Am I being selfish as first time mum by asking this?

[user1466488499]

DS is 6 weeks old and it's been tough as I imagine it is for most first time mums. The sleep deprivation has been exhausting and I have been feeling very low and miserable about the whole motherhood thing.
I've switched from breast to giving my son formula at night as breastfeeding wasn't giving him enough. My DH does the night feeds at midnight and 3am which means I get rest until the 5/6am feed.
I'm drained, tired and DH doesn't return from work til 8pm so it's a long day for me at home with DS. I get a rest when DH covers at night. I've been a bit taken aback by my parents who say I should give my husband a rest when he gets home as he's the one who had to go to work. I would far rather go to work than be the stay at home person. AIBU for expecting my husband to do the night feeds to give me a rest. Am I being soft? Maybe I just need to suck up the crapness of motherhood and tough it out? What does everyone think? Thanks

Your DH sounds lovely and your parents sound like they need to mind their own business and keep their opinions to themselves. DH and I always shared the night feeds, it's what kept me sane. The first three months we operated a shift pattern. Yes he had to work all day but I was at home looking after his children all day, can't take care of them properly when ill with sleep deprivation. Carry on as you are

OP do what you feel is best and if your partner is coping with it happily continue. You do work all day its just not paid, I don't want to hear anymore crap about you not working those comments make me angry.

What of women the many women here who work have their babies go back to work come home do all domestics and do feeds for baby through the night. Whilst their husbands get off scot free because apparently they work and the rest of us don't? When do women get time off? most women it seems don't they still do the lions share of domestics and baby rearing, it would seem babies came to the world all on their own without men

My first child my husband was great, we shared night feeds, I did insist id be fine but he wanted to do 1 feed to bond.

my 2nd child he did the same. But third one he didn't do any day feeds forget night, I was doing all feeds, looking after his mums needs, and my other children. I never asked because I felt bad he would get less sleep, I didn't think about my sleep, I never got naps no chance. I ended up dropping the baby flask of hot water all over the back of my hand one night, it took months to heal, was painful and looked disgusting.

So OP id ignore those who give you a sob story about your partner working, yes we all work paid or not so? you have to share you're not a machine, plus im sure he wants to bond with his child.

if your partner says hes drowsing off at work, then maybe you can take over the 2nd night feed, and let him to the midnight one. Good luck and try to be easy on yourself ;)

You're only 6 weeks pp, I found dd1 inordinately hard, and it was all because I had no experience. Dc2 was a total breeze. I fled back to work gratefully at 10 months as I found it so lonely - my only advice is do everything you can to get out with your baby and meet people, it really helps, as I found too late! I don't have any views on who is lucky in your relationship, it's a constant negotiation and you re optimise as you go along.

Hi OP

I ended up with a similar arrangement to you with my second DC. With my first my DH was away most of the time and I ended up with really bad PND, largely from sleep deprivation. Like you my DH can go straight back to sleep after waking, whereas I would be awake for hours. I also couldn't sleep when the baby slept in the day. I found the sleep deprivation and just the lack of any time to myself - not even at night - unbearable with my first DC. It was hard to explain to people but it felt like it physically affected me the lack of any time away from responsibility? Looking back now though I can see that was a lot to do with having PND as I didn't feel that so much with DC2.

What I did do with DC2 though - and I appreciate this is a luxury others/you may not be able to afford or feel comfortable doing - was to pay for a night nanny 1 night a week so DH got a break and I did two additional nights ( my DH was away a lot again so the night nanny was also invaluable when on my own) once DC2 was 8 weeks. At first I felt so very guilty about leaving my little DC with a 'stranger', but in the long run it was the best thing I ever did ( I don't have any family to help). I had a lovely mat leave with DC2 as a result. Oddly I still now have this residual irrational fear of my DC not sleeping left over from DC1.

A dream feed about 10pm would probably cut out the midnight feed. They change so quickly anyway that it won't be long before it is only one night feed.
As others have said having a bit of a routine e.g. get baby up & get out for a couple of hrs in the morning and then again in the afternoon is a good idea. Babies are quite portable at that age so you can go out for lunch (honestly - once they're a toddler it's not so easy & they will probably be in nursery by then anyway)
People will have opinions/criticize whatever you do, so you just do what works best for you & your family.

