Am I being selfish as first time mum by asking this?

[user1466488499]

DS is 6 weeks old and it's been tough as I imagine it is for most first time mums. The sleep deprivation has been exhausting and I have been feeling very low and miserable about the whole motherhood thing.
I've switched from breast to giving my son formula at night as breastfeeding wasn't giving him enough. My DH does the night feeds at midnight and 3am which means I get rest until the 5/6am feed.
I'm drained, tired and DH doesn't return from work til 8pm so it's a long day for me at home with DS. I get a rest when DH covers at night. I've been a bit taken aback by my parents who say I should give my husband a rest when he gets home as he's the one who had to go to work. I would far rather go to work than be the stay at home person. AIBU for expecting my husband to do the night feeds to give me a rest. Am I being soft? Maybe I just need to suck up the crapness of motherhood and tough it out? What does everyone think? Thanks

*you have to go to work in the morning, if there is another parent who doesn't go to work.

He's the baby's parent too

DC1 can be a huge physical and emotional shock, and babycare can be relentless!

There's something about who is OK and who is not at any one time. If OP is struggling and her H managing, then great. Most difficult is obviously when both of you are fucked!

I did all feeds and night stuff for DC1 at first and found after a few months that the arrangement wasn't as it should be when looked at DH, he looked well and was nipping out for ten mile runs when I looked like awful and was hallucinating with exhaustion!

Do whatever works best.

When DS was a little one and BF'ing I was really lucky that DH would get up with me during the night feeds as he would be on nappy duty and than pass DS to me so I could feed him. DH would then generally roll over and doze but he obviously couldn't drift off to a deep sleep as I had the bedside lamp on and was shuffling around etc. When DS was going through his cluster feeding stages (usually feeding from 11pm until 2am most nights) my DH would sit up with me for company and to show a "united front". He said that DS was as much his baby as mine therefore he didn't see why I should get so little sleep whilst he slept through the night.

When DH came back from work he would cook us dinner and then I would go to bed for 2-3 hours whilst he looked after DS and then the cycle would begin again.

DH could see how exhausted I was and just wanted to help in whatever way he could.

Even now, DS is 2.5 years and on both Saturday and Sunday morning DH will take DS downstairs when he wakes at approximately 6am so I can have a lie-in and I stay in bed until about 9.30am.

It's all about finding a way that works and that both parents feel is fair. If both parties are happy then it's nobody else's business hoe things are shared out.

Congratulations on your baby

Oh bless you. Yes, it is exhausting. The first few months are truly awful in a lot of ways. My DD cluster fed from week 2 to week 10. Every night, 6pm til midnight. Then she'd be up through the night and I'd be left with her all day while DH went to work. It was horrendous and I feel your pain. In saying that, no, I didn't ask DH to get up as he really needs to be mentally sharp for his job. It depends on what your DH does for work really - can he do it if he is tired? DD is nearly 3 now and DH has still never been disturbed at night. I've been slightly shafted there but it's what worked for us. We're expecting DD2 in a few weeks and it will probably be the same arrangement. You are not being selfish or unreasonable to ask for help though. Sleep deprivation is torture. If your DH can realistically help out then make him do so.

Personally OH did the 11pm feed and I did all the others. There was no way I'd have him driving to work exhausted. On a friday night id get the night off in the spare room to recharge! Looking at the bigger picture though it does sound like pnd. I hope things pick up for you very soon!

It is such hard work when babies are so young. Especially your first. It's a shock. It will get easier, I promise. If your husband is ok, then all is fine. If not, always sleep when the baby sleeps in the day & perhaps do one of the night feeds? Make sure you get out in the day & meet up with other mums. You need all the support you can get x

I completely empathise with you - when ds was born I'd already gone a full 48 hours without sleep and he had a lip tie and wouldn't latch for the first 6 weeks or be put down AT ALL. DH slept for a lot of my labour and at the time was working nights but on a 5on/5off shift pattern, we had no family around and the only break I got was when he came home at 6am until 9ish. Dh went back to work 3 days after the birth and even on his days off he would sleep from 9pm until 11am the next day often so it wasn't 50/50 and I felt totally alone all the time. Because of the lip tie ds' feeds took a whole 2 hours so we only had an hour where he wasn't feeding before the next one was due and he never napped unless he was on me so I wore him the entire time. I had to use nipple shields so feeding outside of home felt too much and I didn't leave the house other than to go to the corner shop. I remember feeling worse than ever thinking that I was the only mum to not be out and about and because we didn't do NCT I didn't have a ready-made group of friends in the same boat. MN was the only support I had and without it I don't know if I would've sunk deeper into pnd than I did.

Not all babies nap, and you know if you're not coping - don't focus on it being fair or not fair, just go with whatever works for you. Don't feel you should be going out if you don't feel able to or if baby groups are not your thing, and do ask your HV for help if you're too tired to cope or you feel you might be depressed.

I remember with my first, people said "nap when he naps". Well he did not nap for prolonged periods! And if he did I was anxious and rushing round trying to keep some semblance of control of my house.

My mum said something similar to me, she also asked me 3 weeks postpartum if I'd had sex yet as husbands need attention. My section wound was leaking stale blood and I was still bleeding down there as if he would want to come near me!

My husband always did the late night feed and I got in bed early so we got one each. He preferred going to bed later than me anyway, still does.

We did the same. I was utterly exhausted and overwhelmed whe ds was tiny. DH is a night owl and did the midnight and middle of the night feed always. I then got up early morning with the first feed, some time between 5 and 6am but by then, I'd had enough sleep cos I'd have gone to bed at around 10pm. DH is a great sleeper and was able to go straight back to sleep after the feed. When I did the middle of the night feeds, it took me at least an hour to go back to sleep.

Whatever works for you is what's right for you. Please don't listen to your parents telling you this isn't fair. If your husband feels he's getting enough sleep too, then that's fine for you as a family. There's no one-size-fits-all formula for parenting.

PS You do sound overwhelmed, as was I. My very good friend gave me the much maligned on Mumsnet book The Contented Little Baby and I found it so so helpful. I didn't ever leave ds to cry (apart from the minute it might have taken him to fall asleep) but I found it helpful to establish some sort of a routine so I knew when I could hope he'd be asleep and I could have a shower, make some lunch etc.

Congratulations on your little son. It gets easier.