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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH and football every Sunday

210 replies

BorisMcBoakface · 04/09/2016 13:58

Really interested in opinions on whether I am being U.

DH and I both work FT (I am about to go back after mat leave in 3 weeks time). We have a 3yo and an 8mo and while we both adore them, we are older parents and we both admit that we sometimes find parenting frustrating and exhausting, particularly this bit with the baby needs and the toddler discipline stuff.

The issue is that my DH manages a football team every Sunday, from 12ish to 6ish. He does this every single Sunday, except for a few bank holidays and an eight week gap in the summer. That means I am in sole charge of both kids for most of the day every Sunday, and it's starting to piss me off. I do arrange stuff with friends most weekends, but it just doesn't feel very fair. I would love six hours every weekend to do anything I like!

I know I could theoretically announce I'm going to bugger off for six hours every Saturday, say, but I don't want to do that - I want the kids to have at least some family time/days out with all 4 of us together.

DH is adamant that the football team is his one passion, and he shouldn't be made to give it up.

What would you do about this? Can anyone suggest a compromise? It's causing an increasing no of rows between us.

OP posts:
BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 14:57

This is all very anti-men sexist

Oh do shut up.

It's anti 'taking the piss by leaving your wife to look after the children every single Sunday while you're off having fun'.

FinallyARainbow · 04/09/2016 14:58

6 hours seems excessive. DH is captain of his Saturday team and is only away 9-12 which leaves us with most of the day together. His training is 2 nights a week but mainly 630-8 and DS in bed at 7 so he doesn't miss out on time together and it leaves some nights for me to go to the gym. The full day just seems a bit much.

FATEdestiny · 04/09/2016 14:59

Zero need for you to be so rude to be Bunty

BendydickCuminsnatch · 04/09/2016 15:00

Similar situation here. Thank God cricket season is almost over. DH gets paid for umpiring though. But still. Then Sunday is his only day 'off' (and mine, as a SAHM, if he's around I can ease off a bit theoretically) so he wants to do what he wants on Sundays Angry so they're always tense as I don't let him get away with that Grin

alfagirl73 · 04/09/2016 15:01

While it's important to still be able to enjoy one's hobbies, when it's to the detriment of your partner/children then it's just going to lead to resentment.

Is there anyone else involved in the football team who he could share management responsibilities with? Perhaps then he could do it every other Sunday as opposed to every single week, and the other person could cover if there is something family orientated you have planned? What happens to the football team if your husband is sick or if there was an emergency and he couldn't be there? Would someone cover or would it be cancelled?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/09/2016 15:04

Is it a Pub team or a youth set up?

We've been involved with football at a youth level for many years and we've never been out til 6, is he at the pub afterwards if it's a Pub team?

wheresthel1ght · 04/09/2016 15:07

I agree with destiny - if the man was bitching about a yoga or gym class he would be told he was a prick so why is it ok for the wide to whine? Sexist and selfish imo

I am also a guider, as of this coming Tuesday I will have been doing it for 20 years. I have reduced significantly my time involved over the last 3 years as I wanted to be with our dd. I start back as a unit guider on Tuesday. It will take up every Tuesday and some weekends. I told dp I was doing it and told him he would have to cover some childcare as and when needed. No issue what so ever.

He goes to the gym or cycling for hours on end whenever he wants. And it's not a problem.

It sounds like you have evenings and Saturdays to do what you want so stop finding excuses and start doing something. You cannot bitch that it is unfair that he continues with a long standing commitment and then refuse to take time that is available

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 15:08

And playing football a few evenings a week is far preferable imo to setting aside near enough an entire Sunday for your hobby.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 15:10

if the man was bitching about a yoga or gym class he would be told he was a prick so why is it ok for the wide to whine?

No one would be 'bitching' if he was spending two hours on a Sunday morning on his hobby. It's the fact it takes from 12pm - 6pm every single Sunday. Unfair on the OP.

stitchglitched · 04/09/2016 15:13

He is selfish to assume his life should be able to go on unchanged with two such tiny children. I know you say you don't want to sacrifice 'family time' by taking equal hours on a saturday but I really think you should, even just as a temporary measure. He needs to learn that you are not the default childcare and have a big chunk of time alone caring for the children, when they are awake, so he can appreciate what you have to do to facilitate his hobby.

Go to the gym, swimming, sit in a cafe with a book, anything just to prove the point that you are equally deserving of a break and he is equally responsible for his children.