Op howling us right , breastfed babies suck a lot to stimulate milk supply, they also feed every two hours if not more. It doesn't mean your baby wasn't satisfied. The formula is harder to digest that's all.

greydidi that's how I feel right now but my kids are not babies, its chronic stress I cant switch off. no me time that's what I think a lot. But that's another thread...

Your DS is only 6 weeks. You are both only just getting used to parenthood and tiredness is very hard.

Personally I think it is tough on your DH that he does all the night feeds while you do none and I think most jobs are harder than looking after most newborns (please note this is a generalisation).
However, if your DH happy to do all the night feeds while you sleep then stick with what works for the two of you at least for now. I can understand your parents reaction because that would be mine as well but if both of you are happy I can't see any problem.

As an aside, why are you so tired/ low? Do you think you might be suffering with PND? Do you have any friends with small children? Could you join a baby group and get out and about more?

katarzyna I'm sorry you feel like that too. It is such a horrible, isolating feeling and hard for others to understand. I still feel like this at times too, it is like it becomes ingrained in you. I am finally seeking some help for it ( it has taken me a while to get to the point of trying to get help!) which I think is hopefully improving things. I hope you find something that helps or can get some help too.

Op it's the bastard hormones that make you forget.

I think when you quite liked your job and life before it is very hard to adjust. I am good at my job and knew what I was doing there and the unknown is really hard in comparison.

I found that a routine for my baby really helped. I seemed to be without instincts to look after the baby but knowing that he needed to be asleep after an hour of being awake and he needed to feed every 3 hours worked for me. You will find your system.

Not everyone enjoys the baby stage - this is fine. You survive it then you move onto the next stage which you will probably enjoy more. Then you'll get phases that you hope won't end.

Do what works for you- I would get up in the night as husband often had to drive long ways on the motorway for work and I would worry about him being too tired at the wheel! I would go to bed at 9 and he would do midnight feed and then I'd do ones in the night. Lifesaver being out and about every day just walking to the shops and stopping to talk to the old ladies in the village but I needed that- good luck xx

It's tough OP but it sounds like normal FTM feelings, in my experience.

I do think it's selfish of you to get your DH to do both night feeds in the long term. For a break, yes but it'll eventually take it's toll on him.

I think him doing the 12am feed and you doing the 3am feed is fairer. I appreciate he may be able to go back to sleep quicker than you and cope better with less sleep (my DH is the same) but he will start to be affected by the constant broken sleep.

I wish my DP had done night feeds to help me out - you're right that working was never so exhausting as bringing up babies - at least work finished at a certain time, whereas now you're on call 24/7. I felt like rubbish for a good year after having both my boys - it's very hard to start with and you feel like a zombie a lot of the time. So, definitely let him help out - it won't do him any harm and you need to rest and recuperate still

I don't think working on slightly broken sleep is harder than looking after a newborn all day including breastfeeding (which is draining). I've done both.

Anyway, if OP's DH isn't coping he can say something, he doesn't need his PILs to defend him.

I need lots of sleep; my husband doesn't. I breastfed for a year. When he was tiny I expressed milk then went to bed at 10-ish, he kept him with him and fed him at about 1 am then brought him to bed. I did the 3 am and 6 am then he would get up and take him away until about about 9 then go to work. He would get back about 6 then look after him again. Oh, and he still does all the shopping and cooking 16 years later. It's whatever works for you all. Looking after a baby is usually harder than most 'real' jobs.

can u not do shared parental leave one of u 6 months the other 6 or whatever your entitled to

I had no help with night feeds whatsoever even when I started to mix feed with formula at 6 weeks. He only did some when forced when I returned to work when my son was 6m.

Do what works for you. I was so tired my eyeballs and eyelashes hurt and I could hardly remember my own name.

