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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH and football every Sunday

210 replies

BorisMcBoakface · 04/09/2016 13:58

Really interested in opinions on whether I am being U.

DH and I both work FT (I am about to go back after mat leave in 3 weeks time). We have a 3yo and an 8mo and while we both adore them, we are older parents and we both admit that we sometimes find parenting frustrating and exhausting, particularly this bit with the baby needs and the toddler discipline stuff.

The issue is that my DH manages a football team every Sunday, from 12ish to 6ish. He does this every single Sunday, except for a few bank holidays and an eight week gap in the summer. That means I am in sole charge of both kids for most of the day every Sunday, and it's starting to piss me off. I do arrange stuff with friends most weekends, but it just doesn't feel very fair. I would love six hours every weekend to do anything I like!

I know I could theoretically announce I'm going to bugger off for six hours every Saturday, say, but I don't want to do that - I want the kids to have at least some family time/days out with all 4 of us together.

DH is adamant that the football team is his one passion, and he shouldn't be made to give it up.

What would you do about this? Can anyone suggest a compromise? It's causing an increasing no of rows between us.

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 04/09/2016 16:21

I guess it depends on what you consider fair. I don't work on the principle of if you have an hour away from the family I have to have an hour away too. His hobby takes 6 hours, op might find she just needs an hour to herself.

Plus surely this is only during football season? Is it every weekend of the year?

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 16:21

Phillip: It's just illustrative, showing that he is taking his wife for granted as the default childcare option.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 16:22

Sooty: I think that's besides the point. He had as much of a responsibility to discuss that as she did before they had children. They didn't. That doesn't mean he gets to impose his version of how things should work on his wife when his version is clearly unequal. Things change.

phillipp · 04/09/2016 16:22

Phillip no, but it shows that he's taking advantage of his wife to provide childcare when she doesn't want to do it alone.

I am wondering what would happen if a posted said 'dh wants me to quit a hobby as he doesn't want to provide childcare alone'

Vintagegirl1 · 04/09/2016 16:23

Your dh won't change op. He believes he is entitled to do as he pleases. I had a similiar situation except it was going to inlays every sunday. It didn't matter what other plans either myself or dc had we still had to go. Dh I and have recently separated and one small victory is my being able to say that the kids will no longer be forced to go every sunday. Are you prepared to put up and shut up?

Floisme · 04/09/2016 16:23

Maybe they did discuss it. The op would hardly be the first person not to realise beforehand how all consuming a baby and toddler can be. The point is that right now, she's finding it a handful and she is asking for support from her husband and father of her children. Not forever, just for now.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 16:24

Phillip: If that hobby took 6 hours out of two days every weekend bar 8 per year and by default dictated to the other person how they were going to spend their weekend? If the hobby could not be reduced so it had less impact? I would say that was totally fair.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 16:26

He already had this hobby - what did the two of them think would happen?

So that means the OP has no right to object? Turn your question around, did he not think his lifestyle would change when he became a parent?

ivykaty44 · 04/09/2016 16:26

I really enjoy a sport and have taken it back up after bringing up DDs on my own.

Thing is as parent or parents life isn't all about us but about the dc to.

I now put my Sunday hobby first pretty much all the time - I can as my youngest is 18. My other interests take me out a couple of nights a week and my hobby extends to other times as well as Sundays.

My bf is also fitted in around me, he fits me around his season ticket!

We don't have dc though

I would just explain to your dh that the dc must come first at times and he is going to have to find an assistant to help out when he is on family duties. He needs to advertise for an assistant and get them trained up. Let him know if he doesn't then he will need to take the dc with him to football afternoons in a Sunday

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 16:27

As someone said further up thread having an 8 month old and a 3 year old is all hands on deck stage.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 16:28

She doesn't want him to quit his hobby.

She wants him to find a way to do his hobby half as much as he does now, so she can have some Sundays to accept invitations/make plans/chill out before a week of work.

What would people say if his hobby was reading books and he insisted it had to be done every single Sunday from noon to 6pm except for 8 Sundays in the summer?

And so she had to parent solo at those times no matter what, be ause he had been reading at that time for years and was not prepared to adjust just because of a trifling thing like reproducing??

DinosaursRoar · 04/09/2016 16:29

It is assuming the mother will be the one to default doing the care.

Before having DCs, this is a couple who worked Monday - Friday, spent Saturdays together and then on Sundays they spent the day apart doing their own things - after DCs, they still both work Monday - Friday, still spend Saturdays together, but now he still does his own thing on Sundays but she has had to fit the DCs around what she does on a Sunday.

It is interesting that it's assumed that whatever she used to do on Sundays is not valid because it's not a hobby - she's given that up, which is fine because hobbies are more important than whatever she'd like to do on a Sunday. He can't look after both DCs and do his hobby, so he can't be expected to change how he spends his Sunday to fit them in, but she is expected to change her Sundays to fit the DCs in.

Trifleorbust · 04/09/2016 16:29

Well said, DoInItFine. My hobbies are reading and watching bad TV. I don't get to put a whole day a week aside for those things when we have small children.

ilovesooty · 04/09/2016 16:31

Reading books is a solitary activity. It's not comparable to managing a team.

CedricSydneySneer · 04/09/2016 16:32

I agree with doin trifle and dinosaur before dc my Sunday hobby was watching box sets all day and having a nap. Why should that change, oh wait.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 16:32

Of course it's comparable. It's a past time that one does without the company of one's partner and kids.

SauvignonPlonker · 04/09/2016 16:33

For most people, things change when you have DC. The vast majority of couples I know have BOTH reduced their pre-DC commitments since having them.

So life changes for both of them. I know very few who have continued on exactly as before.

CedricSydneySneer · 04/09/2016 16:34

Swimming is solitary, it's still a hobby, I used to swim several times a week totally 6 hours pre dc.

YelloDraw · 04/09/2016 16:34

Well put DinosaursRoar

I do a hobby that takes me away from home for whole weekends in the summer. I don't have DC. Most people give up or significantly cut down on this hobby when they have DC.

Some men still carry on, coming away all weekend "oh Jane doesn't mind, and I keep telling her to have a weekend away but she won't" no you prick because she wants to do things as a family, not always separate.

ilovesooty · 04/09/2016 16:35

Of course it's not comparable. It involves other people.

I certainly think that it would be sensible to have a fellow manager to help with the responsibility and give him more flexibility though. I'm wondering who supervises team training.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 16:37

You're just being silly now. It is comparable. Any interest that takes a person away from their family for 6 hours is comparable.

SeaCabbage · 04/09/2016 16:38

Six hours every week is a lot and I feel for you OP.

Although you might not want to do it at first, I really think you should do something yourself every single Saturday from 12-6. I bet your husband has never thought of the impact it has on you.

Try it as an experiment, don't tell him that (!), and see how he likes it. See how you like it too. OK so you'll miss out on a few months of family time but hey, it might bring huge rewards. It could be of huge benefit to your family. Your resentment may disappear completely. And you must admit it will be hilarious to see your husband's face when you tell him about your new passion.

I have some sympathy for him as we all need a passion, but every Sunday he is taking the piss.

ilovesooty · 04/09/2016 16:40

Your perception Bunty
I don't agree with you but I'll refrain from suggesting you're silly

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 16:41

Thanks ever so!

CedricSydneySneer · 04/09/2016 16:42

As a realistic solution I suggest what seacabbage suggests.

I'd give it a month before he either asking op to give her new hobby up or he's more willing to reach a compromise.