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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish as first time mum by asking this?

212 replies

user1466488499 · 02/09/2016 13:53

DS is 6 weeks old and it's been tough as I imagine it is for most first time mums. The sleep deprivation has been exhausting and I have been feeling very low and miserable about the whole motherhood thing.
I've switched from breast to giving my son formula at night as breastfeeding wasn't giving him enough. My DH does the night feeds at midnight and 3am which means I get rest until the 5/6am feed.
I'm drained, tired and DH doesn't return from work til 8pm so it's a long day for me at home with DS. I get a rest when DH covers at night. I've been a bit taken aback by my parents who say I should give my husband a rest when he gets home as he's the one who had to go to work. I would far rather go to work than be the stay at home person. AIBU for expecting my husband to do the night feeds to give me a rest. Am I being soft? Maybe I just need to suck up the crapness of motherhood and tough it out? What does everyone think? Thanks

OP posts:
Thegiantofillinois · 02/09/2016 18:02

I did all the night feeds with both dc(bf). Dh would wind them. I got to have weekend lie ins. It just wouldn't have been fair, especially as he had to drive on busy roads and stand up all day. Mind you, I was still up I n the night when I was back work. That damn near broke me

RebelRogue · 02/09/2016 18:18

Op how did these comment come about? Just randomly thrown in the conversation by your parents,or as a response to your OH moaning to them or you?

LittleSausageFingers · 02/09/2016 18:25

If it works for you, OP, then stick with it. I've just been there, DC is now 6.5mo, and the first 3 months are the hardest. Looking back, I felt pretty down around the 6 week point. I am EBF so did all the night feeds, when he went back to work my DH would stay in with us until the first feed (around midnight) and help to change, burp, settle, then go into the spare room until morning. Once I felt more confident and able (around 8 weeks) I did all night duties.

It also depends on which of you handles sleep deprivation better. I am much better on little sleep than my DH, so I'm better off doing the nights. I don't necessarily agree that you can sleep when baby naps. I've never been able to do this, no matter how tired I am. Plus i can't Hoover when baby Hoovers, or make lunch when baby makes lunch...

It does get easier. Just do what works for you, if you're both happy. Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure you're doing an amazing job Flowers

Oh, and I think going to work is way easier than staying at home with a baby!

coconutpie · 02/09/2016 18:25

Why do you think breastfeeding wasn't giving him enough? Because he was feeding a lot? That is totally normal and there is a huge growth spurt at 6 weeks. You have put in all the hard work at 6 weeks with breastfeeding - it gets far far easier from here on. Formula and all that goes with it will just add work for you. Can you co-sleep instead and continue breastfeeding? You'll get far more sleep then.

coconutpie · 02/09/2016 18:26

Oh and going to work is WAY easier than being at home with a baby!

Original poster
user1466488499 · 02/09/2016 18:30

It was DH who offered to do the night feeds - he can go back to sleep instantly and can survive on little sleep whereas I can't.
We both have similar jobs in the city in London. I'm missing the business lunches and drinks nights out that we get as part of doing our jobs. That's why I have no issue with DH doing nights feeds as he gets to do a job he enjoys and gets a nice lifestyle which involves nice restaurants etc

OP posts:
Original poster
user1466488499 · 02/09/2016 18:32

Baby wasn't getting enough from me as evidenced by howling in the evenings. At our wits end and utterly clueless we tried giving him a bottle of formula which he guzzled and has been significantly happier and more settled since

OP posts:
sentia · 02/09/2016 18:38

Honestly just do whatever works for both of you and ignore everyone else's opinion, those first six months are so tough.

DH didn't do any feeds at night but he worked from home so was around during the day while I was on mat leave and we shared all the other baby tasks other than feeds, plus he took a lot of the rest of the domestic load like cooking. He also (and this was crucial) took DD for a few hours every morning so I could sleep, which was just enough for me to stay sane.

I could not have done it all myself, it sucks the life out of you especially if you have a demanding baby.

coconutpie · 02/09/2016 18:54

Howling in the evenings does not indicate insufficient milk supply. It is normal for breastfed babies to be irritable in the evenings. It gets easier. 6 weeks is still when a baby is getting used to the world.

Pilgit · 02/09/2016 18:54

We did something similar. DH is usually late to bed so he'd do the feeds at 9 and midnight. I'd pick up at 6am (both DDs had odd feeding patterns.) It meant I got sleep.

It works for you and you're working as a team. Ignore stupid opinions!