Do whatever works for you, but Baby wasn't getting enough from me as evidenced by howling in the evenings. At our wits end and utterly clueless we tried giving him a bottle of formula which he guzzled and has been significantly happier and more settled since.....wasn't getting enough after an hour on the breast

Ok, at this age they do howl, and they cluster feed. Ds did eight hours solid one evening of feeding, and averaged about six hours per evening, solidly on the boob. They do it to increase milk supply. The hormones which link that increased suckling to increased milk supply are most effective at about 2am (one of natures little jokes...) so two things :

1.An hour on the boob isn't much if cluster feeding - they will still be hungry.

1. Your supply may drop if you're not doing the cluster feeding and night feeds.

Now the above comes with the proviso that if you're knackered and you want to give them a bottle then go for it. Breast, mix or formula - do what's right for you. Don't be browbeaten into breastfeeding all night if that's not right for you.

I agree with posters above saying that doing all the night feeds and working full time is a bit rough. Can he do the midnight feed and you go to bed in a separate room till the 3am one?

Sympathies with the general tiredness. We have a non sleeper and had a period of about four months where he woke at least e dry twenty minutes, day and night. He won't take a bottle so Dh wasn't able to help ... That was pretty rough.

As i say I love her so much but the days drag and i also clock watch and sometimes i feel so miserable that however much i love her I don't always like her, i can't go out far as she hates the pushchair, might go against recommendations and take her in the car seat as she's ok in that. I feel so guilty as I wanted her so much and i'm well aware i'm so lucky to have her. Thankfully like you i have a very supportive husband and will be speaking to my GP if I don't feel better soon as I don't want to spend this time miserable. Hope you feel better soon and bug shout to your husband for helping

Wow some of these comments are harsh!!

If you and your DH are happy with the setup it's nobody else's business. Nothing to do with your parents and certainly nothing to do with some random strangers on the internet.

Just to add in my 2p as said random internet stranger. In my experience working all day and looking after a baby all day are roughly equal in difficulty. But that was MY experience with MY baby. No two babies are alike.

6 weeks was a low point for me. It got much better from there. Keep going

No, YANBU - you're both busy during the day, he seems to be happy doing it, and you're clearly finding it really tough right now.

Don't let an outsider's judgemental response put you off doing something that works for all of you!

Remember to take care of yourself as well as the baby (ultimately, that IS taking care of the baby - happy mum, happy baby) and maybe see if anyone can give you a hand or some company during the day?

By the way OP, whereabouts in the country are you (if you don't mind saying)? I only ask because I live in an area with lots of city workers and I wonder if you're nearby? If so I can point you in the right direction for the best baby groups/coffee mornings etc...but only if you're interested of course. 6 weeks is v early to be going to loads of groups etc in my experience.

OK, I expect a full flaming for this, but I think you are being a bit unrealistic about life if I'm completely honest.

You have a new healthy baby. It's only six weeks old and you are already envious of your DH going to work and hankering after work drinks and nice lunches, and, as a result of that, perfectly happy to let your DH do all the night feeds.

It's fucking exhausting - my first DD had un-diagnosed reflux and neither my DH or I had more than 3 consecutive hours sleep for around 4 months which led to me becoming quite ill and hospitalised in the end, so I DO sympathise with the sheer obsession with sleep. But, I don't think you are being fair on your DH.

He has no choice but to work and yes, it's a damn sight easier than being at home all day with a new born, but if you are clock watching (as I did) waiting for him to get home so you can go 'off duty' and then letting him do all the night feeds as well, I think you are getting more 'time off' than most.

I think this is probably going to sound really harsh, but you did ask for views, and that's mine.

Congratulations on your DS though, and I promise it does get easier.

If that works for your DH then fair enough but I do think that's a bit tough on him.

My DD is 7 weeks and I do all night feeds as DP gets up early and has a long drive to work. I nap when DD naps in the day if I feel particularly tired.

Trying to say this in the nicest way possible but I'm surprised that you say your sleep deprived yet you aren't doing the middle of the night feeds. If DP told me he was sleep deprived whilst I'm doing the night feeds I'd have his head...

It's a lot for your DH to be doing night feeds and going to work could you not nap when the baby does during the day. My do would help the night feeds during the weekend I would express when he was off work but he is a HGD so it's important he has adequate sleep.