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 04/09/2016 15:14

hmmm, I actually agree with FATE It is important to do things separately and together as a family, assuming that you have family time on a Saturday? My DH runs an under 10's football team and is out from 8-1 on Saturday and around 4 hours on a Sunday along with midweek training Tuesday and Thursday evenings. The start time varies on Sundays so it does make things difficult to plan. We have 4 DC aged between 3 and 11 and both work full time.

I help to run a local Brownie pack which can involve a week away at a time, I also have a gym membership. I wouldn't dream of him giving up the football as he is so passionate about it. I think that you need a hobby of your own, you also need time away from the children.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 15:16

It is important to do things separately and together as a family, assuming that you have family time on a Saturday?

So Saturday is family time. Sunday is DH time. When is the OP's time?

phillipp · 04/09/2016 15:16

Hmm I spend 6 hours a week at my hobby. No way would I give it up. Dh would give his up. Although for a long time, he didn't have a hobby. I still wouldn't have given mine up because he didn't have one.

I didn't change into a different person when I had kids. I think as long as both have the opportunity to have some time, it isn't a problem.

I also think that just because the OP doesn't want to take time to herself, it should stop her dh doing it.

Although tbh I can't believe these things are never mentioned or discussed before people have children. I was always clear my hobby wasn't going anywhere.

NapQueen · 04/09/2016 15:17

I'd be doing the following (if you want to keep Saturdays and family days)
1- lie in for you every Sunday until the time he needs to leave.
2 - at least two evenings a week where he does the childminder/nursery pick up bath and bed while you stay out - gym or a friends or the pub etc.

BabyGanoush · 04/09/2016 15:17

Not everyone wants to spend the whole weekend "as a family" (neither DH nor I do!).

If you go out for one morning or afternoon every weekend on your own, you still have plenty of time to hang out "as a family" in between him being away and you being away.

IME, the best thing to do is to regularly take some time off yourself as well, and spend the rest of the weekend together as a family.

personally I'd find having to spend the whole weekend "as a unit" claustrophobic and stifling.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 15:17

I suppose the OP could find a hobby that took place on weekday evenings. I'd imagine the kids would probably be in bed so that would make it nice and easy for DH.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 15:18

It must be shit to be the child of a parent who is so devoted to their hobby that weekends are all about facitating that hobby and you never, ever come first.

Imagine growing up never having famiky days out on a Sunday because your Dad was off doing his really important other thing that isn't work.

Ragwort · 04/09/2016 15:19

I often think in these threads the DW is saying that her DH should 'want' to be with his family rather than run his football team or whatever; the OP is saying she 'could' go out on a Saturday but would rather have 'family time'. Hmm

I have lots of volunteering interests and am grateful that my DH doesn't moan about how I spend my time, just as I don't complain about his hobbies (just wish he had a few more Grin).

Just start going out on a Saturday and finding some hobbies of your own.

Ragwort · 04/09/2016 15:21

personally I'd find having to spend the whole weekend "as a unit" claustrophobic and stifling

^^ Quite agree.

I grew up in a family where my Dad spent most of Sunday playing sport so we rarely had 'family time' (hate that expression). And now he is 85 and still playing sport and I am grateful that I am not having to look after a frail old man because he was lucky enough to be able to continue playing and enjoying sport Grin.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 15:22

Yes, it will be really wonderful for your children growing up with no memories of your family doing things together.

You could force the issue by making the "separate interests" thing a more permanent arrangement.

Then he'd have to figure something out on his weekends.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 15:23

Yes, the reason my Dad is unwell is because he actually liked his children. Hmm

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 04/09/2016 15:25

Yes we wouldn't like spending the entire weekend as a 'family unit' together either, neither would the kids, in all honesty. As the dc get older they will end up having their own commitments in which case spending the entire weekend as one unit won't be feasible.

The OP has Sunday until midday, 5 weekday evenings or, indeed, Saturdays if she so wishes to 'do her own thing'. Also I don't understand the need not to have a weekday evening participating in her own hobby because the Dc will be in bed and it will be 'too easy' for him! Surely the point is that she has a hobby, something to enjoy on her own and focus on?

iminshock · 04/09/2016 15:26

I think you need to accept it

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/09/2016 15:27

I think you need to accept it, too.

CedricSydneySneer · 04/09/2016 15:27

I always think these things come down to compatibility. One wants to be doing things outside the home, one wants family time. There's no point telling the one that wants family time to go out doing hobbies because she doesn't want to and if she took 6 hours out on Saturday that would be it, weekend gone.

Personally I wouldn't want my dh to spend 6 hours on a Sunday doing a hobby. I believe that you do have to make changes when your dc are young, it's not fair for one parent to end up propping up the others hobbies. She's not the default childcarer.

I also think it must be pretty shit for the dc.

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