Original poster
user1466488499 · 02/09/2016 19:01

Errrr well howling in the evenings which is only stopped by supplementing with formula leading to a calmer more settled baby implies to me that the baby was hungry and not fully satisfied despite spending up to an hour on the breast!

OP posts:
ineedwine99 · 02/09/2016 19:04

Not selfish at all, my baby is 3 weeks old, generally pretty good but i'm still finding it tough, I love her to pieces but sometimes think what the hell did i do having a baby?!
i look forward to her naps so much (so i can sometimes cry without her seeing) and my husband has her when he gets home, which he's happy to do.
Do whatever works for you both and whatever helps, it's tough being a mum. I'm praying we both feel better about it very soon! Flowers

Original poster
user1466488499 · 02/09/2016 19:06

Thanks for your honesty! I wonder what the heck did I do having a baby when it's so damned hard! And why did no-one tell me it was going to be so brutal!!! People don't talk about how tough it is having a newborn

OP posts:
gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 02/09/2016 19:07

If your parents are judging you about this and you are listening and caring, prepare yourself for 18 years of misery.

Seriously, who cares what they think?

I couldn't walk after one baby and people told me how lucky I was that DP hadn't left. I told them how lucky he was to have a baby and still be able to walk.

There will always be someone thinking men have a rough deal somehow and should be spoilt. At the end of the day, you're the one who has been through the mill physically and will still be vulnerably to PND. Your baby probably needs you to be fit more than your partner. You still come first in my book.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 02/09/2016 19:07

vulnerable not vulnerably!

Notonthestairs · 02/09/2016 19:10

My DH covered from 9 until 12 and I did the middle of the night feeds. 9 til 12 involved a lot of colic with DS so I think he had it worse than I did.

It is still early days so the 3am feed and full time work is doable but things might change - as long your DH tells you if he is struggling i dont see the problem.

It really is up to whatever works for you as a couple.

You are going through a massive shift but it will get better and easier. I was like you and missed my old life (and being able to get out of the house by simply picking up my bag) - it just takes a while to adapt. Dont put too much pressure on yourself and dont let anyone else try to!

Ninja12345 · 02/09/2016 19:14

My DS is five months. Definitely do whatever works for you as a couple esp as your DH is happy to do it. Everyone gives you advice and you really have to filter/ignore it. My mum is the worse for this and I've only realised recently that it's easier to lie to her. Suggest you do the same. Gets them off your back (until the next thing)

It does get easier and when they start smiling / laughing, your heart melts. But it is wonderful highs followed by crashing lows (often within a few mins). I was told how brutal it would be but you just don't understand until you have one.

You're doing brilliantly.

SpeakNoWords · 02/09/2016 19:15

Breastfed babies do that evening fussiness/non-stop feeding thing to stimulate supply, it is quite typical and doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't getting enough milk. A bottle (of formula or EBM) will give them a full tummy more quickly than the cluster feeding, so they are more likely to settle afterwards.

It doesn't matter though, you're happy to give formula and for your DH to be able to do feeds overnight.

Do you have the option of shared parental leave? So you could return to work sooner and your DP could be the stay at home parent? (Tbh I'm not sure how this works but I think it's a possibility)

Heirhelp · 02/09/2016 19:24

I have not read all the comments but have you had your iron levels checked? Anemia is common after birth and it leaves you exhausted.

Becky546 · 02/09/2016 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zombieswillreign · 02/09/2016 19:26

Try doing a dream feed before you go to sleep..I always did it with mine,semi woke them 11ish to feed ,then straight back down.gave me a solid 4 hours a night and I was only woken once for a feed around 3..worth a try

Zombieswillreign · 02/09/2016 19:28

Also,sleep in the day when yr baby does...I always did ,even with 3 under 3 we all napped for 2 hours in the big bed..happy days

FrameyMcFrame · 02/09/2016 19:31

Try not to listen to criticisms of your parenting, it's really none of their business.

Sounds like you're doing brilliantly to me, don't worry things will get a lot easier soon.

Zombieswillreign · 02/09/2016 19:31

And no,I don't think you should let yr husband do the night feeds....he has a job to hold down.he can't nap in the day at his desk...babies sleep for hours when small,if yr not sleeping when baby is ,no wonder yr tired

coconutpie · 02/09/2016 19:31

Because when a baby is going through a growth spurt and therefore working on increasing your supply to cater for that growth spurt (normal), they get fussy and feed non stop. This is normal. Giving a bottle of formula is going to just fill their tummy and send the signal to your breasts not to produce more milk at that time. You need to just ride out the growth spurts when they happen - it's tough for a few days but then it gets easier.