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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH and football every Sunday

210 replies

BorisMcBoakface · 04/09/2016 13:58

Really interested in opinions on whether I am being U.

DH and I both work FT (I am about to go back after mat leave in 3 weeks time). We have a 3yo and an 8mo and while we both adore them, we are older parents and we both admit that we sometimes find parenting frustrating and exhausting, particularly this bit with the baby needs and the toddler discipline stuff.

The issue is that my DH manages a football team every Sunday, from 12ish to 6ish. He does this every single Sunday, except for a few bank holidays and an eight week gap in the summer. That means I am in sole charge of both kids for most of the day every Sunday, and it's starting to piss me off. I do arrange stuff with friends most weekends, but it just doesn't feel very fair. I would love six hours every weekend to do anything I like!

I know I could theoretically announce I'm going to bugger off for six hours every Saturday, say, but I don't want to do that - I want the kids to have at least some family time/days out with all 4 of us together.

DH is adamant that the football team is his one passion, and he shouldn't be made to give it up.

What would you do about this? Can anyone suggest a compromise? It's causing an increasing no of rows between us.

OP posts:
BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 15:28

Surely the point is that she has a hobby, something to enjoy on her own and focus on?

I thought the point was one family member's hobby not getting precedence over all else.

pullingmyhairout1 · 04/09/2016 15:29

I'd say something tbh and see if he'd compromise somewhere. My dp is semi-pro and even he makes sure we have time together. Football is incredibly important to him but he does appreciate that sometimes we just need to do things together.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 15:29

No, the point is they have two tiny children and he is taking 6 hours to himself when both of those children need to be cared for, which means their mother (aka Actual Parent) has to deal with them alone.

This is the All Hands on Deck period of parenting.

And one parent can't be arsed to do his share.

Shameful.

CedricSydneySneer · 04/09/2016 15:31

I agree if they separated what would he do then? He's taking advantage.

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 04/09/2016 15:32

The OP has already said that he has had the last 2 months 'off' because of the Summer break so the dc will have memories of 'family time' on Sundays. Although tbh as long as children have memories of family time on a Saturday or any day for that matter I don't see what difference it makes.

I am finding this post slightly offensive. How do single parents manage at the weekends?

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 15:33

I have hobbies. I have no intention of ever giving up these hobbies but I wouldn't expect my partner to look after the two very young kids every Sunday from 12 -6 while I indulged this. Every second Sunday perhaps.

Ragwort · 04/09/2016 15:34

The OP says I would love six hours every weekend to do anything I like! - so why doesn't she take this six hours every Saturday?

I agree with Cedric - it is about compatibility, some people want time alone to do their own thing, others think 'family time' is really important. Personally I know I am a better mum because I have plenty of time alone, either doing my voluntary work or just being alone - I couldn't bear to be all together all the time.

phillipp · 04/09/2016 15:35

Imagine growing up never having famiky days out on a Sunday because your Dad was off doing his really important other thing that isn't work.

For the love of God! My parents both had hobbies. Which was fine for everyone. We scheduled stuff around it. Maybe my upbringing was odd but I always saw my parents as people who interests outside our house.

Maybe that's why I get on with them so well now I am an adult.

Seriously do people have entire days or weekends, every week where everyone must be together? I would find that odd.

Dh is out all day today and me and the kids have a blast.

No one is wrong just different. Which is why I am shocked the the op and her dh have had 2 kids and never talked about this before now.

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 04/09/2016 15:35

Exactly! Take the 6 hours back on a Saturday. Then maybe the op wouldn't feel so resentful of her dhs hobby.

CedricSydneySneer · 04/09/2016 15:36

Well that's just it, what would he do if he was a single parent?

phillipp · 04/09/2016 15:37

I agree if they separated what would he do then? He's taking advantage.

Why do people post this? If they separate then their lives change forever. Both would have to make changes. That's quite obvious.

The op doesn't want to take time to herself. That's her choice. That doesn't mean it should be her husbands choice.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 15:38

Seriously do people have entire days or weekends, every week where everyone must be together? I would find that odd.

Odd that the OP would rather her partner spend the odd Sunday with her, their three year old and 8 month old rather than leaving her to do the parenting solo?

Thetruthfairy · 04/09/2016 15:38

Urgh.. Come on now.
Put yourself in the op's shoes. Would you really want to be the sole carer of 2 very young children every Sunday for that length of time? I know I wouldn't and I'm not an older parent. Op will burn out pretty quickly when she goes back to work if Saturday is the only full day of shared care.
In my opinion time away from dc's needs to be mutually agreed.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 15:39

She should definitely take the six hours back on Saturday.

6 hours of childcare for a baby and toddler every single Saturday with zero flexibility whatsoever will focus the mind.

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 04/09/2016 15:40

But he isn't a single parent. On the other hand if op were the single parent then I imagine that she would be doing a great deal more than 6 hours lone parenting at the weekends. The other option would be to employ a childminder for 6 hours on Sundays so that op and her DH can have 6 hours each to please themselves.

phillipp · 04/09/2016 15:41

Odd that the OP would rather her partner spend the odd Sunday with her, their three year old and 8 month old rather than leaving her to do the parenting solo?

That's not what I said.

I find it odd that people have entire weekends or even days where everyone has to be together.

I have two kids, I choose to take time for myself. For a long while dh chose not to. That didn't stop me doing it.

ilovesooty · 04/09/2016 15:41

I'm another who's astonished that this hasn't at any point been discussed. My parents also each had hobbies outside the home and we worked round it.
The OP has plenty of time to develop her own hobby if she wants to.

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 04/09/2016 15:41

She has spent the last 8 Sundays with him which amounts to more than just the 'odd one'.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 15:42

If they separate then their lives change forever. Both would have to make changes. That's quite obvious.

It's also obvious about having children in the first place.

While children are really small, it is absolutely shite to use your partner as weekend daytime childcare for 6 hours at a time every single week.

Shite.

ilovesooty · 04/09/2016 15:43

It's not every single week.

waterrat · 04/09/2016 15:43

I sympathise OP and my own dh plays football on Sundays. I have felt lonely and pissed off about it some days.

But in the end I decided it is reallt important that people keep fit and have their hobbies and passions.

Life can be relentless if it is all childcare and work. It's good to have other things to do that make you happy.

You are in the tough bit of raising kids...you have an under 1 year old which means you reallt are going to find it gets easier. The stage uou are in does not last.

Mine are 2 and 4 and a day with them is much much easier than it was a year ago.

Find things uou enjoy doing with them on the Sunday and I suggest find an evening class's ir something .

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 04/09/2016 15:44

6 hours of childcare for a baby and toddler every single Saturday with zero flexibility whatsoever will focus the mind.

Quite.

He's taking you for granted OP, his hobby clearly takes precedence. So you really should make yourself spend equal time on Saturday's doing something out of the house away from the three of them.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/09/2016 15:44

I think it's shite to be made to give up your hobby.

phillipp · 04/09/2016 15:44

While children are really small, it is absolutely shite to use your partner as weekend daytime childcare for 6 hours at a time every single week.

I disagree.

DoinItFine · 04/09/2016 15:45

I find it odd that people have entire weekends or even days where everyone has to be together.

That's some bullshit you invented.

6 hours of solo childcare for a baby and toddler is like a day's work.

He is forcing his wife to have a one day weekend every week, without her agreement.

Shit Dad, shit husband.