreciates what it feels like.

I don't think this is going to become less of an issue when you're back at work and more tired. It's bloody hard work being full time and managing kids, I would see your current arrangement as him being selfish and would be pretty resentful. It's not about having no hobbies but himaccepting that your life has changed and you need to make adjustments.

pinkyredrose · 04/09/2016 17:02

Shouldn't his wife and children be his 'one big passion'?

43percentburnt · 04/09/2016 17:04

Id take 12-6 every Saturday to partake in something new - a Saturday class at college for example. Let him prep lunch, dinner and take care of the children. At the moment he doesn't have to compromise as he knows you want family time on a Saturday.

Tbh I never dated anyone into sport and this is why - far too high up the priority list. Why can't he manage a week night team once a week? Surely they exist and require management.

JudyCoolibar · 04/09/2016 17:06

personally I'd find having to spend the whole weekend "as a unit" claustrophobic and stifling

I doubt that that is what OP is suggesting. The point is that, with a 3 year old and baby, it's hard work, and when you're also working during the week, you don't want to be completely shut out of any opportunity to do things together on a Sunday. It's useless saying "it's only 6 hours": realistically what you can achieve before 12 and after 6 is limited, and I bet it often stretches beyond that when there's a pressing invitation for a drink after the game.

OP, you DH is adamant that he shouldn't be "made to give it up". There's a case for saying you shouldn't be made to give up your sleep at night, or your ability to go out of the house without a child in tow, but obviously when you decided to have children you decided to suck all that up. I would have thought he should at the very least offer a compromise whereby he's only out something like every other Sunday - after all, surely it could only be beneficial if someone else starts to develop coaching and management skills? In a few years' time when the children are more independent, and maybe will enjoy going to football with him, he can always revert to spending more time there.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/09/2016 17:11

Still not sure how managing the team can take from 12 until 6 unless the ground is two hours away, or there is four hours of socialising involved on top of the football. He is being very selfish in my opinion.

OP you don't have to absent yourself or take up a hobby on a Saturday; just spend a few Saturday's reading, watching box sets and or generally pottering and insist he does every bit of the childcare and chores while you do nothing. It might get your point over.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 17:12

What do you mean it's not comparable to managing a team? It's perfectly comparable. It is an activity I like to enjoy that doesn't involve looking after my children, which is what is relevant here.

Bestthingever · 04/09/2016 17:12

Haven't RTWFT Op but I don't think I really need to. Your dh seems to be taking the piss. My df did the same to my mum when we were little, managing a team and being gone all Saturday. I remember us being stuck at home as he'd take the car. He eventually resigned. Having such a commitment is just not compatible with having a young family. Btw not all men are so selfish. The father of dd's best friend gave up managing his team when they had another baby. He said it wasn't fair on his wife. He's now managing his ds's team 😄.

WinterIsHereJon · 04/09/2016 17:15

Sunday 12-6 seems an unusual time for football. DP plays Sunday league and kick-off is always 10/10.30 (can't remember which!!). Even if he goes for a pint afterwards he's home for Sunday lunch. Surely in the winter it's dark when he finishes Confused

TendonQueen · 04/09/2016 17:16

He needs to find a co-manager. Every other week is more like it, every Sunday is not on. If he won't consider it then OP 'taking' Saturdays is the best way of making the point. Though she could also ask him if in the event of divorce he'd be telling the family court that he can't ever see his kids on Sundays as his football team comes first.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/09/2016 17:20

He needs to find a co-manager.

There's usually two of them running a team.

WindPowerRanger · 04/09/2016 17:22

Actually, if I were the OP I would take Sunday mornings 7-12 to myself. Let the DH have the children and get ready for his afternoon with them in tow. Turn up to the football club to pick them up.

junebirthdaygirl · 04/09/2016 17:24

The way l see it ye are first and foremost in a relationship and the nature of that is wanting the other person to be happy. This is the most difficult period with small kids but having a dad who has hobbies and interests is a good role model for your children as they grow. I have a friend whose dh has been hugely involved in sport for years. It seemed unfair at times but as dc grew they got involved too. They went with him and it has been a huge bonding thing with their df. She ended up with lots of free time. And her family is a very happy one. I would look at the long term picture.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 17:26

June: But that works both ways. The OP isn't happy. Her DH is refusing to lift a finger to change that.

MuttsNutts · 04/09/2016 17:28

What does he do for 6 hours would be my question. A full match is only 90 minutes, add in a warm up and travelling time for away games (maybe half hour each way for us) and that's about 3 hours.

What does he do for the other 3 hours? If he heads to the pub after the match leaving you home alone with the DC he is being selfish and U.

And as a previous poster said, that is a very odd time for sunday league football - it starts getting dark around 3pm in the winter.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 17:30

Having a Dad who doesn't think your mother is your default parent is a far better role model than one who is always out of the house being impirtant and pleasing himself.

Floisme · 04/09/2016 17:43

I agree there can be benefits later on. Football really helped me keep a bond going with my son when he was growing up.

The key words are 'later on.' Right now these parents have two tiny children and, until that changes - which it will, this stage doesn't last forever - they both need to pull their weight.

rookiemere · 04/09/2016 17:55

How long has he been doing this for? ( Apologies if this is mentioned up thread - I did skim read but didn't see it)

IMHO it's a bit late to be talking about it now. The time to discuss it was before birth of first DC or more definitely before conception of 2nd DC.

Thoughts are that it's a very long time - does he need to be there for all 6 hrs? Surely games are 90 mins maximum, add in hour for coaching - it doesn't come out as more than 3 hrs which is a much more reasonable chunk of time for a parent with a young family.

For those saying that he should be able to have hobbies - well of course he should, but 6 hrs every single sodding Sunday seems quite a lot for them.

OP if he can't/won't reduce his commitments then I'd suggest that you do need to develop an all day Saturday thing to do. Even if that is wandering round the shops and sipping the occasional coffee. He might understand your pov a bit more once he's had sole custody of your two DCs for a few Saturdays. Or - if he doesn't, he might have an increased appreciation of their wonderfulness and want to spend some family time together.

sirfredfredgeorge · 04/09/2016 17:58

I have another big problem with a parent who won't spend many hours away from their kids regularly - it denies the other parent any time alone with them. It's horrible, this "we must be a family unit", completely blocks the relationship of the other parent and the kids, they don't get to have their own jokes, their own routines, their own way of having fun.

The parent who doesn't go off and do their own thing for a few hours at a time is being selfish, particularly as the "all hands on deck" approach to parenting often increases the stress rather than decreasing it - making it a continous low level effort rather than mixtures of relaxing times and slightly harder.

And yes, if someones hobby is lounging on the sofa watching boxsets, then the other parent can easily accomodate that by taking them out of the house for a few hours!

sirfredfredgeorge · 04/09/2016 17:59

And a football game is almost 2 hours even before warm-ups and getting the pitch organised and stuff is included, it's 2x45 minutes + injury time + 15 minutes half time, so stop saying 90 minutes!

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 18:01

It's horrible, this "we must be a family unit", completely blocks the relationship of the other parent and the kids

Awww yeah, poor OP's husband. He's being treated so badly.

MuttsNutts · 04/09/2016 18:04

Sunday league does not have 15 minutes half time, barely any injury time and half hour warm up tops.

I should know, I've been going for long enough!

6 hours is a ridiculously long time for one match.